CLARKSTON, GA—A red-lace nightgown, barely covering area resident Amanda Yetter’s body, sent waves of dread through husband and closeted homosexual Eric Yetter Friday.
Closeted homosexual Eric Yetter and wife, Amanda.
“I was coming home late from a long, tiring day at the office, and Amanda met me at the door wearing that red thing,” said Yetter, 36, referring to the size-large, satin-trimmed, babydoll-style nightgown with matching ruffled thong bikini Amanda recently purchased at Victoria’s Secret. “I immediately thought, ‘Oh, God, here we go again.’ ”
Yetter, who has yet to admit his homosexual desires to himself, much less his wife, returned home at 10 p.m. expecting Amanda to be asleep.
“When I pulled in the driveway, all the lights were all off, so I figured I’d be able to just relax and watch some TV,” Yetter said. “But as it turned out, Amanda was waiting for me with the whole house lit up with candles and vanilla incense.”
Upon seeing his wife in the nightie, Yetter feared that the situation would lead to intercourse, which until that point he had managed to avoid for a record seven weeks. Panicked, he began searching for an excuse.
“As Amanda unbuttoned my shirt, I tried to tell her that we’d wake up Eric Jr., but she said Grandma took him for the night so that we could finally spend some time alone,” Yetter said. “Then I told her that I had to get up early to cut the grass, but she reminded me that the mower was broken. That’s when I knew there was no way out.”
“ ‘It’d be nice if he enjoyed it more, but you know how men are. When you finally talk them into it, they just want to get in there, shut their eyes tight, and get it over with as quickly as possible.’ ”
Yetter was led into the bedroom, where playing on the stereo was the CD compilation Pure Romance, an album he associates with a particularly unbearable Jan. 6 encounter with his wife involving mutual oral sex. After being instructed to kiss his wife all over, Yetter was then subjected to 23 minutes of marital relations.
“Amanda complains that we don’t have sex often enough, but she has to understand that I have a very high-pressure job,” Yetter said. “And then there’s church, which we’re very involved with.”
Because of Yetter’s strong Catholic faith, the couple abstained from sex until after their June 1995 wedding, an event that was originally scheduled for May 1993 but was delayed numerous times due to “extenuating circumstances.”
Amanda said that, overall, she is satisfied with her sex life.
The nightie.
“I have to admit, it isn’t exactly everything I’ve ever wanted, but it’s normal for a couple’s love life to fall off a bit as time goes by,” she said. “Still, I just can’t help but wish it was more like it was when we first got married. We were pretty crazy that first day or two!”
In addition to the infrequency of their coupling, Amanda expressed disappointment over her husband’s habit of having a few drinks to “loosen up” to the point of inebriation before intercourse, as well as his tendency to face away from her during the act itself.
“ ‘I just can’t help but wish it was more like it was when we first got married. We were pretty crazy that first day or two!’ ”
“It’d be nice if he enjoyed it more, but you know how men are,” Amanda said. “When you finally talk them into it, they just want to get in there, shut their eyes tight, and get it over with as quickly as possible.”
Added Amanda: “I’m hoping, though, that if I can be more creative in the romance department, I can spice things up a bit. Maybe then, Eric won’t spend so much time in his study with the door locked.”
With Friday’s coital duties behind him, Yetter is now focusing on the couple’s June 11 anniversary.
“I hope Amanda doesn’t expect us to go someplace romantic for the weekend,” Yetter said. “A dinner out would be okay, but some secluded little bed-and-breakfast by the sea would be way too much. Amanda should know that sort of thing doesn’t interest me.” 
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Area Couple Not Sure If Sex Was Tantric
SCARSDALE, NY—Following two hours of stilted, uncomfortable intercourse in which the couple started and stopped at various times, Jeff and Kara DiMarco speculated Saturday as to whether they had just engaged in tantric sex. “I’m pretty sure it was tantric,” said Jeff DiMarco, adding that he and his wife skimmed an Esquire article about tantra last month, and that what they did Saturday was “like that, sort of.” “We were definitely breathing together, and I know I didn’t climax, even though I came close a few times. And I think we transmitted energy. Honey, we transmitted energy, right?” Wife Kara later told reporters that she was pretty sure her chakra had been stimulated at some point Saturday, but she couldn’t say for sure.
