Chapter Sixteen

May 4

IT’S NOT TERRIBLY bright when I wake up this morning, but I think that means I’ve gotten back to a more grown-up schedule. I reach for my phone and give a sigh of relief when I see that it’s 6:00 a.m.

“Much better,” I say to myself.

My arms are a bit sore from the burn I picked up yesterday, but my head feels clear and I take this as a sign that I can get some things figured out today. I find the running shoes I leave at this house in the closet, throw on a sports bra and shorts, and step outside to stretch and start the day on the right foot.

The sidewalk is empty this morning other than other joggers and walkers, so I easily find my stride without worrying about tripping over bikes, strollers, and slow-moving tourists. I had almost forgotten how much I love an early morning run by the ocean, but breathing in the misty air soon brings me back to some of my happiest memories. Here, I am strong and capable. There’s nothing I can’t sort out today.

I’m not sure how far I run, but by the time I get back to my house, I’m drenched with sweat and out of breath. I take off my shoes and socks, set them on the deck, and walk toward the ocean for what I know is going to sting. Before I can change my mind, I run into the surf and let the cold water freeze and numb my skin. I scream a little as it hits my stomach, then dive under the next wave and gasp as I come up for air.

The shock of the water mixed with my racing heart makes me feel so alive, I could cry. And also, so cold I could cry for different reasons. I run back out of the water as best as I can and head back up to my house for a warm shower. It’s like heaven and I’m thankful as the feeling comes back to my fingers and toes.

Clean and refreshed, I throw on some comfy clothes and sit at the table with a pen and notepad I found in my nightstand. Making two columns at the top of the page, I label one Eric and one Carter, then stare at it. I’m still staring at it when a knock at the door jars me from my concentration.

As I walk to the door, I try to think of what traits I even want to focus on for this list, not stopping to think at all about who might be here this morning. Even if I had thought about it, I still don’t think I could have come up with the face that would greet me as I opened the door.

“Hi,” says Jess, standing there with a suitcase behind her and a beach bag on her arm. “I wasn’t sure which door was yours, but I guessed and here you are!”

I’m so surprised to see her that it takes me a moment to register her presence. That ends pretty abruptly though, as she crosses the threshold and plants a kiss right on my lips, leaving her luggage and bag outside. Whether I’m fully aware she’s here or not, it’s hard to deny that someone is most definitely kissing me right now. And it’s a really great kiss.

I realize my surprised lips might not be engaging fully in the kiss, so I pull away for a second to take a breath, then put my hands in her hair to bring her back in for a better effort on my part.

“There you are,” she says. “I know I didn’t say what time I’d be here, but for a second you looked so surprised I thought I’d made a mistake.”

She steps back to grab her things and I usher her inside and close the door behind her. I’m eager to grab my phone and figure out what in the hell she’s talking about, but I can’t do that with her standing here, so I decide to just play along.

“Sorry,” I say, as she sits on the edge of my bed. “I was just lost in thought, I guess.”

“Not a problem,” she says, taking my hand. “I know this is a big deal for you, so we’ll take our time.”

What in the hell is she talking about? How does she even know where I live?

“Do you need to use the bathroom or anything?” I ask, wondering if I can clear her from the room for long enough to read our texts.

“Actually, yes. I caught an early flight and practically drank my weight in water. Are you hungry? I could freshen up and maybe we could go get some breakfast?”

“Breakfast, yes.” I latch on to the only thing that’s made sense since I opened the door. “I’ll change too.”

“No, no. You look so comfortable. Let’s just keep today chill and really get to know each other.”

I look down at my oversized T-shirt and sweatpants and shrug, but she smiles and turns to use my bathroom. As soon as the door closes, I grab my phone and look back to see if I invited her here when I was high.

I see my embarrassing text about thinking we’d be good in bed together, but I definitely didn’t invite her here. But then, I open the selfie I sent her and realize what happened. She said she’d love to be here with me, and I replied with a picture of myself and the house behind me. Clear as day just above my head is the hand-painted sign I made years ago with the address of the house and a nice beach scene. It really does look like an invitation. And I told her we should have sex.

I frantically put the notepad and pen back in the nightstand to hide all evidence that I am actually here to figure out the Eric/Carter situation and have just sat back down on the bed when Jess comes out wearing nothing but a bra, panties, and devilish look on her face.

“We’re pretty casual at the beach,” I say, stalling for time, “but most places do require a bit more than underwear if you want to eat there.”

“We’ll get to that,” she says, walking toward me.

I have never felt frumpier or more disheveled in my entire life. Here I am, sitting in pants with a hole in the crotch and a T-shirt that makes me look like a little kid. I have no makeup on and my hair isn’t finished drying from my shower. I’m not even wearing the two articles of clothing that are currently all Jess has on. How is she still walking toward me?

“Hi,” she says, now standing directly in front of me. She smells like coconut or something tropical and I can’t help but sigh as I breathe it in. I’m about eye-level with her breasts and they are perfect and perky sitting in her black lace bra. Her panties match, because of course they do, and I look up to see her gorgeous eyes locked on mine.

The word instinct pops into my head and I let everything else go as I stand up to kiss her again. She even tastes amazing and I can’t help myself from kissing her neck and shoulders, moving her hair out of the way to put my lips on every inch of her sand-colored skin.

She reaches down to grab my shirt and lifts it over my head, interrupting me from exploring her body momentarily. I’m now only wearing these stupid sweatpants, but at least the shirt is gone and I can press myself up against Jess’s breasts with only her bra in the way. For now, anyway.

I kiss my way down her chest until I am kissing and licking the top of her breasts. They are smaller than mine, but perfect, and I reach my hands up to caress them as I go. Her bra has a front-opening clasp that I manage to pop open easily, allowing me to now press our completely naked breasts against each other. I’m immediately overwhelmed with a warm sensation between my legs.

As Jess and I kiss and revel in the feeling of our bodies so close, she reaches a hand down to touch me where I can now feel myself getting wet. She’s teasing me and only touching me through my pants, but giggles as she discovers the hole and I soon feel one of her fingers touch me as she explores me a bit.

“I can take those off, you know,” I say, pulling away from a kiss to whisper in her ear.

“You could,” she says, as I hear the fabric tear a bit and feel another finger tickling me. “But I’m doing just fine.”

I moan as she expertly finds and starts stimulating my clit. All my memories of sleeping with women come back to me as I remember just how good we are at this part. Something about knowing the anatomy of your partner and knowing exactly what feels good makes women infinitely better partners than men. Why did I ever go back to dating men?

Tired of being teased, I reach down to remove the pants, then lay down on the bed, fully naked. Jess joins me and lays next to me as we kiss and touch each other more. She’s still fingering me inside and out and I can’t help but arch my back as it starts to feel better and better. Seizing the opportunity, she begins kissing and licking my breasts as she keeps her hand busy between my legs.

Then, she moves her way down until her face is between my thighs and just goes to town on my whole area. Her tongue is strong and she knows exactly what to do with it. She brings me closer and closer to orgasm, then slows a bit, before ramping things up again until my whole body convulses with pleasure. I lay there for a minute until the shaking stops, and smile as Jess comes back up and puts her head on the pillow next to mine. She’s smiling at me and I realize I’m up to bat.

I reach my hand between her legs and inside her panties and try to do everything she did. I’m a bit rusty, but I’m pretty sure I remember how this all works. Besides, I know what feels good to me, so this should be a piece of cake. Jess looks into it, but not nearly as much as she did when she was working on me, so I decide to kick things up a notch and stick one of my fingers into her pussy, which I find warm and welcoming.

I use my thumb to reach up and stroke her clit, but can’t quite get the rhythm right and now I’m wondering if my nails are too long and is this hurting her?

I keep going with my hands and decide to add some oral stimulation to the mix, focusing on her breasts. This seems to be better, and her body responds more as her nipples become erect under my tongue.

“Harder,” she says, so I increase the velocity with which I am fingering her. “Not there,” she moans, and I realize she’s definitely more into the breast action. Not a problem, as this is my favorite part.

Using both of my hands and mouth, I pinch, pull, and lick all around both her breasts until they look a little red and sore. She’s nodding and breathing heavier, so I get my confidence back and decide to head south. And that’s where I run into trouble. As much as I am turned on by other women and can hang with 90 percent of this whole game, I have never been good at this part.

Sensing my hesitation, Jess lifts her head off the pillow and says, “Let’s take a break.”

“Really?” I say. “But I didn’t get you off.”

“I feel just fine. I know it’s been years since you’ve been with a woman and I love that you’ve opened yourself up to it for me. We don’t need to do everything right away. Besides, seeing you come for me was pretty damn hot. I’m more than fine.”

“Should we get some breakfast?” I’m thankful that she’s so understanding.

“That sounds great.” She pulls me back up to her for a kiss. “And don’t worry. I can teach you everything you need to know. We’ll get there.”

*

JESS AND I are sitting on the beach in bikinis, taking turns telling stories from our lives and having a blast getting to know each other. I have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I’ve just completely cheated on Eric, but if any of this gets me closer to clarity, I can only hope he’ll understand.

“So, you were high when you texted me yesterday?” she says with a throaty laugh. “No wonder you were so bold.”

“Yeah, I didn’t even realize I had invited you here,” I say. “But I’m so glad you came.”

“No wonder you looked so surprised. I feel so silly now.”

“No, no.” I turn to face her. “The weed just relaxed me enough to say what I was really thinking. And trust me—you have nothing to feel silly about. I love that you were so spontaneous and willing to come here.”

“We should smoke together and try fucking again.” She lowers her voice. “Not right now or anything, but I bet you’d be an even better student if your inhibitions are gone.”

I nod. “But what about you? You’re already so good at everything. What happens when your inhibitions are lowered?”

“Oh honey,” she says. “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

We both laugh and go on with our conversation. Since we’re already in that frame of mind, I decide to treat Jess like I have the other guys this year and ask her my infamous questions to see if we’re compatible outside of the bedroom.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? (“George and Amal Clooney,” says Jess with zero hesitation. Jess is very committed to human rights and is one of the few people I’ve ever met who had heard of Amal before she married George. I shamefully realize I would want them to be my dinner guest for very different and very shallow reasons, but I love seeing them through her eyes. And it’s not like I don’t also admire all the good they do in the world. This question has made me oddly internally defensive. My bad.)

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? (Jess says she would so that she could use her platform and position to do good in the world. It’s a great answer. She’s pretty wonderful. “I do worry though,” she says, “about all of the negative attention I’d receive. I can take people criticizing me just fine, but I tend to shoot my mouth off to idiots and bigots. I’d probably stick my feet in my mouth all the damn time.”)

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? (“No, but I’ve been known to make several drafts of text messages before sending them. Once you push send on a text, there’s no coming back. The words are just out there.” I nod and make a mental note to adopt this policy. She’s so smart.)

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? (“I’m pretty happy today,” she says. “I love being by the water and being able to relax with good company. But in more general terms, I’d say a perfect day consists of a mix of productivity and relaxation. I like to feel as though I’ve accomplished something each day, even if it’s small.” I ask her if we should get off our lazy butts and go do something, but apparently, she counts getting me off as her accomplishment for the day. Works for me.)

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? (Jess’s sister had a baby last year and she loves singing lullabies to her. “I don’t have a great voice,” she says, “but the baby didn’t seem to mind. I can’t wait to sing to my own children one day.”)

6. If you were able to live to the age of ninety and retain either the mind or body of a thirty-year-old for the last sixty years of your life, which would you want? (Jess chooses mind pretty quickly. “I love seeing women who age gracefully,” she adds. “I’m not afraid to look older one day, but I’d be pretty devastated if my mind started to go. Or maybe I wouldn’t know and it wouldn’t matter? Eesh, that’s scary. Next question please.”)

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? (“Okay, this one is almost worse,” she says. I give her the option to pass and we move on.)

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. (“Other than our physical similarities?” she says, motioning from my body to hers. It’s true, now that I think of it. We both are about the same height and weight and as we’ve seen each other naked, the comparisons don’t end there. “I’d have to say we’re both kind, thoughtful, and funny. But seriously—we both have perfect boobs.”)

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? (“The acceptance and love of my family,” she says. “Coming out was a breeze. My parents have always been so supportive of me, and this was just an extension of that. I have friends who have been shunned from their families and friends. My heart aches for them.”)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? (Coming off the last question, I assume she won’t have an answer here, but she surprises me. “I had a lot of pressure put on me as a kid,” she explains. “My parents are immigrants, so they wanted us to do really well to prove that we belonged or something. I’m thankful in some ways because I wouldn’t be so successful without them pushing me, but it would have been nice to feel I could just be a kid, you know?”)

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. (“Well, I was born and raised in Los Angeles,” she begins. “We were pretty poor to start, but my dad was going to school while they both worked, and things got better when I was about ten. But before that, we really had to scrimp to make ends meet. Even after we were comfortable, they were really careful to make sure we didn’t overspend because they didn’t want us to backtrack. But they were still really generous to our family and friends. When people would move to the States, we’d bring over food and welcome them to the neighborhood. It was a big deal. Even on days when I know my mom was exhausted, she’d still find the time and energy.

“I rebelled a bit in high school when the pressure was too much but got my shit together as the years went on. I definitely had a few Jess Mariano years in there, hence my letter to you, but seeing what my parents did for me helped me get back on track. I went to school at UCLA on a scholarship, but I’ve been in Arizona for about three years now. I love it, but it’s nice to be able to get to California to visit often, especially now that I’m an auntie.”)

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? (“Is it lame if I say flying?” she says with a laugh. “I am kinda impatient and would love to be able to just fly places as needed. Even getting here today was annoying because I had to wait for the plane to bring me. I’ve gone skydiving a few times and it’s incredible. I just wish I didn’t need the parachute.”)

As we finish chatting, the sun begins to set, and Jess stands up from her chair to come sit between my legs. We look at out the ocean together, and I gently run my hand along her legs, stomach, arms, and neck as the colors in front of us become more vibrant.

A tear drops from my eyes and onto Jess’s shoulder and I realize how safe and content I feel. I may not be sure about a lot of things right now, but I know in this moment, I am at peace.