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If you have any semblance of pop culture knowledge you’ve probably noticed that all the chapters in this book carry song titles. Which, on the one hand, is a bit dumb, because it’s totally anachronistic – it’s not like Squire ever sat down and listened to The Clash or Jane’s Addiction. But on the other hand, coming up with chapter titles is a pain in the butt. And using song titles was just a lot more fun. Though also tricky; trying to find popular songs that somehow relate to the life of a man who was 50 years in the ground before Edison invented the gramophone wasn’t always a breeze.
It started out by chance, with chapter two. The lyric “I’m a dandy highwayman” from Adam and the Ants’ Stand and Deliver got stuck in my head when I was writing that chapter and so I used it. Soon enough, the idea became to use song titles for each chapter.
Kudos to you if you recognised every single song title in the book. I reckon you’d be very much in the minority. For the majority of readers, to save you having to Google each title (because it’s likely annoying you that you can’t figure some of them out) I’ve included a list of each title and where the song came from.
Because I’m a tops guy like that.
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A Note to the Reader - Hello
What better way to start off a book by saying “Hello”? This is of course Lionel Richie’s hit from his 1983 album Can’t Slow Down. It’s perhaps best remembered as the inspired selection for the Tap King ad. Or maybe because the original video features a blind woman managing to make a surprisingly accurate bust of Lionel Richie despite not being able to see. Also, can we just pause for a minute and contemplate the tackiness of having a blind woman in the video, when the song includes lyrics like, “is it me you’re looking for?”. Lionel, she’s blind, she can’t “look” for anything.
Another Note to the Reader - Hello Again
Okay, having two notes to the reader caused me a headache for ages in terms of coming up with a song title. And then I remembered The Cars’ Hello Again, released in 1984. I was living in the United States when the song – and album Heartbeat City – came out. And I hated it. And hated The Cars too. Still do – so many of their songs sound like cheesy pop made for six-year-olds.
Introduction - Let’s Go
This is one precisely two Cars songs that I don’t hate (the other being Just What I Needed). Even though “She’s winding them down, on her clock machine” is such a stupid lyric. You just meant “clock”, didn’t you? But you wanted a rhyme for “seventeen” in the next line, so you came up with “clock machine” – a phrase that no one has ever used outside this song. When someone asks the time, no-one answers by saying “hey, look at the clock machine on the wall”.
1. We’re a Happy Family
The original title for this was Running in the Family, a 1987 hit in Australia from UK’s Level 42. Never heard of them? Yeah, that’s why I changed the title – well that and the fact the song is terrible. Much better to go with a Ramones song. And I’ve always found the placement of that “Daddy likes men” line amusing.
2. Stand and Deliver
This comes from the two-year spurt of fame for Adam and the Ants, the band that made having two drummers and a horizontal stripe of white paint across the bridge of your nose briefly cool. Ant Music is still a good song too. “That music’s lost its taste, so try another flavour” is a great lyric.
3. I Don’t Like Mondays
The song was written after Bob Geldof heard about 16-year-old Brenda Ann Spencer’s shooting a gun in a kids’ playground, killing two adults and injuring eight children and a cop. She said she did it because “I don’t like Mondays. This livens up the day”. But these days it’s more of an FM radio staple, which is played – you guessed it – on a Monday morning as people head to work. Because people hate heading to work on Mondays, geddit?
4. Jailhouse Rock
Come on, you had to know this was an Elvis Presley song. Don’t force me to think less of you.
5. Six Months in a Leaky Boat
Yes, I’m aware the First Fleet took a little more than six months to sail from England to Sydney. I’m just taking a bit of artistic licence here. Besides, if I recall correctly, this Split Enz song is more of a metaphor for the depression of songwriter and singer Tim Finn that anything nautical.
6. When Will I Be Famous
This is from Bros, the trio that featured the Goss twins and some other guy who wasn’t related. Which kinda ruined the whole “Bros” name thing and maybe gave the third guy an inferiority complex (“why didn’t they include me in the band name?”). And the answer to the question posed by the song title? “For a short period of time in 1987 and then the readers of Smash Hits will find some other teeny crap to listen to”.
7. Taking Care of Business
Yeah, it’s Bachman-Turner Overdrive with the one song of theirs people actually know. Which meant they probably had to play it at the end of each gig because people would leave afterwards.
“Hey, they played that business song - let’s go home now.”
“But wait, they haven’t played You Aint Seen Nothing Yet.”
“Huh?”
“You know, ‘B-b-b-baby you aint seen nnn-nothing yet’.”
“That’s them too. Wow, I know TWO of their songs.”
8. Let’s Talk About Sex
Perhaps the best-known hit from that seasoned duo Salt-N-Pepa. Geddit? Seasoned – because they’re salt and pepper. Okay, never mind. Funny thing, for a song that professes to talk about sex, they don’t actually talk about sex that much. It starts with a chorus and then the first verse is all about how they’re going to talk about sex. And up comes the chorus again, promising that we’ll talk about sex. Then more than a minute into the song they actually talk about sex in the second verse. Until the chorus comes back and then they wonder if it’ll get played on the radio and then we’re back into the chorus again. The third verse brings a bit more sexy talk. But then, for the last minute of the song it’s that frigging chorus again. Seems they spend more time telling us how they’re going to talk about sex than, you know, actually talking about sex.
9. Hang Around
This comes from Wollongong’s own Tumbleweed and is the opening cut on their 1995 Galactaphonic album. Forget Sundial or Daddy Long Legs, it’s Hang Around that is the band’s best tune as far as I’m concerned. Though I’m buggered as to why the video features them being chased around the city by a big chicken.
10. Been Caught Stealing
Didn’t like Jane’s Addiction at the time. And I still don’t now. But I couldn’t go past the song title for this chapter. You know, ’cause James Squire was caught stealing.
11. Smallpox Champion
From Fugazi, the most indie of indie bands. Back when was I younger and ran a music webzine (which is what we called blogs back then) one of my favourite moments was scoring an interview with them. This brutal piece of work sits on their In On The Kill Taker album.
12. Police and Thieves
Not the Junior Murvin version – which is really light and poppy for a song about police brutality – but The Clash’s effort. That one is more pointed and edgy, especially with the sharp, cutting guitar riff throughout the song. Much better in my opinion.
13. Whip It
My daughter is at the age now where she likes to see music videos of the songs from when I was growing up. I started playing this one by Devo and about 10 seconds in I remembered the whole video is basically about a guy whipping a girl tied to a post until all her clothes come off. I wasn’t keen on the sort of conversation that would spark and so I quickly found another video. I watched the whole thing later on and was struck by just how unpleasantly misogynistic it seems to modern eyes.
14. The Dead Heart
It’s from Midnight Oil - and I figure Arthur Phillip had to have a bit of a dead heart to think kidnapping the natives was a good idea.
15 Sweet Child O’ Mine
I’m not often the guy who gets into a band way before everyone else. And sometimes I can miss the boat entirely. Guns N’ Roses are a case in point. I wanted nothing to do with the mega-selling album Appetite For Destruction because I thought they were a bunch of poseurs. Not just Axl, all of them. Of course, I eventually caught up and bought Use Your Illusion II (because of The Terminator II song You Could Be Mine) but by then it was a bit too late.
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16. Gimme Head
I was a bit of a fan of The Radiators in the 1980s –
had their first five albums. Back then the idea of a song blatantly about getting blowjobs seemed very naughty, prompting infantile giggles. Now, the nature of the song seems pretty tacky, especially when a number of their other songs show they could write a pretty decent pop song.
17. I Fought the Law
Originally recorded by Sonny Curtis when he joined The Crickets in 1960, they did it with a country tinge. Then in 1966 the Bobby Fuller Four came along and re-recorded it – which is the version most of us know. But I had The Clash’s version in mind, partially because – unlike the previous versions – at least The Clash looked like people who would actually get in trouble with the law.
18. No Word From China
Back in the late 1980s, I found a double-album companion to Stuart Coupe and Glenn A Baker’s book The New Rock N Roll. It had songs from loads of bands I’d never heard before – The Fleshtones, Payolas, The Birthday Party and a postpunk band from Newcastle called Pel Mel. They’re the ones behind the song No Word From China. It’s angular, slightly odd and pretty much the only song from that double LP that still pings round my head to this very day.
19. The Imposter
This corker of a song comes from Elvis Costello and appears on his 1980 album Get Happy!! (though I first heard it on the Concert for the People of Kampuchea live album) Three years later Costello would use The Imposter as a pseudonym to release the anti-Thatcher tune Pills and Soap and his next backing back after The Attractions would be The Imposters. So he got a bit of mileage out of that song title.
20. Sign Your Name
Just because they’re used as chapter titles doesn’t mean I like all these songs. This is a case in point – this Terence Trent D’Arby song was picked solely because it’s the first song I could think of that referred to someone signing their name. Besides, Terence looks like the third member of Milli Vanilli, which is never a good thing.
21. More Than a Feeling
It’s a song performed by Boston, on a chapter about John Boston. Clever, huh? It’s also the song from which Kurt Cobain snaffled the guitar riff for Smells Like Teen Spirit. So I guess Corporate Rock might still suck – but, hey, it’s okay to swipe from it.
22. First in Line
I first heard this tune from The Romantics as the B-side (remember those?) to their huge single (remember those, too?) What I Like About You. It’s on their debut album but it’s what you’d technically refer to as “filler”. I kinda feel sorry for those who bought the album on the strength of What I Like About You, because that’s the strongest track.
23. Kill the Pig
The Tall Shirts were a weird, weird Australian band of the late 1980s. And I mean weird in terms of their music. It mashed up Hawaiian, gospel, swamp, blues, rock, rockabilly and whatever else they could get their hands on. A chapter about killing a pig can have no better song title that this effort. Go check out their live performance of the tune on YouTube. Strange cats indeed.
24. More Beer
Fear was a California hardcore punk band from the late 1970s to early 1980s. This wasn’t their best song but, when you’re looking for songs about beer the pickings are slim. Basically it’s a whole load of country and western songs and this one. I have to admit the Journey-style pisstake in the breakdown of this song is cool). Fear’s best song? Well, that would be Let’s Have A War, which manages to be smart, dumb and malevolent at the same time. How many punk songs namecheck the Dow Jones?
25. Get Free
This was going to be I’m Free by the Soup Dragons but I went back to watch the video and remembered how intensely I loathed that band. So I changed to this tune from The Vines.
26. The Stroke
US rocker Billy Squier is usually remembered for the cringeworthy video to Rock Me Tonite. And that’s understandable – it features him dancing incredibly badly through a set done up to be a bedroom. It’s like the video director said “yes, the song has the word “rock” in the title, but I want to act in the most un-rock way. Why? It’ll seem ironic and clever”. To his credit, Squier takes the mocking he cops for this video with good grace.
Once you’ve Googled that song, check out Squier’s The Stroke – it’s a bit more “rock”.
27. Runaway
Because I’m old, I had Del Shannon’s Runaway in mind when I came up with this chapter title. I wasn’t aware of the Kanye West song Runaway. Nor The National’s or Ed Sheeran’s or The Kooks. But I did know of Bon Jovi’s Runaway (check out the video – bad acting, bad hair, bad clothes). Yep, I’m so far behind the curve.
28. Strange Brew
While there is a great beer-related film with the same title, we’re talking about the 1967 tune from Cream here. I’m no fan of the song – it just seemed to work with the chapter.
29. House of Fun
Like a lot of people, I thought for ages that this 1982 tune from Madness was actually about a house of fun. You know, like a fun park. But I was shocked to find out it was about a 16-year-old boy trying to buy condoms. Which is obvious from a reading of the lyrics – which no radio or TV programmers must have done as it was played all over the place with no idea of the risque nature of tune. Well, in the ’80s a song about a teenager buying condoms was risque.
30. I Will Follow
In my late 20s if I read a biography of a band, I suddenly became a fan of them and went out and bought their records. It was only ever a short-term thing – I didn’t care for the band before reading the biography and, after a few months, it was as if I suddenly remembered that fact and quickly lost interest in the band.
Such was the case with U2 after reading The Unforgettable Fire. Went nuts for the band before waking up to myself and realising they were a bit wanky.
31. Hop, Skip, Jump
It’s strange how some songs just get stuck in your head. I’d had the chorus to this song pinging around in there for ages. I’d told myself it was a song I’d heard on Countdown back in the early ’80s. But I didn’t believe myself, because the lyrics in my head included “Hop, skip, jump/Shake a leg” which are just too stupid to be from an actual song. Turns out it was an actual song – YouTube has New Zealand band The Orphans playing this. And I don’t know why I remembered it for so long because it is an awful song. It was used for this chapter because “hop” is close to “hops”.
32. Hey Stoopid
It’s an Alice Cooper song about kicking drugs while also choosing not shoot yourself in the head. Seriously, go check out the lyrics.
33. Love Will Tear Us Apart
There are songs that you can sing along in your head for ages while being largely unaware of the true nature of the words. The Police’s Every Breath You Take is a classic example – people think it’s a love song but the lyrics are all about stalking someone.
While I knew the truth about The Police song I wasn’t aware of just how goddamn dark the lyrics to the Joy Division song were until I had a look at them to write this bit. It’s a tale of a deeply dysfunctional relationship and the words take on a deeper meaning when you consider the songwriter Ian Curtis committed suicide less than a year later. I’m not alone in missing that – the rest of Joy Division has since said they didn’t twig to the cry for help that was in the lyrics.
I chose this for the chapter title about Squire’s wife’s death more for the general sadness of the song rather than any deeper meaning.
34. Go West
It’s from the Pet Shop Boys. I never liked them. I just picked it because the song title worked with this chapter.
35. Peaches
Man, the lyrics to this song from The Presidents of the United States of America are so asinine: “Peaches come from a can, They were put there by a man, In a factory downtown”. Lump is a far better song (and Weird Al’s cover is better still) Can’t believe they were nominated for a Grammy for this tune; though they didn’t win. With The Beatles nominated in the same category (for that icky Free as a Bird tune), there was no way anyone else was going to win.
36. Don’t Tear It Down
Ahh, Spy Vs Spy ... I was such a huge fan of them back in the day. There aren’t a lot of bands that can create a distinctive sound, one that is instantly recognisable. Spy Vs Spy was one of those bands. Even if you were hearing a song for the first time, you could pick it as a Spy song without any trouble.
37. Blackfella Whitefella
A mid-1980s tune from the Warumpi Band. Leaving aside the message of racial harmony, it’s a damned catchy tune.
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38. Friends
Andy Summers was lucky Sting was in The Police, because Andy’s songs were always a little weird. Lyrically, at least. Musically, he managed to win a Grammy for Best Instrumental for Behind My Camel. This tune – the B-side to Don’t Stand So Close To Me –
is about cannibalism. Specifically eating your friends. It must have freaked out some of those teenage girls who bought the single.
39. Give It Away
It’s a song from those noted purveyors of terrible lyrics, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Here’s a sample from this song “Realise I don’t want to be a miser/Confide with sly you’ll be the wiser”. See, that doesn’t mean anything.
40. The End
It’s an appropriately-named tune for The Beatles, because it was the last song all four members would ever record together in a studio. The End is part of a medley of several short songs and contains the ironically uplifting lyric “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”. It’s ironic because the band would have an acrimonious break-up about five seconds after they left the studio.
41. Bodies
For a band prone to provoking outrage, the Sex Pistols didn’t come up with that many truly outrageous songs. It was pretty much this one and Belsen was a Gas (though there was actually no gas chambers at the Belsen concentration camp). But Bodies is actually a pretty gross song – it’s about a mentally ill friend of singer John Lydon who had an abortion and reportedly turned up to his house with the fetus in a plastic bag.
Bibliography – Every Day I Write the Book
It may surprise you to know that finding a song about books isn’t easy. So thank you to Elvis Costello for writing one and having the Attractions perform it.
An Explanation – Can’t Stop the Music
It’s the title track from the Village People film of the same name. It features Steve Guttenberg as a songwriter/DJ, and the members of the Village People walk around in their stage costumes all the time, as though it’s their usual attire. As an aside, I was only 10 when the Village People were huge and with God as my witness, I didn’t realise there was a whole gay thing going on. I thought they were just five guys who liked to dress up in costumes.
Index – Five-Letter Word
An index is a list of words, so a song title that features the word “word” seems appropriate. And index is a five-letter word. Clever choice, huh? This comes from the sublime Australian power pop band The Numbers. Jeez, I don’t know how these guys weren’t huge.