Chapter Eighteen

Gossip A to Z

May 10

Ice Cream Queen Heats Things Up With…a Woman?

Yes, that’s right, friends. Apparently, Cynthia Blake is sinking to new levels of desperation. Just dating a ton of men wasn’t enough for her, so she’s switching teams. We caught Blake at a restaurant with a local lesbian attorney for what looked like an innocent evening. Maybe they’re just friends?

But wait—a reader in San Diego spotted Blake and her new gal pal looking pretty cozy together on the beach in what can only be described as a romantic embrace. Has Ms. Blake already burned through the only men who would have her so fast she has to look to her own gender for love?

Nothing in Ms. Blake’s blog posts mentions her being bisexual, so this is clearly a new revelation. Or has she been gay all along and just toying with these other men? I guess it’s all a moot point anyway. If Cynthia Blake is so confused by this whole thing that she’s willing to date literally anyone, we can say with confidence this is going to end badly for all parties.

May 12

TRYING TO HIDE out in San Diego may have started out as a good plan, but ever since the newest Gossip A to Z post went up, I can’t help but look over my shoulder everywhere I go. How could I have been so stupid?

That question applies to quite a few things in my life right now. I still haven’t heard from Jess since she left and don’t think I will at all now she’s had her face plastered all over the internet. I’m sure she’s furious with me and she has every right to be. I know in my heart that I had/have feelings for her, but I obviously wasn’t considering her in the same way I’ve been thinking of Eric and Carter. I am scum.

Adding more evidence to the scum idea is what this all means for Eric. I was planning to tell him about Jess when he gets back to Arizona in a few days, but with the pictures of Jess and me now all over multiple websites, I’m pretty sure he’s aware. The first picture of us at dinner is really no big deal, other than it showing Jess’s face really clearly. The second picture is less clear on who she is, but it’s obviously me and we’re all tangled up on the beach. I don’t sit with friends like that and I’m pretty sure most straight women don’t either.

I still feel safer here than I do back home, so I’ve decided to stay a few days after Jess left in another ill-fated attempt at clearing my head. I’m mostly just stress eating and binge-watching Netflix, but when I can get myself up and outside, I’m at least relatively comforted by the presence of the ocean. The sun, however, is clearly judging me. I haven’t seen it in five days. I get it. I don’t deserve anything bright and joyful at the moment.

I have gone through about ten episodes of Parks and Rec today, which seems excessive, but also awesome because it’s so great. But hey, I didn’t buy a house so close to the beach so I could sit inside all day. Out into the world I must go.

I drag my chair out into the sand and try once again to think about where to go from here. The truth is that I might not actually have as many options as I previously thought I did. If Eric is as hurt about me dating someone while he was away as I imagine I would be in that situation, it’s probably over there. So, then, do I still quit everything and tell Carter I want to be with him? Will he be hurt thinking he only won by default? Did he?

It’s mostly cloudy today and a bit breezy, so I’ve got a hoodie on as I sit here and think, making it difficult for me to realize that I’m being approached by someone until he’s right beside me.

“Ever see The Wizard of Oz?” I hear Ben say.

I smile as I turn to see him pulling up his own chair to sit beside me.

“Well of course I have,” I say. “Hasn’t everyone?”

“I suppose they have. But not everyone has been wandering around looking like Dorothy lately.”

“So, does that make you the Scarecrow?”

“I like to think I have a brain,” he says with a laugh. “And I definitely have a heart. All good on courage too. You’ve just been looking a bit lost these last few days and I couldn’t help but think that you look like a girl trying to find her way home.”

“Maybe you’re the Wizard?” I nod. “And you’re supposed to fly me away in a great big balloon.”

“Ah, but isn’t that the point? You’ve had the power to get yourself home all along. Maybe you don’t have magic shoes, but I’m pretty sure you aren’t stuck here, my dear.”

“Maybe I’m not stuck, but I sure could use some advice.”

I take Ben through the last five months as quickly as I can, trying to include all relevant details without boring him to death. He’s a good listener though, and I can tell he’s taking it all in.

“Sounds like you have some apologizing to do,” he says when I finish. “And none of that texting crap people your age like to do. A real apology is delivered face to face while looking someone in the eye. Make your penance and see who still wants you around after that. You sound like a woman tortured by too many good options. It’s not the worst problem to have.”

“It’s not,” I agree. “But what if I apologize and they all decide I’m not worth the hassle? This whole mess with the Gossip A to Z blog and other websites is a nightmare.”

“The greater nightmare would be living your life so concerned by what other people say that you forget to fall in love, stay in love, and navigate all the obstacles of life together. You are not perfect and neither are they. The right person for you will love you even when you’ve fucked everything up.”

I laugh, but really think for a minute about what he’s saying. As quickly as I made the decision to drive out here at Kim’s suggestion, I know immediately that I need to get in my car again to head back to Arizona.

“Ben,” I say, standing and smiling down at him, “thank you for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I’ll keep an eye out for you when I come back, but it’s time for me to go.”

“Good girl,” he says, standing up to shake my hand. “I’ll see you around, kid.”

And with that, I drag my chair back up to my house, grab my purse, and lock up before giving the ocean a long look goodbye. I’ll miss it, but I know where I need to be right now and it’s not here. It’s good to get away from time to time, but there’s no place like home.