Chapter 5
Team Me
I really need to embrace who I am instead of putting myself down because I don’t really fit in. —Samantha, age 14
Feeling comfortable with others is only one part of strengthening your social connectedness. Trusting that people will be there to support you through thick and thin, as well as trusting that others will not negatively judge you or treat you in a disingenuous way also have the power to impact your ability to connect with others.
As we begin to go deeper and explore the different ways that the adults and friends in your life can support Team Me, I want to start by examining the following scenario related to trust.
What Would You Do?
Something is wrong with Katie! Friends since you were both in kindergarten, Katie isn’t acting much like a friend now that you’re in eighth grade. She is nice when your mom carpools you both to gymnastics, but shuns you as soon as your mom drives off. At school, she acts as if she doesn’t know you. Worse, she acts like you are the worst thing on campus. You’ve tried to talk with her about how you feel, but every time you bring it up she says you’re imagining things.
Recently, Katie started ignoring you during carpool, too, talking on the phone or putting in her earbuds as soon as she gets in the car. You are ready to call it quits to the friendship, but you’re worried that there isn’t anyone else who knows you as well as she does. You don’t make friends easily, and the thought of putting yourself out there is enough to make you ill.
What do you do? Change who you are to try to fit in with Katie? Tell your parents in the hopes that they can fix whatever is wrong? Risk rejection to make new friends? Just deal with your problems alone—who needs friends anyway?
Take a moment and write down what you would do.
Building a Network of Support
I mentioned in the last chapter that human beings are social organisms, predisposed to develop relationships. We need a sense of community in order to thrive—people that we believe understand us and will support us through the difficult times.
Sadly, not every girl feels a strong sense of support in her daily life. Sometimes this happens as a result of events that tear apart the family and home environment. Sometimes this happens due to barriers involving medical conditions of one form or another. And sometimes this happens because you just don’t see the support around you, even when it is there.
My aunt died last year. She was a really important person to me. After I lost her, I felt like I had no one who really understood me. No one I could lean on. It wasn’t until my mom made me make a list of the people in my life that I felt close to that I realized that I still had a good support system. —Lina, age 17
In order for you to feel supported and to benefit from that support, you first need to recognize all of the resources you have. Home, school, church, sports—these are all venues that can provide connections and support. Take a moment to work through Worksheet #7 and see how many people you can identify as sources of possible support in your life.
The Girl Guide
My Support System
Directions: Take a few minutes to use the guidelines below to determine what makes up your support system.
1. List all of the places you spend time during the week, including school, church, and family time.
a. __________________________________
b. __________________________________
c. __________________________________
d. __________________________________
e. __________________________________
f. __________________________________
2. For each place, list as many people as you can that you feel safe with, people who understand and support you.
3. Reread the list, adding and subtracting people as you grow and change.
4. Use the list to assist you with the next activity.
Once you’ve gone through the worksheet and isolated the people who can serve as your support system, it’s time to add it to your journal. Follow the activity My Circle of Support and create a picture that can be a reminder of everyone who makes up Team Me.
The Girl Guide Activity #7
My Circle of Support
Directions: Follow the steps below to create a circle of supportive individuals in your life.
1. Write the word “Me” in the center of the circle. Fill in each line with the name of someone who is part of “Team Me”—people you know you can turn to if you need support or guidance. Pull from the list in the previous worksheet for help if you need it.
2. Revisit and adjust the circle of support as needed.
The journey toward your inner self can often feel like a lonely endeavor. Knowing that you have supporters on the journey can make the difference between staying the course and abandoning your efforts. On those hard days—and yes, there will be some very difficult moments on the path toward your authentic self—pull out your journal and reflect on your Circle of Support. These are your cheerleaders, your fangirls, your peeps. These are the people who will have your back and root for you, no matter what.
Trust Yourself
Sometimes your support system lets you down. They may even abandon you as you become more of your authentic self and less the person they thought they knew. When this happens, it may be difficult for you to trust new friends or supporters. It may even be difficult for you to trust yourself. This reaction is completely understandable.
And not entirely correct.
When friendships change and you no longer have the support you once thought you had, it’s important to regroup and remember the truth of what you have. Odds are your friends haven’t really left. And if they have, there’s a good chance you can find new friends. And when in doubt, you can rely on your own internal strengths to get you through. The key is remembering that you have options—many options—including learning to appreciate yourself and everything that means.
In the first chapters, you took some time to discover the various aspects of you. Go back and read your journal entries. Appreciate who you are at your core, not who you think others want you to be. When you can accept yourself and your friends for who they are, and when you are willing to trust that who you are is enough, that is when you truly begin to connect and when you strengthen and develop that aspect of resiliency.
Tool #4
Accepting Your Friends, Warts and All
Think about your friends and some of their habits that frustrate you.
Focus on one behavior that is frustrating to you, not the person.
Write down the behavior that is concerning.
Write down a few reasons why that friend may engage in those behaviors.
Decide if the behavior is a big deal, something you can’t get past, or a little annoyance. If it is a big deal, talk with your friend to work it out. If it is a little annoyance, consider just letting it go.
Being Enough
Trusting yourself and others requires more than acceptance. It requires the inner belief that you and your friends are enough just as you are. This is a very difficult concept for most people to grasp.
I want to share a little story with you about a girl named Tina I once knew; an awkward and shy girl, Tina struggled with making social connections. There were lots of reasons for this, but mostly it just came down to a lack of trust that she was enough as she was. A lack of acceptance of herself.
Tina spent a lot of her middle school years trying to fit in with others, changing her interests, dressing and acting differently. None of it worked. No matter how hard she tried to be someone other than who she was, her larger-than-life personality always managed to give herself away and reveal her authentic self, whether she wanted that or not.
It took Tina more than 20 years to finally grow into that large personality. And even as an adult, she continued to struggle with her sense of self, still retreating into the same question that plagued her as a child: “Am I enough?”
I want to take a minute to tell Tina, and you, that you are enough as you are right now. Period. Could you achieve more, do more, be more? Sure. But that isn’t the question, is it? The question was, are you enough? To that I say a resounding YES.
There is a great book for babies and toddlers entitled On the Day That You Were Born by Debra Frasier. In it, the author explains the basics of gravity, the tides, the moon, and other worldly phenomena as she welcomes humanity to the planet. It is a poignant little book and illustrates the “You’re enough” message with profound beauty.
Take a moment and reflect on the concept of being enough as you are. Think about how your friends are enough right now too. Then complete the next activity and make a few friendship cards for your friends. Don’t forget to make one for the most important friend you will ever have—you!
The Girl Guide Activity #8
“We Are Enough” Friendship Cards
Directions: Using the directions below, create a series of cards that reflect your relationships.
1. In your journal, make a list of your friends.
2. For each friend, make two lists: one of the things she (or he!) likes to do, another of the reasons you think she is a good friend.
3. For each friend, make a separate page in your journal for or write on a card phrases that express both her interests and the reasons she is a good friend.
4. Add photos or drawings of you and your friends to each page or card.
5. Refer back to the pages/cards any time things feel a little strained with a friend. You may even turn the cards into real greeting cards and stick them in your friend’s locker or backpack as a surprise to let her know how awesome you think she is!
6. To take this activity further, make movies of your friends using the pictures and music that represents your friendship. Watch the movies anytime you need to remember all of the reasons you are friends.
Note to Self: Respect Yourself
Respect yourself first and foremost. It’s easy to say, but hard to do. You are wonderful, unique, and beautiful in ways you can’t even imagine. Never let anyone tell you different, but at the same time don’t forget to remain humble and treat others with kindness. Stand up for yourself; don’t wait for others to do it. —Heather McCorkle
Taking time to acknowledge and develop your support system is one of the most valuable things you can do along the journey inward. Begin with reviewing the My Support System worksheet and My Circle of Support activity. Revisit the friendship cards. And take time to remember that you have everything you need with you, right now. The trick is getting in touch with that inner voice enough to hear it and believing that you are enough right now as you are. As you grow and strengthen these attributes, your ability to connect to others and derive support will also strengthen.
The next chapter focuses on tolerance and respect. Before we proceed, take a moment and reflect on the earlier scenarios and the various activities throughout the chapter as you complete the self-reflection questions that follow.
My Voice
Keeping in mind the authentic you inside, answer the following:
Name someone you can trust completely. What has this person done that tells you that he or she is trustworthy?
How hard was it for you to develop a circle of support? Do you find it difficult to rely on others? Why or why not?
I spoke a lot about being “enough” as you are. How did you feel when you first read the phrase? Was it hard to accept that truth about yourself? Why or why not?