Manifesting Your Munchkin
Why where you’re putting your energy matters
This is perhaps the most important part of the book. We’re going to be talking about the Law of Attraction as it applies to fertility, the idea that where you’re putting your energy matters. This is where the common pitfalls can show up.
Many of us have heard about the Law of Attraction through the movie or book The Secret. We think that all of a sudden we can wield this “secret” to instantaneously realize our dreams. We learn how to hunker down, think positive, focus on what we want (or so we think), and yet, we still don’t have a baby. So we try harder, read more books, focus more … and the baby still isn’t coming.
There are a lot more nuances to this Law of Attraction than we realize. My clients who are smart, driven women think they’re taking the right steps and think they’re being positive. But the truth is that most of them aren’t (and they have zero clue). So it’s vital to understand what’s really happening so you can take charge and effect a powerful shift.
Unfortunately, what most of us get from preliminary Law of Attraction exposure is that if we focus really, really hard and we really, really want it, the Universe will deliver a baby (or a car or a million dollars, etc.).
Here’s the problem:
The Law of Attraction means that like energy attracts like energy. Essentially, whatever energy you’re putting out, the Universe answers by handing you a situation that’s an energetic match. What we focus on we get more of.
One of the biggest pitfalls with the Law of Attraction is attachment, which we started to talk about in the belief work in chapter 2. When we first start working with the Law of Attraction, we’re taught that what we think about we bring about. So we believe that if we think about nothing else 24/7, a baby will materialize. This is when we’re really focused on what we want, almost to the point of obsession.
Here’s why that’s not helpful:
Like energy attracts like energy, right? So if you’re putting out “I need to be pregnant, I have to be a mother, I’ll make myself pregnant,” the Universe is hearing the lack. “Need” means you don’t have. “Have to” means you need it and are forcing it. I’ll “make it happen” means it hasn’t happened yet and something is wrong, and also that you don’t trust the Universe because you are taking “control.”
So while we think we’re being positive, we’re really mired in the desperate, needing, forcing energy that’s just attracting more of the same.
A good way to know if you’re attached to something is if you put conditions on your energy. If it’s conditional, you’re attached. If you say, “I’m being positive so I can have the baby,” or “I’ll let my guard down with my mother if she’ll let hers down with me,” or “I’m putting my energy into feeling like I’m pregnant, so I better not get my period,” you’re attached.
We want to feel these positive things because they feel good and (via the Law of Attraction) can bring more good. We know we haven’t truly put all of our energy into it when there’s a condition attached.
Whatever is happening in our life, we’ve attracted it—positive or negative. We choose it not consciously but energetically. That’s a tough pill to swallow for a lot people, myself included when I started this work. I cried, “What do you mean I’m attracting debt into my life? Of course I don’t want it!”
But that was the problem. I was so focused on the fact that I was in debt and scared because I didn’t have enough money (which was a belief, and that belief work we talked about in chapter 2 helped me) that I couldn’t help but attract more of “being in debt.” The cycle continued until I started choosing thoughts that felt good to me, such as “I do have enough money for ________. I make enough money to enjoy life (versus survive it). I am supported by the Universe.”
So we need to focus on what we do want versus what we don’t want. As humans, we tend to focus on the problem, not the solution, and that keeps our wheels spinning. It’s like a broken record: “I’m never going to get pregnant, I’m never going to get pregnant, I’m never going to get pregnant.” That message will keep repeating until you lift the arm of the record player and put it on a different track. There has to be a conscious choice to change the track.
You may say, “Well, if I could change it, I would.” Know that’s a belief. That’s your brain kicking in wanting to be right. The future isn’t set and neither is the present, which is so awesome !
It can be overwhelming to know that we have a responsibility for what happens in our life, but I want to get you excited about the fact that you’re responsible. Because that means if your life isn’t going how you want, you get to change it—and that’s so empowering. It takes us out of the victim place (this happened to me) and puts us in the empowered place (this happened for me).
Remember from our belief work in chapter 2 that everything that’s happening in our life should be happening because it is happening. Whether “good” or “bad,” it’s happening because there’s something we’re supposed to learn from it. That lesson will keep coming up throughout your life until you address it. Patterns like money issues, dating the wrong type of guy, dead-end careers, multiple miscarriages, and not being able to get pregnant are not permanent issues. It feels like it because they keep coming up, but they keep coming up because we haven’t dealt with the energetic pattern. When that is addressed, you won’t be an energetic match to the pattern anymore and it won’t ever show up in your life again.
So when you notice things in your life that you’d like to be different, can you approach it from an exploratory place of “Huh. This is not what I want in my life right now, but it’s happening because it’s supposed to show me something to work on. What could that be? What changes can I make, who can I forgive, what beliefs no longer serve me?”
Your life won’t change because you say you want it to. It will change when you consciously direct your energy toward what you want versus what you don’t want. You already know what you don’t want. No need to spend more wheel-spinning time there.
Look at your list of external factors from chapter 1. I bet you could make some tweaks there. Read the belief material in chapter 2 again. It’s therapy on crack when you dig enough, and I would venture to say that it’s the most important piece in my work with clients.
This process is what I call ERA: Excavation, Realization, Action. We need to excavate from your subconscious those things that are holding back the baby’s arrival. We need to bring your awareness to the issue and realize that these are thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. Then you can take action to move through them, whether through daily meditation, grounding, belief sheets, making a list of what you’re most looking forward to when you’re pregnant (that you look at every day), making space in your dwelling (and your schedule) for this baby, etc.
It’s hard when the thing you want most feels out of your grasp and you really want to reach it. The more you reach for it, the more it runs away, so you reach more and it runs even further away. So instead of hunting it, set out some bait (in a non-manipulative way, of course) and lure it to you. That way you’re not wasting any energy going after it.
Hunting it says: “I need you to survive and if I don’t have you I’m gonna die [which is honestly how it can feel to your brain]. If I can’t be a mother, I’m gonna die.”
Putting out the bait says: “I’m giving you what you want, and you can give me what I want. I invite you in when you’re ready. In the meantime I’m aligning myself with thoughts and things that fill me up, light me up,” and so on. It’s being in a state of allowing.
Think about those two different energies for a second:
Hunting: “I need this baby to come. If I can’t be a mother, my life is pointless. I need you, baby. Where are you? Why won’t you come?”
Allowing: “I invite the next step. I’m making this warm, cozy place for you to hang out in. I’m being good to my body and releasing beliefs that no longer serve me. I’m making space for you, and I’m so looking forward to meeting you. I’m excited for the moment the midwife hands you to me and I look in your eyes for the first time. I’m ready, baby, and I invite you in when you’re ready.”
It takes a lot of energy to be in the “hunting” energy. It’s exhausting just saying those words and feeling that energy for a few seconds, let alone residing in that place most of the time. I immediately felt relaxation and excitement with the second one, and it tapped into my knowing that I am capable of what women before me and around me are capable of.
Allowing feels much easier energy-wise. We’re taught that life is hard, and when we’ve experienced difficulty getting pregnant, we think it’s an uphill battle. Many of us are taught that the harder we work for something, the more worthwhile it is. But according to the Law of Attraction, it’s closer to “The harder you try … the harder you try.” Like energy attracts like energy, so if we’re putting out the energy that pregnancy is an uphill battle that might not succeed, then the Universe hears, “Cue Mount Everest and an avalanche!”
So how do we get unattached? First, know that if you’re attached, you’re not in your intuition; you’re in your brain. Your intuition knows everything is, and will be, fine. Your brain, however, is freaked out and thinks the apocalypse is near. Remember, the brain needs to keep you alive, and when you want to go down an unfamiliar path, the flight-or-flight response is triggered because your brain isn’t entirely sure it will survive.
The next thing you want to do is get into a grounding routine. As I said in chapter 2, most of us are driving our body around from our head. So we want to do things that get us back in our body, such as the following:
These are all ways to get you more plugged into your intuition. Also take an inventory of what you believe about getting pregnant. Look again at the list in chapter 2 of the ten most common beliefs women struggling with fertility are plugged into, and see if they resonate. Then run them through a belief sheet. As a reminder, we want to get down and dirty, petty and scared, and feel the emotions that come up so that at the turnarounds we can let go of them. Do you feel like you’re running out of time? Do you fear that you’ll have another miscarriage because you’ve had one before? Do you feel you should have been pregnant by now?
Nip these beliefs in the bud, because they will permeate the rest of your journey until they’re addressed. Once the attachment is gone, we’re no longer pulling in that desperate energy because we’re trusting that everything is happening the way it’s supposed to be happening. We start pulling in a calmer energy and we’re able to take action and move forward from where we are rather than wishing the situation were different from what it is. We can wish it were different all day long, but the fact is, it’s not. See if you can explore why and then take steps to move forward from a neutral position.
Start from “This is where I am right now. It’s not where I want to be, but it’s what is right now. What are some ways I can move forward?” That takes much less energy than “I should be pregnant by now, I should be pregnant by now.”
When you notice yourself getting frustrated with this process, take a step back and find where you’re investing your energy. Are you putting it toward what you don’t want (the problem) or what you do want (the solution)?
Hint: If it’s stressing you out, it’s the problem. Let’s find a way to reframe it in a positive light so we can begin pulling the positive-solution energy toward us, thereby changing our current circumstances to what we want.
Here are two examples of things that need reframing:
We’re trying to get pregnant. Remember, like energy attracts like energy, so trying brings more trying or more “not quite” there energy. Reframe it to something like “We’ve started the process of expanding our family” or “We are making space for a new addition.”
The week of my period. When you refer to the first three weeks of the month as trying and the last as the week of your period, where is the room for the baby? “The week of my period” says to the Universe that you’re expecting your period. Many of my clients’ energy totally shifts to fear that week because they are deathly afraid they’re going to get their period, and when you’re looking for your period to show up, the Universe has to answer with like energy and bring it to you. Let’s reframe period week as testing week: “This will be the week where I get to test!” Make the wallpaper on your phone a picture of a positive pregnancy test. Every time you see it, imagine how awesome it’s going to feel when you see that positive sign. How will you tell your husband/partner? Even when you consciously stop noticing the picture, subconsciously you’re still thinking, “Yeah, it is going to be awesome when that happens.”
Another pitfall with the Law of Attraction is that the experts say to phrase it “as if it has already happened.” In a lot of cases that can work, but in the case of fertility it’s hard for a lot of people to say “I’m pregnant” when they’re not, or “I have a baby” when they don’t. It kind of feels like “F*** you, I don’t, and this isn’t helping!” Feeling this frustration makes it easy to disconnect from the idea of manifesting at all because our brain just isn’t having it. It’s too big of an energetic gap to go from a hard fertility journey to being pregnant.
My clients find it helpful to say, “It’s going to be awesome when ____.”
You’ve had awesome things happen to you in the past (I would hope!). You know what excitement and goose bumps feel like. You know how much you’re looking forward to seeing that heartbeat on the sonogram or registering for baby gifts or hearing that first cry.
That’s something you can plug into on a feeling level, and that’s the key to all of this. You can think stuff all day long, and it won’t happen. It’s when you feel it that things begin to shift on a cellular level. And we can’t be in attachment when we’re feeling these positive things. Energetically you can’t be in excitement and hopelessness at the same time.
One of my clients wrote her baby a song, which helped her get out of her head and into her body, where she could tune in to the energy of her baby coming. She also made a list of everything she was looking forward to, down to the most inane thing, and hung it everywhere (like the picture of the positive pregnancy test I mentioned). Your brain is continually seeing “It’s gonna be awesome when ____,” and the Universe goes, “Yeah, it is gonna be awesome. Here’s some awesome.” That list, when you really feel into each item (eyes closed, hand on your heart, dropping into your body), not only helps you be clear to the Universe about what you want, it also puts out the energy you’re actually wanting back.
So often on this journey we become so focused on what’s going wrong. We’re frustrated with our bodies, we’re annoyed with people who keep asking when we’re having kids, and we’re constantly trying to push down the dread, desperation, and “need” that we might not be able to be a mom.
The problem with that is that from a Law of Attraction perspective, like energy attracts like energy. The Universe doesn’t respond to what you’re saying, it responds to the energy you’re putting out. You can say “I really, really, really want to be a mom. I’m going to make it happen.” But if the energy underneath is “Oh god, what if it doesn’t happen? I’m so scared it’s not going to happen,” then that’s the energy you’re being met with.
It’s not our fault. It’s how we’re taught to think. We focus on the problem, not the solution, and most of us are not aware of where we are placing our thoughts and energy. But if you want things to shift, you have to start becoming aware.
You want to bring the focus to what you’re excited about in this journey. Being excited brings things to be excited about. So write things that, when they happen, you will be overjoyed at. Notice I said when, not if. You must get in the mindset that this is going to happen—that you’re expecting it.
Once you’ve written down all of these things, take each one individually and close your eyes, with a hand on your heart. Take a deep breath and say the first thing three times. Feel what happens in your body—notice what happens when you really let yourself get absorbed in a thought such as when I walk back into the bathroom and see the positive sign on the pregnancy test. What do you notice? Chills? Can’t stop smiling? Can’t stop crying? Feel it all. That’s when things begin to change on a cellular level.
For things to really start changing, you must align with what you want versus what you don’t want. Many of my clients are afraid to do this exercise because they feel like they’ll be more disappointed or that it will hurt more if it doesn’t work out. There are a lot of nuances to this manifesting/positivity thing. You can’t “hope” it’s going to work. Hope says “I really want it, but I’m really scared it won’t work.” That’s when the disappointment sets in—because your energy is split. On-the-fence energy brings on-the-fence results. So we must work on being brave enough to be open and allow ourselves to feel joy and excitement around pregnancy, because the Law of Attraction is a faithful friend: if you put out joy and excitement, that’s what you will get back. So let’s dive in.
Make a list of twenty items starting with “It’s going to be awesome when ____.” (You’ll find the It’s Going to Be Awesome When worksheet in the Conceivable Tool Kit.)
Our ninety-miles-an-hour brains want to think everything. Take time daily to sit with that list and feel into the awesomeness of it without being scared that it won’t happen. The coolest thing about the Law of Attraction is that when you commit your energy to cracking open and receiving, you can’t not get what you want. It’s that tricky sliver of scared, stuck energy hanging back that keeps us in the same place. A part of you says, “I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket, because then I won’t be as disappointed.” But that’s actually the problem. That sliver of energy that’s hanging back out of self-preservation is the thing that’s actually holding you back. It’s the thing that causes the tentative, mediocre results. When you are energetically on the fence about something, you don’t get real results—certainly not the ones that you want. We actually want to say to the Universe, “Here’s my basket of eggs! I’m all in and I’m excited about it!”
Think of it as deciding to change lanes. If you’re driving in the right lane and you keep running into things you don’t like, you’re going to keep running into them unless you decide to put your turn signal on and move into the left lane. When you do, you’re not aligned with the cars in the right lane anymore. If you’re aligned with what you want, then what you don’t want can’t vibrate in the same space.
You can’t hope it’ll happen. Hope means we’re leaving it up to the thing in the sky, or that there’s something out there that decides whether or not we can have our dream. Remember that you are co-creating your life, whether you realize it or not. You have orchestrated every experience that comes into your life, so choose what you want.
Those of you who’ve read Esther Hicks’s books might know about the three steps to creation: ask, believe, receive. Ask the Universe for what you want. Believe it can happen. Receive it.
It’s not our job to know how it’s going to happen or when it’s going to happen. That’s the Universe’s job. Our job is to focus on the what, to trust and feel into what we would love. Giving up that degree of control is great because it takes so much pressure off us not to have to figure out the details.
I want to share with you a couple examples of my clients putting the Law of Attraction into practice.
My client Gemma had two miscarriages and was convinced she’d have another one. We did a lot of belief work and energy work around that, and she did get pregnant! But around week seven, she started spotting and understandably freaked out. This was the time when the other miscarriages had started. She couldn’t help but think it was happening again, and it was very likely, so we had to turn her energy around fast. I asked her, “If you couldn’t think the thought that it was happening again, what would you think about instead?
She answered, “Spotting is normal in the first trimester.” She took a deep breath and felt into that. She felt it in her bones that it was normal and everything was fine. She got herself into her body, where she could access her intuition, and out of her head, where her brain was having a field day convincing her that she was about to have another miscarriage. At that moment she took the reins and changed what she didn’t want into what she did want. She reminded herself of her victories and how much she deserved this. She stopped that miscarriage from happening and gave birth in January. She believed it, and that’s the key. If she’d stayed in the fear, she very likely would have lost the baby. She took control of her power and did it—and you can too.
My client Jenny was having a hard time getting pregnant. She had tried nutritional counseling, acupuncture, and fertility treatments, but nothing was working. Her main beliefs were “It should have happened by now” and “It’s not going to happen.” We realized that she was so overwhelmed between moving, her and her husband starting new jobs, and this pervasive anxiety that it might not happen that she was in kind of an energetic holding pattern. After working through some of these beliefs, she really focused on the reasons why she would be pregnant and also got to the point where she stepped back from the fear and said, “I’m choosing the baby over the fear.” Her anxiety was almost debilitating, but she was so ready to be done with being ruled by fear that she was able to gather her energy and direct it toward the baby. Now she’s no longer dealing with debilitating levels of anxiety, and with all the energy she gathered, she gave birth to twins!
So just know that these women are no different from you in terms of their capability to manifest. You can change any physical condition by changing your thought patterns.
Besides getting pregnant, my clients have done the following:
You can choose the pregnancy over the fear. Acknowledging and embracing that you have a choice is key. That can be hard to hear because you already feel like you’ve been choosing. But it’s been coming from a place of lack and desperation. Armed with the knowledge of how to shift your energy, challenge yourself to commit your energy to what you’d love instead of what you’re afraid you’ll never have. It makes all the difference. You’re the only one who can do that for yourself. But that’s the awesome thing: You. Can. Shift. This. You can decide to lift the arm of the record player and put it on a new track.
Where you’re putting your energy matters, so lean toward what you want (deciding) versus what you don’t want (attachment). It can be tricky walking that fine line between choosing and attachment because they sound similar, but energetically they’re very different. Sometimes we can catch it and sometimes we need an outside eye to flag what we’re missing because we can’t see our own shit. This book is one part of the work I do, and I hope you’ve gotten some insights and tools to get you on your way to your little munchkin.