ACT TWO
Scene One
A few months later. Lights up only on the orange tree. One by one, a third of the oranges in the tree turn black.
Scene Two
It’s morning. Nelly, Augie and Johnny are in the center room having breakfast. Johnny is in coveralls. Nelly is in a nice business suit. Augie is in Star Wars pajamas.
No one eats. No one speaks. No one looks at the other person. Finally:
NELLY: I heard on the radio: there’s a hurricane coming from Japan. Be here today. Big mother hurricane the size of a hundred dragons. (She laughs) Maybe it’ll drop Toshiba microwaves on us! Huh? Nissan trucks and baby Godzillas falling from the sky! Paper birds. Sushi rain.
(No one laughs.)
I made plans for this hurricane. You both have specific duties for this emergency plan of mine.
(No one says anything for a while.)
AUGIE: I have a complaint to make.
JOHNNY: Don’t say a word. Not. A. Single. Friggin’. Word.
(Silence.)
AUGIE: The hash browns? They suck.
JOHNNY: I said don’t complain!
(Longer silence.)
AUGIE: Hash browns should be crispy.
JOHNNY: Hash browns are any damn way I make ’em, pal. I am an excellent cook. I am multifaceted.
(Silence.)
AUGIE: My room is too small. I want a bigger room. I want northern exposure.
(Nelly quickly takes out a small notebook and reads from it.)
NELLY: First, I’ll shut down the garage. Disconnect the gas. Tape up windows. These are your duties, gentlemen. Dad, number one—
JOHNNY (To Nelly): You ruined our paradise. Brought the friggin’ serpent from Hell into our living room. So shut up. AUGIE: Don’t talk to my daughter that way.
JOHNNY: Your daughter? Your daughter? Your daughter? Your daughter? Your daughter? Don’t tell me about your daughter—
AUGIE : I bet you can tell me all sorts of things about my daughters! Like which ones gave birth to your bastards before their sixteenth birthdays—
JOHNNY: At least I loved them . . .
AUGIE: How many of my babies’ hearts did you break—?
JOHNNY: At least I know this one’s name!
AUGIE: I do too! I do too! Her name is Carol!
JOHNNY: Her name is not Carol!
AUGIE: Claudette?
(Johnny grabs his guitar and starts to leave.)
NELLY: Where are you going?
JOHNNY: There’s always a party in Los Angeles. Look for me there.
AUGIE: Krista!
NELLY: We have to work on this. There’s a hurricane—
AUGIE: Karen—
NELLY: Nelly—
AUGIE: I said my room sucks! I wouldn’t keep a dog in that room. And why haven’t you blessed me with legitimate grandchildren yet? What kind of man are you, anyway?
(Johnny lunges at Augie. Loud hurricane winds. Thunder and lightning. We see a projection of a palm tree bent over by the wind.)
JOHNNY: Goddamn everything.
(Johnny goes to the garage. He closes windows, locks doors, etc. Nelly wheels Augie to his bed as the lightning quickens.)
AUGIE: He’s screwing other women. I can see it. I can tell.
NELLY: Keep your filthy mouth off him.
AUGIE: His walk is funny. He walks like a man screwing somebody who’s not his wife.
(Nelly angrily starts preparing Augie’s bed.)
JOHNNY: Gloria. Come rescue me! I’m in prison with your gelatinous old man and his gray gummy runny mucky fault-finding eyes.
(The wind picks up. There’s a projection of Gloria. Johnny sees the projection and kisses it as the wind howls.)
NELLY (To Augie): You? Bed.
(Nelly starts to lift Augie into bed. Johnny kisses the projection of Gloria. He starts taking off his shirt. Lightning. Thunder. Gloria’s projection turns off, along with all the lights onstage. It’s a total blackout.
Johnny grabs flashlights and goes to Augie and Nelly. He gives Nelly and Augie a flashlight each. Augie is still in his chair, his radio playing. The storm gets louder, crazier. Johnny looks out the window.)
JOHNNY: There are palm trees flying around! Cars going up in the air! All the stars on Hollywood Boulevard are whirling around like comets! The Hollywood Hills are cracking open and foul brown human cesspool goo is pouring out! If we only had a radio!
NELLY: Dad’s got a radio.
JOHNNY: Augie’s got a radio?
AUGIE: Don’t get any ideas about this radio, junior. I’m listening to comedy.
JOHNNY: I want to hear the weather on the radio!
AUGIE (Listening to radio): “The batter hits it to the shortstop. The shortstop throws it to the first baseman. Who gets it? Exactly.”
JOHNNY: Listen to that wind! That’s a wind we’ve never heard before. No one knows what’s coming.
(Johnny yanks the radio out of Augie’s hands. He throws the radio on the ground, smashing it. Augie looks at him in disbelief.)
AUGIE: I’ll kill you. No. I’ll mutilate you first, then I’ll kill you.
(Augie wheels himself to the bed. Lights up full all over the stage: power has returned. From under his pillow, Augie pulls out a massive machete. He goes after Johnny full speed. Johnny laughs.)
Don’t laugh at me!
(Nelly lies on the hospital bed, playing with the buttons, making the bed go up and down. Johnny dances around Augie, taunting him. Augie nearly hits him several times.)
JOHNNY: You’re a joke! You’re a vast human joke!
AUGIE: And you’re going to be little, tiny, compact pieces of dead mechanic! Little, tiny, bloody, painful pieces of dead shit!
(As Augie continues to swing the machete, Johnny plays his guitar, dancing around Augie. Augie stops, exhausted. Nelly continues playing with the bed.)
My daughter isn’t the only one with funny gray eyes. Look at mine. They’re gray too. I can see the future too. You’re going to die twice, Johnny Amengual. All men die once. But you’re going to die twice.
(As Johnny continues to dance and play the guitar, lights start to fade. In the dark, it’s Johnny’s wild laugh that echoes. Blackout.)
Scene Three
Lights up on garage. Johnny is working on the car engine. Augie, in his chair stage left, is flipping over tarot cards. Nelly is on the sofa in the center room, vainly trying to concentrate on bookkeeping.
As Augie flips cards, Johnny holds his head as if going through an intense headache.
AUGIE: Johnny is vain. Johnny is ignorant. Johnny is perverted. Johnny is empty-headed. Johnny is lazy. Johnny is rude. Johnny is redundant. Johnny is derivative. Johnny is indecent. (He smiles) Gloria!
(Johnny hears “Gloria.” He looks around, trying to figure out where the word came from.)
JOHNNY: Gloria.
(We see a projection of Gloria. Johnny can’t help but look at her. Augie chants:)
AUGIE: Gloria is beautiful. Gloria is amoral. Gloria is self-actualized. Gloria is user-friendly. Gloria is upwardly mobile. Gloria is tax-exempt. Gloria is a virgin.
JOHNNY AND AUGIE: Gloria is a whore. Gloria is growth oriented. Gloria is bicoastal. Gloria is generous. Gloria is waiflike. Gloria is legal.
AUGIE: Johnny! I’m legal!
(Johnny looks around. He rubs his throbbing head.)
JOHNNY: Gloria?
AUGIE: It’s my birthday.
JOHNNY: Wait, wait a min—
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: . . . this is crazy; where . . . are . . . you . . . ?
AUGIE: It’s my birthday.
JOHNNY: It’s a headache.
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: . . . aspirin, Johnny . . . you need to get some asp—
AUGIE: It’s my birthday.
JOHNNY: Gloria? Where? Are? You?
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: Really?
AUGIE: It’s my birthday.
JOHNNY: I . . . I . . . don’t believe . . .
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: I miss you. Is this real—?
AUGIE: It’s my birthday.
JOHNNY: I know, baby! I know!
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: That’s great. But.
AUGIE: It’s my birthday.
JOHNNY: But. No. I love Nell—
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: I need . . . to get out of here . . . I need . . .
AUGIE: It’s my birthday.
JOHNNY: . . . to play the guitar . . . have a little fun . . .
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: . . . Gloria?
AUGIE: Go.
JOHNNY: I need to go.
AUGIE: Go.
JOHNNY: Being a mechanic sucks . . .
AUGIE: Go!
(Gloria’s projection disappears. Johnny hurriedly takes off his coveralls—he’s got party clothes underneath. He combs his hair, grabs his guitar. He and Nelly look at each other.
During the following scene, Augie looks at his tarot cards as if they were Nelly and Johnny.)
JOHNNY: I can’t anymore, Nelly, I can’t!
AUGIE: It’s my birthday!
JOHNNY: I don’t know what’s wrong—it could be an earthquake I feel vibrating in my bones like a bad omen—
NELLY: You’re working too hard, John—
JOHNNY: I’m full of static . . . white noise behind my damn eyes . . .
NELLY: Come here. Sit with me.
JOHNNY: No! It’s not fatigue. It’s the day. It’s Gloria’s birthday, Nel. She’s legal today.
AUGIE: I’m legal!
JOHNNY: She’s been shoved into my mind, Nelly. She’s telling me to break open the night and be wild in it.
AUGIE: It’s my birthday!
JOHNNY: I looked at my greasy clothes today. The smell of transmission fluid and dirty valves. I’m permeated with this job, Nelly. It came to me today: I don’t love my talent for cars.
AUGIE: I’m legal.
JOHNNY: I have to quit “Nelly and Johnny’s.” I’m ready to go. To start my true career as a model because I will never be better looking than I am now!
NELLY: Because it’s Gloria’s birthday?
JOHNNY: Because it’s time. And we have security. A bank full of money. Forty-six skilled mechanics who can cover for me—
NELLY: Because it’s Gloria’s birthday?
JOHNNY: Because it’s me. This is the man you married. I tried to do it your way . . . I worked hard . . . and I’m dead tired because my heart was never in it and I suffered too much.
(Johnny goes to Nelly. She holds him. Augie holds the tarot cards in the air.)
AUGIE: Let him go let him go let him go let him go . . .
NELLY (To Johnny): Go do what you want. Please go do what you want. Just—don’t turn me into a jailer. I’m not your goddamn jailer.
(Johnny looks at her, shocked—then jumps.)
JOHNNY: All right! Oh this is it! Look out America! I’m going to be mobbed when I step out of the house in the morning! I’m going to be incredibly snotty to many people!
(Nelly laughs. Johnny looks at her.)
You don’t mind? Do you mind? You mind, right?
NELLY: We were a great team, Johnny.
JOHNNY: Why don’t you quit too? It can’t be fun for you anymore. It’s a machine. Dump it.
NELLY: But I love this machine.
JOHNNY: Then just go out with me tonight. Put on your best dress. Every jewel you own. Something sparkly and diamondlike that’ll shiver when you dance.
NELLY: I can’t.
JOHNNY: Come on! One little night! This is a party town! We’ll dress up like barbarians and drive Martin Sheen’s Porsche.
NELLY: I just can’t. I’m too afraid.
JOHNNY: Of having a little fun?
NELLY: Of turning my back on the work I have to do.
JOHNNY: For one night?
NELLY: I don’t want everything to disappear when I’m not looking. Things have been disappearing from my life for as long as I remember.
JOHNNY: That was your old life.
NELLY: Clothes, people, food—food already in my stomach has been taken away from me. If I stop working . . . if I let down for just one night . . . I’ll start speaking in nonsense . . . walking around on all fours . . .
JOHNNY: I know what’s happening. It’s. It’s him. Augie.
AUGIE: Don’t blame me! Hey!
JOHNNY: He’s doing something to you too. He’s bringing that old life back to you.
NELLY: You can’t blame him for everything. I laid down the law with him. He’s quiet. Hardly leaves his room now.
JOHNNY: He’s doing something. Putting things in the food.
NELLY: He stopped doing that a long time ago—
JOHNNY (Desperate): Something’s changed with me. I don’t dream in color anymore. When I think . . . I can’t hear my voice too well . . . I miss the sound of my thoughts, Nelly . . . he’s taken that away.
AUGIE: I can’t do that! I never learned to do that!
NELLY: Johnny, all he’s doing is his goat ritual. He wants to kill a goat, wash his legs in its blood, and walk again.
JOHNNY: Let him. Let him walk three thousand miles out of our lives.
NELLY: No sacrificial killing in my house!
JOHNNY: But all the oranges are turning black because of him! He’s back in your blood. He controls your sleep. He controls your dreams. He’s corrupting you. And did you notice? Now our house is getting bigger! There are rooms up there starting to grow!
NELLY: That’s crazy—
JOHNNY: Well, he’s not going to corrupt me! I’m going out to find some fun! I’m going to find my fan club! To find the lady in the red Fiat! (He grabs his guitar and starts to exit. He looks at Nelly) I miss the old times, Nelly. When guys would bristle when I walked into a room and all their women looked at me. When I made time stop. People would whisper about me. Hearts would beat fast. Men would reach for their guns. Who would I talk to? Who would I dance with? Who would I touch? I have to prove I have the old magic.
NELLY: Be careful. You’ll get yourself killed, Johnny.
(Johnny leaves. Augie clasps his hands in prayer and looks up at the sky.)
AUGIE: I owe you one, Big Guy.
Scene Four
Exhausted, Nelly lies on the sofa in the center room. Her eyes hurt. As Augie wheels himself around and around her, time passes rapidly. Black and white clouds pass overhead. Nelly tries to sleep and can’t.
AUGIE: He was right. I am part of you again. I’m your angel. I’m back in your blood.
NELLY: What are you doing to him? I keep hearing the flap-flap-flap of tarot cards in your room.
AUGIE: He knows it’s Gloria’s birthday because those two are linked. They’re going to be together no matter what you do, Carmen.
NELLY: My name’s not Carmen!
AUGIE: You have to run. Tonight. Run with me to the old house and live like old times.
NELLY: I will never go back there.
AUGIE: You’re smart and strong and beautiful. There’s no reason to live your life for him when you can live your life for me. I’ll always appreciate you, Cathy.
NELLY (Tired): That’s not my name!
AUGIE: Doesn’t matter what your name is. You’re my girl. Augie’s girl. The one I knew would come back and clean the sticky mold off my body—
NELLY: I’m tired, Dad. I’m really tired. And I don’t trust you.
AUGIE: You married him to get out of my house. But there’s no escaping my house. It’s always with you. Always growing in you, room after unbelievable room, containing strange and magical things.
NELLY (More to herself): My eyes hurt. If I don’t go to sleep now, I’ll be awake the rest of the month . . .
AUGIE: Don’t fight me.
NELLY: . . . and I don’t want to start seeing the future. I don’t want to start seeing things I don’t want to see!
AUGIE: You think you can remake the world. Turn Johnny into an honest man. Make us all live together. Well you can’t. You’re not that strong.
NELLY: And you. No more—please—find yourself a friggin’ goat—kill it—walk again—and get the hell out of my house! You’re fired! I’m getting someone else to work for me. I’m sending you back to Mom.
AUGIE: You’re confused.
NELLY: Don’t tell me that!
(She slaps Augie. Johnny staggers into the center room, guitar shattered, clothes torn and face bloody. He stands in a special light. Augie wheels himself to his bedroom. Nelly looks at her husband in shock.)
JOHNNY: It was six of them against me . . . six jealous husbands . . . at least seven feet tall . . .
NELLY: I’ll kill them. Whoever touched you, I’ll get them, Johnny. J
OHNNY: . . . I fought back . . . I hit them hard . . . but their bodies were made of rock and they broke my hands . . .
NELLY: What did they look like? Where did they go?
JOHNNY: . . . the husbands were pissed . . . didn’t like my fan club . . . six animals in black tie and brass knuckles and steel-pointed boots and not a teardrop’s worth of mercy . . .
(Nelly cleans Johnny’s bloody face. Augie stifles a laugh and starts flipping over tarot cards. Nelly takes Johnny to the sofa and he lies down.)
Scene Five
Lights change. Nelly is on the phone, Johnny on the sofa, Augie is in his area stage left.
NELLY: I want police protection. For my husband. He’s been getting death threats. Jealous husbands have burned him in effigy on La Cienega Boulevard. Armies of angry men come here daily to shake dangerous weapons in his face. I want a cop in front of the garage twenty-four hours a day. And a police escort to follow Johnny to all the modeling agencies in town. As soon as his face clears, he’s going to have a big career as a model. Yes, Johnny is too beautiful to live! Yes, it’s the kind of beauty other men want to kill him for. Do I have to get a gun? I have chic friends with guns. I’ll protect him myself!
(Nelly hangs up. Augie goes to Johnny, whispers.)
AUGIE: You’re going back out.
(Johnny sits up, dazed, rubbing his head.)
JOHNNY: I’m going back out.
NELLY: You’re not going anywhere.
JOHNNY: There’s a party somewhere in Los Angeles.
NELLY: You’re delirious.
JOHNNY: I’m going back out.
AUGIE: Let him go out! A man shouldn’t be afraid to leave his house.
JOHNNY: I’m not afraid. I’m going out. There’s a party somewhere in Los Angeles!
NELLY: You’re not going anywhere.
AUGIE (To Johnny): Are you afraid? Or are you a man?
JOHNNY: I’m a man! I’m a man! I’m a man!
(Johnny starts to wobble to the door. Nelly exits and reenters with a revolver. She points it at Johnny.)
NELLY: I happen to be real serious about this. I want obedience in this matter! I know about danger. I was raised on it. It was in the milk. It sets off a vibration in your gut, in the frightened liquids of your intestines: my dreams are thick with it. I’m closing the garage. Sealing us off from the rest of the world until I figure out what to do about this danger.
(Johnny lies on the sofa. Nelly goes to the garage. As she enters, she sees something on the ground and screams, Johnny sits up startled, and a projection of a human hand is shown.)
JOHNNY (Stunned): Did he have to do that to her? Did he have to chop off her hand? It was innocent! She wanted to know where I got my hair cut. What diet I was on. What gym I worked out at.
(Nelly rushes to Johnny, shaking, frightened.)
Now her jealous husband’s chopped off the beautiful hand that never touched me but wanted to . . .
NELLY: Oh Johnny. My eyes have been totaled by that amputated hand on the garage floor—oh—God—how that poor woman must have suffered . . .
JOHNNY: My face. My beautiful face. I did that to her.
(Nelly is fighting her body’s tendency to drop down on all fours.)
NELLY: No. No. Upright Nelly. Be upright. Don’t sink back, that’s what your enemies want.
JOHNNY: How many more will suffer for me?
(The projection of the severed hand disappears.)
NELLY: This wasn’t just an act of cruelty. It signals war. They’re coming for you. (She exits and reenters with a bulletproof vest) They’re capable of anything. Even if we lock the doors and smother ourselves behind barred windows, they’ll find away in. Armed Response won’t stop them. (She puts on the vest) I know where they live. I have lists. I know all the red Fiats we repaired. I know where they get together to plot severed hands and mayhem. (She sticks the revolver into her belt. She goes to Augie. She searches his room for the machete)
AUGIE: You won’t find them.
NELLY: I have lists! Computer lists. Shut up. You think I’m weak? You think I’m still that four-legged little mouse you used to bat around? I’m about to fulfill my potential.
AUGIE: Ain’t feminine.
NELLY: Is too! Where’s the fucking machete? (She finds the machete) Ah-ha! You’re going to stand guard. Okay? Just do it. I won’t be home. I have a mission.
AUGIE: All your energy wasted being tough.
NELLY: It’s how I survived your house, Dad. Now. I don’t want you to let anyone in. If they come near my husband, I want you to slash them thoroughly. (She hands him the machete) If I come home and he’s dead . . . I will take this machete and amputate your lifeless dick.
(Nelly kisses Augie on the cheek, goes to Johnny and kisses him.)
NELLY: And you. Step out of the house, I’ll kill you. Bye, honey.
(Nelly exits. With the machete on his lap, Augie wheels himself to Johnny in the center room. He watches Johnny sleep. He lifts the machete in the air as if about to chop Johnny’s head off.)
AUGIE: Hey! Are you my goat?! Are you the sacrifice I need?
JOHNNY (Asleep): Gotta get new pictures.
AUGIE: You’re as good as a goat. Stupid like a goat. I could cut your friggin’ head right off. Smear your blood all over my legs, wash them real good, and run away and be happy the rest of my life.
JOHNNY (Asleep): Get some new clothes. Drop ten pounds. Now that Nelly’s behind me, I’m going far.
(Augie lifts the machete as if to cut off Johnny’s head. He brings down the machete swiftly—but stops himself at the last second. He brings the sharp edge of the machete gently down on Johnny’s neck and laughs.)
AUGIE: There are better ways, Augie. Less blood.
(The projection of Gloria is seen.)
Johnny!
JOHNNY: Gloria!
AUGIE: It’s me, baby. Tell me. Are all those messy death threats and severed hands getting you down?
JOHNNY: I’m scared.
AUGIE: Don’t be blue, Johnny. There’s good news. I’m in town. I’m here in Los Angeles.
JOHNNY: You are?
AUGIE: And guess what! I have two-color eyes. I talk to my big sisters. Lizbeth, Maritza, and Felicia tell me how wonderful you are.
JOHNNY: Come over here!
AUGIE: I can’t. Your wife what’s-her-name is there. Come to me. I’m at the Toluca Lake Capri Motel.
JOHNNY: I can’t leave. Nelly’d kill me.
AUGIE: Once we’re together, I can give you the life you want.
JOHNNY: Jealous men will firebomb me if they see me in my car.
(The projection of a car is seen.)
AUGIE: I know you can’t be satisfied by one woman. You need new women with new eyes. Soon, my little sister Anita will be legal in many states. When that day comes, I’ll cheerfully let you go . . .
JOHNNY: You will? (Quickly) But they’ll burn me.
AUGIE: I’m here one night. This is our last chance.
JOHNNY: . . . I want to . . .
AUGIE: So get in your car, pick two fat oranges from your magic tree and meet me at the Toluca Lake Capri Motel.
(Johnny goes to the orange tree and picks two huge oranges.)
JOHNNY: Nelly . . . ?
AUGIE: My father will cover for you. He’ll swear you were here all night.
(Johnny looks around.)
JOHNNY: Nell? I’m sorry. She’s in my blood. I’m a weak man. I’m not good like you.
(Johnny exits. Hold on projection of the car. Augie pops a wheelie and holds up the machete, victorious.)
Scene Six
As Augie laughs, Nelly enters the center room, her gun smoking. She seems intoxicated.
NELLY: Johnny! Johnny! Haha! I was your Clint Eastwood, Johnny! And they made my day!
AUGIE: He’s not here. He’s out fooling around. Cheating on you.
NELLY (Laughing): I didn’t kill. But I maimed. I left behind a few legs with holes in them, a few splintered bones, and some shot-up hands. I blasted their cars to rusty pulp!
AUGIE: Doing it with your baby sister in a cheap Toluca Lake motel. I begged him not to go out.
NELLY: We live in a safe world. I cleaned it out for you. It’s now safe for people who love each other like you and me.
(A huge explosion! The projection of the car is replaced by a projection of a car in flames.
Johnny staggers in, clothes smoking. He covers his face with his hands. Nelly attends to him as if putting out a fire on his body. The projection of the flaming car disappears.
Lights down low until there’s only light around Nelly and Johnny.)
Scene Seven
Tableau: Nelly holding Johnny. Johnny facing upstage. Nelly facing downstage. Augie in darkness.
JOHNNY: Nelly, they rigged the car.
NELLY: You’ll be out of the hospital in one month. (Beat) We lost the garage. It went up in flames. People are avoiding “Nelly and Johnny’s.” The Calendar’s listed us as one of the top ten places to avoid in Los Angeles. (Beat) Your body wasn’t touched by the fire—but you didn’t escape the flames altogether.
JOHNNY: When can I go home? I feel fine. I don’t have a single burn.
NELLY: Remember that it doesn’t matter. Nothing’s changed. You’re still the same man. I still love you. (She holds up a white mask)
JOHNNY: Why did they cover all the mirrors in my room?
NELLY: The jealous men have stolen your precious beauty from this unlucky world. It’s your first death—my father predicted it.
JOHNNY: I’m all right! I’m fine! I wasn’t touched!
NELLY: So this is your new face.
JOHNNY: Why do they keep me here? (He turns to face the audience)
NELLY: Look up. Up.
JOHNNY: Why did they cover all the mirrors in my room?
(Johnny looks up. Nelly brings the mask down on his face. When it touches him, he screams. Nelly straps the skintight mask to his face and holds him.)
Scene Eight
Nelly takes Johnny to the sofa. Augie is joyfully flipping over tarot cards, barely able to contain his glee. Augie wears a Walkman.
NELLY: Dinner—will be—will be—ready—okay, I will not start talking funny! (Slow) I can’t—be—slipping—back. You see what happens Johnny? Everything goes! I will straighten up my speech! Grief will not destroy my language! (Determined) Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes! (Beat, normal) Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes. (Beat) It hurts to walk upright. Your accident’s made my back curve down. Ever since your fire. Ever since your meltdown. But I’m holding myself up. For you and Dad and what’s left of the business—I’m engaged in a struggle to make life work again. There will be fresh asparagus for dinner. Mashed potatoes, roast beef and fresh milk. Okay?
(Nelly waits. No response from Johnny.)
AUGIE: He always traded on his good looks to get away with murder. What’s he going to do without his secret weapon?
NELLY: He’s going to survive on my strength.
AUGIE: Yours? Are you stupid? Did you see the get-well cards from all the women he used to sing for?
NELLY: I beat my past. I slaughtered my inheritance. I maimed my bad speech and my crooked legs. I will beat this catastrophe too, Dad.
AUGIE: You know he keeps that woman’s severed hand in a baggie? Look in your closet. It’s there. Next to the shoes. He can look at it every day and remember the power of his lost beauty.
NELLY: Get up and let’s have dinner, Johnny.
(She waits. He’s motionless.)
No? You’re not hungry? (Beat. Soft) Maybe you’ll eat an orange with me? Oranges always make you want to play guitar.
(Nelly kisses Johnny and takes his hand.)
The modeling agencies have been calling nonstop. They loved your old pictures. They can find you work instantly. Uhm. I told them you weren’t available. They offered big contracts and I had to say no. I burned all your old pictures, Johnny, I had to. (Beat) I don’t care about it. Means nothing to me. Your face was not what I loved when I loved.
(Nelly, trying not to cry, exits. Lights fall. It’s night.)
Scene Nine
Johnny on the sofa. Augie in the center room. Nelly enters center room with a box of masks.
NELLY: Look at me. I understand it’s hard, Johnny. I’m suffering too. But I have to do something. I have to keep moving. (Beat) I reopened “Nelly and Johnny’s.” I’m working again. Twenty-four hours a day. Got on the phone to old customers. Begged them to come back. Told them it’s safe. They’re coming back!
(No response. Nelly looks at him a while.)
Try these other masks. Maybe you’ll feel better.
(Nelly takes a mask out of the box. It’s a Cary Grant mask. She puts it over Johnny’s white mask. She doesn’t like the way it looks. She tries another mask—a Donald Duck mask. That doesn’t look right either and she tries another.)
(To Augie:) I told his little groupies to go to hell. I threatened to blow them away.
AUGIE: Don’t you ever give up? That’s not a man. That’s a tackling dummy.
NELLY: Did you see the L.A. Times? The jealous husbands have taken out a full-page ad congratulating themselves for doing this to Johnny. I should have killed them all.
AUGIE: Me? I’m a real man with real needs, but you ignore me for that.
NELLY: I’m going to make Johnny come back. I’m going to improve his self-image. Get him going again.
AUGIE: Listen. You have to do the only honorable thing. The only moral thing. A mercy killing.
NELLY (Looks at him): What did you say?
AUGIE: He’s worthless. At least I can answer the phone and type.
NELLY: He still has his hands! He can still function!
(Nelly pulls Johnny to the car engine. Augie follows.)
AUGIE: Just kill him! Kill him and remarry! Live in the old house with me! Fill the old house with twenty-one children!
(Nelly makes Johnny stand in front of the engine.)
NELLY: His hands have memories of usefulness and hard work. That’s not dead in him.
AUGIE: You’ve got guns. It would be so easy to off him. And then you could blame it on a jealous husband—
NELLY: Johnny. This is Chevy engine. It needs a tune-up. Show me you can still do it. Show me you can still make it go.
(Johnny does not move.)
C’mon. You can do tune-ups in your sleep. Your hands are not burned. Your mind is not burned. Work is good for you. Work is important. Work keeps the spirit alive. Come on, Johnny.
(Johnny doesn’t move. Nelly grabs his hands angrily.)
Are you in prison, Johnny? Well, I’m in prison too! Goddamn you!
(Nelly lets his hands go and walks away.)
I put my hands on your face. After the fire. I was holding in the guts of your face. But you’re lost. And now it looks like I’m lost too. My face is burned. My eyes are burned white . . . (Fighting for control) . . . white, my love, like the screaming brains trying to squeeze out of your eyes—blind old brains enraged with heat, trying to escape that hot oven and the simmering nerves and the baked memories and the bubbling dreams—just trying to run out of that head and into the cool air . . .
(Nelly turns away, not wanting to let Johnny see her cry. Augie looks at Nelly and smiles.)
AUGIE: Mercy. Killing. Today.
(Nelly moves to slap him across the face. He grabs her hand and stops her.)
Tonight, if you can sleep, dream the future, dream next year, and you’ll see it doesn’t contain him.
NELLY: I’m throwing you out!
AUGIE: I’m your father. I know what’s best. I even know your name begins with an “N.” I know more than he does!
NELLY: You’re going back to Mom. GOING BACK TODAY! A
UGIE: That vegetable doesn’t know anything. Ask him. Ask him your name!
NELLY: I don’t have to test him.
AUGIE: What’s your wife’s name, Johnny?
NELLY: Leave him alone.
AUGIE: What is her name? Tell me her name!
NELLY (To Johnny): Don’t have to tell him anything!
(Beat.)
JOHNNY: I don’t know.
(Beat.)
NELLY: What, Johnny?
AUGIE: He doesn’t know.
(Beat.)
JOHNNY: I don’t remember.
NELLY (Shocked): It’s Nelly. My—my—my—name—
JOHNNY: I don’t know it. I’m sorry.
NELLY: Say name! My name! (Panicking) What’s my goddamn name?
(Beat.)
JOHNNY: Pinhead . . . ?
(Augie laughs.)
NELLY: What?
AUGIE (Laughing): Pinhead!
NELLY: Johnny?
AUGIE: He called you Pinhead!
(Augie laughs. Nelly leaves the stage. Augie sees his chance and hurries to Johnny.)
AUGIE: You smashed my radio. But I adapted. Now I have a Walkman. I’m a survivor. I don’t think you’re a survivor. You still smell like the fire. I lost my appetite for a week because of the barbecue smell of your skin. Wanna listen to my radio now?
(He puts the Walkman on Johnny. We hear horrible, dissonant sounds: human cries, wind, electric noise.)
Listen to the hurricane now. To the world out of control all around you. The chaos of deferred dreams. The riot of sexual rejection. You think Gloria wants to nuzzle up against that charred stump of yours? Or Anita? Or Rosaline?
(Augie takes the Walkman off Johnny. The sounds disappear.)
Your wife won’t do you the favor of a mercy killing. So you have to take the initiative. A nice, clean suicide is the best way. (He wheels himself to the orange tree) See this? Some oranges have turned black. They’re sour inside. They’re no longer the sweet aphrodisiac you seduced my dear daughter what’s-her-name with. The grief in this house has turned the juice in each orange into high-octane gasoline. Really flammable. Smell.
(Augie plucks a black orange from the tree and puts it under Johnny’s nose. Johnny sniffs and quickly jerks away.)
Pure gasoline. Very explosive. The key to your freedom.
(Nelly enters with a suitcase. She goes to Augie.)
NELLY: I want you to get the hell out of my house!
AUGIE: Why? What’d I do . . . ?
NELLY: Get out, you parasitic, caustic, irrational, lethal, inconsiderate, possessive, demeaning, disgusting, degenerate old man!
AUGIE: Your name begins with an N! It’s Naomi!
NELLY: He is the man I love! He went through hell for me. He gave up his dreams for me. I will not abandon such a man!
AUGIE: Norma? Nina?
NELLY: How could I have been so stupid? How could I not have seen you sooner? Seen you for what you really—really—really—really—(She falls to the ground. She starts running around on all fours)
AUGIE: That’s my girl! That’s the girl I love! I’ll take care of you now!
NELLY: No—!
AUGIE: Run, run, little girl! You’re so cute when you scamper!
NELLY: I can fight this—!
AUGIE: Your name! It’s coming back to me . . .
NELLY: . . . I can stop this . . .
AUGIE: Ne—Ne—Ne—Nel—
NELLY: I’m fighting. I’m fighting. I’m fighting. (She stops running) I’m fighting you. (She straightens up with great difficulty)
AUGIE (Panicking): Ne—Ne—Nel—Ne—Ne—
NELLY: Nelly, Nelly, it’s Nelly—(She dashes to Augie’s suitcase) You’re going back home to Mom. Your bags are packed. You leave in one hour.
AUGIE: Let me prove I love you!
NELLY: I called home. Mom and her boyfriend are getting married and moving to the Galápagos Islands. You have the house all to yourself—
AUGIE: Johnny! Tell her I can’t go back! I’ll die in that house!
NELLY: I’ll hire a nurse to walk you and cook for you.
AUGIE: Alone? With all the memories in that house?
NELLY: When Johnny’s back on his feet, I’ll visit you. Christmas maybe.
AUGIE: The animals! My grandchildren’s hungry animals! They’ll eat me alive!
NELLY: I hope so.
AUGIE: You’re sending me to my death! I won’t go!
(Nelly pulls out the revolver and points it at Augie.)
NELLY: You’ll go. And you’ll like it.
(Nelly picks up the suitcases and leaves the house. As Augie wheels himself out, he stops near Johnny.)
AUGIE: Remember to cleanse yourself, Johnny. In oranges. (He wheels himself out)
Scene Ten
Lights up in Augie’s old bedroom left. Nelly is there. Augie sits in the square-wheeled chair.
NELLY: I can’t believe how big the house has gotten. Almost covers the block.
AUGIE: I’ll die of loneliness.
NELLY: You gave birth to twenty-one children, how can you be lonely?
AUGIE: I miss Los Angeles! The palm trees. The sun. The big lovely room I lived in. The Midnight Stalker! The plague!
(Nelly can barely look at him.)
NELLY: I don’t know what to say to you, Dad. I thought there was something else in you. Something . . . what? . . . good? Does that word remotely apply to you? What was good, Dad? That you loved me enough to wish Johnny dead? Should that make me happy? (Beat) My gray eye. Gives me sight. That’s from you. Sight is good. But when I think of some of the things you’ve said and done . . . I almost want to scrape my gray eye out with a stick, Dad, and go blind . . . (She kisses him quickly. She starts to exit) AUGIE: Your name is Nelly.
(She stops. Augie can barely look at her.)
Nelly was your mother’s mother’s name. She was a brave old lady with different-color eyes who could see the future in her sleep. Old Nelly averted disasters by dreaming them before they happened. Hurricanes, droughts, insect invasions. But her talent took its toll. Every time she predicted a disaster she absorbed the fear for all her people and that made her gray, feeble, fragile, before her time. She drank heavily to calm her electrified nerves. She died young. A hero. Nelly is my eleventh child, my fifth daughter. Oscar, Maritza, Nilda, Heriberto, Carlos, Marcos, Beto, Lizbeth, Jesus, Felicia, Che, Gloria, Antonio, Anita, Rosaline, Primitivo, Ping, Sylvia, Linda, Freddie and the one who stuck by me the longest, the one we called Nelly.
(Nelly looks at her father. Lights up on the center room. Johnny sits motionless on the sofa, waiting.)
NELLY: Christmas. Maybe.
(Nelly exits. Augie is alone. Light starts coming down on him.)
AUGIE: Get back here. Hey Pinhead! Pinhead! I made that up! It wasn’t real! But it almost worked, huh? I almost had you going, didn’t I, Pinhead?
(Augie looks around, truly frightened. The door to the offstage bedroom opens and he stares into the room—what he sees in there shocks him.)
Oh my God.
(We hear the low growl of a large carnivore. It’s joined by other animal sounds—growls, shrieks, the flap of wings—getting louder, sounding strange and unnatural. Augie covers his ears, knowing this is the end.)
C’mon Augie. What do you have to say now? Nothing? No apology? No remorse? No prayer? No farewell speech? No cursing? No lamentation? (Beat) No confession?
(Augie screams. Animal noises stop.)
Scene Eleven
Nelly enters the center room. The other rooms are dark. Nelly sits on the sofa with Johnny.
NELLY: So what do you say? Let’s eat a few oranges and make wild, beautiful babies. It’s been a long time, Johnny. We need to make ourselves feel good again and forget our worries. Do you want to?
JOHNNY: No.
NELLY: Are you sure?
JOHNNY: Yes.
NELLY: Never?
JOHNNY: How?
NELLY: Easy! The old-fashioned way. I take off your clothes, you take off mine, we get on top of each other—you remember.
JOHNNY: I’m too ugly.
NELLY: No!
JOHNNY: I’ll make ugly babies.
NELLY: You won’t make ugly babies—
JOHNNY: I’ll make ugly babies! I will! I’ll make ugly babies covered in scar tissue with their lips burned off and third-degree burns on their baby-blue eyes! Forget it. (Beat) Please forget it.
(Beat.)
NELLY: Never?
(Johnny doesn’t answer.)
I’ll make you change your mind. I’m not giving up. It’s going to take some work, but we will have our old life back. (She stands) I have to go to Encino. The “Nelly and Johnny’s” there is in deep trouble. They need me. I won’t be long.
JOHNNY (Sadly): I’m sorry about everything. Goodbye.
NELLY (Not sure what he means): Goodbye? Goodbye to you.
(Nelly exits. Johnny alone.)
Scene Twelve
A red sunset washes the stage. Johnny is motionless for a moment. Then he stands.
JOHNNY: Johnny is vain. Johnny is ignorant. Johnny is perverted. Johnny is empty-headed. Johnny is self-centered. Johnny is sleazy. Johnny is redundant. Johnny is derivative.
(Johnny plucks a black orange from the tree, cuts it open and pours the cold gasoline from the orange over the furniture. Then he douses himself in the gasoline. He reaches into his pocket for a lighter, flicks on the flame and the stage is brilliant, bright red.
Johnny takes off the mask as imaginary flames engulf him. We see a projection of a burning house. As he burns:)
Nelly is good. Nelly is clever. Nelly is fierce. Nelly is loyal. Nelly is warm. Nelly is kind. Nelly is . . . Nelly is . . . is . . . is . . . is . . . is. Nelly is.
(All the areas of the stage are wrapped in flames. The light hits a bright peak and then slowly fades to black.)
Scene Thirteen
Somewhere in front of the house, Nelly runs on, on all fours—a spotlight following her. She stops in the center of the stage and looks at the audience. Hold for a moment. Then she starts running around and around, as the spotlight gets smaller and smaller. Just before it disappears, Nelly shoots to her feet as if every muscle in her body were electrified. She stands. Blackout.