CHAPTER THREE

ZEUS’ BUTT

Perseus climbs up a towering mountain. Behind him are his four friends. Each carries a big bundle on their back.

“This is no fair,” Jason groans.

“Why do we have to carry Atlas’ underwear?” Theseus moans.

“Because this is my adventure,” Perseus says. “It is my job to lead. Not to carry giant skivvies.”

“But I’m carrying two pairs,” Hercules whines.

“That’s because you’re the mighty Hercules,” Odysseus jokes.

The heroes continue to climb up, up, and up. They crawl through rocky crevasses. They stumble over giant boulders. And they trudge through deep canyons.

When they reach the tallest mountain peak in the world, the heroes find Atlas. He squats and hunches over with his arms spread wide. On his back sits the most humongous heinie they have ever seen. It is Zeus’ behind that Atlas is holding up.

“We got your clean underwear for you,” Perseus says.

“You brought five pairs?” the Titan asks. “Great! That’s a year’s supply.”

“The witches said you’d tell us where Medusa lives if we brought them to you,” Perseus explains.

“First, I need you to change the pair I am wearing now,” the Titan says. “Could one of you hold up Zeus’ behind while I put on a clean pair?”

The friends all turn to Hercules. “Why me?” he asks.

“Because you’re the mighty Hercules,” Jason says.

“The strongest man alive,” Odysseus adds.

“Only you have the strength to do it!” Perseus says.

“OK, OK,” Hercules agrees.

He walks over to Atlas. The Titan lifts up Zeus’ behind and plops it down on Hercules’ shoulders.

“Oomph!” Hercules grunts. “Could I get some help here?”

Jason and Theseus go over to help Hercules with the humongous rump.

“Just so you know, Zeus had broccoli omelets for breakfast,” Atlas says. Then the giant grabs a pair of underwear and walks around a rock to change.

Suddenly, a loud PPPTTTHHHBBBBBBB! erupts from Zeus’ backside. A green cloud of gas surrounds Hercules. He begins to choke and gag.

“It smells like broccoli!” Perseus coughs.

“And a hint of cheese,” Odysseus adds.

Once Atlas has changed his underwear, he rejoins the heroes.

“Are you ready to take Hercules’ place?” Perseus asks.

“No,” the Titan says, shaking his head. “I’m tired of Zeus’ gas . . . especially after taco night!”

“The ruler of the gods sure does like his hot sauce,” Hercules grunts.

Meanwhile, the gas cloud surrounding Hercules and Jason grows thicker every time Zeus FFFRRRTTTS or TTTHHHPPPPS.

“I can’t breathe,” Hercules chokes.

“I can’t see,” Jason cries.

“OK, OK,” Perseus says to the Titan. “Just tells us where we can find Medusa.”

“You will find her that way, in the rotting forest,” the Titan says pointing into the distance.

Then the giant starts to walk away.

“But wait a second,” Perseus pleads. “Could you do us one favor?”

“What is it?” Atlas asks.

“We let you change your underwear,” Perseus begins. “Could you let Hercules change his before you leave?”

“Um . . . sure,” the Titan grunts. He walks over to Zeus’ behind and picks it up off of Hercules’ shoulder and puts it on his. “Just hurry up.”

“OK, everyone. Let’s get out of here,” Perseus says.

The heroes run off.

“Hey, you tricked me!” Atlas shouts.

But it is too late. The heroes are already climbing down the mountain.