part0034

At one point or another, we’ve all said or heard the phrase, “You have my word.” When someone speaks these words to you, what immediately pops into your head? If you’re like me, it varies depending on who said them. Your word is like currency — it can be devalued by the smallest of circumstances.

When I was a child, my stepfather would often tell me, “Boy, when you give a person your word, you do it no matter what. In the end, your word is the only thing you have of value.” I can still remember the sound of his voice as he said those powerful words. I’d like to think my word is all anyone would ever need from me today but I know that hasn’t always been the case.

My first job as an 18-year-old “adult” was as a security alarm monitor for a mom-and-pop security company. My shift was from 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. I sat in a small narrow room alongside three women who worked an old-fashioned switchboard. (For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, Google “Ernestine on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.”) Now imagine sitting in a corner on a metal folding chair for 12 hours at a time, perched in front of an alarm panel while three operators answered calls and gossiped. That was my world on that very first — very long — night on the job.

After that very long and boring 12-hour shift, I decided I wasn’t going back. And I didn’t. I ghosted, as we’d say today. A week later, I called my ex-boss and asked to be paid for that one shift. After a few choice words, he told me to meet him at his home. When I got there, he said, “When a man gives me his word, I expect him to follow through. Not only are you not a man of your word, you didn’t have the nerve to call me and tell me you wouldn’t be back. It took me two hours to find someone to fill that shift and the lady who relieved you almost missed her daughter’s Sunday-school play.” I was instantly sorry and ashamed. For all my 18 years, I wasn’t feeling very “adult” that day.

Since then, I have strived very hard to follow through on my word — by either fulfilling the obligation myself or by making alternate arrangements that were acceptable to the person to whom I had given my word. I know what it feels like when someone breaks their word, and it’s problematic not just in the moment but sometimes forever. A broken commitment that lies in the path of a personal or professional relationship makes it more difficult to believe anything that person tells you in the future.

As I’m writing this, my wife and I are overseeing the remodeling of the bathrooms in our house. Our biggest reason for selecting our contractor was that he said he and his partner would do all the work, except for the plumbing and electrical. Not having half a dozen or more contractors traipsing through my house was a big selling point. It was also nice that we would be able to communicate directly with him on a daily basis to make sure everything was moving forward as scheduled. Imagine my surprise when I saw several people from various trades coming and going from my home. I decided to confront Chris, and here’s how the exchange unfolded:

At this point, what do you think his word is worth to me? If you said, “not much!” you’d be correct. A few extra people in my house to ensure a good final result wasn’t a horrible price to pay, but I was hung up on the principle. He’d given his word, then invited strangers into my home. You might not be in the midst of a renovation project, but I’m sure you can relate to these moments of miscommunication and broken promises — at work and in life. It takes very little to destroy trust and considerably more to rebuild it.

What are some things you do to make sure your word retains its value?

Being a person of your word means honoring commitments. That’s quite easy in the beginning. You see, starting a relationship as a person of your word is easy to do. You do exactly what you say you are going to do. Then life gets in the way and things get complicated. Everyone goes back on their word from time to time, so I’m not suggesting that this is a habit only of “bad people.” It’s a human habit, and I know we can work to do better .

Let’s explore why we sometimes go back on our word. Think about the last time you told someone you’d do something. Why did you say you would? For most of us — in that moment at least — we want to help and it makes us feel good to say yes . The problem is that we don’t always know what the future will hold. As you can see in the following model, there are two factors that will determine the likelihood that you will keep your word:

A person will have a high level of commitment if their personal beliefs, values, and motivations are aligned with the promise at the time of execution. In other words, at the time you make the promise, you may have felt one way but your beliefs, values, or motivation may have changed when it came time to execute the promise. The more conditions favorable to you at the time of execution, the greater the chance that you will follow through with the promise. For example, let’s imagine that Wednesday evening is the only night during the week you have to yourself. If someone asks for something on that day and you say yes , there is a greater chance that you will find a reason for not executing the promise. Your life is already engineered in such a way that you feel exhausted by Wednesday afternoon.

That begs the question: What can you do to increase the likelihood you will keep your word when you give it ?

Make fewer promises. If you make 10 promises and only keep three, your word isn’t worth much. But if you make three promises and keep all three, your word is golden. The best promise you can make when you are unsure is the promise of consideration. Simply say, “I can’t promise you anything right now but give me until the end of the day to think about it and I’ll get back to you.” This way, you have only committed to getting back to them by the end of the day (or whatever timeframe you establish). Nothing more, nothing less.

Quickly do what you say you’re going to do. It’s one of the best ways to keep your word. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” Try to avoid making promises when the execution day is not in the near future. The further the execution date is from the time of making the promise, the greater chance that your life circumstances will change — making it less likely you will follow through. When you postpone unpleasant promises, it increases your stress level. Take your time before responding. Don’t promise things you have no desire to do. Don’t say yes in the moment just because you don’t want to let someone down or because you feel bad for them — leader up and say no ! (There are plenty of ways to do so that are respectful and kind.) If, when you volunteer to do something (or are asked to do something), you know in that moment that it’s something you don’t want to do and that the promise might not be executable (in terms of the speed, quality, or completeness that is expected), you’re apt to eventually find a reason not to keep the promise. By taking your time and thinking it through, you are more likely to promise exactly what you can give. Remember that making promises you don’t want to keep (or can’t keep) doesn’t help anyone; it’s far better to disavow the commitment from the get-go.

Don’t forget! Another, perhaps obvious, way to increase the likelihood that you’ll keep your commitments is to write them down. Even if it’s something small, making a note of the promise is important because every promise counts (no matter how big or small). When prioritizing your actions (for the day, week, or month), always rank a promise as a high-priority item to ensure it is one of the first things you do. In addition to reminding yourself about promises and their status, it’s important to communicate the status of the promise to the person you owe it to. If you can’t deliver on time or in the manner you thought you could, then communicate that as soon as possible. By maintaining open communication, you are showing the other person that you are making an effort to keep your word. In cases in which you have committed to something that is far into the future, increase your communication frequency.

In this modern world, we’re often asked to do too much and hold ourselves to impossible standards. We are a culture of “busy-ness” and workaholism, always 10 minutes late to our next appointment and two days behind on our commitments. Culturally, it’s become more difficult to say no or to do less. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do better. While it isn’t always easy to deliver on your promises, it’s crucial that once we give our word, we follow through. I believe it’s a hallmark of true leadership and a skill (and attitude) that can be learned.

Like most things, delivering on your promises requires effort. But when you do, you will be seen as responsible, and people will have more trust in you. And if you break a promise, which you will (we all do!), you must apologize; exercise humility and don’t let broken promises become a pattern. And because learning to keep your commitments will reduce your stress (your guilt, your fear, your frustration, your anxiety), being a man or woman of your word is as much a gift to yourself as it is to everyone else .