CHAPTER 14

THE DRESS

Jenna woke up early and made her way down to the kitchen. As usual, Mauricio was already up, beating egg whites when she arrived with her pink gift-wrapped box. Jenna had found a care package in her closet a few days before. Two boxes of Twinkies wrapped in bright pink paper. She knew it was Mauricio. Nobody had ever enjoyed a Twinkie more than Jenna. Their amazing creamy deliciousness overwhelmed her as she lay on the floor among the gowns and shoes eating them, being extra careful to hide the wrappers from Margot.

“Thank you for the Twinkies,” she whispered as she sat down at one of the bar stools lined up along the cold granite island. He passed her the fat free milk from the other side of the counter.

“I know nothing,” he said, smiling. “What’s with the box?”

“It’s for you, actually.”

“For me?” he asked as his eyes widened.

“Yes, just as a thank-you. I hope it doesn’t offend you.”

Jenna pushed the box across the island to him. It was wrapped in silver paper with a large pink bow.

“Thanks,” Mauricio said as he picked up the box. He picked the tape off of one side and tore off the paper. “I’m never offended.”

“Learn Italian with Rosetta Stone,” he read the box with a big smile. “That is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever given me.”

“No more Chef Boyardee,” Jenna said with a wink.

“No more Chef Boyardee,“ he smiled back. It made him happy inside to know that someone actually cared whether he was being authentic or not. He’d been faking that accent so long he’d forgot whom he actually was. Mauricio was genuinely touched. He gave her a hug over the counter.

“Thank you, Jenna. This is amazing,” he said.

“Oh whatever. I hope it works,” she smiled. “What are you making?

“Margot’s egg whites,” he glared. “She’s in a mood.”

“Strange. She is usually such a sweetheart,” Jenna grunted as she walked into the pantry to get her Lucky Charms.

Jenna knew something was up. She could hear Margot in the hallway talking about a dress. Her dress, she was sure.

“Sounds like I have a dress,” she said under her breath to Mauricio.

“How can you tell? She is so quiet and all,” he rolled his eyes.

“I can’t wait to see how horrendous it turns out to be. It’s probably eleven million dollars’ worth of crystal-encrusted something I can’t pronounce from a country that I’ve never heard of. And a thong.”

“Most likely,” he agreed.

Jenna laughed and took one quick and final bite of her cereal. She knew Margot did not approve of Lucky Charms. Margot clomped into the room with a large smile splashed across her face.

“Jenna, we have great news!” Margot announced as she came into the kitchen.

“What?” Jenna asked as she took her bowl to the sink, trying to hide the fact that she wasn’t eating lettuce.

“Susannah York has agreed to do the gown!” she shrieked.

“Really? That’s great!” Jenna replied. She had no idea who Susannah York was. She looked to Mauricio to see if he had any idea. He shrugged and looked down at his pan, trying to avoid eye contact with Margot.

“Great? It’s incredible. She doesn’t do just anyone. And she wants you photographed in three other dresses for her new couture collection. Then, we were thinking that the one you wear for the actual wedding will be a surprise. For your public, you know?”

“Like a raffle prize?” she joked.

“No, not at all. It’s an honor,” Margot replied snottily.

“I sort of thought that maybe I could design it. Or at least help. It has always…”

“Absolutely,” Margot interrupted. “You would design it with her. Pick the fabrics, the cut, maybe you could even sew it.”
“Really?” Jenna’s face lit up.

“No. You are not Betsy Ross. Plus, we are running out of time here. This is the wedding of the century and the dress isn’t even started. She is going to be here at 10:30. The dresses are already done, so if you can fit in one, great. But if not, then we have to piece something together and hope for the best. Sort of Guerrilla Couture, if you will,” Margot explained.

Mauricio handed Margot her bowl of egg whites and spinach.

“Super,” Jenna rolled her eyes.

“Meet me in the main hall at 10:25, and we will get started,” Margot yelled as she walked back out of the kitchen with her breakfast. “This is the biggest deal ever. I’m Twittering about it.”

“This should be fun,” Jenna took a deep breath and shrugged at Mauricio.

“She’s a twit, alright. I know it is none of my business,” he said quietly, leaning in closely toward her. “But you could just leave.”

“Leave?” she questioned. She couldn’t possibly just leave. She figured, at this point, she’d probably end up being burned at the stake if she tried to quit now.

“We could help you. Me. Jean. I’m sure Chadwick would help. You are too good for this. You should run for your life. You are not a faker like the rest of us.”

“Oh yes, I am. I’m just a whore trying to make a buck,” Jenna joked. Mauricio wasn’t buying it.

“Jenna, we’ve been through this. Many times. So many times that none of us even cares anymore. It’s like a movie. You see? We just play along. Pretending we like egg whites and that we speak Italian. They will just use you and then one day he will be done and on to the next. It doesn't matter how many movies you make or how many eggs they harvest. You are just another transaction. We’ve seen nothing like you. And you deserve a lot more than this,” he said. His voice trembled.

“Thank you for saying that,” Jenna said. Mauricio’s eyes were breaking her heart. She could sense that he was trying to tell her something more. To get as far away from John Hamilton and all of these people as possible. He gently patted her on the head and made his way to the pantry.

“I guess you can lead a horse to water…” he said.

“But you can’t make it give up its Lucky Charms,” she shouted back.

★

Right on time at 10:25, Jenna met Margot in the main hall. Susannah York was already there with two assistants and a rack of very bulky gowns in large white bags, waiting for her like a rack of body bags.

Susannah was a tiny woman. Incredibly thin and tan. Thin to the point where you could see her collar bones and her knee bones and her cheek bones. She looked like she was dying. Her tan was so deep that her skin looked like sandpaper stretched across a skeleton.

“Jenna, this is Susannah York,” Margot introduced them. Jenna smiled and put out her hand.

“We are so pleased to be working with you,” Susannah said, taking her hand. “We are such big fans.” Jenna felt the bony Crypt Keeper hand and pulled her own back. The texture of the woman’s old, lifeless skin creeped her out.

“She isn’t sample size,” Margot announced as she began unbagging one of the poufy white dresses. It unwound onto the floor, a pool of feathers and satin.

“Me either,” Susannah said as she pulled another bag from the rack. “That is why we have seamstresses and Photoshop, honey.”

“Thanks,” Jenna said under her breath. She smiled her best smile for Susannah, trying to make the best of the situation.

“These are my assistants. Keanu is my stylist and this is Juniper. She’s a fantastic seamstress,” Susannah said, introducing the two silent figures.

They worked quietly and meticulously, fitting and pinning her over the next three hours as Jenna tried on dress after dress.

She tried to balance herself on one leg as she dug through the latest fortress of feathers and tulle, trying to find the floor. The dresses were all so clunky and heavy. Like giant pieces of weird modern art.

“I could just die. Couldn’t you just die? That dress is murdering you,” Susannah shrieked. Jenna couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or not. She looked to Margot for guidance. She received none.

“It’s a bit long,” Juniper said as she surveyed the hemline.

“Jenna, what do you think?” Margot asked.

“Oh, um… I love it,” Jenna replied, but it came out more like a question. She actually hated it, but she was tired of trying on these gawd-awful dresses. Each one seemed uglier and heavier than the one before. “I think... It is kind of heavy.”

“It’s supposed to be heavy,” Susannah said as she adjusted the feathers on the sides. “It is carnivorous. Like a giant tarantula eating from the pure righteous snow on the highest slopes of the alps.”

Jenna tried not to laugh. She had no idea what that meant, but she was entirely sure that Susannah was a nutcase.

“Okay, out of this one. Try the beaded one,” Susannah said as she paced back and forth in front of Jenna. “This one might be trickier. Beads are really hard to pull off without looking like a flapper. Is the wedding flapper-themed? I designed this for a flapping wedding.”

Jenna was puzzled by the question. She had no idea what kind of theme her wedding was. Chadwick had been taking care of everything. Jenna looked at Margot in terror. “I don’t think it’s flapper themed… I don’t want to look like I crawled out of the Roaring 20s.”

Jenna looked in the mirror at the horrendous dress. It looked like something Tina Turner and Cher would have fought over during their Bob Mackie phases, circa 1975.

“No, it is classic. Lots of light colors and flowers,” Margot nodded.

“Oh thank God. I just can’t handle another Great Gatsby themed wedding. Sorry, I should have asked before we pulled dresses,” Susannah said as she helped Jenna out of the giant feathered frock.

The next dress was worse. Jenna could tell it didn’t fit before she even got to the mirror. She knew she should have worn Spanx. Perhaps the several pairs of Spanx and a girdle.

“I look like 60 pounds of shit in a five pound bag,” Jenna said as she turned to Susannah for guidance. “I can’t feel my middle.”

The beaded nude illusion gown was not for the faint of heart. It had over 10,000 beads and Swarovski crystals hand-sewn onto it in an intricate pattern designed to conceal your private parts. It was just as bad as it sounds.

“You do not. It is perfection!” Susannah argued. Jenna noticed that two large beaded flowers on the chest each covered a nipple.

“I agree, Jenna. It looks really good on you,” Margot said looking her up and down. “You’ve been doing really well on your diet. If you don’t eat anything between now and the wedding, the photos will totally make the cover of every magazine.”

“Because I’ll kill someone and go to jail. Again. I can’t go that long without eating.”

“Not funny, Jenna. We are trying to make this perfect,” Margot said as she dug through the pile of dresses. “And no more Lucky Charms. Those things are basically just floating carbs in milk.”

“This one is very special,” Susannah announced as Keanu dragged a large, refrigerator-size box across the floor.

“It comes with its own box?” Margot asked, confused.

“It needs a box to contain how fabulous it is. It needs several boxes. I call it Alcatraz. If this dress were a prisoner, it would be Martha Stewart. That is how important it is.”

Jenna laughed out loud. These bitches were crazy.

Her laughter lead to horror as Susannah opened the box. Miles and miles of tulle piled out onto the floor. She spied a bejeweled corset with crystal roses and butterflies along the sweetheart neckline. The empire waist was covered in enough sequins and crystals to give Bebe’s chandeliers a run for their money.

“Oh Jenna, this is it,” Margot cried as she stroked the gown.

“Oh yes,” Jenna begrudgingly smiled. “It’s something special, alright.”

“It is all custom embroidery,” Susannah remarked, as she pulled tried to find the bottom of the dress to help Jenna into it. Jenna stood there in her underwear feeling like a moron.

“Did you do the embroidery yourself?” Jenna asked as she tried to get one leg over the dress to step into it. She held onto Susannah and Margot as she stamped her bare foot, trying to find land.

“Oh no, some little girl in the Philippines does it for like $8 a square foot. But don’t you worry about that. That’s a lot of money in that part of the world,” Susannah announced proudly. “We pay them well.”

“Great,” Jenna rolled her eyes as she tried to hoist the weight of the bustier over her chest.

It was completely hideous and over-the-top. Jenna felt like a drag queen.

Margot burst into tears.

“It. Is. Perfection,” she yelled. “I don’t even know what else to say. I need to Twitter right now.”

“What do you think, Jenna?” Susannah asked, carefully circling the perimeter of the gown, examining every square inch.

“It’s great,” Jenna smiled. She hated it, but she was so tired of trying on dresses that she no longer cared. The dresses were increasingly ugly, so she might as well just go with the ugliest one and have some fun with it. “I mean, I’m in love with it! Just look at these precious crystal butterflies. I feel just like Cinderella!”

“Cinderella! I think we just named your dress! Jenderella! Jenderella Couture! I die!” Susannah shrieked.

Jenna tried not to vomit at the thought of having the hideous dress named after her. Jenderella.

“I love it! I can’t wait to show Chadwick. Margot, will you take a picture so I can show him?” Jenna gave her fakest smile.

“Fine,” Margot said in her annoyed voice. “Say Jenderella!”

Jenna smiled her bravest smile, hands on hips, collarbone out, “Jenderella!”