Chapter Twelve

April 30

“CYNTHIA?” SAYS ERIC, from what sounds like ten miles away. “Did you hear what I just said?”

I did hear him. I’ve heard everything said in this lab tonight, but hearing and processing are two different things. I honestly cannot believe he is leaving, nor can I fathom that he has asked me to go with him. I can’t leave my home and move to England. Can I?

“I, uh,” I stammer, trying to at least acknowledge that I have, in fact, heard his crazy words. “Heard you. Yes. Heard you.”

“That was a lot to spring on you,” he says gently. “I don’t expect an answer right away. But that’s where my head is and I know it’s where my heart is. I want to be with you and I think you’d love London. But I’ve had time to think this all through and you’re just hearing it for the first time. I have to leave for London to accept the grant and get a few things set up, but I’ll be back to close everything down here and to give a commencement speech in two weeks. Can I ask you to put your Plan on hold while I’m away and not see any more men for the time being?”

So many words and new things to process. I feel like I’m going to faint. My head pings with the word “Jess,” but Eric does sound reasonable and if the whole point of this thing was to find someone I could be with, having two great men say they love me feels like a victory. And two weeks isn’t such a long time. I nod. It seems my head, at least, has made a decision and is ready to respond.

“Great,” he says. “I know it’s not what you were thinking for how this year would go, but the thought of you with another guy right now just kills me. Especially now that I know you love me too.”

With those words, my brain kicks back on and I realize what I’m facing: only the biggest decisions of my life. Moving to London would not only mean uprooting my whole life, but it would mean closing the door on the possibility of anyone else for the time being, or maybe forever. It would mean choosing Eric over Carter, something I’m not remotely ready to do.

On the other hand, it’s a clear path forward where everything else in my life feels murky and confusing. Here is a man who is so sure about me that he knows within a month not only does he love me but wants to make space in his life for me. Carter and I had years of confusion, and it wasn’t until he realized he could lose me that he spoke up. What if I was just a backup for him?

“I will think like I’ve never thunk before,” I tell him. “Thought before. Whatever. Just know that I will be doing some big thinking while you are away. If you change your mind while you’re back in Jolly Old England, I need you to tell me right away though, okay?”

“Deal,” he says, pulling me in for a hug. “Not going to happen, but deal.”

And with that, we walk out of the lab together, but I drive myself home alone to get busy on that whole thinking thing. I know I’m going to need some help on this from Meg and Kim, but for tonight, I decide to give my brain a rest so it can be ready for the crazy volume of thoughts it’s about to be hit with.

I dream of tidal waves and tornadoes, which I assume is because my brain feels like a natural disaster. Around 2:00 a.m., I wake up, panting, with the strong suspicion that I am forgetting something. Again, the ping in my brain signals the word “Jess,” and I realize I have a date set up for tonight that I forgot to cancel after the whole lab incident. It’s certainly too late now, and I really should at least go and break things off in person. I fall back to sleep feeling uneasy and go on with the restlessness.

This time though, I’m rescued from the middle of a storm by a faceless hero; someone strong, smart, and exceedingly kind. I don’t know who it is, but I’m too grateful for the break in the deluge to care. Maybe it’s me, or one of my friends, or maybe even someone I’ve dated, but as my alarm wakes me up on the first day of May, I know that is the feeling I want to be chasing.