I’m not a very confrontational person by nature, so this was a difficult exercise. I felt like I’d be putting people on the spot or in an uncomfortable position. I decided to approach a colleague from work who I have lunch with every couple weeks. He’s in a different department, but we work on a few projects a year, so I thought he’d have a pretty good perspective. He made two points, both of which kind of surprised me. First, he said that other people in the company, especially new hires, often assume I’m the head of my department. He thought it had to do with the way I dress and carry myself, but also my manner in meetings. I felt good about that. His second point wasn’t as positive. He basically said that I could also be a little intimidating at times. That really floored me, because in my mind I’m often doubting myself and carrying around a lot of insecurities. But the feelings are clearly coming across differently.
This was helpful feedback. The fact that people view me as a leader is encouraging. I need to own that more and use it to my advantage. But I also need to recognize that my insecurities can translate into a kind of aggression. I know that I tend to get quiet when I’m feeling unsure, and maybe that silence comes across as judgmental. During Hell Week, I’m going to look out for this, and work extra hard at projecting openness, even when I’m feeling unsure on the inside.
This was super-uncomfortable, because I’m not someone who does a lot of opening up with people. Maybe it’s the English blood in me. So I actually avoided even thinking about it for a few weeks. But then I finally bit the bullet and had a chat with one of my colleagues from the office, a woman I’ve known for a bunch of years. We actually worked together at another bank before our current job, which is something she talked about. We’d been in more junior positions back then, and she talked about how much more relaxed I was in that job. I felt myself becoming defensive. I wanted to explain that I have more responsibility now and that’s stressful, so of course I’m not going to be as much fun. But as I thought about it more, I realized that she was right—I was more relaxed in my last job, and as a result I was a lot better in that role as well. The ultra-serious approach I’m taking with my current position isn’t necessarily leading to better results.