My friend Liza likes to say, “The day before your life changes forever is just like any other day.”
On an otherwise unremarkable Thursday, we received a phone call. The next day, after five years of waiting, hoping, and praying, we became the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy in less than twenty-four hours. I am writing this little addendum to my book on my iPhone as our son naps in what used to be my office. He is still only a few weeks old, and I still haven’t fully processed the enormity of this blessing, but I already know that this is the most meant-to-be thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve never known this level of contentment before, and I could not be more grateful.
Our son arrived three weeks before my manuscript was supposed to be submitted to my editor. As you can imagine, I turned in my book incredibly late, and the fact that I turned it in at all is nothing short of a miracle. The combination of new-parent exhaustion and the demands of a newborn, which we prayed for but didn’t exactly plan for, is not the environment I expected to be finishing my book in, but here it is!
You are holding this book thanks to God and a lot of talented and generous helpers. I know acknowledgments usually begin with professional thanks, but family comes first in this house, and I have to start with my husband. Matt, you are the most important thing that’s ever happened to me. Your belief in me and my ability to do what I want, to go after the things I think I’m worthy of and meant to do, is a big part of what enabled this book. For years I talked about writing a book, and way before any agents came calling, you told me to get writing. Your love, encouragement, ability to challenge me, sense of humor, commitment to grieving alongside me, and, most recent, your dedication to fatherhood and your ability to handle the early mornings so I can sleep in are all invaluable. You are a gift, and I am so glad I get to spend this life loving you. Also, thank you for insisting we get a dog way before I was ready. Sadie is the world’s greatest dog and the best writing companion a girl could ask for.
To my son, Bennett, thank you for making me a mother, for showing me just how big my heart really is, and for inspiring me with your love. You are my joy. And to everyone who made our dream of parenthood a reality, thank you. You know who you are, and we wouldn’t be here without you. An extra special thank you to the amazing doulas, especially Amanda Watson, who helped us care for our son so I could sleep just enough to finish this book.
To my father, Sam, for showing me what “in sickness and in health” really means, for always having something ridiculous or hilarious to say, and for raising me to take what I want from life and have a good time doing it. To my sister, Heather, for being an example of resilience and courage in the face of adversity. Thank you both for giving me full license to tell my story, which inevitably included your story’s, as well. I know Mommy is proud of the family we’ve cobbled together in her absence. Bennett is so lucky to have you both.
To my godparents, Andrea and Timmy Sayles, my cousin Courtney Amal, my grandparents, Sam and Lossie Lee, who are my ever-present reminder to keep going, our crew in Wisconsin, and the rest of my big extended family, thank you. To Bennett’s honorary grandparents, the Honorable Marie Johns and Wendell Johns, thank you for nourishing us with your love and endless, delicious, meals.
To the friends who are indeed family. The women (and a few men) who’ve stood by me and shaped me and loved me through the hardest of times and the happiest moments. The crew who organized themselves when Bennett arrived and we truly didn’t even know what we needed. To the folks who have always made me feel loved in grief and in joy. The people who expect to be fed at my house, who look out for invitations to over-the-top birthday and holiday celebrations. The people who have helped me find my mother’s love and my love for myself. My high school crew: Allison Brownell Salzer, Lillian Lee Erhardt, and Subrina Jendrasiak. To my college roommates, who I will always refer to as roommates in the present tense: Naomi Ages, Alisha Moran, Gloriana Salgado, Bridget Marvinsmith, Seo Yun Yang, Adriana Cosgriff, Vivian Bertseka Lemmer, Liza Fitzpatrick, Falyne Chave, Elizabeth Cleary, and Danae Pauli. To Scott and Megan Quimby, Dan and Nicole Curran, Ari and Marissa Matusiak, and Dave and Tracie Wescott.
To the people who stood by me in my early grief when I was mostly at my worst: Liana Douillet Guzman, Katie McDonough, Katie Murphy Kornel, Kimmy Scotti Metzger, Jackie Scharnick, Alexa Lynch, Ben Andujar, Aaron Andujar, and, of course, my old boss Michael Velucci and his wife, Teresa Boyle Vellucci. Michael, I could not have survived without your patience, gentleness, and good humor. Thank you for all of the sushi, cocktails, laughs, and, most important, for pushing me out of New York and toward my new life in DC.
To my team. Wow. I could not have done this without a lot of professional help. First off, my editor, Krishan Trotman. Krishan, I wholeheartedly believe our mothers conspired to put us together. Your brilliance, gentleness, attention to detail, and commitment to patiently pushing me to clarify every single word and thoughtfully make each point in this book are what made this book great. I know I could not have done it without you. To the rest of the Hachette/Legacy Lit/Grand Central Publishing family, including but not limited to Amina Iro, Kathryn Gordon, and Abimael Ayala-Oquendo. I am so grateful for your hard work on this book. To my agent, Peter Steinberg, thank you for finding me and convincing me that I had a “big book” to write.
To my work “husband,” Chris Cormier Maggiano, I could not have created a more intelligent, thoughtful, hardworking, or detail-oriented professional partner. Thank you for carrying extra work, for buying me all the treats/sweets/bourbon I needed while writing, and for always supporting me in my grief. I am so indebted to you. And thank you Chase Cormier Maggiano for being an amazing friend and for sharing your husband with me. I love you both dearly.
Thuraya Masri, you truly showed up right on time. Thank you for lovingly reading every word of both versions of this manuscript and giving me honest feedback. You absolutely made this book better while simultaneously making the rest of my life easier. I couldn’t have done it without you.
To Gabi Birkner, for helping me find my voice and providing endless edits and moral support. To Dr. Christy Denckla, for providing essential research to ensure this book isn’t just about me but instead is grounded in the best bereavement data and information available. And to our mutual friend, Dr. Christopher Golden, for introducing us to each other.
To everyone who believed in this book and in my talent as a writer long before I did, but especially Alicia Menendez, Carlos Odio, Judee Ann Williams, Samantha Fuld, Michael Skolnik, Reshma Saujani, Joshua and Michelle Dubois, Anthony Hayes, Faith Cole, Jim Shelton, Willa Seldon, Willie and Christina Geist, Alex Elle, Jen Pastiloff, Elaine Welteroth, Mattie Kahn, Chloe Schama, Ella Riley-Adams, and Natasha Alford.
And I know this is a weird one, but if you know me well, you know I wrote most of this book while still managing complications from my underlying medical condition and my pregnancy loss. Thank you to the hardworking doctors, nurses, and, of course, therapists who helped me find solutions and ultimately the physical and mental health we all deserve: Emily Boland, Natalie Moore, Suchithra Nancherla, Lisa Cefalu, Matthew Churchill, and Lysa Phan. I am so grateful to each and every one of you.
To everyone who sent a kind word, care package, or thoughtful text, and to all the folks named in this book, thank you for inspiring and supporting me.
During this time, it feels imperative to say thank you to everyone who has worked hard to keep us safe during the COVID-19 pandemic. To every doctor, nurse, scientist, delivery person, and every other essential worker and their families, I am deeply grateful.
Lastly, to those who have lost loved ones this last year, to COVID or otherwise, this book is for you. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to endure death and grief in the midst of a global pandemic. I hope at a minimum my words serve to validate your pain and help you find your person’s love.
With gratitude, hope, and love,
Marisa