CHAPTER EIGHT
It’s still dark out when I wake. Beside me with his arm draped across my stomach, Jared is sound asleep. I watch him, a small smile tugging at my mouth. Did I really walk over here and make out with my best friend in the middle of the night?
The memory of his lips pressed against mine makes my heart skip a beat.
Yes. Yes I did.
I lay my hand over his, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine. It feels wonderful. I think maybe I’m falling for him. But should I be?
I sigh. Kissing him earlier and having him kiss me back was amazing, but now that his lips aren’t on mine and I can think clearly, the rational side of me is yelling that I shouldn’t have done it because he’s my best friend. He knows everything there is to know about me and if we go down the path where we become more, everything will change. And honestly, that kind of scares the hell out of me because what if that change isn’t good? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I lose him?
I roll onto my side so that we’re face to face. He looks so peaceful and beautiful without a care in the world and I feel so safe here with him. And maybe that’s the problem. My life has recently taken a turn for the crazy and he has been the one constant. What if I’m only feeling attracted to him because he’s the part of my life that’s normal? What if that’s all this is?
He smiles in his sleep making my stomach flutter. God, I’m so confused. Maybe my growing feelings for him are real. I don’t know. But even if they are, my life isn’t simple anymore. My life is dangerous and I’m sure Blondie wouldn’t hesitate to rip right through Jared to get to me. I can’t risk that. It’s better if I just push these feelings, whatever they are, deep down and keep things the way they’ve always been. Best friends and nothing more.
It’s safer that way.
“Good-bye, Jared.” I softly kiss his forehead then climb out of his bed. Eventually I’m going to have to talk to him about all this, but not now. Right now, all I want is to hold onto the feeling of him and me, even if it’s just for a moment, because in the light of day things will go back to the way they were, and tonight will just be a dream of what could have been.
***
“Morning sis,” Adam says as I descend the stairs. The milk in his bowl sloshes, spilling over the side as he comes to a sudden stop in the foyer. He looks at me strangely. I look down taking in my appearance; Jared’s shirt, dirty feet, and I’d hate to even think about what the rest of me looks like. “Should I even ask?”
“Probably not.” I attempt to comb through my hair with my fingers, but it’s useless. I imagine it probably looks like tumbleweed sitting on top of my head. Only a hot shower with lots of conditioner is going to save it now.
Adam squints his eyes giving me the ‘you’re hiding something’ look.
“Just a crazy night with bad dreams is all.” I brush past him going into the kitchen. He follows.
“I’m sorry it was so late when I got back last night. After what happened to you and the break in, I should have been here with you.” He stares at his cereal, clearly feeling guilty.
“Adam it’s okay.” He looks so sad leaning against the counter letting his cereal get soggy. I put my hand on his shoulder to reassure him. “It was just a bad dream. I’m a big girl. I’ll be fine. Besides, you can’t put your life on hold for me and I don’t expect you to. I want things to be normal like they were before.”
“Me too. I just hate that these things happened to you. I’m your big brother, it’s my job to make sure you’re safe.”
“You do keep me safe. But sometimes things are going to happen that you can’t protect me from.”
“Yeah, but I can try, which is why I’m going to call today and have a security system put in. At least the house will be safe and I won’t feel so bad about leaving you here when I’m on campus.” He looks down at my wrist spotting the symbol. “Did you get a tattoo?”
Crap, I forgot to cover it up. I have no idea what to tell him so I just go with it. “Um, yeah.” Better he thinks it just a tattoo then to know what it really is; some magical symbol that lets me experience a dead guy’s memories.
“If Mom and Dad were still here they’d probably ground you forever for that. You remember how they reacted to mine?”
I laugh at the memory. “Oh yeah. Though they probably wouldn’t have been so mad if you’d went with something smaller and you didn’t use the emergency credit card they gave you.”
“What, it was an emergency and I like my dragon.” He grins.
“What exactly was the emergency that required you to tattoo a huge dragon onto your back?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He winks then puts his empty bowl in the sink.
After breakfast I head back upstairs to get a shower while Adam calls around getting quotes for a home security system. Jared’s t-shirt smells like him and I can’t help but take one more big whiff before I toss it into the hamper. God, I need to stop torturing myself like that. Jared is off limits. Best friends and nothing more.
Maybe if I keep saying it to myself, it’ll sink in.
I step into the shower washing away any left over blood that got missed from earlier. I run my fingers over the smooth white scar, my mind flashing back to the pain of how it felt when Blondie’s knife went in. A wound like that should have killed me. Hell, I was expecting it to. But this, this I was not expecting. How can a wound like that heal so fast leaving only a faint white scar in its place in a matter of seconds? And why did this scar when nothing else so far has? The questions keep piling up. It’s time I start trying to find some answers.
By the time I shut the water off, my bathroom is filled with enough steam it’s getting hard to breathe. Wrapping myself in a towel, I exit back into my room where I promptly shut myself in the closet to find something to wear. When I step out, I’m dressed in jeans, a blue shirt that matches the blue in my hair, and my favorite black Converse. These ones have little doodles on the toe that Jared drew one day when we were bored after school.
I touch my lips remembering how his felt against them, so soft and so perfect. Groaning, I force myself to snap out of it. “Best friends and nothing more,” I repeat to myself out loud.
Maybe if I hear it, I’ll listen.
I stare at the symbol on my wrist. Adam thinks it’s a tattoo and I guess in away it is. But what happens if one day I see what it is Sam’s trying to show me, and it disappears? What do I tell Adam then? I guess I could always keep it covered from now to eternity with long sleeves hoping that maybe he’ll forget about it, but what are the chances of that actually happening? Probably slim to none. Adam doesn’t forget anything and when summer rolls around I’m going to look pretty strange wearing long sleeves in ninety-degree weather.
A big watch face, or a thick wrist cuff, or a bunch of string bracelets could maybe work in covering it up. Unfortunately, I have none in my nightstand drawer. I’m about to slam it shut when I spot the black braided leather bracelet I found in the tree outside my window. I rub the worn leather between my fingers and thumb as a sense of familiarity washes over me. The symbol starts to glow. Suddenly I’m Sam again.
A strip of white fabric covers my eyes blindfolding me, as I’m led down a hall, turned to the right, and ushered into a room. The hem of my robe is a little too long causing me to slightly trip as I’m led to what I’m assuming is the center. A moment later my blindfold is removed allowing me to see clearly. A gigantic circular room spreads out before me, lit entirely by candle flame. Above me the ceiling is made of glass so that the light of the stars and moon can be seen. All along the room other members are seated to watch our initiation.
My two best friends stand beside me. William, with his black hair combed respectably instead of spiked upward at the center of his head like usual and his sister Zoe Marie, with her long black hair twisted into a French braid. We’re all dressed the same in black and white robes to represent balance.
With perfect precision, the three of us extend our right arms in unison, palms up. William’s older brother stands before us holding out three black braided leather bracelets adorned with the symbol of The Order. One by one, he ties the bracelets around our wrists as we each swear upon our lives to serve the greater good until our last breath.
We are now, forever and always, members of The Order.
I drop to my knees gasping for air as the bracelet falls from my hands. I wanted answers and now I know how to get them. The guy giving out the bracelets is none other than Officer Jensen.
I run down the stairs nearly crashing into Adam in my haste. I swivel around him to grab my keys while also informing him that I’m going for a drive and that I’ll be back later.
Officer Jensen is going to tell me what I want to know.
***
I’ve been driving through Lake Haven for almost an hour, up and down every street at least twice looking for Officer Jensen without any luck. I was really hoping to find him patrolling around town so I could avoid going into the police station, but it’s looking more and more like that’s not going to happen. What if when I get there I can’t get him alone? It’s not like I can just blurt out in front of everyone the things I need to ask. But what choice do I have? I have questions and he has answers.
A few minutes later I pull into the parking lot in front of the police station parking between a police cruiser and an insanely large orange truck that looks like it belongs at a monster truck rally. The wind slaps my hair into my face making it hard to see as I get out of the car. Grabbing what I can, I twist it into a messy bun securing it with the hair tie around my wrist.
I hesitate at the door, poking at the symbol under my sleeve. Now that I’m here I don’t quite feel so confident anymore. But whom else am I supposed to ask? Officer Jensen is the only one I recognized in Sam’s memory.
I hold my breath then push the door open.
The lobby is empty and small giving it a claustrophobic feel. My shoes echo loudly as I cross the room. Seated behind the counter is a small woman dressed in uniform. Her auburn hair is pulled back into a tight neat ponytail at the nape of her neck. Upon seeing me she looks up.
“Can I help you?” She asks kindly.
My mind goes blank. I don’t know what to say. Do I just ask for him? Do I have to say why I want to see him?
What if he won’t see me? Or what if he does and he can’t help me?
Or what if he’s no better than Blondie?
“Miss?”
“Huh?”
The woman looks at me like I’m some sort of spaz. “Is there something I can help you with?”
“Yeah, um.” I swallow, choking a little. Get it together Hanna. “Is Officer Jensen here?”
“No. He has the day off. Can I take a message?”
“No. That’s okay,” my eyes flick down to her nametag, “Officer Hudson. It’s not that important.”
Once I’m out the door I run to my car. Basically throwing myself inside, I jam the key into the ignition. I’m both relieved and disappointed that Officer Jensen isn’t there. Relieved because that was scary as hell. Disappointed because it leaves me in the same boat of knowing nothing about the symbol or The Order. I’m still standing at square one and if I’m going to stop Blondie, (if that’s what I’m supposed to do), or keep Blondie from finding out whatever Sam is hiding in my head, (whatever that is), then I need to put a few more squares behind me.
***
I pull into the driveway just as Adam is coming out the door. “On your way to class?” I ask getting out.
Adam opens the passenger side door of his truck to toss his backpack onto the front seat. Turning around the wind catches his blue and green flannel blowing it open to show the white t-shirt underneath. “Yeah. I’ve got classes until 6pm, but some friends of mine invited me to a campus party afterwards. Will you be okay here if I go? I might not make it back until the morning so I thought maybe you could stay the night with Kat or something. The home security guy won’t be able to get here until next week.” I’m about to tell him that’s fine when he hastily adds, “But I can blow off the party if you’d rather me come home.”
“I told you, you don’t have to put your life on hold for me. I’m fine and I’ll still be fine if you go. In fact, I want you to go. Go and have some fun. Besides, I actually do have plans with Kat so you don’t have to worry about me.” Of course, those plans are to go to the town sponsored candlelight vigil for Sam, but I’m not about to tell Adam that because then he’ll definitely feel like he has to stay.
Closing the passenger side door he moves around to the driver’s side. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine. I promise. Now go.”
Adam climbs into the truck. Once inside he rolls down the window to pop his head out. “Oh, I left you some money on the counter in case you wanted to order out tonight along with a little something I picked up for you.”
“Really? You got me a gift? What is it?”
“You’ll see when you open it.”
“You’re no fun.” I stick my tongue out.
“Very classy.” He laughs. “Have fun with Kat tonight and if you need anything call me and I’ll come straight home.”
“I will. You have fun tonight too.” I wave good-bye as he backs down the drive. I wish I were going out to have fun tonight, but I’m guessing that fun is the last thing I’ll be having at a vigil for Sam. Misery and torment is more like it.
Inside the house I head to the kitchen to see what Adam got me. Beside the money is a small black box containing the newest iPhone. A squeal of delight bursts out of me as I do a little happy dance. Thankfully, I’m home alone so no one can see me dance like a freak because that would be pretty embarrassing. Although after going a week without a cell, maybe I wouldn’t mind dancing like a freak in front of someone. I stuff the cash in my back pocket as quick as I can because that new phone is calling my name.
Fully charged and ready to use, I send a text to both Kat and Jared to let them know I’m with phone again. My phone beeps back twice before I make it a foot out of the kitchen. The first is from Kat.
Bout time u returned 2 the land of texting. I can almost hear her nails tap against the screen of her phone in excitement. Kat is a huge texter.
I know.
U still coming w/ me 2nite?
Yes.
Meet at ur house at 8? The vigil starts at 9.
Sounds like a plan.
I climb the stairs two at a time to my room where I flop down on the bed with a bounce. The second text is from Jared.
What happened 2 u last nite? U were gone when I got up.
I didn’t want 2 wake u.
U should have so I could’ve kissed u good-bye.
And there it is. I knew we’d have to talk about it, but now that the conversation is here I don’t know what to say? I know I don’t want to hurt him, but I also know that we can’t be more than friends. The annoying rational part of me tells me that this is what’s best, even though everything else in me wants to say otherwise. It wants to say ‘let it happen and be happy’ and if I were a normal girl, I would without hesitation. But I’m not normal. Not anymore. And everything in my life right now is scary and confusing including my feelings for Jared. I’m so afraid that if we were to become more he’d end up getting hurt either because of me or because of Blondie trying to get to me.
Can u meet me at my house after school? I text.
Sure.
We need to talk about last night.
He doesn’t text me back.
***
Over the next couple of hours I bid my time doing laundry and cleaning the house. Anything to keep my mind off the dreaded conversation I’m going to be having with Jared soon. By the time I see him pull into his driveway across the street, my stomach is full of knots and my hands are a sweaty mess. I wipe them off on the back of my jeans as I watch him walk up the path to my house.
I swallow back raw nerves as I open the front door leaving Jared’s hand suspended in mid knock. Head down, eyes covered by the bill of his cap, he brushes past me without a word. Tension grows between us until it’s thick enough to choke on. He knows something’s wrong.
He stays in the foyer leaning against the wall beside the table Adam and I use for keys and mail, crossing his arms over his chest. Defensive position. Lifting his chin up a fraction, he looks out at me with shadowed eyes that I can’t read.
I open my mouth preparing to list off all the reasons why we need to stay just friends. Before I can get a word out he cuts me off.
“You regret kissing me last night don’t you?” The hurt in his voice is like knives to my chest.
“I…we…you’re…” The words in my mouth are a scrambled mess refusing to come out right. I clear my throat and start over. “I don’t regret kissing you, but I also know I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. You’re my best friend Jared. I don’t want that to change.”
“Why would that have to change?”
“Because it would. And then if things don’t work out our friendship would be ruined?”
“Our friendship could never be ruined Hanna.”
“It ruined your friendship with Kat. You two can’t even stand to be in the same room together. I don’t want us to become like that.”
“We would never be like that.”
“I want to believe that, but neither one of us can predict what will happen between us if we go down that road. We could be great or we could be bad, and I don’t want to risk the chance that it could be bad, because I need you in my life. That’s why I think it would be better if we didn’t complicate things. That’s why I think it would be better if we just stayed friends.” I feel like the most horrible person in the world when I see the hurt in his eyes. I want so badly to reach out and touch him, but I don’t because it would only make things worse. All I can do is try to explain my reasons and hope he understands.
“Since that night at The Iron Knife, my life has been on this crazy path. Last night when I came to your house covered in blood it was because I’d had a nightmare and in it I had to stab myself to escape Blondie’s torments. Whatever happens to me in my dreams with Blondie happens to me in the real world, and I really thought I was going to die that time. But I didn’t, and when I woke up Adam wasn’t home and I was so scared and so alone and I needed you. You’ve always been there for me and you’ve never once questioned my sanity about all of this craziness. Last night you made me feel so safe and I acted without really thinking it through. I’m so sorry I hurt you because of it.”
“So you’re saying you don’t feel anything for me then? I’m just some guy you used to make yourself feel better?” His voice is a sharp mix of hurt and anger.
I deserve it.
“No. That’s not how it was. You’re not just some guy and I’m not saying that I don’t feel something for you because I do. Maybe too much and right now I can’t say that it’s not because of all these intense things that are happening to me. You’re the only person I’ve told. I feel closer to you than anyone else, but what if that’s all this is? What if I’m only being drawn to you because you make me feel safe in all this madness? Everything is so confusing right now and that’s why I need us to just be friends.”
“What if I don’t want to be just your friend? What if I want more?” He sighs, looks down, half smiles. “When you kissed me last night it was the happiest moment of my life. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for that moment.”
I open my mouth, but he raises his hand silencing me.
“Don’t.” He strides to the door, resting his hand on the handle. “Just…don’t. I don’t want to hear your excuses. Maybe you think you’re confused about how you feel, but I’m not. I know exactly how I feel about you and deep down I think you know exactly how you really feel about me. The only thing I don’t know is why you’re denying it.”
“Jared.”
“No.” He lets go of the doorknob, twists his cap around, and in one huge step takes my face into his hands. Leaning down he kisses me. Everything in me melts and I start to forget why I wanted to push him away. But then the kiss ends and I remember. Resting his forehead against mine he says, “Tell me you didn’t feel anything just now and I’ll go.”
“I…” Have no words.
That’s a lie. I have all the words, and I can’t say any of them. And I feel so much that it’s tearing me apart, and I can’t do anything about it no matter how much I want to. I can’t get involved. We can’t get involved. My life is too much of a mess; my feelings are all over the place, and with Blondie stalking me…
“Okay.” Jared closes his eyes, bites his bottom lip. “I’ll go then.” He releases me, turns, and opens the door.
“Jared, wait.” He pauses, but doesn’t look back. “Please, I never meant to hurt you.”
“Maybe so. But you did anyway.”
“I know.” I whisper, because anymore than that and I’m going to lose it.
He steps outside.
“Please don’t go.” I’m crumbling inside. Everything that I didn’t want to happen is happening. I’m losing my best friend and I only have myself to blame.
“I have to.” After what feels like forever he finally looks at me only to crush me with the raw emotions in his eyes. “You broke my heart.” The finality of the door closing behind him; echoes all around me.