We return to the Lower in the wee hours of the morning.
No one speaks as we help the wounded get to the first aid cavern.
No one says a word about the four lives lost tonight.
Four Night soldiers left on the Upper because we couldn’t get to them. It was too dangerous to bring them down.
Silence speaks louder than words as we branch off one by one to our own caves.
I wander a while. Aimlessly walk the tunnels like I did those first days I spent down here when everything was so new and strange.
At some point, I must take the tunnel that leads to the springs because I’m forced to stop when the pool is before me. As if it’s meant to be, or maybe I subconsciously led myself here, I definitely need to get in that water.
I take off my uniform so I’m only in my underclothes and step in. The water’s warm, inviting. It’s the small pool, the one no one ever goes to. So my favorite.
There’s a bar of sea salt lanolin soap for scrubbing, and I nearly use the whole thing, washing the blood and dirt and horror of battle from my body. And despite how much I scrub, how hard I try to erase the nightmare of this evening away, I know I’ll never be truly clean of it.
Because death is death.
Imperi or Night, a life lost is one too many, and I cannot—will not—stand idly by. We might wear different uniforms, but we’re all fighting for what we believe is right: the hope of a better life. And much of what we deem as right and wrong has been dictated by two powerful and vindictive men.
That must end.
This war is not worth it. It’s like the war replaced Raevald’s Offerings except now, instead of only Basso being Offered, the executions are fair game.
Instead of Raevald ordering the killings, we’re doing it all for him.
The idea that somehow he’s still winning makes me want to retch.
Instead, I dunk my head all the way under the water. Scream loud as I can but so only I can hear it. Angry tears fall but they’re washed right away. I stay under as long as I can.
When I come up Imi’s sitting cross-legged on the edge of the pool as if she’s been there the whole time. She’s not so blood-stained as she kept to her promise not to fight but to protect me, which she did when she pulled me back from the explosion.
“Sorry I shouted at you up there,” I say. “I didn’t mean to shove you away.”
“Yes you did.” Imi gives me a knowing look, but her expression is so full of light I want to hug her because light is exactly what I need right now.
I give her the closest I can to a smile—hopefully conveying my appreciation with my eyes. “All right, yes, I did. But I didn’t mean to be so rude about it.”
She shrugs. “It’s all right, Veda. I understand. Truly.” Imi takes her boots off, dips her feet in the pool. “You and Heir Denali … That was intense.” She’s splashing her fingertips in the water but looks up at me when she says it, as if she’s referring to more than the battle.
“It was.” I take a deep breath. “Nico and I have a deep history and … I know it sounds ridiculous and I know it’s reckless, but I swear I lose all sense when he’s around. Especially if he’s in danger.”
“Mmm, yeah, I remember that Offering. The rumors that followed…”
“Rumors?” My eyes flash to hers.
“That you two were secretly in love—the heir and the Lunalette—it made for an excellent story.”
My face must turn red because even under the dimness of the lamplight, Imi does a double take. Moves closer so her dark hair is half in her face. “Veda, are you and the heir—”
“No. I don’t know … It’s…” I’m about to open up to her a bit about Nico and me when Dorian enters.
He stops when he sees I’m fully in the pool, averts his eyes. Mostly. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were bathing.”
I look at him. Seems he bathed too, because he’s changed out of his uniform and his hair is wet. “It’s fine.” I have underclothes on.
“Right. Of course…” He walks over. Says hi to Imi, thanks her for her help in the battle, then sits next to her.
It’s getting hot, so I lift myself out of the pool so I’m sitting on the side as well but across from them. I wring the water from my very short hair by running my hands over my head.
“How are you?” I ask Dorian. “It’s been a night, eh?” Imi gives me a pointed look. Probably because I went from about to confess my thoughts to quite reserved in about three minutes. But emotions are tricky with Dorian … there’s too much to unpack so it’s easier to stay on the surface.
“I was going to ask you the same thing.” He does that thing where he leans forward and stares right into my eyes. The thing that always awakens a small slew of butterflies deep in my stomach. The thing that makes it hellishly hard to stay on the surface with my emotions.
“I’m all right,” I lie, and my voice wavers, giving me away.
“V…”
Imi, bless her, jumps right back into our previous and private conversation. “We were talking about how hard it must be between her and Heir Denali—Nico—it’s weird to call him by his first name.”
I take that blessing away and curse her instead.
“Hmm … yeah,” is all Dorian says. He puts his attention toward the spring.
“You saw him though, right? I didn’t realize it was him until we were already in the tunnel.”
“He does always seem to show up at the perfect time, doesn’t he, V?”
“What does that mean?”
He shakes his head like he regrets he said it. “I don’t know … Never mind…”
“No, I want to know. I thought you and Nico had come to a place of mutual respect. Or is that only when it’s not to do with me?”
He doesn’t answer. Just stares.
And I stare back.
And Imi must feel uncomfortable because she pulls her feet out of the pool and puts on her boots.
IT’S BACK TO silence as we make our way to the caves.
But when we get to mine, we’re greeted with a welcome sight. Bronwyn.
She takes each of us in her arms, and it’s everything I didn’t know I needed. The girl’s a literal angel—she’s wearing all white, smells of cookies, and has the gentlest expression on her face. Even Dorian lingers within her hug longer than usual.
Bronwyn then pulls a piece of paper from her apron and hands it to me.
“From Nico,” is all she says, eyeing Dorian surreptitiously. She then goes over to him and Imi, who sit near the wooden stump. They speak quietly. About what I have no idea because all I can focus on is Nico’s letter.
I only have to read this one once before I’m penning my reply. Everyone else, my entire cave, disappears around me as I spill everything I can in as few words as possible onto the paper.
Dearest Nico,
I saw too much tonight. Blood, death, the senseless cost of battle. All this time I thought myself a warrior. Turns out I don’t like war so much.
This conflict has to end, and you and I must be the ones to end it. I don’t know how or when, but I fear it’s a weight we’re going to have to bear.
Which is why I’m coming to see you. Tonight.
I will not chance being pulled from you again. I will not allow another explosion to go off between us.
Bronwyn doesn’t know it yet, but she’s sneaking me into the palace.
I refuse to go another day without looking into your eyes, without speaking with you face to face.
If anyone can fix this, Nico, it’s you and me.
All my love,
Veda
When I’m finished, I walk straight to Bronwyn, two things on my mind. Two things I must do.
Today.
I hand Bronwyn the letter. The first thing I must do is, “I’m seeing him, Bron. Tonight. You have to get me in.”
“What?” Dorian.
“Veda, no.” Imi.
“Ooooh … Veda.” Bronwyn shakes her head, those dimples at the corners of her eyes in fine form. “I don’t know. It’s so risky.”
I raise an eyebrow because what is risk at this point? Gently, I take her hand. Pull her back toward the mural and away from prying ears and eyes.
Near a whisper, I say, “It’s riskier if we don’t find a way to see each other.” I find Bronwyn’s eyes, try my best to speak to her from the soul. “After seeing him caught in the middle of that battle tonight…” I barely manage to swallow my emotion. “Me being stuck on the other side … I have to see him. And I really think, if we can talk, be in the same room, Nico and I will be able to come up with some sort of plan to find an end to all of this.”
She takes a deep breath. Tangles an escaped plait of hair between her fingers. And, finally, she says, “Here.” And hands me a tin of muffins, of all things.
I take them. “Does this mean you’ll do it?” I force a wide grin she hopefully won’t be able to resist despite that the last thing I feel like doing is smiling right now.
“You know … I only bake things for people I love.”
I open the tin, take in the sweet wonder that are Bronwyn’s blueberry muffins. “And we appreciate it.” I peel the crusty top off one. Pop a bit in my mouth. It’s ridiculous, this magic of hers. “My Moon, Bron, how do you do it?”
She only watches me, deep in thought. Glances at Dorian, who’s staring intently. Imi, who definitely catches Bronwyn’s eye, smiles.
Then, finally, stepping closer, placing her hand on mine, she says, “There’s a workers’ entrance. On the west side of the palace. Here—” She digs a key out of the pocket of her apron. “It’s for the gate. Go through, down the stairs, and wait at the door. Exactly midnight tonight. Not a minute before or a minute after. If you aren’t there when I open the door, Veda, I won’t be able to come back. That’s the best I can offer because I can’t risk blowing my cover.”
I nod. Wrap her up in a big hug. “Thank you.”
She hugs me back, then pulls away, gives me a stern look. “One chance.”
“One chance.” I hold up the key. “But wait, don’t you need this?”
“It’s my spare.” She’s smiling mischievously, and I cock my head, questioning her. “I just had a feeling I’d need it, is all.”
Imi and Dorian enter my cave. Bronwyn walks to the center of the cave, puts her bonnet over her head, and ties it beneath her chin. “I’ve got to get back before morning tea.”
Imi looks between me and Dorian, then steps toward the door. “I’ll walk you to the den.”
Bronwyn’s face lights up as she heads toward Imi. “Blueberry muffin?” She offers a single, wrapped muffin from her pocket. As if she saved it special just for Imi.
I can’t help the smile that falls over my lips.
Glancing back before leaving, Bronwyn says, “Good luck, Veda. Moon be with you.” I’m not sure if she’s referring to me getting to the palace or the fact I’m being left alone with Dorian and the air between us is about as thick with tension as these cave walls.
Maybe both.
I walk over to where Dorian sits on the wood stump. I tip the open tin toward him.
“Muffin?” Stupidly, I try to lighten the mood.
“No thanks.”
It doesn’t work.
“Dorian—” I start at the same time he looks up at me, expression serious, eyes red around the edges.
My stomach falls because this is it, isn’t it? The second thing I told myself I must do before I see Nico tonight.
Break it off with Dorian.
I’m already bracing myself to stay strong. Not to fall prey to those deep blue eyes of his or our history or how, Moon above, I do love him. Just not the same way I love Nico.
I’m sorry, I’m preemptively saying in my head.
I’m so sorry.
I don’t ask him farther into the cave or over on the mat where, only a day ago, we kissed for hours.
Instead, I sit down in front of him.
“You can’t go, Veda. It’s too risky,” he says, avoiding the thing we both know is coming and neither of us wants to face.
“Since when have I ever listened to your advice?”
“Never.” He glares to the side. “This isn’t a joke,” he says through gritted teeth. “This is your life. I won’t lose you again.”
“I’m not joking. And this is more than just my life. It’s all of Bellona. I have to see Nico so we can come together as Lunalette and heir. Writing letters back and forth is fine, but to devise a plan of action, I need more.”
At more, he looks back at me. It’s clear he heard something different than what I meant.
Or maybe I did mean what he heard.
I sit up on my knees. “You won’t lose me.”
Again, he focuses on the floor.
I take his hands in mine, and swiftly he jerks his away.
“I’m sorry,” is all I can say, my throat closing around the words. “This wasn’t my plan … You have to know that.”
Dorian sniffs. Shakes his head no and then swipes his eyes with an angry fist.
But when he looks down at me, absent pretense or any act he might be putting on, just raw, true Dorian, it nearly breaks me.
Until he narrows his eyes and asks, “Why am I not enough for you?”
Which fully breaks me.
“I … You are enough.”
He sort of laughs under his breath. “Clearly not.”
“It doesn’t have to do with being enough or not enough. You mean so much to me, Dorian. I truly care for you.” I soften my eyes, try to stare at him gently because I know this is going to hurt. “And I love you … It’s just…” But my eyes deceive me by veering toward the floor. I can’t.
“Tell me, Veda.” He lightly places his fingers to my chin, and I can’t deny meeting his eyes. Dorian’s stare hardens. “I need to hear you say it.”
Through hot tears I force the words I’ve always known but have avoided saying. “I’m in love with Nico.”
Dorian refuses to look at me.
He stands and then walks to the door.
But he stops before he leaves.
“Nothing I can say will change your mind?” he says, his voice low.
“About going to the palace or about loving Nico?” I say to his back.
Dorian’s shoulders shudder. “Both.”
I breathe deep. “No.”
He leaves.
I’m so sorry …