Chapter Thirteen

May 1

I’M BACK TO feeling like a total asshole again. I really should have picked up the phone to cancel my date with Jess tonight, but I want a chance to explain everything and apologize, so here I sit. We decided to meet for dinner at a French restaurant in Scottsdale and I’m in the lobby wearing my best “sorry for being a jerk” ensemble. Maybe I should buy Jess dinner? If I quickly blurt out that it’s not really a date, that doesn’t betray my promise to Eric, right?

As I argue the semantics with myself, I scan the room for someone who looks like they might also be scanning the room. Jess knows what I look like, so I have no idea what I’m looking for, but my head immediately pops to a picture of Milo Ventimiglia, who played Jess on Gilmore Girls. If that’s actually who shows up, this is going to be even harder than I thought.

That black hair and smolder might be enough to make me break my promise to Eric, I think with a laugh. It’s just the asshole version of me talking, but at least she’s funny.

I’m a few minutes early, so I walk to the bar for a glass of wine while I wait. I’m still searching faces, which seems pointless, but then I remember I’ve also been stalked lately, giving me a second reason to give the room a look. I see no cameras nor cell phones pointed at me as I sit and sip my pinot noir, but suddenly I do see a pair of smoldering dark eyes locking onto mine from across the room. They’re partially hidden under black hair that is pushed aside as their owner smiles and makes their way toward me.

“Cynthia?” the mouth belonging to the eyes says to me.

“Can I help you?” I scan the hand reaching out to me for signs of a camera or phone. Seeing none, I lock back on the eyes and I’m momentarily dazzled. Are they smoldering back at me, or is it just my imagination?

“I’m Jess,” says the owner of the eyes.

“Jess?” I feel faint for the second time in two days.

“It’s short for Jessamyn. And judging by the look on your face, I forgot to mention I’m a woman.”

“I, er, I just assumed.” I’m discovering that stammering and feeling faint go hand in hand for me.

“I think our table is ready.” She gestures back toward the hostess. “Why don’t we go sit and chat?”

“That would be great.” I follow her back through the bar and into the lobby. We are seated at a booth near the back of the restaurant and Jessamyn orders herself a glass of wine from our server then faces me with a gentle smile.

“Your posts said that you wanted to find someone to spend the rest of your life with,” she begins. “I thought you might want to explore all of your options. But honestly, I really love ice cream and I thought the worst thing that would happen is we each get a new friend and I maybe get a few free scoops.”

I laugh, louder and harder than I normally would in a nice restaurant and immediately feel at ease with Jess, if not a bit confused by the turn of events. But, seeing as I was coming out tonight for a date with no intention of dating the person, this is probably going to be equally or less awkward.

I can’t help but smile as Jess laughs along with me. She really is beautiful, and her laugh is so genuine it’s impossible not to want to hear it again. She’s got raven-black hair, the aforementioned most-beautiful-eyes-in-the-world, and a hard to place ethnic ambiguity. I start to think she’s out of my league when I remember we don’t even play the same sport.

“I’m so flattered,” I say, “but I don’t think I’m gay.”

“And I’m not in the business of converting anyone,” she says quickly. “I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable. Just to clarify, though, you don’t think you’re gay?”

“I mean, I’m not gay. I’ve never dated a woman. There was the occasional dalliance in college, but nothing serious.”

“Well, then it sounds like we’re on the new friends and free ice cream path.” She laughs again. “I just fell in love with your idea of taking the year to really do some searching on this whole marriage idea. I’m not dating a new person every month, but I decided to give it a try myself.”

“And how’s it going?” I’m flattered that I’ve inspired someone else.

“Well, it’s off to a bumpy, but interesting start.” She gestures between us. “Here I thought I might have someone to get to know all month, but now I’m thinking I’ll have to figure something else out. But at the moment, I’m a bit torn between two people and I’m mostly just confused.”

“You’re confused?” I say with an empathic laugh. “I’m so lost I can barely remember why I started this whole thing in the first place.”

I start to fill her in on the origin of the Plan and my original status with Carter, who then dropped a bomb on me to kick this whole thing off.

“Here I was thinking I’d never be anything more than a fuck buddy,” I say, suddenly aware that the wine has kicked in, “while he’s working up the nerve to ask for something more. I think, anyway. I’m still not sure if he was already hoping to be with me, or if just the thought of not being with me scared him into saying something. I’m not even sure it matters, but it feels like it should.”

“Oh, it matters,” Jess says. “It would be one thing if you had been his focus from the jump, but you can’t beat yourself up if he didn’t even realize it himself until it was almost too late. I will say one thing though: it takes a super confident man to send you out into the world to date a bunch of other dudes to make sure he’s the one.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way, but she’s absolutely right. I was thinking Carter’s willingness to suffer through this whole year must mean he’s not actually suffering or isn’t 100 percent sure about me, but it could mean the exact opposite.

“And what about the other guys you’ve dated so far?” Jess asks after we order our entrees.

“Well, January was a whirlwind and so wonderful, but it turns out there is some side drama there and it’s completely over. I found out the friend who set me up with him had feelings for him herself and I nearly lost her over the whole thing. Now I just hope they can work things out because they really would be great together.”

It’s my first time saying that out loud, but I hear myself and know it’s true. It’s a nice feeling of closure.

“I thought February would just be a fling, but there was a bit more of a connection than I thought,” I continue. “Definitely not a soulmate, but a nice guy and we had some fun.”

“I bet,” she says, smiling. “I saw his picture on that Gossip A to Z site and even for someone who prefers V to P, he was one fine specimen.”

I laugh and nod, leaning in. “And those pictures didn’t even do him justice. One fine specimen indeed.”

We both giggle like schoolgirls and I sigh a big, relaxing breath, happy to have someone to talk to about everything.

“March was a guy I had a crush on in high school,” I say, keeping the story going. “He reached out saying he’d had a crush on me too, and I about died. Things were okay, but not great, and then it turned out he had me confused with someone else the whole time. So now he’s with her and I wish them well.”

“Yikes,” she says. “But hey—that’s nice of you to have brought them together.”

“I’m pretty much that old matchmaker lady from Fiddler on the Roof.” I’m now barely able to talk through belly laughs. “I keep setting my dates up with other people. Hell, even my February guy is getting a ton of action from the whole website thing.”

“So, who are you going to set April up with?” she asks, bringing my laughter to an awkward stop.

“Well.” I’m unsure where to begin. “Maybe me, actually. I mean, right now, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be with him or Carter.”

“Ahh. So, that’s your love triangle. Tell me about him.”

I launch into the whole last month, beginning at the end of March with my spontaneous Disneyland trip with Eric, and Jess smiles as I talk, likely mirroring my face as I recount everything that’s gone on in the past thirty-three days. I tell her how smart, kind, funny, and sexy my scientist guy is, avoiding the whole mermaid-in-the-lab thing.

“So how did it end?” she says, as I trail off thinking about how great Eric is.

“Well, it didn’t technically. He is heading back to London as we speak to get a few things in order, then coming back here in two weeks to see if I’ll leave Arizona and move there with him.”

“Whaaaaaat?” Jess is taken aback at just the right level for news of this magnitude.

“Yeah, he got a grant and one of the requirements is that he does the work in London. I assumed that was it for us, but he asked me if I’d move there with him. He says he’s in love with me. This all literally came out last night and I’m super lost. I actually came out tonight assuming I’d be telling some guy I can’t date him because I need to get my head straight.”

“Then I showed up and threw another wrench in the works and OMG no wonder you looked like you might faint on me when we met,” she says, piecing everything together.

“Exactly. Is that similar to your situation at all?”

“Ha!” she exclaims. “Uh, no. Nothing that dramatic. I basically rekindled things with an ex to see if there’s anything there, but also met another really great woman who I’m super excited about. And now I’m sitting across from you and wishing we hadn’t actually met because before tonight, I could just pretend you weren’t fantastic. But you are.”

I blush and hope the lights aren’t too bright in here.

“These girls in college,” she says, leaning in again so that the people at the other tables don’t hear. “How many were there and what all did you do? Any chance that was more than just experimentation?”

We’re interrupted by our waiter who is dropping off our food and I’m very thankful for the distraction. It is hard enough to sort out my mind at the moment with two men but add a potential “am I actually bisexual?” crisis into the mix and my head might explode.

I mean, truthfully, I am pretty solidly in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum. I knew growing up and I know now that I’m equally attracted to men and women, but just tend to prefer being with men. It’s not so strong of a preference that I’ve ever completely eliminated the thought of dating a woman, but as I’ve been mostly focused on my career post-college, I’ve barely dated anyone other than Carter. Having to flirt with people from both genders just felt overwhelming, so I tucked it into the back of my mind, and there it has stayed.

Until now.