Chapter 4
The Social Game
Never stop being you because you are trying to “fit in” with some group. You’ll just make yourself miserable! —Madison, age 15
Now that you have started the journey toward your authentic self, it’s time to focus on the first leg of the journey—social connections. Human beings are social creatures by nature. As social organisms, one of our most basic needs is to feel like we belong, like we can and do relate to others within a social context. It is a huge part of who we are.
But what happens when you can’t connect for one reason or another? What happens when you don’t feel comfortable around others, or when you feel like people don’t understand you?
This chapter explores the various aspects of social relatedness and how to draw comfort from others in a healthy way, as well as why this is a critical skill. But first, it’s time to test your social savvy in the following scenario.
What Would You Do?
You don’t consider yourself a very sociable person. In fact, if it was up to you, you’d keep to yourself or spend any free time reading, as opposed to hanging out with other kids. Your parents think that you struggle with making friends. But from your perspective, you just aren’t comfortable around people. They make you feel “prickly” inside and create feelings of anxiety whenever you have to spend long periods of time in social situations.
Now, your parents have asked you—no, told you—to get involved in more activities, an idea that makes you squirm.
What do you do? Ignore your parents’ request? Choose something, anything, and then drop out? Decide your parents are right and try to get more involved? Talk with your parents about your feelings and try to get them to back off?
Take a moment and write down what you would do to navigate through this scenario.
Comfort With Many and With a Few
As I mentioned earlier, not everyone has the same level of comfort with other people. Some of you may need social connections as much as you need air, thriving on the social scene as a source of energy and renewal. Others of you may view social situations as horrible moments you have to endure. And many of you fall somewhere in between.
In truth, all of us tend toward one extreme or the other. The easiest way to figure out which is true for you is to first look at how you naturally renew your emotional self. In other words, are you energized or drained by extended periods around other people?
If social connections are energizing to you, you may find that you need to talk with friends or adults in order to feel rejuvenated. You may want to retell your day, talk through your problems out loud, and hang out with others just to relax. In fact, you may feel more anxious or stressed when you are alone.
For those of you who need solitude in order to emotionally renew, you may tend to shy away from too many social contacts. You may get cranky when you are around people for too long. In fact, you will likely prefer to be alone, reading a book or writing in a journal instead of talking through your problems with others.
It’s important to know which of the two extremes is more representative of you. This information can help you better determine when to insert yourself into a social situation and when it may be best to simply be alone. Complete the short worksheet that follows to help you determine whether you are more extroverted, meaning you often renew through social contact, or introverted, meaning you renew through solitude.
The Girl Guide
Worksheet #5: How I Recharge
Directions: Take a few minutes to answer the questions below to determine if you need social isolation in order to truly renew or if you thrive off of social connections. At the end, reflect on your answers.
Your mom asks you about your day the second you get in the car after a very busy day. Do you:
Answer briefly and close your eyes, desperate for a little quiet?
Chat with her openly about every little detail about the day?
Other: _________________________________________
You are assigned to a group for a project at school. Do you:
Ask the teacher if you can do the project alone? You’ll do it better by yourself.
Get excited and talk with everyone in the group?
Other :_________________________________________
You are new to your school. Do you:
Watch and hang back a bit, just to understand the social dynamics?
Jump in and make friends?
Other: _________________________________________
When you are alone after a busy day, would you rather:
Read a book or listen to music alone in your room?
Sit and talk with your mom or sibling or hang out with a friend?
Other: _________________________________________
Look over your answers. If you said that you mostly like to go it alone, you are more introverted. If social connections are the key to your renewal, you are more likely an extrovert. Understanding which dynamic is true for you can help you plan for opportunities to recharge. What are some ways you can renew?
After the worksheet is complete, take a moment to think about some of the important people in your life. Just as you tend more toward introversion or extroversion, so do they. Knowing what is true for them can help you know how to respect their needs as well.
Social Savvy
Part of developing strong social connections and deriving comfort from those relationships is developing a little social savvy. Before we jump into what that means, I want you to complete the following worksheet, Social Savvy Smarts, and identify both your strengths and difficulties in the social arena.
Now that you have a clearer picture of your particular social skills development, take a moment and identify your areas of strength and areas you need to improve. What can you do to develop some of your weaker skills? Complete Activity #6 and make a game plan of how you will develop some of your social skills.
The Girl Guide Activity #6
Social Diva 101
Directions: Follow the steps below to help you find your social savvy.
1. Using the Social Savvy Smarts worksheet as a guide, pick 5–10 rules you think are important in terms of making and keeping friends.
2. On a card or in your journal, write down your social rules.
3. Decorate your list with things that remind you of each rule.
4. Read the list anytime you feel a little awkward in social situations. You may want to add the list to the Notes section of your phone so it’s handy when you don’t know what to do about a social challenge.
When Comfort Can’t Be Found
As I mentioned at the start of the chapter, human beings are social organisms requiring social connections in order to thrive. Comfort within these connections can make a big difference on the road to your authentic self. But sometimes, finding this comfort is a challenge.
Feeling secure in social situations is a factor of both your temperament and your individual social skills development. Although you won’t change how you’re hard-wired (extroverted or introverted), your ability to develop your social skills and your ability to deal with social anxiety will most certainly impact your depth of comfort with others—and ultimately, your ability to thrive along your personal self-discovery journey.
For some of you, the level of discomfort with others is extreme, preventing you from feeling okay in most social situations. Keeping in mind some of the techniques you learned in the previous chapters, like the My Boundaries activity, read through the Social Anxiety Busters tool below. Take a few minutes in your journal to reflect on ways that this tool can help you conquer your social discomfort and learn to derive more strength from your social connections.
The Girl Guide
Worksheet #6
Social Savvy Smarts
Directions: Fill in the following chart to note which social skills you agree and disagree with.
| Skill | I agree | I disagree |
| I say “please” and “thank you”. | ||
| I take turns in a conversation. | ||
| I let other people lead a conversation from time to time. | ||
| I am comfortable starting a new conversation. | ||
| In class, I am comfortable working in a group. | ||
| At a party, I am comfortable meeting new people. | ||
| When I disagree with a friend or teacher, I c an calmly express my point of view. | ||
| Arguments do not last long with my friends. | ||
| I understand the “social rules” with my friends. | ||
| When my friends and I argue, I am usually the one to make things better. |
Tool #3
Social Anxiety Busters
Focus on healthy living including appropriate eating, sleeping, and exercise routines.
Spend time relaxing every day.
Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. Positive self-talk will help combat any social anxiety.
Be mindful and realistic in your point of view.
If you find yourself particularly stressed over a specific event, mentally rehearse the event, focusing on successfully completing the activity.
Note to Self: Choose to Be a Source of Positive Change
Life can be hard and people can be cruel. But the world can also be profoundly beautiful. And people can astound you with their capacity for kindness. Always be aware of the darkness and danger, but live for the wonder that each day brings. Treat people the way you would like to be treated and see the good in all situations. Choose to be a source of positive change in the world. —Elle Horne
Feeling comfortable around other people isn’t something that comes easily for everyone. But whether you’re a social butterfly or social misfit, believing that there are people in your corner to support you and feeling comfortable enough to accept their help can make a huge difference in your ability to face life’s challenges. Additionally, seeing yourself as competent in social domains can help give you the confidence you need as you search for your authentic self.
As the earlier scenario may suggest, lots of things impact your comfort with other people including your temperament, overall social savvy, and resources to combat anxiety. Think about the opening scenario and the things you have learned in this chapter as you reflect on and answer the questions that follow.
My Voice
Keeping in mind the authentic you inside, answer the following:
Am I comfortable around others? Why or why not?
Think of a time when you have felt comfortable with others. What was something good that came out of the experience? Were you helped in some way?
Think of your friends and their temperaments. Does knowing more about their comfort help you in any way? How?