The Subtle Power of the Ripple Effect

The Ripple Effect is the effect we have on other human beings, based on what we do (or don’t do), what we say (or don’t say), and how we show up in each moment. Our words and actions naturally ripple out to the people around us—and then to the people around them, and the folks around them. It’s an ongoing interactive process.

Remember the two scenarios about the Ripple Effect from this book’s introduction? In the first example, we cut in front of another driver on the highway. The ripples from that one small event eventually resulted in that driver having to declare bankruptcy. And that bankruptcy created further ripples: misery for her, difficulties for her unpaid creditors, stress between her and her partner, and so on.

In the second scenario, we smiled at the other driver and waved her in front of us. This rippled out in a positive way for years, helping to support her career success—and, as it turned out, ours as well.

The Ripple Effect is as profound as it is subtle.

Noticing the Ripple Effect

Before recovery, we didn’t see the Ripple Effect at all. We were largely unaware of how our behavior affected others. Or, if we were aware, we either denied or ignored the impact we had, or we simply didn’t care.

Early in our recovery, we may not have recognized the Ripple Effect very well. We were focused primarily on our own healing, sanity, and serenity. These were worthwhile goals, of course—but they were still self-oriented.

By the time we did our first Steps Four through Nine, however, we had begun to see how our life and the lives of others are inextricably interwoven. When we first worked Step Nine, we understood this well enough that we didn’t make amends just so we would feel better. We did it because we recognized that our decisions, words, and actions had harmed other people.

Now, as you work Step Ten in your own recovery, you will start to see how all your decisions, words, and actions ripple out and affect others. You’ll also notice how everyone else’s decisions, words, and actions ripple out in the same way.

The Ripple Effect: Part of the Fabric of Life Itself

In his history of AA, Not-God, Ernest Kurtz saw the Ripple Effect at work within each AA group. He described it as “the shared honesty of mutual vulnerability openly acknowledged.”

Maybe you remember a popular movie from the year 2000 called Pay It Forward, starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, and Haley Joel Osment. It offers a moving look at the Ripple Effect in action—as well as an honest depiction of the disease of alcoholism.

As you continue working the Program, the Ripple Effect will become more and more visible to you. Eventually you will see it functioning everywhere at all times. It will seem at once magical and utterly ordinary. It will seem so clear to you that you wonder how people can miss it.

The Ripple Effect in Action

The most obvious form of the Ripple Effect involves our words and actions.

Suppose you repeatedly lie to your business clients or provide them with mediocre service. Because they’ve learned not to trust you, you lose their business. Your income shrinks. Soon you’re unable to continue paying for your son’s tuition at the private college four states away. He has to drop out, leave his girlfriend behind, move back in with you, and go to community college a mile away. A few months later, his girlfriend tells him, “I just can’t do a long-distance romance. We’re done.”

The entire trajectory of your life, and your son’s, has changed because of how you treated your clients.

Let’s turn that around. Let’s say you consistently provide your customers with good value at a fair price. Your business grows. Your son graduates from the private college with honors and marries his girlfriend. Her father becomes an angel investor in your company, which enables it to grow and become even more successful. Once again, the entire trajectory of two lives has changed because of how you treated your clients.

By now you’ve probably noticed that even small changes in what you say and do can sometimes have profoundly different effects on other people. For example, there’s a difference between asking someone with curiosity and concern, “Are you upset with me?” and asking them the very same question with defensiveness and irritation. The first tone of voice is likely to encourage a concerned, caring response that can lead to a resolution of the problem and closer relationship with that person. The second may encourage an angry or dismissive response that escalates into further conflict and alienation. If you’ve done a Tenth Step before you ask, identifying your feelings of fear and defensiveness before you ask the question, and asking your Higher Power to remove any defects associated with those feelings, then you’re more likely to be fully present and genuinely want to know if you’ve done something to upset that person.

I’ve created these simplified examples simply to illustrate how the Ripple Effect works. Real life is of course more complicated and nuanced. Most events have multiple causes and an even larger number of effects.

On any given day, most of us make hundreds of small and large decisions, act in hundreds of different ways, and say hundreds of different things to a wide range of people. Each interaction and conversation has its own Ripple Effect, and we can’t control them all. What we can do is—after having cleaned house with Steps Four through Nine—relax, knowing that we now have the insight and tools with Step Ten to face each day and moment with openness and serenity.

Emilio: Toasting our marriage with Mountain Dew

          It’s been nearly seventeen years since I last drank alcohol.

                I think it’s fair to say, though, that I’m a practicing caffeine addict. It’s been an on-and-off thing for me. I’ll go for a few months drinking a lot of it. Then I’ll be abstinent for a few months to a year. Then I’ll cycle back into lots of caffeine. Usually it’s coffee, sometimes diet soft drinks or tea.

                I’ve had three sponsors over the course of my recovery, and they all said things like, “So you’re a caffeine addict—just like lots of us. Big deal. Just drink your coffee and tea black, and stick to diet soda.”

                It’s weird to get approval for an addiction from my fellow Twelve Steppers, but I understand it. The caffeine does no harm and has no calories—and it helps us stay sober.

                This spring, soon after my wife Judy and I retired, I started drinking a lot of diet Mountain Dew—usually two or three a day. I just find it really refreshing, particularly on hot days.

                At first Judy disapproved of my drinking so much of it. She said the extra caffeine and the aspartame aren’t good for me. Which is probably true. But they’re way better than alcohol.

                She and I drink plenty of coffee together—usually a couple of cups in the morning and one in mid-afternoon. I drink the diet Mountain Dew in addition to the coffee.

                For the first few weeks I drank the diet Mountain Dew in front of her. But she’d give me this look—the same look she used to give me when I drank alcohol. She’d look at the can in my hand, and then at my face, and then back at the can. She wouldn’t say anything, but I could feel the disapproval just oozing out of her.

                So—and I realize how ridiculous this sounds—a couple of months ago I stopped drinking it in front of her. I kept it in the fridge in the garage, and I usually drank it when she was away from the house or in the shower.

                At first I felt resentful about her disapproval, but I got over it. I asked my Higher Power to remove it, and it faded away.

                But if you have a partner, you know that things are never that simple. She didn’t say anything and I didn’t say anything, but a distance started to grow between us. Without saying a word, we communicated through our vibes that we didn’t fully trust each other.

                And there was more going on than just the soda. Judy and I agreed long ago that neither of us would buy anything that cost more than a hundred dollars without the other’s approval. But my friend Steve had a baseball autographed by Hank Aaron that he said he was going to sell online. He offered it to me first for two hundred bucks. I knew I could get at least three hundred for it if I ever sold it, so I said sure and wrote him a check. But I hadn’t told Judy about it yet.

                A few days after that, I bought a case of diet Mountain Dew and hid it behind some tools under my workbench. I didn’t feel guilty or anything. I just didn’t want Judy hassling me about it. I was afraid she’d blow up at me, and then I’d lose it too—all over some god-damn cans of soda.

                Things came to a head the following night. We were having dinner, and just as I took a big swallow of water, Judy said, “Tell me about the two hundred dollar check you wrote to Steve.”

                I almost spat the water across the room. All kinds of feelings came bubbling up. Anger, guilt, indignation—most of all, fear. Even though I hadn’t gone anywhere near alcohol, and had zero desire to take a drink, I felt like somehow I’d been caught boozing.

                That’s when I stopped myself. I took a deep breath, looked at Judy, and said, “Hon, give me a minute.” I closed my eyes, took a few more breaths, and silently asked for spiritual guidance. Then I centered my energy in my heart and reminded myself how much I loved Judy and how important she was to me.

                I opened my eyes. She was looking at me over the top of her glasses, like a teacher who’d caught me copying answers off another’s student’s paper. She raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to speak.

                I said to her, as lovingly as I could, “I’ve been feeling some distance between us these past few weeks. You probably have too.”

                She raised her other eyebrow and said, “You bet your ass I have.”

                I let it tumble out. “The check to Steve was for a baseball signed by Hank Aaron that’s easily worth three hundred bucks on eBay. I should have discussed it with you first. I’m sorry. If you want me to sell it, I’ll sell it.”

                She put her chin on her hands and said, matter-of-factly, “Uh huh. And what else have you been hiding from me?”

                I said, “I drink two or three diet Mountain Dews every day when you’re not watching. I just bought a case and hid it in the garage.”

                “And?” For a split second she looked like she was going to laugh, but she didn’t.

                “That’s all,” I said. “Those are my sins.” I felt calm—but I wondered if it was the calm before the storm.

                Judy cocked her head. She seemed pretty calm herself. “Well,” she said, “I suppose that as sins go, those are pretty paltry.” Then she stood up, kissed the top of my head, and asked, “You want some coffee?”

                At that moment, something shifted inside me. I was totally centered and quiet inside as I stood up. Then I kissed her on the mouth. Then I said, “No. I want a diet Mountain Dew. I don’t have the same feelings about it as you do. I enjoy it, and I’m not hiding it from you anymore.”

                I went out to the garage, grabbed the case, and put it on top of the fridge. I took out a few cans and put them inside.

                A week later, when Judy came home from the grocery store, I went out to the garage to help her unload. Sitting on the back seat was a case of diet Mountain Dew.

Life as a Sea of Interacting Ripples

So far, I’ve discussed the most visible and obvious aspects of the Ripple Effect. But, as you may have begun to discover, there are many other aspects as well. As Step Ten becomes a natural part of your life, more and more examples of the Ripple Effect will become visible. Let’s take a close look at some of them.

The Ripple Effect of Your Presence

Behind what you say and do and decide is your presence: how you show up and what you notice in each moment.

Addiction is the opposite of presence. Practicing addicts’ behavior disconnects them from other people and removes them from the present moment. Their focus is entirely on themselves—what they want, how to get it, and, if they don’t feel good, how to feel better as quickly and expediently as possible. This self-centeredness ripples out into the world in all directions, harming one person after another.

When you first worked Steps One through Nine, all of this changed in your life. Your focus was no longer on serving yourself. It was on accepting the care and guidance of a Higher Power. As a result, you began to show up differently. You started to care about and empathize with other people. You began to live in the present instead of in your grudges and fears from the past or your hopes and fears for the future. All of this rippled out into the world—in a positive way.

Now, as you continue to work Step Ten (and the Steps that follow it), your focus is no longer on your own transformation. It is on serving and carrying out spiritual direction. You are learning to return to the present moment; to pay close, careful attention; to connect with others; to get out of your own way; to ask your Higher Power for guidance; and to follow that guidance.

Or, as the Big Book puts it, “To be helpful is our only aim. . . Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery” (pages 89 and 97). Day by day, we grow in understanding and effective ness and service. Eventually all of this becomes natural, even automatic. And all of it ripples out into the in a profoundly positive way—a way that supports others’ sanity and serenity.

The Ripple Effect of Your Energy

Remember when you went to your first Twelve Step meetings? You probably met some people you immediately liked, and perhaps envied. They seemed at once serene, humble, down-to-earth, and comfortable with themselves. They had nothing to prove and no axes to grind. Their very presence told you that they had found a way to live effectively in this world. At the time you might have thought, I want to be like that.

Some people describe this aspect of the Ripple Effect as the energy or vibrations we generate. Others call it our way of being. In his book The Sermon on the Mount, Emmet Fox calls it “the intangible influence that you radiate at large.” We’re physical creatures, made of matter and energy, so we naturally sometimes pick up on the energy that ripples out from others. You can interpret this as you like. Maybe it’s vibrational or energetic, but not scientifically measurable with our current tools; maybe it’s purely cognitive, but extremely subtle; maybe it’s mystical; maybe it’s some combination. Whatever it is, though, it’s real—and it has deep spiritual implications for our lives.

Louis: How ripples can affect the workplace

          This story involves me and a former boss, who I’ll call Evelyn. This took place when she was new to the job and wanted to make some changes. Many of these were good changes. But Evelyn also wanted to change how the duties of my job were configured.

                This surprised me, because I’d always gotten good performance reviews from Wally, my previous boss, and good to great evaluations from the people I worked with. It seemed to me that Evelyn was trying to fix something that wasn’t broken. Worse, it looked to me like her proposed changes would make me less effective—and less happy in my job, because they would give me far less flexibility.

                I asked to meet with Evelyn, and I explained to her exactly what I just explained to you. She listened and then said, “I understand. The thing is, Louis, you only get to see the people you work with. You don’t get to see the bigger picture. Seeing that is my job. I understand that the changes will have some negative effects on you. But they’ll support larger positive changes for the organization as a whole. You’ll lose some flexibility, but our customers will gain in consistency and reliability.”

                Despite my decades of recovery, I responded entirely out of self-interest—quickly and mindlessly. I said, “Why do I have to be the sacrificial lamb?” Which was, of course, wildly overstating my potential loss and pain. A better question would have been, Can we try to find some ways to create that consistency and reliability that will have less of a negative impact on me?

                I don’t recall my posture or body language at that moment. But I’m sure my tone of voice was tense, if not outright angry—and I was definitely rippling out unpleasant energy.

                Evelyn felt it. She frowned and said, “I don’t need you to be Jesus on the cross. I do need you to be a team player. That’s part of your job description.”

                This was now officially an argument. I said to her angrily, “I’ve always been a team player.”

                She nodded and said, “I know you have. That’s one of the reasons you continue to work here. Now please stay a team player.” She stood up and said, “Louis, this discussion is over.”

                I walked back to my office. I was seething. Mindlessly, self-centeredly, indulgently seething.

                At that moment, I was powerless over my anger and my sense of betrayal. I had also completely lost perspective. Evelyn was asking me to take a real but relatively small hit—to make my schedule more rigid, and to make my life a little more difficult. But at the time I felt like I’d been gut-punched. It didn’t occur to me at all to ask for spiritual direction, or to ask my Higher Power to remove my anger and self-righteousness.

                Over the next few days, Evelyn and I had two more tense conversations on the subject. As I thought about the changes she wanted to implement, I couldn’t see how they benefited anyone—not our customers, not our organization, and not any of the people who worked for it. She seemed to be adding regimentation entirely for its own sake—or maybe just to please herself. At one point I even said as much to her. She responded by shaking her head and saying, “Now I know why Wally resigned.”

                Then I got a call from her boss, LeShaun. Evelyn had gone to him and asked him to intervene. She was as frustrated as I was. To her great credit, she didn’t just fire me—although, at the time, I half expected her to.

                LeShaun suggested that the three of us meet in his office a few days later. I agreed.

                During those few days, I happened to reread one of my favorite passages from Emmet Fox’s book The Sermon on the Mount:

                If, when someone is behaving badly, instead of thinking of the trouble, you will immediately switch your attention off from the human to the Divine, and concentrate upon God, or upon the Real Spiritual Self of the person in question, you will find—if you really do this—that his conduct will immediately change. This is the secret of handling difficult people. . . . If people are troublesome, you have only to change your thought about them, and then they will change too . . .

                That knocked some sense back into me. I realized what I’d been doing, and I vowed to show up in LeShaun’s office giving off very different ripples. I told myself I’d follow Fox’s suggestion as closely as I could.

                When I got to LeShaun’s office, Evelyn was already there. I took a deep breath, mentally asked for spiritual direction, and walked in.

                From the beginning, LeShaun treated the two of us as colleagues who weren’t getting along, not as boss and subordinate. That helped me—and, presumably, Evelyn—feel safe.

                First LeShaun asked Evelyn to explain the situation from her viewpoint. She did, laying out her case clearly and a bit forcefully, but not unfairly. As she spoke, I mentally held her in the purest light of her true spiritual nature. I kept silent and simply sat there—relaxed, attentive, and open.

                When she was done, LeShaun asked me to tell my own story. So I did—calmly and straightforwardly, without trying to argue my case or control the outcome, and without getting upset. Throughout it all, I mentally held Evelyn in a kind of spiritual halo.

                LeShaun looked thoughtful. He asked each of us one or two follow-up questions. Then he leaned forward and said, “Sitting with me in my office are two caring, committed employees who want the best for this enterprise and for the people it serves. While it sounds like the two of you developed some heat under your collars, it’s also clear to me that your disagreement is over how to best be of service. It’s not about turf or personalities. I thank you both for that.”

                Then he offered a solution—a brilliant solution, really—that allowed me to keep 90 percent of my flexibility while also giving Evelyn the continuity and standardization she felt were so important. Plus, it was better for our customers than either the status quo or Evelyn’s proposed changes. It was also an idea I would never have come up with on my own.

                Then LeShaun said, “Now, if I’ve heard you both correctly, that should settle your dispute. Does it?” He looked at each of us.

                Evelyn and I said “Yes” at the same moment.

                LeShaun nodded. “Are there any other outstanding issues that the three of us need to discuss?”

                Evelyn and I looked at each other. We both shook our heads.

                A minute later, Evelyn and I were walking back to our offices together, chatting pleasantly.

                It would have been very easy for me to have brought our little war—and my angry, self-protective ripples—into LeShaun’s office. To this day I’m grateful that, instead, I let myself radiate a calm, open presence; told my story simply and straightforwardly; and otherwise kept my damn mouth shut. I’m also grateful that I asked for spiritual guidance instead of trying to wrest control of the situation.

                This was an important lesson for me because I can easily get on my high horse about being right.

                And here’s a postscript: Evelyn turned out to be a pretty good boss—in some ways, better than Wally.

The Ripple Effect Inside You

So far, I’ve spoken of the Ripple Effect as something that ripples out from one person to another. But as we keep working Step Ten, we learn to notice the Ripple Effect operating inside us. This occurs in multiple ways—five, at least.

First, when we’re living a life of service and carrying out the will of our Higher Power, we can feel the rightness of it in our own body. (This doesn’t mean it always feels easy or comfortable. Sometimes it may feel just the opposite.)

Second, over time we’ll not only feel that we are rippling out into the universe, but that the universe is rippling through us, expressing itself through us. This may be accompanied by a sense that we are in exactly in the right place, doing just what we need to do.

Third, as we work Step Ten and our recovery continues, a process of neurological healing takes place in our brain. New neural pathways get created and strengthened; old, harmful ones atrophy and disappear. An internal Ripple Effect literally heals our brain.

Fourth, as we develop our presence and internal awareness, we get better at tracking the subtle processes through which emotions and impulses arise in our body. Instead of mindlessly letting them ripple out through reactivity, we examine them. We discern the needs behind them. We choose our response based on the unique details and relationships of that moment. We work the appropriate Step. As necessary, we ask our Higher Power for help and guidance. We also learn to notice when we are impatient and distracted, not bringing our full presence to the moment. This awareness enables us to do an internal reset—and quickly return to the here and now.

Fifth, we become aware of more and more aspects of our personality that we were blind to before.

The Ripple Feedback Loop

There’s an engine that’s always on in each of us. This engine creates an ongoing feedback loop of internal ripples that looks like this:

       •  The condition of my character shapes my thinking.

       •  The condition of my thinking shapes my decisions.

       •  The condition of my decisions shapes my actions.

       •  The condition of my actions shapes my practices and habits.

       •  The condition of my practices and habits shapes my character.

As we work Step Ten, we steadily strengthen our ability to observe all aspects of this internal process. This helps us make conscious and loving choices, rather than impulsive or fearful ones.

The people who founded Alcoholics Anonymous didn’t think in terms of this engine, but they were keenly aware of its elements. Steps One and Two cover our thinking. Step Three covers our decisions. Steps Four through Nine cover our actions. Steps Ten and Eleven cover our practices and habits. And Step Twelve covers our character. Twelve Step Programs offer healing and transformation at every point in this loop.

Other programs for addressing addiction intervene at specific spots in the loop, but not throughout the entire loop. For example, rational behavioral therapy intervenes at the points of thinking and action. Reality therapy intervenes at the point of action. These and other helpful interventions help people stay out of trouble in the short term and change their behavior for the better. But they’re not spiritual programs that lead to transformed lives.

The Ripple Effect Inside Others

Because we have developed our own internal discernment, we also get better at noticing the subtle cues others give us about what is going on inside them. We notice their posture and the flow of their gestures. We hear the cadences and tone of their voice. We see the look in their eyes and the way they make (or avoid) eye contact. We cannot read minds, but we can learn to feel the energy of other people’s bodies as it ripples out and through our own.

When we observe a change in someone else’s presence, we are also able to examine it rather than simply react to it. Why does Jackie suddenly sound protective and defensive? Did I say something that bothered her? But all I said was, “How’s your brother doing?” in a friendly tone. Part of me wants to get defensive myself and say something snarky. But that will do neither of us any good. I wonder if something else is going on. The only way I’m going to find out is to check it out. Here goes. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to pry.”

This discernment also enables us to recognize when we’ve acted fairly and compassionately and when we haven’t. If Jackie responds to our question with “I really don’t want to talk about it,” we neither defend ourselves nor blame ourselves. We simply say something such as “I understand,” and change the subject.

The Ripple Effect of Events

As we practice Step Ten, we also are open to the ripples of unfolding events—to what psychiatrist Carl Jung called synchronicity.

When we were in the throes of our addiction, we tried harder and harder to control events, other people, and ourselves. This proved unsustainable and unmanageable. Eventually we crashed and burned. Now, as our recovery matures, we no longer try to manage and control the world. We know that’s impossible. We also know that it can be the road to relapse.

We understand that we simply cannot know what will happen next, no matter what we do. We have seen, many times, events evolve in ways we could never have imagined. We have experienced remarkable, unexpected, and unpredictable turns of events that were perfect for everyone. We have been part of spiritual experiences that we could not possibly have crafted, planned, caused, or controlled on our own.

Eventually we lose any desire to impose our own personal will, because we know that our role in life is to rely on spiritual direction instead of the direction of self (ego) and then to carry those directions out in all our affairs.

What happens to us is important. But as we work Step Ten, we come to see that what’s far more important is the integrity of our response to what happens.

What happened to us is our history. The integrity of our response is our future. And, through the Ripple Effect, our response will have an effect on the future of the world.

Iris: A lesson from two golden retrievers

          The story I’m about to tell you took place soon after I did Step Nine for the first time. I was just beginning to do Step Ten. I’d been in recovery for maybe five or six months.

                I was doing the right things, and feeling good. I had a lot to be grateful for. But on that day—I remember it was a Saturday afternoon—I wasn’t feeling grateful at all. My boyfriend Roberto was at his parents’ house with our daughter, Ariella, and our black Labrador retrievers, and I was home alone. All of a sudden this terrible funk hit me, completely out of nowhere.

                This was a new form of misery for me. It wasn’t the misery of a hangover or a craving. Or the misery of guilt because I’d done something thoughtless and mean. It had no source at all that I could see. I remember thinking, What the hell? I thought I was on a glorious path of joyous and serene sobriety. I kind of assumed I would never feel bad again. Which, looking back, is silly—but it’s how I felt right then.

                I also felt like I was exuding misery. I was relieved that Roberto and Ariella weren’t home and didn’t see what a wreck I was. I finally thought, Okay, I’ve got to do something. What can I do?

                I decided to go to the park, just to breathe in some nature and be out in the world.

                Almost as soon as I got to the park, a couple of half-grown golden retrievers ran up to me, wagging their tails and licking my hands. I love my Labs, but I love goldens even more. These two were super happy, and they obviously wanted me to throw something. So I threw a stick, and they both went charging after it.

                I heard their owner calling them. I looked and saw a man who looked a little like my dad. He was with his daughter, who was about Ariella’s age, maybe twelve or thirteen. I could see she had Down syndrome.

                I went over to them and told them about my Labs, and the girl got excited. She said, “I adore Labs!” She pointed to the goldens and said, “The orange guys are Bonnie and Clyde. My dad named them after criminals. He’s weird.” She handed me a stick and picked up one of her own. She said to me, “We need to throw and fetch until they’re tired out.” I looked at her dad. He just smiled and said, “All true.”

                The three of us spent the next half hour hurling sticks across the lawn until our arms hurt. By then the dogs had had enough too, and just stood there panting. The girl said to me, “You want to know something? Bonnie and Clyde are both boys, but with their you-know-whats cut off. My dad named them. He’s weird.”

                Her father shrugged and said, “Yup, I’m weird. Okay, Jocelyn, let’s blow this pop stand.” They leashed the dogs, waved goodbye, and walked off.

                By now I was feeling good. The energy of the girl and the dogs was contagious, and all the throwing had released endorphins in my body. I walked home smiling, amazed at what had just happened. My favorite breed of dog had come to fetch me and taken me to a happy family that made me more grateful than ever for my own.

                When I got home, Roberto and Ariella were sitting on the porch, singing a Justin Bieber song. I shouted, “Your musical taste sucks!” and threw my arms around them both.

Back to Earth

All of this may sound terribly cosmic or “woo-woo” to someone who hasn’t had a spiritual experience. But it’s not woo-woo at all. We realize—not just in our head, but in our body—that the Ripple Effect is as normal as breathing or walking or smiling.

Because of this realization, we’re naturally more calm, more loving, more serene, more willing to help, and more present than we used to be. Even people who think that the Ripple Effect is esoteric can’t help but notice the quality of our presence.

To show you just how down-to-earth the Ripple Effect is, let’s look at our needs.

When we practiced our addiction, whenever we felt a need, we demanded that other people meet it for us. We did this through dominance (such as bullying, manipulation, deal-making), dependence (such as people pleasing, flattery, playing the victim), or both.

Now, as Step Ten becomes a natural part of our life, we have grown out of this self-centered orientation. Instead, when a need arises in us, we examine it rather than spring into mindless action. Then we focus on meeting that need ourselves—either through our own actions, by asking for help from someone, or by asking for spiritual direction from our Higher Power.

For instance, imagine that you want to find the right sponsor. You’re aware of the need, but you know that you can’t magically make that person appear. So instead, you go to lots of different meetings, where you’ll have the opportunity to meet many people. At each meeting, you keep an eye out for folks who might make a good sponsor. If someone impresses you in the right way, you introduce yourself to the person and talk for a bit. If this initial interaction feels right, you invite the person to have coffee or tea with you.

But that’s not all you do. You also ask your Higher Power for spiritual guidance.

We keep in mind Steps Six and Seven and remember that it’s not always enough for us to do the right things; often we also have to ask for help, so that the things we can’t do on our own can come about.

For example, in your search for a sponsor, you might have coffee at a café with Chris, whom you’ve seen a few times at meetings. It turns out that Chris is moving to New Zealand in three weeks, so she clearly can’t be your sponsor. But after a few minutes, Chris’s friend Sabrina comes into the café, spots her, and sits down next to you.

As the three of you chat, you learn that Sabrina is also in a Twelve Step group and has three years of solid sobriety. You go to one of that group’s meetings and feel very much at home and like the kind of program that Sabrina is working. A month later you ask Sabrina if she will be your sponsor. She accepts.

None of this would have happened if you hadn’t introduced yourself to Chris. That was your doing. But also, none of it would have happened if events entirely beyond your control—and your ability to plan—hadn’t taken place.

On the one hand, this sequence of events may seem perfectly ordinary. On the other, it is very much a spiritual experience: a remarkable and unexpected turn for the better that turns out to be perfect for everybody involved.

We cannot control life. Often we cannot solve our own problems. But we can show up fully, ask the right questions, and open ourselves to unknown possibilities. When we do this, the universe may reveal to us a much better solution than we could have ever designed or imagined on our own.

The Ripple Effect and the Serenity Prayer

The Serenity Prayer is one of the Program’s most concentrated sources of inspiration and guidance. It is also one of the most beloved and often quoted. Here is the most common version:

              God grant me the serenity

              To accept the things I cannot change;

              The courage to change the things I can;

              And the wisdom to know the difference.

This version of the prayer sets up a duality: the things we can change and the things we cannot. But the Ripple Effect teaches us that these are not our only options.

In Step One we admitted that our addiction was not something we could cure, or manage, or otherwise change for the better. Then, in Step Two, we admitted that we could not become saner or more spiritual on our own. We also understood that as we worked Steps Three through Nine—especially Steps Six and Seven—we would have a spiritual experience and a transformation would occur. But we also understood that we could not make these things happen. They would happen to us.

The Ripple Effect is the opposite of trying to control or manipulate the world. It is about showing up, speaking, and acting in a way that—somehow—sets the stage for positive change, often in ways we can’t plan or predict.

In recognition of the Ripple Effect, here’s another version of the Serenity Prayer to capture its spirit:

              God grant me the serenity

              To accept the things I cannot change;

              The courage to change the things I can;

              And the wisdom to also do the things I can

              That will bring about the changes I can’t.

This is the essence of Steps Six and Seven. When we work them for the first time, we understand that it is not possible for us, on our own, to get rid of our shortcomings and character defects. Our Higher Power must do that for us.

Yet in order to work those Steps—and for them to work on and through us—we also have to act, by asking our Higher Power to remove those flaws. We have to ask for the necessary events to ripple through us. We make a willful commitment to no longer do things the way we used to—and an equally willful commitment to accept whatever happens next.

This altered Serenity Prayer beautifully embodies this same process and attitude.