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All I can think about while I'm spewing last night's drinks all over the ice is ... how embarrassing.
And not just how embarrassing it is to be sprawled out on the ice, vomiting in front of everybody. They're relieved actually – I can tell, because it means I just ended practice. After this, they'll all pat me on the butt and wink at me and say good job back there, Jonesy.
No, I just mean, how embarrassing everything in my life is. It's like one constant, non-stop barrage of fuck-ups and idiotic decisions.
Kudos to Vance for having the balls to come get me this morning. I gotta give him respect, most guys wouldn't be able to do that. At least, that's what I thought at first. But then I realized he was doing the 'act like nothing ever happened' routine.
Maybe he truly doesn't remember? That'd be interesting, wouldn't it ... a reprieve, sort of. Though I guess I'd always be slightly suspicious if he truly forgot or not.
But there's no way. I know he remembers.
After practice, we hit the showers. And everyone is relieved to be going home and go back to sleep.
I take my time. I take an extra long shower, since I didn't get to take one this morning. I'm hoping Vance will hurry up and head home without me. But when I finally get out of the shower and towel off, he's still waiting.
Like he normally would. If things were normal.
“Let's walk back together,” he says.
“Okay,” I gulp. He waits for me to get dressed. And then we leave together.
We walk together down the city sidewalk. We're quiet. I decide it's time to put myself out of my misery.
“Listen,” I say. “About last night. I went way too far.”
“You?” he chuckles. “You didn't do anything. I pushed for it, Cal. As crazy as that is for me to admit.”
“Wha'?” I blurt out breathlessly.
He leans closer while we walk and lowers his voice. “If anything, I'm the one who oughtta be apologizing. So, I'm sorry I put you in that position. I guess I lost control of myself, man. I dunno. I've never felt like that before in my life, Cal – not about another guy anyway.”
“Then ...” I trail off. “What now?”
“Nothing.” He shrugs. “I feel like I've learned a shocking thing about myself, but uh, that's it. Nothing more can happen, dude. We gotta focus on playing hockey. Okay? That's all.”
My heart sinks, but I try to hide it. “Yeah. Duh. Of course.”
If only it were that easy for me. Then none of this would've happened. I'd still be in Winnipeg ...
“I've even got a date tonight,” he says out of nowhere.
My heart sinks even further. “With who?”
“Britt.”
“Who's Britt?”
“Oh, you never met her in person. But you did meet her panties.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, you know – the girl who left her panties in my room.”
I scoff. “Oh. The red thong. Right.”
Classy.
“We have to move on, Cal. Both of us. Like – I dunno what made me do that, last night. But I can't worry about it. I gotta go back to being myself. And you do, too. You've got a secret, and you're right – if it ever came out, it could wreck your career. And uh, if that happens, I don't wanna be seen anywhere near the scene of the crime. Y'know?”
“Wow, thanks,” I mutter. Scene of the crime? Does he mean the death scene of my career? Because if so, wow, talk about a motivating speech. “So that's it, huh.”
“Yeah, dude.” He pauses. “I mean we're still roommates and teammates, and friends too. But, as far as anything else goes ... that's it. I was just curious last night. That's all. Really, it meant nothing.”
“Right. Well ... okay.” I stifle a laugh as we stroll into the hotel. “So what are you gonna do with Britt?”
“I dunno. She's coming over later. We'll do dinner and a movie. Maybe something afterward. We'll see.”
“Cool,” I say icily.
“Yeah.”
“So what are you gonna do today?” Vance asks me as the elevator doors close. I know he's trying to be polite and nice, trying to move on from what we've done. But it's just not that easy for me.
“I think I'm gonna find a new place. Tired of living in this hotel.” I say, hoping I've cut at him.
“Cool,” Vance says icily.
“Yeah.”
***
“WELP, SEE YA LATER,” I say to Vance as we pass through the hallway. I don't bother to even make eye contact with him. I shut the door behind me. I feel like screaming, but – no, that won't do, because he's right through this wall and would hear me and that'd be even more embarrassing.
Maybe Vance is right. That it's time to move on. I never would've stayed in this hotel all this time if it weren't for him, anyway. And he's right. It's ridiculous – thinking that anything could happen between us.
But still. Even though I'm pissed as hell at him right now? I'm a little surprised ... that he was able to talk about it so ... so clearly. And without acting like he was forced into doing something he didn't want to do. Or blame me for taking advantage of him. Or something like that.
Instead, he seems to even hint that – that he might have liked it. But he can't allow himself to go down that road.
He's either a far stronger man than I am. Or he's lying.
I dunno which it is, but I'm done getting my hopes up.
I look up a few different realtor agencies in the cities. I book an appointment with the one that says they can start showing me places today. Sounds great. The sooner the better.
But before I head out, I need to make a call. I get out my cell phone and dial Grams' number.
“Hey Grams.”
“Callan! I was just thinking about you. How are you?”
“I'm okay.”
“Doesn't sound like it. What happened?”
I sigh. “It's a long story ...”
I tell her about Vance and everything that's gone down. How he defended me all along. How he helped the others on the team accept me. And ... about last night. I spared her the raunchy details, of course. But she's smart. She gets the idea.
She smacks her lips and sighs. “Mm-mm, oh boy.”
“What do you think, Grams?”
“I think he likes you. But ...”
“Yeah, but. There's always a but.”
“But he's in a difficult place, Callan. And so are you. He's right, you've both gotta focus on hockey.”
I hear giggling coming through the wall. I figure it must be Britt's giggles. I heard someone knock on his door a half-hour ago. Must've been her. Her laughs are like a dagger in my heart.
Apparently, Grams can hear the giggling, too. “Is someone in there with you? Are you having a party?”
“No,” I sigh. “I gotta go, Grams. I've got an appointment to look at some apartments in the city.”
“Oh, good, that'll help take your mind off things! Alright, Callan, good luck. And remember, I love you.”
“Love you too Grams.”
***
I'M JUST LEAVING MY room when I hear Vance's door open, followed by the hum of his low voice and his date's high-pitched, relentless assault of giggles.
Shit, I think, trying to pull my door shut in a hurry. But it's too late. She's spotted me.
“Hey?” Britt giggles, looking my direction but still talking to Vance. “Isn't that ...? Isn't that Callan Jones?!”
“Oh, er, yeah, it is,” Vance chuckles. Then he speaks to me. “Hey, Callan! Come here, I want you to meet a fan.”
I turn and look. Britt's all over him.
“(A fan?)” she giggles at him privately, and jabs Vance in the gut with her elbow.
“(Well?)” he raises his palm at her.
She's a pretty girl. Long, strawberry blonde hair. She's wearing a terribly short mini-skirt and a low-cut shirt that shows both her bare midriff and plenty of cleavage.
Here's your trophy, Vance, I think. Doesn't leave much to the imagination, but there she is.
I swallow my pride down and walk over. Flash my fake-ass smile.
“Hey, I'm Callan.”
“Hey Callan! I know. I love your game. I'm Britt. So nice to meet you.”
Her hand shoots out towards me eagerly. I shake it. She gives my hand a discreet, double pump squeeze.
C'mon, Vance, I think. Sure, she's pretty, and she's obviously got sex appeal. But she's got that look in her eyes that the jersey-chasers get. I dunno how to describe it. It's just obvious what she's after.
Or maybe I'm just a catty bitch. Sigh.
“So you live here too?” Britt asks.
“For now,” I say. “I'm actually on my way out to look at apartments.”
“You should find one for this guy, too,” she giggles and presses her back into Vance's torso. She grabs his arm and wraps it around her front. “Can you believe he's lived here his whole career? How bachelor, right?”
She's a whole head shorter than him, and her head nestles perfectly under his chin. And seeing her fit so snugly against him, like a puzzle piece, makes a rage of jealousy sweep over me. I do my best to hide it, turning my chin upwards and looking away.
“Well, he is the most eligible, right?” I sigh. “Alright, well, you two have fun.” I might have said it, but I certainly didn't mean it.
“Thanks! Good luck!” Britt says in her overly-cheerful manner.
“Bye,” Vance says quietly.
Yeah. Bye.