Well, Ellie didn’t choke on her sandwich, and now she was forced to come up with some kind of response to Landon’s half-sarcastic, half-painfully-true statement. “You make me sound like I’m some kind of annoying child who doesn’t obey orders,” she said at last. Tears once again threatened to spill as she realized how true his words had been. She was a handful and then some. She did act like a temperamental child. But then again, what was a child besides a tiny human who had its full life ahead of it? Maybe Landon wasn’t so far off base, after all…
“No, no. Hey! I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, yeah, you’re not the biggest fan of rules and restrictions. But you also keep forgetting what you’ve been through. You push yourself too hard sometimes, and then you get frustrated with your lack of progress. Stop that.”
Ellie brought her knees up and hugged them close to her chest. “You have no idea how frustrating this all is. No idea what it’s like. The hospital, the therapy, the pharmacy full of medicines… none of it’s been enough yet. Nothing is happening, and it makes me wonder if I’m just kidding myself. I guess… I guess I just need something to happen to prove to me that I can get better.”
Ellie couldn’t believe she’d just voiced her deepest worries to Landon of all people. Would he think she was being weak? Complaining after he and Liz and the others had done so much to try to help her get better? She felt like the worst person in the world, until Landon looped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her gently to his side.
“You’re right—I can’t understand it, Ellie. All I can do is listen and try to help in whatever way you’ll let me.” He gave her a little squeeze and, for a moment Ellie felt safe. No matter what happened with her memories, she had people who cared for her. Maybe that could be enough.
But then Landon spoke again and ruined everything. “After all, it’s my job to help you get better,” he said with a casual shrug.
“Right, I forgot. I’m your job to take care of.” She slipped out of his arms and struggled to her feet, doing her best to maintain the tiny shred of dignity she had left as she brushed the grass from her bottom.
“That’s not what I meant, Ellie. I don’t just think of you as a job.” Landon was quick to his feet, a worried expression marring his handsome features.
“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just head back. You’re right. I’m tired. I want to go back to my cabin and grab a nap.” Her thoughts were jumbled, and she was embarrassed at how petty she was acting. She couldn’t even figure out what had set her off. They’d been having a nice time, sitting and talking, and for some reason she’d just let her insecurities get the best of her.
Maybe her head injury had done more to her than they’d all originally thought. Surely a rational person didn’t act like this.
“No, it does matter.” Landon placed a hand on her waist and waited for her to look up at him. “Ellie, tell me, what’s wrong? What’s really wrong?”
The harder Ellie thought about how she could possibly respond to that, the more a pulsing pain took over her head. Of course this would happen now. She was so broken, she couldn’t even think straight without injuring herself. Reaching up, she pinched the bridge of her nose and clenched her eyes tight. “Ugh. I’m sorry,” she groaned. “I just have a bit of a headache.”
Landon still held a hand on her waist and he brought his other to rest on her hip. She opened her eyes and found him gazing at her intently, his eyebrows pulled together in concern. He stood so very close now, and it felt so very nice. And she…
Without warning, a fresh deluge of tears broke through. Oh, great! That will make this whole thing less embarrassing.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she sputtered, trying to laugh at herself and failing.
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Ellie,” Landon assured her, but she found it impossible to believe him. “You’re—"
“Honestly, I don’t always just start bawling like a baby. I’m just so tired these days, and—”
“What do you mean? Aren’t you sleeping well at night?” Concern took over Landon’s entire face, and Ellie saw then that she meant far more to him than some job.
But the question remained—what did he mean to her? And what could she possibly do about it when the memories of her dream man haunted her night in and night out?
She shook her head and continued to cry. It couldn’t get any more embarrassing, so she might as well let it all out. “No, I can’t sleep. At least not well. There are certain memories trying to get through, and they seem to have chosen my dreams as the time to do it.”
Landon looked so happy for her. He didn't understand. Couldn’t understand. “Memories? That’s great, Ellie! Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“They’re almost there. Close enough to touch, but I can never quite reach them. I feel like I’m going crazy.” She laughed, not wanting to tell him about the man in her dreams. It felt too personal, too sacred.
“Everything I had before is just gone. And I don’t really know what I can look forward to in the future if I can’t even remember my past,” she admitted, tucking her face into his chest and allowing the huge, wracking sobs to take over.
Landon’s chest moved with every breath as the silence stretched between them. She listened to his heart, beating steady, strong. Why couldn’t everything in life be as steady and predictable as that heartbeat?
As Ellie wondered about this, Landon raised his thumbs to wipe away her tears. Then he cupped her cheeks and lifted her face to his. His large hat cast a shadow between them as he leaned closer.
Closer.
Closer still.
When at last his lips brushed against hers, Ellie was too mesmerized to pull away.
It was Landon who broke their kiss and said, “Even if you can never remember your past, Ellie, you always have your future ahead of you.”
He pressed his lips to hers again, as if to say and I want very much to be a part of that future.
Ellie’s legs barely held her as she clung to Landon, relishing the moment they’d shared even if it was all wrong for them to be together.
At last she found the strength to let go, to take a step back as she reached to tuck the stray pieces of hair behind her ears. She needed a moment to compose herself and get her heart rate back to normal.
What about him, Ellie? What about the man you’re dreaming of? Are you just going to give up on ever finding him and seeing just what he meant to you?
“Well, there’s still a lot I need to figure out before I’m willing to start looking ahead,” she said with an apologetic smile. Of course, she wanted to jump back into his arms and let him kiss her again, let him kiss her forever. But she knew she’d never be able to let herself look toward a possible future with him as long as the man from her past haunted her.
And nothing more could happen with Landon until she found him.