Drop the Rock—The Ripple Effect

You may be familiar with some version of the Drop the Rock parable. It’s about the Twelve Step group members who set sail on the ship Recovery across the sea of Life for the island of Serenity. As the parable is usually told, soon after the boat pulls away from the dock, the passengers realize that some of their friends are not yet on board.

Sure enough, their friend Mary comes running down the street and onto the dock. The people on the boat cheer her on. “Dive in and swim, Mary!” they shout. “You can do it!” Mary dives into the water and swims for the boat as fast and hard as she can. But as she gets close to the boat, she slows and struggles to stay afloat. Everyone on board can see why: a heavy rock is hanging from a snarl of strings around Mary’s neck. “Drop the rock!” they all shout. “Let go! Drop the rock!”

Treading water, Mary looks down at the rock. She realizes it contains her fear, resentments, self-pity, anger, intolerance, resentments, and other character flaws. She also realizes that if she doesn’t let go of them, she will drown.

She tears off the strings, holds the rock away from her body, and lets it go.

Freed of the heavy and useless weight, Mary easily swims the rest of the way to the boat. She climbs aboard, dripping and deeply relieved.

When most people tell this story, this is where they stop. That’s understandable, because that part alone is useful and instructive.

But here’s how that parable might continue: As Mary is drying off, she notices something heavy in her pants pocket. She reaches in and discovers another rock, although much smaller than the one she’d just released. She recognizes this as her character defect of self-centeredness and immediately tosses it into the water.

As everyone congratulates Mary, they look back toward shore. Someone else is in the water, swimming desperately toward the boat. But that person, too, is being pulled underwater after every few strokes.

As the swimmer gets closer to the boat, Mary can see that it’s Ramon, her old friend and—before they went through treatment together—drinking buddy.

Mary runs to the rail, leans over, and shouts, “Hey, Ramon, it’s me, Mary! Drop the rock! Can you see the ripples from the rocks I just dropped? We don’t have to carry around our character defects any more. If I can do it, you can!”

As the ripples from Mary’s rocks reach Ramon, he pulls the strings off his shoulders and raises his hand above his head in a thumbs-up.

“You’re almost there!” Mary shouts.

“I’m coming!” Ramon shouts back.

He dives under the ripples and disappears. Half a minute later, his head pops out of the water, only thirty feet from the boat.

He disappears beneath the water again. Everyone on board watches breathlessly.

Then suddenly Ramon appears next to the boat, just below Mary. He gasps, “Help me in!”

Mary leans over, stretches out her arm, and pulls Ramon aboard.

Welcome Aboard

This book is for anyone on a journey of recovery. It’s anchored in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous—principles that can be applied to all kinds of recovery. (These Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions appear in full at the back of this book.)

Drop the Rock—The Ripple Effect focuses specifically on Steps Six, Seven, and Ten:

• Step Six: Were entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character.

• Step Seven: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

• Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

In some ways, this book is a follow-up to Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects. Written by recovery veterans Bill P., Todd W., and Sara S., that groundbreaking book helped unpack the power and potential of Steps Six and Seven. And it spoke to a real need, because those two Steps are only briefly discussed in the book Alcoholics Anonymous—commonly called the Big Book—which serves as a basic text for many in recovery. In fact, the Big Book devotes only two paragraphs to these Steps, which leaves a lot of people looking for guidance on how to actually put them into action in their lives. Even the dozen pages devoted to Steps Six and Seven in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions often get lost in the shuffle, as too many people today either don’t read or only skim this important book. When Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects was first published in 1993, it was the only book to fill this long-overlooked gap. Since then, hundreds of thousands of people in recovery have found that book immensely valuable.

If you’ve already read Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects, congratulations! If you haven’t, I recommend that you pick up a copy and read it. It will add depth, perspective, and a new dimension to your practice of Steps Six and Seven. But even if you haven’t read that book, no worries. Anyone working a Twelve Step program can get a great deal out of Drop the Rock—The Ripple Effect.

What makes each of these two books unique?

Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects is especially helpful for people who are working (or about to work) Steps Six and Seven for the first time. It’s also of great value for people who thought they had been working these Steps, but have realized that they were only going through the motions. They hadn’t yet made the all-important turn of humbly and honestly asking to be transformed—in very specific, uniquely personal ways—by a Higher Power.

Drop the Rock—The Ripple Effect is particularly valuable for folks who have already worked all the preparation Steps (One through Three) and all the action Steps (Four through Nine). Now they have begun to work the maintenance Steps. These people are no longer learning how to work the Program. They are learning how to make the Program a way of life, day by day and moment by moment. They are also shifting from a focus on self to a focus on service.

If this describes you, then please accept my special welcome aboard. In this book, it’s my goal to offer you guidance, tips, and insights—as well as many simple, practical exercises for working Steps Six and Seven in the course of working Step Ten. You’ll also read stories of a variety folks in recovery who have used Step Ten as a compass for navigating Steps Six and Seven.

The Ripple Effect

What is the Ripple Effect? It’s the effect we have on other human beings, based on what we do (or don’t do), what we say (or don’t say), and how we show up in each moment in other people’s lives.

When we act from one of our shortcomings or character defects—impatience, let’s say—we don’t just harm ourselves. We send ripples of negativity out to the people around us.

For example, your decision to cut in front of another driver on the highway may result in that person getting angry or anxious. It may also cause a collision. That collision, in turn, may make the driver late for an important job interview. And, because she doesn’t get that job, she and her partner can’t afford to pay their medical bills. Six months later, they are forced to file for bankruptcy. This may be an extreme example, but it demonstrates how seemingly inconsequential actions can have dramatic effects.

In contrast, when we follow the spiritual guidance of the Twelve Steps and a Higher Power, acting from a spirit of service, what we do (or don’t do) ripples out to the people around us as well—but in a positive way. Instead of letting ourselves be pushed around by our impatience, we recognize in that moment that it has risen up inside us. In the next moment, we identify it as a shortcoming. In the next, we recognize that we—and the world—would be better off if we didn’t act from that impatience. And in the next, we ask our Higher Power to take our impatience from us.

This very process has transformed us, in that short string of moments, from impatient to patient.

Imagine that this transformation happens to you on the road to work. Instead of cutting off the driver in the next lane, you smile and wave her in front of you.

She smiles and waves back.

An hour later, she aces her interview. A week later, she gets the job. Although neither of you realizes it, four years later she hires you as her assistant. She turns out to be the best boss you’ve ever had.

When most of us first begin working Step Ten, we take a nightly personal inventory. We acknowledge the character flaws we recognized that day and ask our Higher Power to remove them.

Over time, this daily practice can evolve into one that we do several times each day. Eventually we do it in the very moment when we catch ourselves acting out of one of our shortcomings or character defects. As we keep working Step Ten, we learn to catch ourselves even sooner—whenever we have the impulse to act from one of our character flaws. With practice, we then learn to be aware of the rising of an emotion that generates or precedes such an impulse.

Then, one day, we discover that working Step Ten in each moment has become as natural to us as walking, or dressing, or chatting with friends.

A Few Words about God and Higher Power

In this book I use a variety of terms to describe the spiritual nature of Twelve Step recovery, as does each of the storytellers. When you read these terms—Higher Power, Power greater than ourselves, God as I understand God, Him, Creator, and so on—please substitute any concept that keeps what some have called “the power of possibility” open for you.

The source of this suggestion is the Big Book: “When, therefore, we use the word God, we mean your own conception of God. This applies, too, to other spiritual expressions which you find in this book” (page 47, lines 1–3). (All Big Book citations in these pages refer to the fourth edition of Alcoholics Anonymous, published in 2002.)

Some of us walked away from religion a long time ago and aren’t the least bit interested in going down that road again. Even when we experienced the friendliness and understanding showered on us in the rooms as newcomers, it was hard not to be suspicious that there was religion in there somewhere too. Thank goodness (one of my favorite spiritual expressions) we can find a way to tolerate the language we find off-putting as we continue to seek Twelve Step help until that time when we actually experience the obstacles in our lives beginning to melt away. At that point, having had our own spiritual awakening, we can see that these terms are just many names for what we have found through working the Steps.

So use the term or terms that are comfortable for you. Just as no one can work the Steps for you, no one can have a spiritual experience on your behalf. Our own stories of suffering, getting sober, and joyfully living clean and sober are as personal as our own DNA.