SOMETIME during Jackson’s speech Becca disappeared, seemingly too humiliated by Jackson exposing her to stay at the dance. Taylor feared there would be hell to pay for it down the road, but right now he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
After everyone else had left the dance, Benny came to Taylor, hugged him hard, and told him, “Now if you mess this up, you only have yourself to blame.”
Taylor’s hands were clammy and he felt queasy, and Benny was making it worse. “Thanks, Benny, that goes a long way to soothing my nerves.”
“Half the battle is done already. He likes you. Now you just need to make him love you. It won’t be hard, believe me,” Benny whispered in a soothing voice. He gave Taylor a little push in Jackson’s direction.
Taylor pulled his jacket tight around him and slowly made his way to where Jackson was waiting. A light snow fell, blanketing everything. Against the streetlights it looked like a snow globe. To Taylor it seemed like he was in a dream. He was almost afraid to talk to Jackson, scared he’d wake up to find it had all been nothing more than a dream. It would crush him.
Jackson opened the door of his truck, helped Taylor into the passenger seat, and went to the driver’s side and slid into his seat. He didn’t look at Taylor, just stared straight ahead. He drew a deep breath before launching into the conversation.
“I need you to understand why I’m telling you this, Taylor. I have never shared this much of myself with anyone. I never wanted to. Over the last two years, I got it into my head we could be together, even though I thought you hated me,” Jackson admitted. “I feel stupid now that I know the truth, because it’s something that should have been obvious all along. Actually, it was obvious, but I was too afraid to take a chance. I never let anyone into my life like this, not even Becca. I thought she was a friend, but she could never be the one I shared everything with. Does that make sense to you?”
Taylor nodded. It made perfect sense. He thought back to the times he’d seen Jackson and Becca together, realizing Jackson never touched her or kissed her in any way that could ever be mistaken for love. He was ashamed he’d let Becca get into his head like that.
“My mom left when I was four,” Jackson said. “She decided she didn’t want to be stuck with me and my dad because we never stayed anywhere long enough for her to feel at home. I think that’s where I get it from. All my life growing up, I’d be in a school for, maybe, six months or so. The longest was a year, back when I was ten or eleven. I never bothered to try and get to know people after second grade, because I knew we weren’t going to be there very long. I stopped making close friends because it hurt too much to leave them behind,” he said with a wistful sigh. “It was better if I just stayed to myself. Growing up and being the new kid in every school sucked. You were constantly teased, never belonged to a group, couldn’t really fit in anywhere.”
Taylor listened, being careful not to interrupt. He could tell by Jackson’s expression this was something he needed to say and really wanted to get off his chest.
“When I was in sixth grade, we were in Los Angeles. That was the worst year for me, ever. I realized I was gay, and that made me feel doubly alone, because I had no friends to talk with, no mom at home, and there was no way I could talk to my dad. I started going online and reading and joining chat boards for gay kids. That made me feel a little better, but still I never made real friends, flesh-and-blood people who could hug me when I was feeling bad, someone who would love me. I became depressed. My dad wanted me to talk to someone, but with us moving around all the time, we just never got around to it.”
Jackson stopped for a moment, his eyes locked on to the steering wheel, hands running over the rough surface of the covering.
“When I was twelve, my mom died. She’d gone out and gotten so drunk one night that when they found her car….” Jackson shuddered at the memory. “Well, it wasn’t easy to get her separated from the vehicle. She was already gone, died instantly when she ran into a bridge abutment. The police estimated she was doing sixty in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone, fell asleep, and….”
His breathing hitched a few times before he continued. “That was the lowest point in my life. I was just becoming a teenager, realized I was gay, had no friends, a father who was never there, and now no mom. And it was weird, you know? I mean, I hadn’t seen her since she left, but I always held out hope one day she’d come get me and take me to live with her. I’d be able to have a normal life, but that dream went up in smoke.”
He fell silent for a moment. Taylor watched him trying to breathe evenly, and he held his own breath, feeling sure something was coming, something important.
“It got so bad that I considered suicide. A couple times.” Jackson’s eyes met Taylor’s. “I never did anything,” he added quickly, “but I felt like I could, you know? There were times my dad would go out of town on a business trip, and I’d be home alone for a few days and just thought how easy it would be to just give up. The next day I’d wake up, and the whole cycle would start again.
Jackson’s voice dropped, and he turned away from Taylor. “It took me over a year to come to terms with being gay, but I stayed so hidden in the closet that I got further away from people. Then I wasn’t just the new kid, I was the freak and weirdo. That amped up the teasing. It was so easy to pick on the fag emo kid because he never fought back. Of course, no one knew I was gay, but anyone different is an automatic fag.” He sighed.
Jackson’s gaze returned to Taylor, his eyes moist. The glow from the streetlights let Taylor see the hope in Jackson’s eyes, pleading for him to understand, to not reject him outright. Taylor placed his hand on Jackson’s arm and smiled at him, giving him permission to continue.
“After that it was off to another school. I don’t even remember where this one was. Some small hick town my dad got stuck in upgrading a computer system. It was terrible there. The kids were nasty and vindictive, hated anything different from them. That’s where I started working out, building myself up because I was tired of being the victim. I tried to change my attitude… at least, the one they saw. Inside I was still terrified, but I tried to keep it under wraps. I figured I could tuck it away in my closet to keep the rest of me company.”
The truck was chilly, and Taylor could feel the cold seeping into his legs. He didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t want Jackson to stop talking, but he couldn’t stop the shiver that went through him. Jackson saw it and that brought him up short.
“I’m so sorry, Taylor. I’m an idiot. I should just take you home.”
“No, please,” Taylor whispered, putting his hand on Jackson’s arm. “I don’t want to go. I want to talk with you some more. Can we just go somewhere? Maybe get something to eat or drink? Really, Jackson, I need to hear this. If it’s easier for you, we can stay in the truck. I don’t mind. Maybe we could just turn the heat back on?” he asked hopefully.
Jackson chuckled. His grin was lopsided and so adorable.
“Something to eat would be good. Denny’s is open all night. Would that be okay with you?”
“Anywhere is fine, really.”
They drove together in companionable silence. On opening the restaurant door, they were greeted with a blast of warm air that carried the scents of bacon and hash browns. Taylor’s stomach growled.
“Evening, guys. Two of you tonight?” the waitress asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” Jackson replied. “Would it be okay if we sat in the booth in the back corner?”
Fortunately the restaurant was slow. The waitress smiled, directed them to the secluded spot, and handed them their menus. “My name’s Elaine, and I’ll be taking care of you guys tonight. I’ll let you take a look at the menu for a few minutes, and then I’ll get your order.”
Jackson let Taylor slide into the booth before he slid in next to him.
“I’d like to hear the rest of your story, if you’re ready,” Taylor told Jackson.
Jackson took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I told you that I was going to change my attitude. Part of that was I started working out. As I bulked up, kids became afraid of me,” Jackson continued. “Most of them stopped harassing me and left me alone, which was great, but I was still really lonely. There was never anyone I really wanted to be with. It was always be picked on or be left alone.”
Elaine stopped at the table and gazed at them. “You two are so cute together,” she said. “Did you have prom tonight?”
Taylor flushed.
“We did, but we weren’t together,” Jackson said.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything by it.”
“It’s not a problem at all. Really. I’m glad you think we make a good couple because that’s what I’m hoping for,” Jackson said proudly.
Taylor’s face heated even further. Even the tips of his ears were warm. It all seemed to be happening so fast. Everything he’d hoped for, thought he could never have, was right there in front of him, and he was completely overwhelmed.
Elaine smiled wide at Taylor’s reaction. She reached over and patted him on the shoulder, giving him a warm smile, like she was letting him know everything was okay. She took their orders and hustled off to the kitchen.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” Jackson smiled.
“No, you didn’t. I’m just a little overwhelmed. You have to admit this was all pretty surprising. It was a good surprise, though. Go ahead with your story.”
“Right. So, I was only at that school for three months, and it was the first one I was really glad to get out of,” Jackson stated somewhat harshly.
Taylor assumed something bad had happened, but wasn’t sure he should press the issue. He waited for Jackson to continue.
“About a month before I left there, this guy, Alex, kept bugging me. He was seventeen, I was only fourteen. He kept telling me he loved me. He’d touch me when we were alone. Nothing sexual, just putting his hand on my back or arm. It was… nice. I started to appreciate it. I really started to feel he cared about me.” Jackson laughed bitterly. “He didn’t.”
Taylor could see the tears welling up in Jackson’s eyes. He moved closer in the booth and put his hand on his friend’s knee. Jackson looked over and gave Taylor a weak smile.
“It was all about him making me admit I was gay. Once he did he spread it all over the school. The area we were in? Yeah, it didn’t go over so well. I thought I had seen the worst in people, but I was totally unprepared for this. They threw things at me, they spit on me, and they defaced my locker. One guy, while we were in the gym showers, tried to piss on me.” Jackson grimaced. “But I never lashed out. Not once. I had never been in a fight, and I really didn’t ever want to be. I was just grateful when my dad’s assignment ended, and we moved again.”
Elaine brought their food, ending their conversation, and they ate silently. Taylor figured Jackson was grateful for the break. His story was hard enough to hear, but to have to tell it? Taylor didn’t think he’d be able to make it through anything like that. What he’d had to go through would have been unbearable without Benny in his life. Jackson had no one.
Taylor fumbled with his napkin for a minute. “I have to tell you, Jackson, everything you went through? I don’t think I could have done it. You’ve gotten so confident, and I really admire that.”
“When I was fifteen, we went to Chicago. That was the game changer for me. I was the new kid, but it was a big school, and there were a lot of other new kids too. In gym I found I was good at baseball. I also found out there were other gay kids there. I got to be… not friends, really, more like acquaintances, but I could talk with them, learn from them.”
Jackson’s eyes met Taylor’s, and he smiled.
“It was like the whole world opened up for me. In the nine months I was there, my whole attitude changed. I found I really wanted to be a part of something, you know? Something big. Something lasting. I wanted to be there for other people, like I wanted someone to be there for me. I learned everything I could about what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to be,” he said, smiling proudly.
It only lasted a few moments before the smile faded.
“When Dad told me we were moving again, I was devastated. I thought I’d finally gotten a handle on things, but then we came here. This time, though, Dad told me we would be staying. He’d gotten a job helping a firm downtown revamp their entire computer network, and it would take a couple of years to complete the whole thing. That meant we’d be staying until I graduated. I was overwhelmed. I realized I could finally be a part of something, make something of myself, and find a way to help other people.”
Jackson shook his head.
“The first time I walked into Mrs. Wagner’s homeroom, I had to stop outside the door and tell myself it should be easier now, as many times as I’d done it, but it really wasn’t. When Mrs. Wagner connected me with Becca, I felt like it was a whole new beginning. Then I joined the baseball team, and that’s where I got to see you. I couldn’t figure out what you were doing there. You seemed so out of place. Then I’d see you at every practice and every game, always standing in the same spot, watching and cheering for us. It got to the point where I expected, I needed to see you there, and things just didn’t seem to go right if you weren’t.”
“I used to go there to watch you. When you first walked into class, the first thought I had was that I needed to sketch you, so I wouldn’t forget the look on your face. You were nervous, but you just seemed so determined. I admired that and was drawn to it. I wanted to be there for you.”
Jackson picked up a french fry and swirled it in ketchup for a moment before he looked back up at Taylor.
“When we had the tournament in Beloit, I was all kinds of messed up because there seemed to be something missing. When you showed up, I felt calm and relieved, like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Everything clicked into place again. I used to step out onto the field and look at the crowd just so I could see you. I used to wave at everyone, but it was meant for you, to let you know that I saw you and that it calmed me. I really wanted to talk with you and ask why you kept showing up if you… well, if you hated me, but I was terrified that if I said anything you’d just”—Jackson made a gesture with his hands—“disappear, poof, and nothing would ever be right again.”
Taylor wiped his sleeve across his eye and smiled at Jackson. “I think that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard,” he said quietly.
“It’s true. In fact, when things were going well for the team and all the stuff with the council, I started realizing that maybe I could finally have someone in my life and I wouldn’t lose them too. When I found out that you cared for me, I found myself wishing it would be you. At least, I hope I won’t lose you.” Jackson looked at Taylor, longing and sadness in his eyes.
“Thank you for trusting me, Jackson. I want you to know… this means so much to me, being here with you. It’s something I’ve dreamed about. And you need to know I will always be here for you. I’ll never let you be alone again.”
Taylor put his right hand on Jackson’s sleeve and peered into his eyes.
Jackson reached out and put his hand on Taylor’s neck, drawing him in for a kiss. It was completely different than when Kevin had kissed him. It was sweet, warm, and done with emotion, not just a driving need to take possession.
“I was right,” Elaine sighed. “You do make the most adorable couple.”
Jackson looked up and laughed with Elaine.
“Can I get you guys any dessert?” she asked.
“None for me, thanks,” Taylor said.
“I’m almost all done in too,” Jackson answered. “I’m just gonna pick at this for a bit.”
She laid the check on the table, wished them a good night, and left. Jackson looked down, his fingers fidgeting against the table, his lip curled downward.
“There’s one more thing, Taylor,” he said quietly. “This isn’t something I’m proud of, and I hope it’s something you can forgive.”
Taylor watched him quietly. He could see Jackson was struggling with what he wanted to say.
“Whatever it is, Jackson, I’m sure it’s going to be okay.”
Jackson took a deep breath, appearing to center himself before he spoke again.
“After what happened to you… well, Kevin told Cody you had been responsible for it. Mitch told some of the guys on the team, me included. I didn’t believe it was true. I never did. I went to see you while you were in the hospital. You were really out of it. I sat by your bed and held your hand. I made a promise to you I would take care of it. Then I hugged you and left. I’m not sure why I did it. Since I figured you hated me, it would have been easier to just let it go, but I didn’t hate you, and I really wanted to protect you. I asked Mitch about Kevin and went to see him.”
Taylor began breathing heavily. He knew where this was going, and he didn’t like it, not at all.
“When I got to Kevin’s house, he invited me in. We talked for a bit, and then he asked me to come up to his room. When we got there, he got grabby. When I told him I wasn’t interested, he said, ‘You’re a fucking tease, just as bad as Taylor.’ I snapped, and I demanded to know why he lied about what had happened. He laughed and said you were a slut, and you had wanted it, but then you became a cockteaser, and that pissed him off. I told him he was going to tell the truth about what happened and make it right. He swung at me, and I… I swung back,” Jackson confessed.
Taylor could see the pain on Jackson’s face. His eyes were shiny, and he swallowed hard before he continued.
“I’d never been in a fight, Taylor. This wasn’t really a fight anyway. He went down with one hit, but I didn’t stop. I hit him in the face over and over again, until he begged me to stop. My hands were bruised. When I realized what I did, oh God, I was so ashamed. But he had hurt you, and I needed to hurt him back.” Jackson looked down at his hands, fingers twisting nervously. “I broke his nose, Taylor. I broke it and I didn’t care. I grabbed him by the shirt collar and told him he would fix it, or I’d report him for sexual assault. I left him lying on the floor, blood pouring out of his nose. I’m so sorry.”
Taylor’s face grew warm. His eyes widened. “You did that for me?”
“Yeah,” Jackson replied sheepishly. “And I’d do it again, because you meant more to me than even I realized until that moment. I was grateful you weren’t in school for the week, because my hands were bruised and hurting. Becca wanted to know what happened. I just told her I’d had an accident and everything was okay. I know it didn’t fix anything, and you were still outed, but it was all I could do—”
Taylor gave a small smile. “Actually, I think you helped a lot. What you accomplished with the student council? I think it helped with the attitudes at school. I thought it was going to be a lot worse than it was, and I’m pretty sure that was due to you.”
Jackson’s face broke into the cutest goofy grin. Taylor, however, couldn’t return the happy look.
“Jackson, while I’m touched that you did that for me… you could have made it worse. They could have filed charges against you. You could have gotten arrested.”
Jackson looked chastised. “I know. I lost my cool, and that never happened before. I wish to hell it hadn’t happened now, but I can’t undo it. I’ll understand if you want not to see me. I don’t want that, but I could understand it.”
“No, Jackson. Never that. I don’t like that you did it, but I know you did it for me. That makes me feel… safe. The only other person in my life who makes me feel like that is Benny.”
“So now you know my history. What about yours? What is there to know about Taylor Andrews?”
Taylor took a deep breath. “Where to begin? I’ve lived in Milwaukee my whole life. My mom works as a front desk clerk at the Pfister, a hotel downtown. My dad’s a web designer. You already know Benny is my best friend.”
While he spoke Taylor doodled nervously on the back of the placemat, doing a picture of his friends and family. He noticed Jackson watching his hands as they worked.
“You’re amazingly good,” Jackson said quietly. “I like seeing your face when you draw. I can see you focusing on what you’re doing, even if your mind is somewhere else.” He paused. “So continue your story.”
Taylor smiled. He liked the fact Jackson appreciated his work. “Benny was the first person I came out to. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’d known for a while, but every time I saw him, all kinds of things went through my head. I was worried he’d take it badly, maybe be angry with me. Most of all I was really afraid I’d lose him as my best friend. We were in my bedroom one day, and I kept trying to figure out a way to bring it up. Benny wasn’t even looking at me. I can’t remember what he was doing. I think he was reading, but he asked me, ‘What’s going on in your head? You’ve got your thinking face on.’ It was the first time he’d ever mentioned it. I couldn’t figure out what to say to him. I was embarrassed.”
Taylor paused for a moment, took a sip of water, and then continued.
“It took a few minutes before I finally just blurted it out and told him I was gay. He looked at me like I’d grown another head or something.”
Jackson laughed. “What did he say?”
“He looked at me very seriously for a minute before shrugging his shoulders and saying, ‘Yeah? So?’”
“That’s it?” Jackson snickered. “All that buildup and that’s all you got? That was kind of disappointing.”
“I know. By the time I finished telling him, I had tears in my eyes, I was so nervous, and he just made it all better with those two simple words.”
“I can see why you like him. He seems like a really cool guy.”
“He is, but don’t tell him that. He already has a swelled head,” Taylor said jokingly.
“Do you think maybe you could introduce us one day? I’d really like to meet him.”
“I’d be happy to. I know he’d like that,” Taylor said.
“I’d really like for he and I to be friends. I want to be with you, Taylor. I want to know everything I can about you. I want to learn what makes you smile and be there to see it happen,” Jackson stated matter-of-factly.
“I’d like that too. Thank you for letting me in, Jackson. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more comfortable with anyone other than Benny before.”
“Taylor, I really do care about you. I have for the longest time. Seeing you became the focal point of my day. As long as I knew you were there, everything was going to be okay. It would always frustrate me when I tried to talk to you, and you would turn away. I understand why now, but when it happened, it really hurt a lot,” Jackson told him, the anguish registering in his voice.
Taylor gave a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, Becca really did a number on both of us, didn’t she?”
Nodding, Jackson ate the last bite of his sandwich. “I’m really sorry about her, Taylor. I wish I hadn’t trusted her. I told her how I felt about you, and she played me big time. She told me she’d feel you out, see if you felt the same way. She told me you didn’t, and then gave me nothing but lies.”
He paused briefly. Taylor knew the question he wanted to ask above all others. He knew if he didn’t ask now he might never do it.
“Jackson, I have to know… why were you at my house? I got a version from Becca when she told me that you came to my house to tell me you were disgusted by me and didn’t want anything to do with me, which killed me by the way, but I’m sure it was just another one of her lies.”
Jackson grinned. “I came over to talk to you. I saw you at the tournament. We were losing, and after you got there, I was able to focus again. I… I came to your house to say thanks. To tell you what you did for me. I mean, she told me you didn’t want me, but I still felt like I needed to talk to you myself. I wish I had. We could have saved ourselves a lot of problems.”
“Well, maybe next time we’ll know better, huh?” Taylor asked pensively.
“Next time? I have you now, Taylor Andrews, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give you up for anything,” Jackson declared, a sly smile on his face.
“Mr. Kern, I’m going to hold you to that,” Taylor replied with an equally cheeky grin. “Let’s get out of here.”
They paid the bill, Jackson leaving Elaine a very hefty tip, and got back into the truck. Taking Taylor’s hand in his, Jackson pulled it to his chest.
“Thank you, Taylor. Thanks for talking with me. I feel a lot better knowing you’re there with me. It’s the first time in my life I have a special someone to share things with, and it’s really great.”
“I’m really glad too,” Taylor said with a smile. But even knowing they were finally together, he was nervous. They would still have to contend with Becca, and who knew what she’d do?