Eight

Nate didn’t say anything, which wasn’t the most encouraging response to Sonia’s thinking.

Wouldn’t he just decline if he didn’t want to come?

“Can you come back to New York this weekend?” she continued. Did he want her to beg? Not Nate. He wasn’t mean. He was just holding fast to his one-and-done rule. She had to make sure it sounded like another round, not a bigger commitment. “I’ll be sure there’s a great parking spot for the car. It won’t compromise your isolation because we were together last weekend and I haven’t left the apartment since.”

“It would be the second time, though.” His words were proof that she’d guessed the real reason for his hesitation.

“But just another benefit between friends,” she said, hoping he’d agree. “I want to do it with someone who sees all my truth and doesn’t turn away. I want to do it slow, really slow.” She swallowed, aware of the silence on the line. “It has to be you, Nate. I need to do this now and I don’t trust anyone else this much.”

Again there was a pause.

Sonia crossed her fingers and hoped.

Her tattoo, strangely enough, felt warm.

“Then you have to say it,” Nate said finally, his voice a little husky. “You have to tell me exactly what you want.”

“I did say it.”

“You said it,” he growled. “Spell it out, Sonia. Tell me exactly what you want.”

Okay. She could do that.

And in a way, being specific was helpful. It clarified what she was asking and left no room for doubt.

“I want to have sex with you, Nathan Buchanan, naked, in the light,” she said, her voice growing stronger with each sentence. “I want to make love with you, repeatedly. In a bed, on the counter, in the shower.” She found herself smiling as it became easier. “In a house with a mouse, in a box with a fox.”

“Leave the animals out of it,” he chided. “I don’t do that kind of kink.”

Sonia laughed then caught her breath. “I want you to go down on me and I want to go down on you.” It felt outrageous to say that aloud, but she was reclaiming it.

It also felt good.

Nate inhaled sharply. “You’re sure?” he asked with obvious suspicion.

“I’m sure because you’re right. Sex should be fun. It should be a celebration. It was so good last weekend—you showed me how great it could be and I want more. I want to reclaim all of it, Nate. I want to own it again. Will you come?”

“Probably several times,” he said and she laughed, because she knew she was supposed to.

“Seriously.”

“Seriously, Sonia.” His voice was warm, as if there’d never been any doubt. She heard the smile in his voice when he continued. “That’s what friends are for.”

Sonia understood. He was making an exception to his rule for her. It was a one-time offer. She’d be sure it was worth his while.

Excitement bubbled through her, her anticipation rising that she’d see him again. He’d kiss her again. They’d have awesome sex together again. She closed her eyes and thought about the way he kissed, how he made her knees melt, how he could move so slowly…

“We have to make sure your quarantine isn’t breached,” she said, forcing herself to think of practicalities.

“But we were together last weekend. We could consider ourselves a pod, if you haven’t interacted with anyone since.”

“I haven’t.”

“Okay,” Nate said. “Do you want to come here?”

“But I’d have to take public transit and that would compromise your quarantine.”

“I could pick you up.”

“That means hours of driving for you, here and back.” Sonia was firm. He was already doing enough for her. “No, you need to just come to my place again. Come Friday and stay over.”

“You’re really going to startle your neighbors.”

“Maybe they’ll get used to it.”

“You have to promise me that you’re not getting romantic ideas,” he warned.

“Absolutely,” she said immediately, wanting to reassure him.

Instead there was a moment of silence.

“It’s the end of a fling, not the start of a thing,” he cautioned.

“I’m in total agreement,” she agreed, just wanting to close the deal. “Nine?”

“Nine.” His voice was a low rumble of intent, one that made her shiver to her toes.

Sonia couldn’t keep the pleasure from her voice. “Thank you, Nate.”

When she ended the call, Sonia did a triumphant happy-dance around her apartment.

Nate was coming back on Friday.

And Sonia couldn’t wait to see him again.

She had to make sure that everything was perfect.

Going to Manhattan on a Friday night booty call with Sonia had to make the top five list of dumbest things Nate had ever done.

Yet turning back to Boston was out of the question.

Maybe he was self-destructive.

Definitely he was in love.

The key was to ensure Sonia never found out.

He’d been a goner from the start. The Sonia Effect should have warned him. Being conflicted wasn’t typical of Nate. He’d always been decisive—but he wasn’t when he was with Sonia. Being in love meant there was no way he could keep himself from agreeing to do anything she asked of him. She was his kryptonite. Sonia needed him so he’d do this. It was that simple. He’d give her what she wanted. He’d help her to heal.

But this time had to be the last time.

Forever.

Nate had a lot of time on the drive to New York to give himself advice and hope he could remember it. She’d make that sound, a couple of times with any luck. Even the memory of it was killing him. The point was helping her move past her history so that the handsome prince would have less work when he finally showed. And then Nate would drive away, his secret safe. They’d be friends without benefits then.

He’d probably never hear from her again.

All the more reason to dive right in and enjoy this last time.

But he had to make sure Sonia had no clue that he’d already fallen. Sharing the truth could only lead to pity sex.

Never again.

He had this.

Nate drove with verve, wanting to get there ASAP, and completely forgot to listen to his playlist, never mind sing alone. He pulled into a spot at the curb in front of her building at ten to nine. He idled the engine for a minute, reminded himself that this would be it, then got out of the car and headed for the brownstone. He’d brought flowers and wine, even though it might give her the wrong impression, because Sonia was elegant and Nate couldn’t bring himself to make it look crass.

It might be a booty call, but it was going to be a good one.

In fact, it was going to be one to fill his dreams and fuel his fantasies for the rest of his life. She didn’t need to know that. He slung a backpack over his shoulder with his necessities for the morning, and told himself he’d be headed north again by ten.

Twelve hours of paradise. Period.

Nate rang the buzzer and Sonia let him in right away.

He took the stairs three at a time, not caring what the nosy neighbor thought. He waved for those two shadows, then tapped on Sonia’s door.

He was nervous, which was crazy, but just like the first time, he expected it all to go wrong at the last minute.

Once again, he was surprised when it didn’t. Sonia opened the door and smiled, pleasure lighting her eyes, then stepped back to let him in. It was like a date. He was relieved that they were on the same wavelength. She was wearing the dress she’d worn to the wedding, with those high heels. Her hair was all swingy and looked pink, and she was wearing lipstick. She smelled like that floral perfume, the one that kicked him right in the gut. The fairy lights were on and there were dozens of candles lit. He had time to think that it looked romantic and cozy, welcoming, then Sonia locked the door and backed him into it.

“Hi,” she whispered, then brushed her lips across his, setting his very soul on fire. Nate groaned and locked his arm around her waist, lifting her closer, then kissed her the way he’d been imagining he would ever since she’d called. Sonia leaned into it sooner and more deeply than she had before, opening her mouth to him and slipping her fingers into his hair. He was reminded of a flower opening to the sunlight and his chest tightened at the change in her. She was uninhibited and that was new. He almost dropped the wine when she tangled her tongue with his, but she abruptly stepped back and lifted the bottle from his hand.

Her eyes were sparkling and very blue, her cheeks flushed and her lips a little bit swollen. She surveyed him with admiration and her smile turned mysterious. “Thanks for this.”

“The wine?”

“Tonight.” Her eyes glowed as he presented the sweetheart roses and she took a deep breath of their scent. They were a deep pink and kind of matched her hair. She looked different, so radiant with happiness that it took him a minute to realize that her hair was shorter, too.

“You cut it,” he said when she spun around to put the flowers in a vase. She almost danced across the apartment and he watched hungrily. There was music playing softly, something light and instrumental that went perfectly with the fairy lights. It also disguised any sounds from the other apartments.

“Not me. Lauren.” Sonia tossed her head and her hair shimmered in the light. “And she colored it.”

“Is it pink?” It was hard to be sure in the light.

“A little.” Her smile was mischievous and her eyes danced. “What do you think? I wanted to change it up for the podcast.”

“It looks great. You look great.”

“So do you.”

He was just wearing jeans and a rugby shirt, but Sonia’s dress made him wish he’d worn the suit.

“Are you hungry?” she asked and he shook his head. The last thing he cared about was food. She opened the wine, then poured two glasses, making him think she wasn’t quite as confident as he might have believed. She brought him one glass, and stood in front of him as they toasted each other.

Nate watched her sip, noticing how her lashes swept down to hide her thoughts, how her hand shook just a little. “Are you sure?” he asked.

“You’ve come all this way…”

Nate was resolute. “And I’ll leave if you aren’t sure.”

She gave him an intent look. “I’m sure.” She sipped the wine again, as if uncertain how to proceed.

Maybe talking about what she was trying to hide would help. “Are you going to tell me what the scars are from or should I guess?”

That surprised her. “Don’t you know?”

Nate shook his head, still mystified by them. “You had a part-time job with an incompetent magician?” he suggested, trying for a smile. Sonia shook her head, obviously puzzled. “And he blew the trick of sawing the lady in half. Twice. You really do find the dopes, don’t you?”

She laughed, surprised into it, then sat down hard on a stool, still smiling. “You come up with the craziest stuff.”

He wagged a finger at her. “But you’re smiling.”

She exhaled and nodded. “Yes. Thanks.” She took a breath, then turned her back to him. “Help me with the zipper?”

Nate put down the wine and did as she requested, sliding the zipper down. This time, she showed no hesitation, but flicked her shoulders so the dress spilled to the floor. She turned to face him, holding his gaze. She was wearing the creamy satin bra and panties again, but raised a hand to the front clasp of the bra. She unhooked it and slipped it off, baring her breasts to him, her gaze unswerving. Then she wriggled out of her panties, and tossed them aside.

She was so beautiful, strong and sleek. Her nipples were taut and rosy, but that wasn’t what she was showing him.

The two scars were well healed and pink, but they couldn’t be missed. It was shocking to see them fully.

“They cut on the bikini line so it’s easier to hide the scar,” she said as if it was perfectly obvious.

Cut?

“And again, so it will be under the bra strap.” She glanced up and obviously realized he was still mystified. “A surgeon removed my excess skin. I lost over two hundred pounds after I left home and came to New York. My skin had lost its elasticity so surgery was the only solution after I lost the weight.”

Nate couldn’t imagine there being that much more of Sonia, but knew from her expression that she was telling the truth.

“Over two hundred pounds,” he echoed, unable to envision it.

“Two hundred and thirty-seven,” she said with a smile. “You can believe I counted every single one.”

That was when Nate realized why she had those sweatpants.

They’d been hers.

“Ow,” he said in sympathy. He knew how much his injury had hurt and those scars went all the way around her body. Twice.

“Ow,” Sonia agreed. “I’ve never been in such pain in my life. I just have to remember that when I want to inhale a dozen donuts or a gallon of ice cream, and that’s all the deterrent I need.”

Nate didn’t know what had prompted her to compulsively eat but he could guess that it had a lot to do with her leaving home—and probably with that hesitation over going down on him. He had a very good idea what kind of abuse she’d suffered in her parents’ home but this wasn’t the moment to be angry about it.

It was the moment to console her, and to feed her confidence in her own beauty. She’d come so far, and Nate would help with the completion of her journey. She reached for her bra again, but he stopped her with a fingertip.

“Naked and in the light,” he reminded her softly.

“Not just me,” she said, wary and watchful, doubting that he’d agree. Nate thought it was only fair that they saw each other completely, since this would be their last night together. He peeled off his rugby shirt, locking gazes with her as he kicked off his jeans and shoes, stripping down in record time. He lifted a brow when his harness was revealed, giving her the choice.

“I want to feel your skin on mine,” she confessed in a hot whisper.

Nate unfastened the harness and set the Hook aside. His undershirt and briefs followed, and her gaze dropped predictably. He smiled. “You can see how much I dislike your scars,” he murmured and she smiled.

“It doesn’t look like they affect your opinion at all.” She was flirtatious again and he liked the sight of it.

Nate shook his head. “Not a bit.”

“Then you’d better come here and kiss me, please.” Her voice was sultry and her expression inviting.

Nate’s heart skipped a beat and took a step closer. She walked right into his embrace, chin up, eyes shining, then pulled his head down for a very satisfying kiss.

Of course, Nate made it easy.

Of course, Nate didn’t judge her.

He let her take the lead and set the pace, and Sonia did. She wanted it slow but hungry. She wanted to be filled with the desperation he could conjure within her, and she wanted to make them both wait for satisfaction. She knew he liked when she touched him, and she knew she hadn’t been demanding yet.

Tonight, that would change.

Tonight, she would own her sexuality.

Tonight, she would make Nate moan.

She felt so powerful when she kissed him and felt him inhale sharply. She pressed him back against the counter, locking her mouth over his and feasting upon him, running her hands over him, then claiming one of his nipples. She felt his heart skip as she pinched the nipple, just the way he had teased hers, and she let her tongue frolic with his. His arm was locked around her waist, his kiss deepening with every moment and he was hard against her hip. Sonia broke their kiss and closed her mouth over his nipple, teasing it to a tight peak. He seized a fistful of hair at her nape and whispered her name, a delicious anguish in his voice. She could smell his cologne, the one he’d worn to the wedding and she loved that her shoes gave her a little extra height.

“You said you like to look,” she whispered against his skin.

Nate nodded. “Absolutely,” he said, strain in his voice.

“There’s a mirror on the wardrobe door,” she told him and felt him turn to look. She’d left the door open on purpose, intending to give him a view, but he hadn’t noticed. His cock got harder and she knew he was looking at the reflection of them locked together. She turned slightly so she could look too and smiled at the heat in his gaze.

This was making love. This was sex as a celebration and a mutual exchange of pleasure. This was what Nate had given her.

Sonia let her hand slide down his chest and gave him in a long slow caress that made him even harder. She wrapped her hand around him, kissing his mouth hungrily as she stroked the length of him. She smiled into their kiss when he made a little incoherent sound of pleasure, then she backed away again. She ran her other hand down his chest, her fingers spread wide and held his gaze for a moment. His eyes were shining, glimmering green and gold, his gaze intense and he was still, taut with expectation. He always gave her the choice and that made her heart melt. His gaze flicked from the mirror to her and back again, his satisfaction more than clear. Sonia smiled, shook her hair back, then bent to take him in her mouth.

Nate gasped and his grip tightened in her hair. He didn’t press her down or onward, though. Instead, he lifted his hand away. She saw him grip the counter instead and brace his feet against the floor, accepting whatever she chose to give.

He tasted clean and she could smell his cologne, as if he’d put a little on his thighs for her. His skin was warm and smooth, his body so firmly muscled that she might have been making love to a statue—except for the little shiver that passed through him when she flicked her tongue against him. She caressed him and heard him catch his breath, drove him onward until his hips were pumping involuntarily.

“Sonia!” he whispered.

She straightened and kissed his ear, seizing his hair and capturing his mouth with hers. “I want to hear you moan,” she whispered and his eyes opened to bright slits. She smoothed the condom over him, then caressed him some more, teasing him to a fever pitch.

“When you make that noise. Not before.”

“I can’t plan that.”

“Then maybe I should help,” he said, which was all the warning she had. Sonia found herself scooped up and sitting on the counter. Nate grinned at her as he seized one shoe, his thumb pressing against her instep. She smiled as she spread her thighs wide, inviting him to feast upon her. He did, without hesitation, gripping her buttocks and closing his mouth over her with a proprietary ease that thrilled her.

Instead of one time being enough, each time they were together, they learned more of each other. Each time, they gave each other more pleasure. Each time, their union became more compulsive, more glorious, more addictive. She leaned back against the counter, displaying herself to him with an abandon she’d never felt before.

This was what it felt like to make love.

This was what it felt like to be in love. Sonia’s heart swelled with the conviction of it.

Nate teased her with his teeth and his tongue and his lips until the heat rose beneath her skin. He tormented her until she was shivering and squirming, until she couldn’t bear it any more, until she wanted him to finish her off—then she looked at the reflection in the mirror. He was watching her. When their gazes collided, a jolt shot through her. Sonia heard herself make that noise. She gasped in surprise, but Nate lifted her into his arms, burying himself inside her.

He moaned in a most satisfactory way, then his eyes opened again.

“You really have to rethink this conviction that you’re not a temptress,” he said, his voice tight.

She had time to smile then he moved and the world spun as he drove himself against her. Sonia wrapped herself around him, claiming his mouth in a demanding kiss, using everything she had to drive him crazy and take him higher. The room became hotter, they were pressed together as if they might merge into one being and Sonia felt his heart pounding against her own chest. Then he rolled his hips, driving himself against her clitoris and she came with a roar, digging her nails into his shoulders and locking herself convulsively around him. He gave one last thrust, then he was coming with her, shaking with the force of his release as he held her tightly.

She couldn’t catch her breath right away. Nate put his forehead on her shoulder and exhaled, obviously trying to steady himself.

“It’s hard to believe something that feels this good is legal,” he said finally, his tone wry, and Sonia started to laugh.

Nate was snared in the spell Sonia didn’t even know she was casting, just as Marc Antony had been beguiled by Cleopatra.

And he didn’t want to do a damn thing about it—but enjoy.

He was going down, just like Marc Antony, spiraling toward a bad ending, but on this night, he just couldn’t care. He’d be heartbroken later.

Right now, there was Sonia, and she was a tigress.

They did it again in the shower, being sure that they were quick enough not to run out of hot water. Then they lounged on the chair with their wine, Nate in his briefs and Sonia in a silky kimono that she didn’t bother to belt. She was glowing with happiness and told him about the plans for the podcast. Nate just wanted to watch her, drink in her enthusiasm, and bask in the magic of this night. He didn’t need alcohol to feel drunk in her presence.

He wanted to commit every detail of it to memory.

To his pleasure, she left on the fairy lights when they went to bed, and she came to bed nude. “Because morning comes early,” she said with a slow and seductive kiss that had him thinking about another round sooner than that.

They slept with their legs entangled and Sonia’s lips curved in a smile. She’d reclaimed everything, to Nate’s thinking, and didn’t need him any longer.

It was only sensible to be disappointed in that.

But he wouldn’t dwell on the negative. It wasn’t in his nature. He’d look at the silver lining and be glad that he’d had these two nights with her.

They would keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Sonia stirred in her sleep, sensing that her old nightmare was beginning.

As usual, she struggled against it.

As usual, it came anyway.

She shook her head and tried to shy away from the dream, but it made no difference. She heard the footsteps drawing closer and knew she was back in her old room. She could smell the floor polish and hear the tree branches that tapped against the window. She could hear the distant whistle of a train and the creak of the house in the wind. Even though there were others in the house, she couldn’t hear or sense them.

There were only the relentless footsteps. One, then silence.

Another, then silence.

Stealthy but steadily coming closer.

As if the ending was inevitable.

There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, no chance of escape. She’d tried to tell about it and hadn’t been believed.

And then it had been worse. Harder, as punishment.

She was trapped.

She curled tighter into a ball, as if she could make herself invisible by will alone. Her heart was pounding so hard that someone had to hear it. Someone had to realize the truth. Someone had to intervene.

But no one ever did.

She squeezed her eyes shut, and felt a tear of helplessness on her cheek.

Another step and silence.

She could tell by the sound, by the creak of the wooden floor, that it would only take two more steps to reach her door. He was stalking her, again. Still. Forever.

It was always horrible, always terrifying, always worse than the last time.

She held her breath.

She shivered in terror.

One more step.

Her heart was going to stop cold. Time stopped. She could feel the weight of a gaze landing upon her. She wanted to scream but she knew it wouldn’t make any difference. She was frozen in fear and her throat was tight, holding back any sound she might have made.

The shadow drew closer and her heart raced as if it would burst from her chest.

Then his hand landed on her shoulder and she froze in terror.

Sonia woke up with a jolt.

Her eyes flew open. She was almost surprised to see that she was in her apartment in New York, not in the bedroom she’d had as a teenager. Nate was behind her. His breathing was slow and steady, in complete contrast to hers. She could feel his heartbeat against her back, as well as his muscled strength.

Nate.

New York.

Safe.

She twisted around to look at him, savoring the sight of him, glad he was with her. He was sleeping on his back again, one arm thrown over his head, his hair tousled. He looked so confident, a man sure of his place in the world—while she felt hunted and afraid.

Again.

How Sonia hated that.

She took a deep breath and tried to slow the panicked beat of her heart.

She was safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.

Her first urge was to cover up her nudity, but that was a learned instinct. She recalled the evening she’d had with Nate, and how confident she’d felt in her body. She liked having her skin against his, no barriers between them.

Even if her dream left her feeling exposed.

“Hey.” His voice was low and sleepy. He rolled over and the weight of his arm slid around her waist. “It’s okay.” He nuzzled her ear and murmured something incoherent that was probably intended to be reassuring.

He was so protective, even in his sleep.

Sonia nestled against him, her heartbeat slowing again. She already knew she had the dream whenever she made a change or took a risk. It was as if she’d been taught to be fearful of following her own heart—and she knew she had been. She’d learned to keep a low profile and never tell anyone the secrets at home. But she’d brought Nate home and invited him back. She’d agreed to do the podcast. Stepping out of the shadows had triggered her recurring nightmare and she should have anticipated it.

She was safe.

She was strong.

They didn’t know where she was and they were unlikely to see the podcast. Nate was right about that.

Would Katia tell?

The possibility was unsettling. Katia had kept Sonia’s confidence for a decade. What if her twin changed her mind?

What if changing circumstances convinced Katia to tell?

Why had her sister been trying to get in touch? Sonia realized it might have been smarter to listen when Katia had called the week before. She hadn’t answered any calls from numbers she didn’t know, and there had been quite a few of them this week—a sure sign that her stubborn twin wasn’t giving up.

Maybe Katia knew something important.

Maybe she just wanted something.

On the one hand, Sonia’s anger with her twin was justified and deserved a response like the one she’d made. On the other hand, Katia could destroy everything if she chose to and expose Sonia all over again.

Sonia could have been a little more diplomatic.

But she couldn’t call Katia in the middle of the night to apologize.

She eased out from under the weight of Nate’s arm. He settled into the hollow of her pillow where her head had been. She went to the window so she could see better without turning on more lights. She changed the settings on her phone so Katia wasn’t blocked anymore. She’d call her twin in the morning and make it right. Sonia then put the phone back in the charger, unsure whether she was making a mistake.

Her nightmare always left her unsettled and uncertain. It made her feel vulnerable and frightened, just as she had been then. It turned her back into a terrified girl and left her questioning even the things she knew to be true. Sonia knew all the textbook explanations by heart, but it was different to live the experience than read about it. She reminded herself that she was a grown woman, in charge of her own destiny, and that he couldn’t hurt her anymore.

He’d have to find her first.

Even as an adult, the prospect made her shiver—and made sleep impossible. She wrapped her arms around herself and stood at the window, looking into the night.

Nate had sensed immediately that something was wrong.

He never slept deeply, not since doing his tour of duty, and the change in Sonia’s breathing awakened him immediately. She made a different incoherent sound than the one he liked, one that was agitated.

He was crushed between her and the wall in her single bed, which would have been just fine if she hadn’t been upset.

It was just like the week before.

How often did she have nightmares?

Was it a recurring one, or a whole variety pack of terrifying scenarios?

Nate slid his arm around her waist and pulled her closer.

She stiffened and caught her breath, and he knew she’d woken up fully. He saw her eyelids flutter and her gaze dart to him. He kept his own eyes partly closed, assessing her mood before he revealed that he was awake.

She exhaled shakily, looking around her apartment as if seeking reassurance.

Or verifying her location.

Where had she been? Nate wanted to know what haunted her.

She abruptly slipped out of his embrace. Nate watched as she retrieved her phone from the charger. She didn’t call anyone or send a text. Maybe she was changing the settings. His thoughts flew to her twin.

Maybe she was unblocking Katia.

Nate was burning to know the whole story, but he reminded himself that when he left in the morning, that would be it. He lay on his back and watched Sonia. It was incredible that the sight of her should still stir him up as much as it did. She’d been amazing tonight. A seductress demanding satisfaction and then wanting more.

How could it get better every time?

Sonia stood at the window and took a couple of deep breaths. She seemed to be fortifying herself for something or maybe just pushing aside the last of her nightmare. The building was quiet, the city beyond the window humming just a little. Time seemed to stop. Nate realized she was breathing steadily, in and out, the way people did in yoga class. She was calming herself, and the soft sound settled his jitters, too.

Eventually, she came to stand beside him and he could feel her gaze as keenly as a touch. He kept his eyes open just a little, watching her. She was looking at his arm with a little frown between her brows and his first thought was that she was turned off by his injury. But that made no sense, given how she’d responded to his touch, and Nate studied her more intently.

No, she was looking at his tattoo.

The hearts—or what was left of them.

Sonia’s gaze flicked to his face and back to the tattoo again, and Nate could almost watch her doing the math. Yes, he’d been madly, deeply, utterly in love with Trish. If she wanted to think he still was, that was all good—because Nate was never going to be that emotionally defenseless again. Sonia might think he was good for her now, but that would change.

Nate wouldn’t be left picking up the pieces of his heart ever again.

Even if that meant being alone for good.

“Did you have a nightmare?” he asked quietly.

She jumped a little, surprised by his question. “I thought you were asleep.”

“Light sleeper.”

“Since your tour of duty or always?”

“Afghanistan gives that souvenir.”

Sonia nodded, her hair falling to put her face in shadows. Nate yearned to reach up and push it back, but he remained where he was. “I usually do a yoga workout,” she admitted in a whisper that did hot and thick things to him.

“I’m awake. Go for it.”

Instead, she sank down to sit on the side of the bed. “What’s it like?” she asked quietly.

Nate didn’t immediately understand her question. “What?”

“Being in love. What’s it like?”

He peered at her in the shadows but couldn’t read her expression. “Haven’t you ever been in love?”

“I thought so, once, but I was wrong.” She grimaced. “Really wrong.”

“Are you sure? You can be in love alone, you know. There’s no guarantee that it will be reciprocated.”

“Is that what happened to you?”

“No.” Nate heard his voice warm at the memory, then frowned. He hadn’t thought he was in love alone, but maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe love could be a limited time offer, or had fine print that no one read until it was too late. He knew what he’d felt for Trish and it had been amazing, but if she’d felt the same way, he had a hard time believing she could have walked away.

He had been in love alone, but Sonia didn’t need to know that.

“What was it like?” She repeated, her tone wistful.

Ah, she wanted to know how to recognize the handsome prince, or pick him out from the pond full of frogs. Nate could help with that.

“It was amazing.” He closed his eyes, remembering how his heart had been full of Trish, how nothing had been right without her hand in his, her whisper in his ear, her arms wrapped around him. But now, he wasn’t thinking about how she laughed or the galaxy of stars in her eyes. He was thinking of Sonia’s dawning smile, the way her eyes darkened when her feelings were intense, how she could look both vulnerable and powerful. He was thinking of the feel of her wrapped around him, of how right it felt to be with her, of how it gave him such satisfaction to make her climax—or smile.

“There’s nothing like it,” he said finally, realizing that Sonia was waiting for his answer. She wouldn’t know he was talking about her. “It’s like the best of everything all rolled up together, and it just keeps getting better. It’s exciting and comfortable yet filled with a promise that makes the future an adventure to discover. It’s electric and easy at the same time. That sounds weird…”

“No, it sounds great.”

“It’s the juxtaposition. You feel like you’re in exactly the right place, as if you’ve found your niche and it fits you perfectly, but you don’t feel complacent or satisfied. You’re kind of humming with excitement, like you can’t wait to see what happens next or how it gets better. It’s overwhelming and fabulous in every way.”

“Do you think people fall in love more than once in their lives?”

“No,” he said flatly. “Not us Buchanans.”

Sonia smiled. “It’s a hereditary thing to have one true love?”

“Maybe.”

“Didn’t your mom ever remarry or think about it?”

He shook his head. “She never will. She told me that there’s one person in the world who is your soulmate and that’s the person you should marry. If you can’t make your life with that person, it doesn’t really change anything—you’ll love him or her forever, and it’s not fair to make anyone play second-best. You just have to soldier on alone. That’s what my mom does. She loved my dad, still does, and she remembers him all the time, but she’s given her heart. It’s not hers to give to anyone else.” He shrugged. “She says the important thing is that you find the right person to share your life and then to be all in.”

But he wasn’t all-in. He wasn’t telling Sonia the truth. Nate knew it was the better choice, though, for both of them.

“It sounds like it’s worth it,” Sonia said lightly. “I can understand why people write songs about it then.”

“You must have fallen in love at least a little bit.”

“That time I was infatuated,” Sonia said. “I think that was more about me seeing what I wanted to find in someone else instead of seeing the truth. It was more of a projection than a connection, if that makes any sense.”

“Hero worship?” It sounded like a realistic reaction to the appearance of a potential knight in shining armor.

“Something like that. It’s pretty brutal when you find out that you were the only one thinking romantic thoughts.”

Nate knew how that went. It had shattered him when Trish hadn’t been able to accept the change in his body. He’d been struggling with it himself, but hadn’t had a choice. He’d been hurt and disappointed, and now he realized he was angry that she’d refused to even try. He’d felt betrayed and he’d never forget it.

In a way, it left a worse scar than the loss of his hand.

The silence stretched long between them and Nate knew Sonia had to be doing the math. He’d been in love and sufficiently committed to have someone’s name tattooed on his skin. He was single now. Clearly, something had happened to that relationship and that woman—but Nate wouldn’t tell anyone that story. It was old news, part of his past and not his future. Maybe she’d assume the story was like his mom’s, that Trish was dead or otherwise unavailable, but that his love for her remained true forever.

He would not feel like a jerk for misleading her.

Sonia slipped under the covers and stretched out beside Nate. He rolled to his side again and put his arm around her waist.

“You’re cold,” he murmured into the back of her neck and she snuggled against him.

“You’re warm.”

The movement of her butt in his lap was provoking another response, but Nate wasn’t going there, not now when he felt like he was holding out on her. “Go back to sleep, Sonia,” he whispered. “You’re safe now.”

“Yes,” she said, letting out a breath. “Yes,” she whispered again with more conviction. She threaded her fingers into his and nestled against him. Eventually, Nate heard her breathing slow. He thought she was asleep and he found himself dozing off, then she kissed his hand and his eyes flew open. “I love you, Nate,” she whispered, as if she didn’t expect him to respond.

He didn’t say a word, just tried to keep his breathing even.

She loved him.

It couldn’t be true.

Sonia fell asleep but he lay awake, wondering what demons she fought in her dreams.

It was only natural that he wanted to slay them for her.

But Nate knew that was a task best left for her handsome prince.

Whoever the hell that was, he was one lucky guy.

And Nate would be gone in the morning for good.