Chapter 6
Social Acceptance 101
Never put people in a box, or let yourself be put in a box. You are whoever you’d like to be. Don’t settle for less. —Kaitlyn, age 17
The last aspect of social connectedness I want to discuss relates to respect and tolerance. Building on the acceptance concepts from the previous chapter, respect and tolerance relate to how you view the world and how you want other people to view you.
Take a look at the next scenario as you think about your definitions of respect and tolerance. Then decide, what would you do?
What Would You Do?
You have a lot of friends from many different backgrounds and personality types at school. At lunch, two of your friends tell you that they don’t like another member of the group. In fact, they put a lot of pressure on you to ditch the friend, threatening to leave if you don’t tell your friend to find a different group to have lunch with. You don’t want to hurt your friend, but you don’t want to lose your other friends either.
What do you do? Tell your friends to get over themselves? Tell the other friend you’ll hang out with her at a different time? Nothing?
Take a moment and write down what you would do to navigate through this sticky situation.
Needs and Wants
One of the cornerstones of building connections relates to your tolerance for other people and your willingness to try to see things from their perspective. We live in a big world with people of differing backgrounds and points of view. And each and every person, including you, has a right to her unique perspective. Recognizing and accepting others’ needs can be very difficult, especially if their needs and wants differ or are in contradiction to your own.
So what do you do? How do you let someone else have her own point of view and opinion when it is so different from your own? Is her perspective wrong simply because it is different? Do her needs outweigh yours somehow?
The answer you give to these questions may strongly influence your ability to connect with others and the path your inward journey takes.
In truth, no one person’s needs supersede the needs of another. The trick is figuring out how to balance another person’s needs with your own. The first step is in distinguishing a true need from a want.
A need is something you cannot live without, whereas a want is something you desire. Granted, you may really, really desire something like earning a good grade on a test or being part of a certain profession. But those are not needs; you don’t require them in order to live.
No matter how strong a want, it never supersedes someone’s needs.
Figuring out how to balance your needs with the needs of others can be tough. It takes a lot of practice in order to recognize the difference between a need and a want. And it can be very difficult to give up your wants in favor of someone else’s needs. Take a moment and complete the Needs vs. Wants worksheet. Practice telling the difference between the two, and in no time you’ll learn how to get your needs met while still respecting the needs of others.
Tolerant Is as Tolerant Does
When you begin recognizing other people’s needs, you may find that you naturally become more tolerant and respectful of other people in general. And that is a huge step in a positive direction toward establishing healthy relationships that can help you thrive.
Tolerance not only relates to your tolerance of others, however. In terms of your journey inward and building strong relationships, tolerance also refers to your belief that you can express your ideas safely, especially when they differ from another person’s. It’s about mutual tolerance, and it is best achieved through the establishment of a respectful environment.
But how do you create a respectful setting? How do you ensure that you are respected?
Respect begins with many of the things we’ve already discussed—having appropriate boundaries, distinguishing between wants and needs, and having trust and support. It also involves perspective taking—understanding that there are many points of view to any situation. Cultivating the flexibility necessary to see the world from many points of view can lead to an understanding and tolerance of others, as well as cultivating increased respect. Take a moment to complete the Fresh Perspectives activity to help you build this flexibility.
The Girl Guide
Worksheet #8
Needs vs. Wants
Directions: Go through and list as many items or events as you can think of related to home and school. These are things you may want and/or need. Then go through and indicate if it is a need or a want and why. Any time something comes up that you think you need, add it to the list and really think about whether or not it is a need or a want.
| Event or Item | Need | Want |
| Get a Facebook account. | My teachers use Facebook as a way to communicate information about my extracurricular activities. | |
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The Girl Guide Activity #9
Fresh Perspectives
Directions: The following list will give you some activities you can try in order to develop the habit of taking a new perspective from time to time.
1. The next time you read a story, pretend you are one of the characters and write a few sentences about what it is like to be that character.
2. Grab a camera or your journal and take a picture of a flower from three perspectives—far away, normal, and extremely close up. What did you notice about the different perspectives?
3. Draw three pictures of your room from three different perspectives. What did you learn about each point of view?
4. Role-play an argument with a friend. Then switch characters. Did your perspective of the argument change in any way?
I never understand why people struggle to accept each other. The way I see if, we are all in this together, right? We have a lot more in common that we may think. —Raeleen, age 12
Learning to view the world from many different points of view will broaden your own view and allow you to go deeper as you search for your authentic and unique place in the world. And it will help you respect others.
Respect is defined by Merriam-Webster as the “act of giving attention or holding in high regard.” In other words, taking the time to consider another person and her needs. Sounds like everything we’ve been talking about, right? Respect leads to trust. And trust builds tolerance. All of it leads to stronger connections and better resiliency. It also fosters authenticity.
Complete the next worksheet, Thinking About Respect, and test out your respect know-how.
Friendship Drama
Respect and tolerance can go a long way to ward off some of the typical drama associated with middle and high school. But being a good problem solver can also come in handy when it comes to friendships. Making and maintaining friends requires that we are both aware of our own ideas and behaviors and respectful of our friends’ ideas and behaviors. This can be challenging, especially if you have not taken the time to understand yourself deeply.
Friends have the uncanny ability to be a mirror for us, reflecting back some of the more uncomfortable aspects of ourselves. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and even anger. You may react by lashing out at your friends for silly reasons, not recognizing that you aren’t really mad at them per se, just embarrassed or ashamed about the things their behavior is reflecting back in you.
The Girl Guide
Worksheet #9: Thinking About Respect
Directions: Take a moment and read over the questions below. For each one, choose the answer that best reflects what you would do, not what you think should be done. We’ll reflect on your answers at the end of the exercise.
Scenario #1: Your friend has just given a presentation in class in which you noticed a lot of mistakes regarding the information she has presented. Do you:
a. Point out the mistakes during the presentation?
b. Talk to your friend afterward and point out the mistakes?
c. Let the teacher handle it. It really isn’t your place to correct your classmate, even if she is your friend.
d. Other: ___________________________________________
Scenario #2: Your friend is having a hard day and is crying. Do you:
a. Ignore her completely and walk away?
b. Ask her what’s wrong and insist on helping her settle down?
c. Ask her what’s wrong, but step away if she asks you to give her some space?
d. Other: ___________________________________________
Scenario #3: Your friend just got a new outfit and wore it to school—and it is horrible! Do you:
a. Tell her it’s hideous?
b. Tell her you don’t like it, but it looks okay on her?
c. Don’t say anything unless she asks, and then ask her if she likes it.
d. Other: ___________________________________________
Scenario #4: Your friend walks into the last period of the day totally upset. A mutual friend completely bashed her during lunch. Do you:
a. Tell her to just ignore it, it’ll blow over eventually?
b. Help her plot her revenge?
c. Try to make her feel better without getting involved?
d. Other: ___________________________________________
Take a moment to look over your answers. Do you behave in a way that promotes respect? Are there things you need to work on?
One way to combat this type of situation is to remember the My Boundaries activity from Chapter 3. You may not be able to control how your friends act, but you can certainly control your response. The next time you feel angry and frustrated toward a friend, take a minute to ask yourself why. Is she reflecting back something that bothers you? Are you mad at her or embarrassed at yourself? Taking a few moments to take stock will go a long way to preventing unnecessary drama and taking responsibility for your own actions.
Problems and disagreements are bound to happen in relationships. It’s normal. How you deal with the problem is what matters. Do you play the blame game and focus on who is right or wrong in the situation? Or do you focus on solving the problem itself? Generally speaking, you can’t be right and solve problems at the same time.
When you engage in blaming behavior, you aren’t focusing on problem solving. Nor are you communicating that you care about the relationship. But when you decide that it doesn’t matter who is at fault, when you just focus on moving forward, that is when everything shifts. Now, you are in a position to hear the concerns your friend has, compromise solutions to the problem, and move in a positive direction. Focusing on solutions requires both parties to be willing to be a little wrong in order to move forward. It also requires abandoning blame in order to focus on problems within the relationship itself and strategizing solutions. This may mean that you will have to let go of the things that hurt you, shift your thinking, and focus on preventing future problems.
Being a problem solver also taps into perspective taking. As I mentioned before, this can be difficult. Think of it like a kaleidoscope—sometimes all you need to do to figure out a problem is turn the knob a bit and view things from a new angle.
Take a minute and reflect on your problem solving know-how. Then complete Activity #10 to remind yourself to focus on solutions.
The Girl Guide Activity #10
Being Solution Focused
Directions: Use the steps below to help you find solutions to your problems.
1. On a card or in your journal, write down the problem you are facing.
2. Underneath the problem, begin to brainstorm every possible solution you can think of. Do not edit the list.
3. Every time you catch yourself saying “I don’t know” inside, ask yourself this question: “If I did know, what would I say?”, then begin to write what your next thoughts are.
4. Evaluate your potential solutions and pick three that could work to solve the problem.
5. Pick a solution and implement it.
6. Remain flexible—if the solution you picked doesn’t solve the problem, try another one.
7. Be willing to ask for help if you need it.
Note to Self: Ask for Help and Give Help
Life is hard. It just is. And it’s okay to admit that and ask for help when you need it. Know yourself. Trust yourself. And reach out to others, getting to know and trust them. We are all part of a larger community. —Abby Mohaupt
We’ve talked a lot about acceptance, tolerance, and being authentic in this chapter. As girls, you face a lot of pressure from peers and society to conform to a particular way of acting. And when you don’t, when you fail to be ladylike or live up to some stereotype of what that means, you may lose a little of the progress you have made toward your authentic self. But remember this—you are the only one who gets to decide what is authentic for you and what is not. I don’t decide that, and neither does anyone else. Only you.
It’s a big responsibility, being in charge of yourself. And yes, you will be influenced by those around you, including your parents and friends. But ultimately it is you who will decide what is right and what is wrong. You will determine your future, whether you mean to or not. And you will decide who you are on the inside.
So how will you define your life? Will you learn to embrace others’ differences and unique qualities and let that strengthen both you and your relationships? Will you be gentle to yourself and your friends? Will you trust that you have a strong support system?
It is certainly harder to do these things. It takes commitment to walk the path of acceptance—commitment to defend those with no voice.
As I stated when you started this journey, the path to one’s unique self is a hard one. And you will need passion and strength to venture out in search of your true self. But the end result will be worth it as you discover just how amazing you can be!
The next section will focus on the development of a positive outlook and attitude. But before we leave the conversation about relationships, take a moment to consider the self-reflection questions that follow.
My Voice
Keeping in mind the authentic you inside, answer the following:
Are you calm when you disagree with others? How do you show your disagreement?
How do you define “fair”? Do you think most people are fair most of the time? Why or why not?
What is the hardest part of being tolerant for you? Why?
Do you consider yourself an accepting person? Why or why not?