Joe sounded the horn when he drove into Esther’s drive at six the next morning to let Chet know he was there. He hadn’t slept well and had been up since four. He’d finished all the coffee in the house and hadn’t eaten much of a breakfast. This routine would have to do. The last thing he wanted to do was see Esther or Daisy. The shame that weighed on his shoulders was too great.
Many things grieved him—his irresponsibility with Daisy, his argument with Esther, and the kiss. It hadn’t been the right time to kiss her, but he’d followed his instinct. That woman needed to be kissed, and by the reaction he got, she knew it. Their closeness always felt like more than a kiss but an exchange of passions, devotions, and thoughts. It made him want to keep learning about Esther—and to kiss her again.
This was where his thoughts became muddled. The draw he had to her was too unexpected. During his time at war, he rarely thought of coming home, remarrying, and settling down again. He’d filled his mind with happy memories of Irene and Daisy and tried to forget that it was all just a fantasy.
His thoughts toward Esther trespassed the boundaries he’d set for himself. Esther was more than a temptation of a deprived man, but he’d sent her away when she asked questions he didn’t like. He wasn’t sure he could ever be the kind of man who could be vulnerable enough to keep a wife. Irene had made it easy to be himself, but that man didn’t exist anymore. When things had just begun to make sense, everything changed again, and he missed his daughter.
The tension and changes caused his night terrors to be more active than ever before. They had slowed down with Daisy at home. He would wake up in a cold sweat every few nights and had once found himself under the bed, taking refuge in what he thought was a foxhole, and breathing quickly through his teeth as if preparing to fight the enemy.
This week he hadn’t bothered to tether himself to his bed, partly as penance for his mistakes. During a night terror, he found himself standing in Daisy’s room, her clothes pulled out from her bureau and tossed everywhere. Another time, he woke in the middle of the road, facing in the direction of Esther’s house. Was his subconscious telling him to go to his daughter? To Esther? These night terrors weren’t like the ones from before. Instead of hearing gunshots, his squad leader yelling orders, men screaming, and bombs exploding, he simply heard nothing. It wasn’t just quiet; it was complete silence. Visions of Daisy’s tied hands would cut into his mind, and when he would go to rescue her, he found that his own were tied as well.
“Garrison.” The gruff voice right behind him made Joe jump.
“Yes, sir,” Joe said, raising his hand to salute.
“Now, now, don’t you go and salute me. Those days are over for me—but,” Wayne winced a little, “I wanted to talk to you about something. Let’s go in my trailer for a smoke.”
Joe was intrigued by his boss’s comment and wasn’t going to turn down a cigarette. He’d run out two days ago and hadn’t been anywhere to buy more. Wayne’s trailer was cooler than the heat of the sun outside, and it was cared for meticulously. As it appeared to Joe, nothing was out of place.
“Sit down,” Wayne said and gestured to the chair on the other side of the small table that was used as a desk. Wayne pushed a cigarette package across the table and a matchbook behind it. “I’ve got a proposition for you.”
A proposition?
“Maybe we can call it a mission.” Wayne winked.
Something about this conversation didn’t sound right to Joe but he would hear him out.
“I’m taking a crew over to God-forsaken Poland to help with reconstruction. We’ll be gone for maybe six months or maybe longer.”
We?
“I don’t want to go over with a bunch of jokesters, but some fellows ready to get the job done. Wage would go up, not as high as it was when you were serving, but better than what you’re making now.” Wayne paused to take a pull from his cigarette. “I’d like you to come as my right-hand man. What do you say?”
“Go over there? To Poland?”
Wayne chuckled and leaned back in his chair.
“I know you were in the islands, but I’m sure it ain’t looking much better. Those countries are torn up. And we can make some good money and do a lot of good, of course.”
“What about your wife?” Joe asked.
Wayne waved a hand at him and mumbled something under his breath. “At least you don’t have to worry about a wife.” He sat up in his chair and stretched as he stood.
No. He didn’t have a wife. He had Daisy. And then there was Esther. But would it matter? For nearly a week, they’d been living separate lives, and he didn’t know if that would ever change.
“Well? Can I count on you?” He pointed a finger at him, reminding him of the Uncle Sam posters saying I want you.
“I’ll need to think about it,” Joe said. He’d just told Esther that he wasn’t any good at parenting. Daisy would ultimately be happier with Esther anyway—if she was ever herself again anyway. She could go back to the world that had begun to accept her for who she was and never be put through Joe’s poor decision making. Esther could be her mother—he’d never asked, but wasn’t that what she wanted? Irene would approve of that much anyway, though she would hardly approve of anything else.
“I need an answer by the end of the week. We ship off next month.” Wayne opened the door to the small trailer. “What about Chet? I was thinking of asking him.”
“I thought you said he was a good-for-nothing?”
Wayne shrugged. “He’s not so bad. He’s really proven himself over the last few months. Done pretty good work lately, and the guys all like him. He might be good for morale.” Wayne walked out and was calling out orders before the door slammed shut, leaving Joe alone.
“He asked you, didn’t he?” Chet asked him as they drove home a few hours later. “To go to Poland.”
Joe looked over at the older man. This was the first time in all their weeks of working together that Chet hadn’t fallen asleep by this point on their way home. He really had cleaned up his act at work also. Joe had to agree with Wayne.
“Did he ask you?” Joe questioned.
“Sure did.” Chet nodded his head dramatically. “That was an easy decision. I ain’t going.”
Joe shrugged, keeping his eyes straight ahead. “You’re not even going to think about it?”
“What’s there to think about? I returned to Sunrise to get away from that life. I’m settling down.”
“It’s just six months or so. It’s not forever.”
“That’s how it starts. But it’s never over, Joe. Six months in Poland, and then something else will come up or it’ll get extended to a year. Then with one thing or another, it’ll be years before you return and your girl won’t even know you—again.”
“Are we talking about you or me?” Daisy wouldn’t forget him. She was older now. And it wouldn’t be the way he made it out to be. It would be six months, and then he’d be home. Maybe a little while away would do them both some good. He could come back and they could have a fresh start.
“Both of us. You know that. We both went running off, away from our demons, for one reason or another, and we missed out. You and me, we ain’t much different.”
Joe laughed, getting angry. “You and me? You left your family and made everyone believe you were dead. You were away for almost thirty years.”
Joe turned into Esther’s drive roughly, spinning gravel. Chet had no right to talk to him that way.
“I don’t deny it. It’s the worst decision I ever made. I seem to remember you leaving behind a particular little girl. You might have had different demons chasing you, but they were there and maybe they still are.” Chet opened the truck door. He grimaced in frustration. He’d never shown so much passion in anything before. “You think on it long and hard, son. There’s a little girl in there who can barely eat for grieving over her daddy. And there’s a woman in there who I think might love you and I think you love her right back. You ready to walk away from that?”
Joe waved his words off.
“I just don’t think I can stay here. It’s just too hard. Daisy’s better off.”
“Listen, I told myself that for years—for decades. But what it came down to was this. Who do you love more? Daisy and Esther—or yourself?”
“Don’t you preach to me. I know I’m a terrible dad, Chet. And I think you know all about that.” He threw the low blow hard enough to hit the older man deep in the gut.
Chet shook his head. “Well, I’m going to keep trying with my girl. Someday it’ll be too late, but it’s not too late right now.”
The next morning Joe woke up sitting on the couch with his shotgun on his lap. Loaded and ready. What if he’d taken the shotgun to Esther’s house in his sleep? He would have to tie himself up again—leash himself to the bed like an animal before he hurt someone, or worse. And then he would have to leave. He was too dangerous to be around the two people he loved most—Daisy and Esther.
He knocked hard on Esther’s wooden door. It was barely five o’clock, and Esther was in her nightgown when she opened the door. Her face was pale, as if she’d just woken up, which she probably had. Her hair was in a long braid that cascaded down the front of her shoulder. She was striking even in the early morning. Esther’s Amish dresses were always so cinched at the waist that having the billowing thin fabric hanging loosely around her body made his mind wander. He looked away—she was too distracting.
“Joe?” She widened the door and looked around at the quiet road before she walked out onto the front porch.
She rubbed her face and Joe realized how tired she looked.
“I just couldn’t wait any longer to have this conversation.” He began pacing the creaky porch.
“Conversation?” Esther touched his arm and looked at him in the eyes. “Have you slept at all?”
Joe pulled his arm from her warm touch.
“I could say the same thing about you.”
“Daisy’s not sleeping.” Esther stated it so simply, there was no hint of condemnation in her tone. “She’s much improved from Sunday, but she’s—”
“I’m leaving,” Joe interrupted. “And I want you to keep Daisy.”
She would grow accustomed to the new arrangement. She had once before, and she would again. She loved Esther. Esther loved Daisy. They were good together.
Esther hung her head and shook it back and forth. She leaned against the rail of the porch. “Oh, Joe. What are you talking about?”
“My boss wants me to go to Poland with him to help with reconstruction. It’s a great opportunity, and you and Daisy will want for nothing. I’ll send you most of my check. I won’t go through Angelica this time.” He spoke everything fast to get it all out, afraid he might take it all back if spoken slowly. “Maybe when I get back . . .”
His voice faded.
“What?” Esther stood straighter. Her voice was barely audible. Her large dark eyes blinked and her tears fell. He wasn’t sure she’d ever looked so pretty. Large teardrops, glimmering in the sunrise, trailed down her cheeks.
Joe looked away and stared at the sunrise until his eyes burned.
“I can’t stay.” Joe’s heart shrunk into itself and beat only half beats at a time now. Pain. But he had made too many mistakes with her already and with his night terrors—he couldn’t bring her home. “I’m no good for her. I’m no good for you.”