ISAAC WANTED a drink.
Tim had said he planned to take a nap in Isaac’s room, but Tim wasn’t there when Isaac returned. He wasn’t in his own room either. Jason was there, though, and had no idea where Tim had gone.
Isaac had felt so happy just a few hours ago. Why was he reeling now?
And what did it really say about him that what was probably a minor setback—some television footage that really meant nothing; they might have just been talking—had sent Isaac on this spiral?
The time indicated it was too early to call his doctor during his office hours back home, so he went to Luke’s room instead.
Luke and Katie were there, both in sweats, as if they’d been napping instead of fooling around, which made Isaac feel slightly less guilty. Only slightly.
“Isaac. What is it?” Luke’s facial expression indicated he knew something was wrong. He gestured Isaac into the room.
Isaac said in one long breath, “I can’t find Tim and he’s not answering his texts and I saw a news story this afternoon that he might be getting back together with that Pat asshole, and even though that’s probably not true, I can’t stop thinking about it, and I want a beer so badly right now I can almost taste it.”
Luke shut the door and exhaled loudly. “All right. That’s a lot, right there.”
“Wait, are they back together?” asked Katie.
Isaac made a big show of shrugging.
“I saw that Pat guy today. He came to the Aquatics Center and offered Tim a ride back to the Athlete Village. I guess Tim took it. He said something about wanting Tim back. But I gotta say, Tim seemed pretty annoyed at him.”
“What if they talked and he said the right thing and Tim is all charmed and they’re off in his hotel room right now? Huh?”
“Isaac.” Luke’s tone was stern. “That’s insane.”
“I know. I know. But I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. It’s probably nothing and I’m overreacting. But it’s too late on the East Coast to talk to my therapist, so I needed to tell someone that I want to drink, because I’m starting to spiral. I can’t seem to control my thoughts or myself.”
“What do you normally do when this happens?” Katie asked.
“Drink,” Isaac said.
“You did the right thing coming here,” Luke said. He guided Isaac over to a chair and made him sit down. “What’s really going on? You and Tim?”
“I think I’m in love with him.”
“Wow,” said Katie.
“And I thought he cared about me too, but how can he, if he’s with Pat?” Isaac looked at the door, mindful of Luke’s and Katie’s gazes on him. “How easy would it be to walk outside, to walk to America House, to order a goddamned beer and have that be the end of it? Because I don’t feel this way when I’m drunk.”
“No, but you do feel like shit. You’ve worked so hard, Isaac. This thing with Tim, maybe nothing is happening and he’s just at the gym or he turned his phone off or something. I can’t believe he’d go back to Pat, especially not without saying something to you.”
“But you saw them together.”
“They did get in Pat’s car,” Luke said, glancing at Katie. “But it looked like they were arguing.”
Isaac felt an anxiety attack coming. God, he hadn’t felt like this in a long time. Not since before the last time he fell off the wagon. He’d developed so many coping mechanisms, and they were all failing him now, because this was stupid. It was probably nothing. Luke was probably right—Tim was just at the gym and his phone was in his locker. He wasn’t with Pat.
But what did it say about Isaac that he could fly off the handle so easily?
“Why am I like this?” Isaac asked. He was aware of Katie staring at him, but, well, she’d just have to witness his nervous breakdown. “I should be happy. I’m the best swimmer at these Games, you know? I’ve won gold medals. I met this amazing guy, and he seems to like me back. But it’s like my brain won’t even let me have that, because here I am, freaking out about what is probably nothing.” Isaac bent forward and put his head in his hands. “I don’t deserve him.”
“Isaac.” Luke’s voice took on that stern tone again, though there was softness around the edges. “You deserve everything. Don’t you know that? I’ve never known anyone who works as hard as you do, who fights for things the way you do. You’ve told me your sobriety is a daily battle, but it’s one you keep winning. Don’t let this break you.” Luke exhaled loudly again. “I won’t lie and say this is nothing, because it’s clearly got you out of sorts. I don’t see Tim betraying you this way, but I don’t know him, and I did see him and Pat together today. But you know that even if he did, you’ll get through it and live to swim another day.”
“That’s not helpful, Luke,” said Katie. “I’m sure it’s nothing. Tim probably needed to tell Pat off one more time.”
Isaac had to make these feelings stop. His anxiety over Tim, his anxiety over his anxiety—it was all threatening to pull him under. There was only one way he knew of to make these things stop.
“I need some air,” Isaac said, standing.
“You aren’t going to do something stupid, are you?” Luke asked.
“I can’t make any promises.” Isaac ran out the door before Luke could protest more.
“IF YOU don’t leave right now,” Tim said to Pat, “I’m going to call over that security guard and have you escorted back to your hotel. And then I’m filing a restraining order. Because I never want you within fifty feet of me ever again. Is that clear?”
Pat had been shadowing him since they got back to the Athlete Village. He’d followed Tim to the gym and watched him work out like a creep—which was supremely distracting, so Tim cut the workout short—then trailed after him as he walked back toward the dorms. So Tim made the decision to steer him into America House, a public enough place. And on the way, he’d spotted the cameras, so he’d schooled his face to make sure he was not scowling and waved to make it look like he was a good sport about the press coverage. But once they were inside, he steered Pat into a corner booth and did his best to make Pat see the truth. So far he’d been failing miserably.
“So that’s it,” Pat said simply, easily. Too easily.
Then something occurred to Tim. He sat back in the booth. “Oh my God. You orchestrated all of this, didn’t you? You tipped off that camera guy that you’d be here with me and tried to get us filmed together. I bet that gossip show is doing a story right now on how we’re getting back together.”
Pat ducked his head, indicating it was the truth. He’d probably already done an interview with one of those reporters. God damn him.
Tim pointed to the door. Through clenched teeth, he said, “Get the hell out of here. I never want to see you again. You hear me? I. Never. Want. To. See. You. Again. It’s over. I don’t know how I can be any more clear about it.”
“I did do the interview, but just because I thought it would be nice to make my intentions public. You always said you wanted to be honest with everyone about who you are, so I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“You never change.” Tim shook his head, anger and disbelief running through him. “Well, if you’re not leaving, I am. I’m done, Pat. Finished. Finito. Do not ever contact me again. Don’t show up at my meets. I’m going to give your picture to security at the Aquatics Center to make sure you’re denied entry. And while you’re at it, go fuck yourself.”
Tim stood, grabbed his gym bag, and stormed out of the bar. He speed-walked all the way back to the dorm building, because he was furious, and it pulsed in him like a living thing. All he wanted right now was to find Isaac, who was probably back from the interview by now, and sleep until he had to dive again.
Tim went to his own room first to drop off his gym bag. Jason was there, reading a book.
“Isaac came by looking for you,” Jason said. “He seemed a little anxious. Said you weren’t answering your texts.”
Tim hadn’t looked at his phone all day. He fished it out of his gym bag and saw he had a half-dozen texts and a voicemail from Isaac. He was overcome by a sinking feeling. “Oh no,” he whispered.
“You’re not back together with Pat, are you?”
“God, no. In fact, I just told him to go fuck himself. I never want to see that piece of crap ever again. Why would you think we were back together?”
“Uh, it’s all over the internet that you are.”
Oh no. An anxious Isaac had come by looking for Tim, meaning he’d likely seen the stories. And Pat had orchestrated for that camera guy to be there, to capture them together, so that it would be all over the web that they were back together and Pat could get his goddamn press.
What must Isaac have thought? But Isaac couldn’t really believe Tim would betray him like that, would he?
Fuck Pat. “I have to find Isaac.”
As he climbed the steps to Isaac’s floor, he looked at his texts. Isaac asking him to dinner… then asking where he was… then an I’m really worried now lol, but there wasn’t really anything funny about this. Tim pressed the voicemail button and listened.
“Hey, Tim, I just… I need to talk to you right now. Please give me a call when you get this.”
His tone reminded Tim of the night Isaac confessed that he wanted a drink more than usual. This was really bad. And Tim was not about to let Isaac throw away his hard work and sobriety on Pat’s account.
Tim pounded on Isaac’s door but was greeted with silence. There was no light under the door. No movement inside. He wasn’t here.
Tim called Isaac. It went straight to voicemail, so Tim said, “I’m trying to find you. Where are you?” and hung up.
Where was there alcohol? Well, everywhere, probably.
Tim checked every lounge in the building. He thought to check Luke’s room but didn’t know which one that was, and in a building with a few hundred rooms, he’d lose more time knocking on every one than it was worth.
He took the elevator down to the lobby and figured he’d head back to America House and see if Isaac was there. He’d check all the other international houses if he had to. He’d go to every bar in Madrid if that was what it took to keep Isaac from falling off the wagon.
The elevator doors opened and Luke was there in the lobby, standing beside Katie. Tim called his name.
“Oh, Tim, thank God.”
“What’s going on? Where’s Isaac?”
Luke glanced at Katie. “Well, I’m not sure exactly, but he was in a bad way. I’ve been trying to call him, but he’s not answering his phone. He’s…. You’re not back together with Pat, are you?”
“No. And I’m going to murder Pat for making so many people think that.”
Luke nodded. “I’m glad of that. I don’t think Isaac really believes you are either, but he’s beating himself up a lot for getting worked up about it. We need to find him before he does something he’ll regret later.”
“Then let’s go find him. He might have gone to America House. He’s not in any of the public areas in this building.”
Luke nodded. “That was my thought too.”
Tim, Luke, and Katie walked quickly out of the building and toward America House. Luke tried calling Isaac again, with no luck.
But when they all got to America House, there was Isaac, sitting alone at the bar, a full pint of beer in front of him. He was clearly lost in his own thoughts and didn’t move as Tim and Luke approached slowly.
Tim’s instinct was to run over there and take that beer away from him. But he thought more delicacy was called for. To Luke, he whispered, “What should we do?”
“I think you should talk to him. Try to be understanding. He spends all his days fighting his demons, and usually he wins, but I think today, they might be winning.”
“He did that interview with Marcus Holt today. They were supposed to talk about his alcoholism. Maybe it dredged something up.”
“Yeah. I don’t think this is really about you and Pat. But I think you should be the one to talk to him.”
“Okay.” Tim took a deep breath and walked forward slowly, not wanting to spook Isaac.
Was this the future he was signing on for? Would he have to rescue Isaac from himself more? Likely yes; alcoholism didn’t get magically cured and go away. Maybe it would get easier with time, but Isaac hadn’t even been sober for two years. Probably there would be hard times like this ahead. Was Tim prepared for that?
No. But he’d take Isaac with all his flaws in a heartbeat anyway.
He sat on the stool next to Isaac and said, “Hi.”
Isaac swallowed. He stared at his glass. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry for not answering my phone. I had a really terrible afternoon and wasn’t looking at it.”
“You shouldn’t have to be at my beck and call.”
“No, but I could have texted you back. I’m… I’m not back together with Pat, in case you were thinking that.”
“I wasn’t… well. I knew that was true on some level, but part of me kept thinking about it anyway.”
Tim took a deep breath. “He, ah, followed me around all afternoon. I told him off about eight times. I think he may even have heard me that last time. I never want to see him again, Isaac. He orchestrated the whole day so that we’d been seen together.”
“I saw you on that fucking gossip show. When I was at the broadcast center. It was on TV.”
“I know. All Pat’s doing. If I had known at the time that was what he was up to, I would never have spoken to him at all.” Tim leaned forward and cautiously put a hand on Isaac’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
Isaac shook his head. “It’s not you. It’s not your fault. I didn’t really think you were stupid enough to get back together with him. But sometimes I…. It’s my fucked-up brain, it gets the better of me. I’m usually better at coping with it, but today all of my emotions are turned up to eleven, and I just… I freaked the fuck out is what I did.” Isaac sighed. He pressed a hand to his forehead. “And I felt like such an idiot. I trust you. I do, I promise. I just got all up in my own head. And all I kept thinking was that I knew a surefire way to make it stop.” He lowered his hand and gestured toward his glass.
“Did you drink any of that?”
“No. I haven’t. Truthfully. I ordered it about ten minutes ago and I’ve just been watching the bubbles.”
Isaac’s sadness radiated off him, and Tim felt it in his gut. He wanted to cure it, to take it away, but he knew that wasn’t possible. “It’s not too late, then.”
Isaac reached for the glass but pulled his hand back again. “How could you possibly want to be with someone as fucked-up as I am? One setback and here I am, ready to drown my sorrows.”
Tim found some comfort in the fact that Isaac didn’t really believe him capable of getting back together with Pat, but the larger problem of Isaac’s thoughts getting the better of him, and that full pint of beer, felt like a pretty steep mountain to climb. Tim considered the situation and tried to figure out how best to find a path up and over the mountain. He glanced back at Luke, who stood a few feet away with his arm around Katie. Luke gave him a thumbs-up.
Tim was out of his depth. It felt like cliff diving. At least in a pool, he knew what to expect when he dove. Diving outdoors, into a natural body of water, had any number of hazards, from shallow water to rocks. One didn’t truly know what to expect until one went for it.
Tim put his hand on Isaac’s arm, and Isaac turned toward him slightly.
“I don’t have a magic wand that will take your pain away. If I did, I would wave it in a heartbeat, because I hate seeing you like this.” Isaac winced, so Tim said, “Not because I’m ashamed of you or I think any less of you, but because I know you’re struggling a lot right now and I want to make it better. But I don’t know how, except to say that I’m here for you now. And that you, Isaac, might be the best man I know.”
Isaac shook his head. “I’m really not. I don’t… I don’t know how to handle all these compliments, because I know you all mean well.” He glanced at Luke. “But they don’t feel like me. I mean, I know I’ve done some incredible things since I’ve been in Madrid, and I worked really hard to get here, but at the end, I’m still Isaac, an alcoholic who can’t even hold it together enough to get through one stupid stumbling block with a guy I really like.”
Tim rubbed Isaac’s arm. “You’re stronger than you think. And I’m glad you really like me, because I really like you too. And I feel terrible for ignoring your texts. I could have at least responded to let you know I’d get back to you later.”
“No, I shouldn’t…. I mean, we’re not together, are we? You’re not, like, my boyfriend. We met two weeks ago.”
Tim balked, trying not to be offended by that, but it felt a bit like a punch in the chest, because he’d thought they were. “Aren’t we together? We’ve spent all of our free time together for two weeks. We care about each other. I got the impression we were going to try to make something happen when we got home. Was I wrong?”
Isaac looked miserable. His face melted as he stared at his glass. “I want to, but this… this is me.”
“I don’t believe that. This is part of you, yes, but the real you is the man I’ve spent the last week with. A strong man who can beat this, who can get past it. And you, Isaac, you see me in a way no one else does, and I think I see you. Today I told a man I once thought I loved to go fuck himself because he’s more selfish than I ever realized. But partly, it was for you too, because I want to be with you, Isaac.”
Isaac pursed his lips for a long moment, glancing at Tim, but mostly looking at his glass. “I want to be with you too. But I can’t be so dependent on you. I can’t rely on any one person to keep me sober. I have to do the work on that myself.”
“But you can accept help, right? I want to help you. I want to be with you, Isaac, warts and all. I know you’re not perfect. I know you battle demons. But I know you have it in you to fight those demons too. You have it in you to do amazing things. A weaker man would have let the demons win, but you won’t. I know you won’t. I have faith in you.”
Isaac looked at Tim, tears in his eyes. He blinked a few times and they were gone, but Tim had seen them. He’d gotten through somehow.
“You have faith in me,” Isaac said softly.
“I do. And if you need to talk about things tonight, I’m here for you. Or if you just want to go back to your room and go to sleep, we can do that too. Or if you want to be left alone, I’ll leave you alone. Whatever you need, I’ll do it.”
Isaac nodded. He put a hand on Tim’s shoulder and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “Thank you.”
“So what do you want to do?” Tim asked softly.
“Get out of here,” Isaac said.
Tim smiled. “That we can do.” He gently leaned away from Isaac and stood up. Then he offered Isaac his hand.
Isaac took it and slid off his tool. He gave one last, longing glance at the pint of beer; then he nodded to himself and turned toward Tim. Tim opened his arms for a hug, and Isaac stepped into them and let himself be hugged.
Luke and Katie walked over. “You okay, Flood?” Luke asked.
“Yeah. I’m sorry for freaking out on you before. This day, this whole month, it all kind of hit me and I didn’t handle it well.”
“You still on the wagon?”
“Barely. I ordered the beer but didn’t drink it.”
“That’s what matters. How long you been sober?”
“Eighteen months, two weeks.”
“You got this,” Luke said.
Isaac nodded, a faint smile on his face. Katie reached over and patted his shoulder. Tim took Isaac’s hand, and then they all walked back to the dorm together.