William got off Black Thunder and tethered the horse to a tree. It was chilly but he did not feel it. He was quite agitated by the different emotions that were filling him. How could he have betrayed Amelia like that? He had promised her as she lay dying that he would never love another woman. She would always have his heart. And now he had betrayed that love and trust and he clicked in self-disgust. He walked to her grave and stood looking down at it.
He tried to remember Amelia’s face, but all he could come up with was Elizabeth’s chubby and dimpled face, and her full heart-shaped lips, her innocent eyes as she blinked at him from behind her glasses whenever she was reading and had them on. He closed his eyes and groaned. The woman had taken his wife’s place in his mind as well.
William walked around the clearing, the bright moon lighting up the clearing where he was. He loved this spot because whenever he was troubled he could come here and feel at peace. He rubbed his five o’clock shadow with his right hand, his left hand at his waist. Black Thunder stood by, watching him. As William paced, he felt as though all the creatures were watching him. It did not frighten him in any way. If anything, it filled him with something he could not explain: a deep sense of oneness with the universe and nature.
The gentle breeze made the leaves rustle in the night, leaves that would soon be shed as autumn arrived. The soft humming of night insects sounded like a song to William. He smiled and closed his eyes, and he knew what Elizabeth had felt when she had first seen the mountains: a sense of reverence and awe.
For the first time in a long while he felt deep peace taking over his heart. And he heard Pastor Thomas’ voice, as the clergyman had spoken to him a few weeks after Amelia’s death.
“There is no pain like the pain of losing someone you love so deeply, but even with the pain of death comes the knowledge that because our loved ones loved the Lord, they are now in His presence, and their pain is gone.”
“Why is God so cruel, Pastor Thomas?” William was full or rage and grief. “If He is as loving as you claim, why does He allow pain like this? Amelia was a young woman with small children. Why would God do something like this and deny these children their mother, when they still need her? And what about me? Does your God care for me, too? Or is this a way of punishing me?”
“No William, you have got it all wrong.” The older man sighed. “There are some questions whose answers we will never know until we cross over to the other side. But one thing that I know for sure is that in all things, God is working for our good, and no matter what we are going through, if we believe that God is right there with us, it makes the pain bearable.”
William did not say a word.
“There is a season and time for everything under the sun. For some of us our sojourn here on earth is for a long time, for others, like Sister Amelia, it is a short one. But the truth is that life must go on. You must go on, William, for the sake of your children, Mary and Abigail.”
William looked at Pastor Thomas. “And what is that supposed to mean?”
Pastor Thomas chuckled. “You are young, William. You are a strong young man who can sire many more children.”
“Amelia is dead.”
“Indeed, she is dead. But when the time comes, your heart will open up to someone else.”
“Never!”
“William,” the older man put his hand on William’s sleeve, “I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I know the pain of loss and of thinking that there is no way a person can go on. In my fifty-five years of life and thirty years as a pastor, I have seen people come and go, children born, children dying before adulthood. I have buried fathers and mothers, and have shared pain with many of my congregants. And one thing I can tell you is that things will never be the same again. Life changes after the loss of a loved one. It becomes different. God has given us the ability to cope with whatever comes our way, but only if we entrust ourselves into His loving arms. It does not get easier, it just becomes different. And when the right time comes, allow your heart to open up and let someone else in.”
“That is betraying Amelia.”
“No, no, no, my son. Betrayal is if you should love another while your wife is still alive and you are together. The Bible says that once a wife or husband is dead, the remaining spouse has been set free, and can move on and love someone else again.”
William sighed. He looked around him and once more was caught up in memories.
“William,” Pastor Thomas said, “moving on to love someone else is part of the cycle of life. Look at the trees. In winter they lie frozen beneath the ice. Spring comes and they thaw, and new life begins. Then summer comes and they are in the prime of their life, not knowing that autumn is just around the corner, when they will have to shed all their leaves and bow down once again to the weight of snow in winter. Such is life. Even when it is bleak like winter, spring comes, and life becomes new again. Do you understand what I am saying?” William nodded.
“You can be sure that when life ends, new life begins. For our sister, life has ended on this side of heaven, but it has begun in paradise where she is beholding the face of our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. For you and the children, life with Amelia has ended. But it can begin again when you move on and find another woman to bring you and the children comfort. No one can ever take the place of your wife, but you can make room for someone else. That is how big our hearts are, and we never know it until we have to go through something like this.”
At the time William had thought the older clergyman rather mad, but now it all made sense to him. He was not betraying Amelia in any way by opening his heart to Elizabeth. Amelia was a part of his life that would always be there, and he did not need to hold her image in his mind always, because through their children she would always live. She was in Mary’s eyes, in Abigail’s smile.
For the first time in a long time William smiled from the heart. Yes, he would not forget Amelia, never, but he could open up his heart and love another, Elizabeth to be precise. And he realized that his new wife was a very honorable woman. He had overheard a conversation between her and Mary. They were in the barn collecting eggs and had not realized that he was in the stable grooming the horses.
“Mama?”
“Yes, my beautiful child?”
“I miss my mama.”
“I know you do, little one, I know you do. I also miss my mama a lot.”
“I am afraid.”
“Why, Mary? What is making you afraid?”
“That I will forget her, and that makes me sad.”
Elizabeth put down her basket of eggs and pulled the child in for a hug. “When our loved ones die in the Lord, they go into His very presence, and are happy with Him there until we join them. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, Mama.”
“And even though we have a lot of pain here, God has given us a precious gift that we can never lose.”
“What is that, Mama?”
“Memories. The memories we shared with our loved ones live in our hearts, and whenever we feel sad, we can always remember the good times and things that we did, that will put a smile on our faces.”
“Mama?”
“Yes, child?”
“I love you, and I am so glad that Mrs. Thomas helped me to put that advert in the paper, and you and Papa fell in love, and Papa married you, and now you are our mama.”
“And baby, I love you too, and I am also glad that I am your new mama.”
William smiled and walked to Black Thunder. It was time to go home, time to go to his wife, time to start a new cycle of life. He paused at Amelia’s grave before he got onto his horse. “Amelia, you know how much I loved you. I still do, and I always will. And the fact that I am going to build a new life with Elizabeth does not mean that you are out of my life. You will always be in my life and my heart, and in our children I see you everyday.”
He jumped onto his horse and urged Black Thunder home. He was going to finally make things right with Elizabeth, his wife, tonight. He opened the stable door and urged Black Thunder in, not going in to check if all was alright. Black Thunder would find his own way to his stall. There were more important things for him to do right now.
He strode purposefully towards Amelia’s old room and opened the door. The moonlight lit the room and as his eyes adjusted themselves, he frowned. Elizabeth’s bed was empty. In fact it showed no signs of having been slept in. He quickly went to the porch where he had left her. It was empty, too. Then something struck him and he went to the room that Virginia shared with Abigail. Her bed was empty too.
William’s heart constricted in fear. “Oh Lord, what have I done?” He secured the front and back doors and rushed outside to the stables, and his fear deepened. Primrose and Spitfire were missing, which meant that the two girls had left.
William felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He shook his head. It was all his fault. He had driven away the one woman who had brought his household, his children and now, he finally admitted, his own life into order. She was probably on her way back to Boston because she believed he did not love her.
He had kissed her and left her high and dry on the porch, and ridden away with no explanation. William sighed. What a selfish person he had been. Elizabeth had left her life behind her and come to join him on the ranch, and over the weeks she had showed him what a wonderful woman she was. And he knew that she loved him. Otherwise, she would not have responded to his kiss in the way that she had. She was a rare woman, a precious woman, and he had lost her because of being very stubborn. She was valuable, but he had treated her like she was of no importance to him. That must have hurt her so badly, and he felt deep pain in his heart. He loved Elizabeth. He could finally admit that. He was in love with her.
Then his jaws tightened. He shook his head once again. He was not going to lose Elizabeth, not without a fight. With that resolve, he ran back into the house and got his rusty rifle and jumped onto Black Thunder. They could not have gone very far because he knew Elizabeth was still not yet fully confident of riding, and especially not in the dark. But they had about a two hour head start on him. He smiled. No problem there. Black Thunder was a powerful horse and faster than both Primrose and Spitfire, and he would soon catch up with the ladies.
“Lord,” he prayed, for the first time in a long time. “Please show me the way.”