It was gone one o’clock in the morning, and Reenie lay rigidly in bed, her eyes wide open, as images of Colin and Jimmy swept through her mind, and humiliation and self-recrimination raced through her veins. She’d known something wasn’t right, and yet she’d continued blithely on. Stupid, stupid, Reenie. Why hadn’t she listened to her instinct? Or, at least listened to Wilf.
Bloody Wilf. Why could he never just say what he meant? And why did he wait until one of the worst days of her life to tell her what he was feeling? Strangely, it was this thought that made her heart hurt. All these years she’d secretly pined for him, and when he finally said the words she’d longed to hear, it was too late. After everything that had happened, she couldn’t contemplate ever trusting anyone again.
She tried to imagine what life would be like for her from now on, and the prospect of standing behind the counter having to endure the pitying looks of the customers made her want to weep. Her future would be forever tainted by what had happened, and she knew there’d be a fair few who’d always be happy to remind her.
She imagined herself walking along the street, while people stopped to whisper and laugh behind her back. The thought of living constantly under the shadow of what had happened was just too awful.
Well, she wouldn’t have it! She had her life, didn’t she? A life that could so easily have been snuffed out just a few days ago. What did love matter in comparison to that? It was life that counted right now. And she refused to allow herself to be destroyed by this scandal.
She hopped out of bed and pulled her suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe. Opening it on the bed, she threw in her few clothes and toiletries. Then she scribbled a quick note to her aunt and uncle. She hated to upset them like this, but she couldn’t stay in Dover. Instead, she’d dedicate herself to helping the war effort in the only way she knew how: she’d join the land army.
Once her packing was done, she dressed in her warmest clothes, then crept down the stairs and walked out into the cold, dark night. There was only one more thing she needed to do. She had no idea whether Wilf would be there tonight, but she had to try.
Going round to the back of the fish shop, she picked up a handful of gravel. The action almost made her smile as it brought back memories of long ago, when she’d been happy, and love had seemed so tantalisingly within her grasp.
There was no answer, so she turned on her torch and scrabbled around for the largest stones she could find. Then she tried again. This time, the window opened. ‘Reenie?’
‘Who else would it be?’ she hissed back.
‘Five minutes.’
He crept up on her so silently, she didn’t even notice he was there until he caught her in his arms. ‘You came,’ he whispered against her ear.
She tried to step back, but his arms tightened around her.
‘I came to say goodbye.’
‘No! Please don’t go.’
‘It’s too late, Wilf. I can’t stay here, knowing that everyone’s whispering about me. Pitying me.’
He drew in a deep breath. ‘None of this was your fault, Reens.’
‘Really? It feels very much like it was. But I wanted to know one thing. Just so I don’t feel quite so unlovable. Did you mean it? What you said today about always loving me?’
‘Of course I did.’ His head bent towards her and he caught her lips with his, kissing her so passionately that she was left in no doubt. ‘Will you reconsider? Get an annulment and marry me instead?’
Oh, she was tempted. But everything was too raw, and she still couldn’t trust him.
‘I can’t. I need to make myself proud. Shake off this shame. Prove to myself that I’m as worthy of love as the next woman.’
‘But you are,’ he said earnestly, trying to kiss her again, but she dodged away.
‘I don’t believe you. You rejected me and ran off with my sister. Jim rejected me to run off with Colin, for God’s sake! I need to find my self-respect. Without it, it doesn’t matter how much you tell me you love me, I will never believe you.’
‘Will you come back?’ he asked in a small voice.
‘Maybe. Maybe not. Wait for me if you like, Wilf, but if I do come back, I won’t be the same woman. I might even have found someone else to love – or you might have. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.’
He sighed and drew her into his arms. ‘I understand. And it’s what I would expect. You’ve always been brave, Reenie. Brave and loving. I’m willing to take a risk on that.’
She put her arms around his waist and hugged him to her, wishing everything could be different. Neither of them had been brave. At any point in the past few years, one of them could have taken the chance to confess their feelings. But they’d stayed silent.
Well, her silent days were over.
‘Where will you go?’ he asked softly.
She shrugged against his chest. ‘Wherever the first train takes me. That is, if they’ve repaired the line by now. If not, I’ll just stay at the station till they have.’
‘Let me walk you there.’
‘No.’ She let go and bent to pick up her suitcase. ‘I need to do this by myself. Please take care, Wilf. And if you run into Colin out in the sea again, tell him . . . tell him I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt him.’
Then she walked into the night, the searchlights guiding her way. And for the first time in a while, she felt a tiny flutter of anticipation and hope rise within her.