Dear Diane,
It’s hard to believe you’re gone. More than hard; it’s devastating. Lars says time will ease the band of pressure that cuts across my chest when I think of you. But no amount of time will make me miss you any less. I suppose the passing years will only result in an acceptance of reality.
I lost my best friend.
Just the other day, I picked up the phone to tell you about the twins’ mess at school. It involved crazy glue (stolen from the teacher’s supply closet) and googly eyes! Needless to say, Jakob was NOT happy. He’s been so serious and severe the last few years; it’s a good thing he has the twins to make him crack a smile now and then.
Anyway, I picked up the phone to tell you, and then I remembered. Oh, the waves of anguish are unbearable and relentless whenever I remember. My therapist says that’s normal. In fact, it was her idea that I write to you. She said it could be cathartic. Healing.
Little does she know we’d uncork a bottle of wine and spill our guts, no doubt dissolving in laughter, whenever one of us needed to heal a heartache. Your bad breakup with Joe. My sadness when Jakob divorced. Your mother’s passing. Leif nearly being expelled from university. We’ve seen each other through all the ups and downs.
It’s difficult for me to move forward and start a new chapter without you.
But I bought this diary. And now, I’m sitting here, at the kitchen table, writing to you.
The house is quiet. Lars left early for practice. And the kids… They’re all grown up. After years of pinching their cheeks and reminding them that mother knows best, they’re out into the world. Blazing trails and finding their footing.
That’s another reason I can’t accept you’re gone. You, Diane, with your flashing blue eyes, loud, boisterous laughter, and penchant for mischief—how can you be gone? I contacted your niece and nephews after your funeral. They were kind and gracious. But they don’t remember you the way I do. I’m not sure anyone does. And that sits heavy on my chest, keeping me up at night.
What’s a life without love? Without friendship? Without family?
Lars and I are coming up on thirty-five years of marriage. I know how fortunate I am to have married the love of my life and then stayed married for thirty-five wonderful years. I’m blessed to have birthed six healthy, beautiful children who all pursued their passions and are making their way in the world.
And yet, I can’t help but wonder—are they fulfilled?
None of them are close to family. None of them have found or kept love. They’re…adrift. Just like you were before I forced you to join my family. “An honorary Bang,” you laughed. But I saw the happiness it brought you. It was the same happiness I felt.
King’s in his thirties and hasn’t had a serious relationship since college. Jakob is a single parent struggling with raising children on his own. Jensen and Annie are still thick as thieves but on opposite ends of the country. Leif avoids commitment like the plague. And Tanner’s living his best life, partying like it’s his job.
When will they settle down? Find the type of happiness I’ve known for over half my life? I don’t mean to sound old-fashioned—although I can admit that I am in many ways, but I want more grandbabies. And to know that my children are fulfilled. Happy. In love.
I want them to find what Lars and I share. Love, respect, commitment. Trust.
I want them to have everything I wished for you, Diane. And perhaps the most challenging part of letting you go is knowing you didn’t have the great big love you desired.
It’s true what they say: life is too short.
Which is why I have an idea. A plan, really, although I haven’t told Lars yet. I think the kids—all of them—need help. A mother’s touch, so to speak, since I obviously know best. And, with Lars coaching the junior league, he’s either at the rink or traveling with the team. Most of the time, I’m on my own. It’s lonely without you to come by for a cup of tea or meet for lunch. Depressingly so.
My therapist thinks a change of scenery will help. She thinks I should shake up my routine.
And so… What if I visit them? The kids. I can help them. Cook their favorite meals. Look after the boys so Jakob can go on a date or two. Give them the nudges they need or, in some cases, the well-placed shoves. It will be an adventure, Diane! For all of us.
I just need to run it by Lars, but…soon, I’ll write to you from King’s place in Oakland. Isn’t that grand? I’ll be living my best life in the sunshine well before the first snowstorm hits Minnesota. If you were here, I know that would delight you!
I miss you, my friend. I’ll write more soon.
Love, Stella
This letter starts Stella’s journey to visit her children across the US and Canada. If you haven’t read the previous Bang Brothers Hockey books, the storylines spill into each other. However, you can also enjoy Leif and Cami’s story as a standalone. Lock ‘em Down is book four in the Bang Brothers Hockey series. It also takes place in the Tennessee Thunderbolts world and is book 7 in that series. Happy reading!