Chapter Twenty

May 16

“SORRY TO WAKE you, but there’s something you need to see right away.”

It’s 6:00 a.m. and Sam is once again calling me to alert me of something. This cannot be good. Or maybe she’s calling to say we just won the lottery. That would be weird, seeing as how we don’t play, but it’s too early for my brain to function and well, here we are.

“What do I need to see?” I say groggily.

“Jess posted an op-ed piece about you and it’s all over social media,” says Sam.

Shit. Shit shit shit. I barely slept, worried all night that I’ve ruined multiple lives, and now someone I’ve hurt has gone public with how shitty I am. I guess I had this coming.

“It’s not what you’re thinking,” she says sympathetically. “But you need to see it. We’re getting media requests like crazy. And not just local people.”

I move my phone away from my face and click on the link Sam texted me while we’ve been talking. I tell Sam I’ll call her back as the page loads.

Dating Cynthia Blake: The best/worst thing I’ve ever done

I am furious right now and need to set the record straight. First of all, let me state for the record that Cynthia Blake and I are not now, nor have we ever been, a couple. I first learned of Ms. Blake from an article about her search for love this year and was so intrigued that I reached out to her asking for a date. I did not tell her I was a woman, which lead to some pretty understandable confusion at our first meeting.

What happened next is between Ms. Blake and myself, or so I thought until I saw the nasty article written about us on the garbage website Gossip A to Z. First of all, where do you get off, judging Ms. Blake for allegedly dating a woman, as if bisexuality is some inherently terrible thing? This woman is trying to find someone to spend the rest of her life with. She should be exploring all avenues that feel right to her and shame on anyone who tries to judge her.

I know Cynthia to be a very kind, funny, and warm person. Any person would be lucky to end up with her and she has a big decision on her plate this year. Following along with her journey can be a great learning experience for all single people, most of whom will never be so bold as to try what she’s doing. I characterize my time with her as the best and worst decision because as much as I care for her, we are not meant to be. Getting to know her only made that harder to acknowledge because I know just how special she is.

The hurtful undertones of the Gossip A to Z post reek of homophobia and bigotry, not to mention slut-shaming and self-righteousness. I truly hope I never learn the identity of the writer of these posts. It would be hard for me to remain civil in the presence of such a hateful person.

tl;dr Cynthia Blake is awesome and whomever is attacking/stalking her sucks.

I finish reading and realize I have tears in my eyes. I know I hurt Jess, so for her to speak up defending me is just incredible. I need to see her soon to tell her how sorry I am and how much I appreciate her in person, but I call Sam back first to check in.

“Wow,” I say. “What kind of media requests are we getting?”

“Lots of interview and comment requests. And one production company sent an email last night asking if you’d be interested in starring in a reality show.”

“Hard pass,” I laugh.

“To which one?”

“All of it, for now,” I say. “I’ll post on the blog soon, but I don’t want this to turn into a media circus.”

“No offense, Cyn, but it kinda already has,” says Sam.

She’s right and I know it, but I don’t feel like adding fuel to the fire by going on the defensive.

“How are you holding up with all of this?” I ask, realizing this question is terribly overdue.

“Well, it’s a bit overwhelming,” she says. “And I’m worried about you. But I think I’m okay. I’ll let you know if it gets to be too much.”

“Please do. I’ll talk to you later.”

I was thinking I’d try to go back to sleep, but I’m wide awake now, so I get up to take a shower. On my way to the bathroom, I send Jess a quick note.

Me: Can I see you today? There is so much to say.

I hear my phone ping when I’m in the shower and come out to find her reply.

Jess: Of course. I agree. How about lunch?

I breathe a sigh of relief, and we make a plan to meet near her office in a few hours. In the meantime, I forward both the most recent Gossip A to Z post and Jess’s reply to Carter, just in case he hasn’t seen them.

Carter: Sounds like you could use an escape for our month.

Me: OMG yes. Get me out of here.

Carter: Have your passport ready and bags packed. I’ve got it all worked out.

Well, heck, that sounds promising. I’m not supposed to see Eric until tonight, and I wonder for a minute if I should send him what Jess wrote. It doesn’t change the fact that I slept with someone else when I was supposed to be figuring things with him out, but it does color things differently.

I look absentmindedly out of my window while I think about that, but as I’m convincing myself it’s not a good idea, something strange catches my eye. There’s a black SUV parked in a spot facing my condo, which is not unusual on its own. What’s weird is that I can see someone sitting in the front seat with a long lens pointed up toward my bedroom.

After closing all the blinds and curtains in the house, I slump down a wall and start to cry. I knew I’ve been followed lately. It’s the only thing that makes sense for the pictures that have been posted. But seeing someone outside my house, just waiting to see what I’ll do… I could throw up.

Me: Black SUV outside my condo. Photographer sitting in the driver’s seat. What do I do?

Kim: You do nothing. I’m on my way.

Me: Please don’t murder anyone.

Kim: No promises.

Kim only lives a few minutes away, but I’m still surprised when I hear tires squealing so quickly. So much for sneaking up on the guy. I peek out of the side of the window to see Kim’s car speeding toward the SUV, but he hears/sees her coming and is pulling away about as fast as she’s coming in. My heart skips a beat as I think she might pursue him, but she comes to a stop and slams the steering wheel in frustration before she gets out and walks toward my door.

I meet her there with a hug before unleashing a few swear words.

“What were you thinking?” I ask. “You could have been in an accident!”

“I was just trying to get in quickly so I could get the license plate number and see his face before he got away,” she says, shaking with adrenaline. “But I only got the first two letters and couldn’t see his face at all. I’m so sorry, Cyn. At least he’s gone.”

“No need to apologize. I was just worried about you. Do you know what kind of car it was?”

“Black?” she offers. “Big?”

“Man,” I laugh. “We suck at police work.”

“Yeah, I guess we didn’t really think this through. Are you okay?”

“I’m creeped out. But I’ll be okay. Maybe I should call the actual police next time. Is this even illegal?”

Kim shrugs and we both collapse into chairs in my kitchen with fits of laughter. It’s nice to laugh after feeling so upset just minutes ago.

I show Kim Jess’s article and fill her in on my time in San Diego.

“Aww, I love this Jess person,” she says. “Are you sure she’s not the one? Maybe if she knew you were really considering her as an option, she might change her mind.”

“I’m having lunch with her today to chat,” I say, “but I think on some level I had already ruled her out before even giving her a chance. I was seeing her as a friend and I really care about her, but I looked at her also as a representation of all women. That wasn’t fair.”

“Yeah, I can see that. Sounds like she’s too good for you anyway.”

I throw a dish towel at Kim, which she deftly catches and tosses back at me. It’s just the kind of levity I need after such a crazy morning. We chat for a while longer and Kim fills me in on what’s been going on with her. School is almost over for the year, and she’s been talking with Javier, but it’s still a bit awkward.

“I think the summer will do us both some good,” she says. “I feel like everyone is watching us at school.”

“Tell me about it,” I say.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” She sounds sheepish. “I guess you know what that’s like.”

I check my watch and realize it’s just about time for me to meet Jess, so Kim and I walk out together. We’re both scanning the area for the black SUV or someone else with a camera. Seeing nothing, we take off in separate directions.

As I pull up to the restaurant where I’m supposed to meet Jess, I see her walking from her car to the entrance. She looks effortlessly beautiful in a simple sundress, and I feel ridiculous once again for ever thinking I could be in her league. Not only is she beautiful, but she has proven herself to have grace and class under fire. Once again, I feel like scum.

I take my scummy self into the restaurant and search the tables for her. She sees me and waves, smiling a smile I surely don’t deserve. She doesn’t stand up to hug me when I get there, but that seems more than fair.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I blurt out. “But I can never thank you enough.”

“I did have to,” she says. “Whoever is writing that garbage needs to be put on blast. They weren’t just attacking you. There’s some real deep-seeded nastiness there.”

“Even still, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t give you, give us, the respect I should have.”

“Hey now. It’s not like I came into this thing under fully noble pretenses. I told you when we met that I also had a couple people on the hook. I’m not sure I was ever fully invested in us either. I mean, I think you are wonderful, but I brought my past into our time together just like you did. Maybe I lashed out at you because I was projecting some of my own insecurities onto you.”

“All I know is,” I begin, “I will always be incredibly grateful that you came into my life. You really are the Jess to my Rory.”

“Because I don’t take your shit and see you for who you could be instead of who you are?”

“Exactly. And since you brought it up, who should I be?”

She laughs but takes a minute to choose her next words carefully.

“You should be unapologetic and bold,” she says. “Do not let the judgment of others knock you off course this year. But you should also be vulnerable and curious. Let the people you are inviting into your life really come into your life. And don’t call this whole thing off until you’ve seen it through until the end. Eric was wrong to ask you to do that. It says more about him than it does about you.”

Now it’s my turn to take a minute to choose my words. She’s right. Carter knew me well enough to let me figure this out away from him. Maybe Eric just didn’t have the confidence to do the same.

“I’m so sorry about the whole Gossip A to Z thing,” I say. “Truly. You’re going to get a lot of hate mail for your reply.”

“I’m an outspoken lesbian who works with human rights cases,” she says, looking me right in the eye. “I stand up for the voiceless in literal life or death situations. A trashy website is not going to be the thing that breaks me. And I won’t let it be the thing that breaks you either.”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t be together? Cuz I’m really loving you right now.”

“I think you’re wonderful and I know we’ll be great friends, but to be honest, you’re terrible in bed.”

I watch her face to see if she’s kidding, then join her when she starts to laugh.

“I thought you were serious there for a minute,” I say, relieved.

“Well,” she says, “maybe not terrible, but I think you’ve been with men too long. Don’t get me wrong—it would have been fun to teach you a few more things, but honestly, I just don’t have the time.”

We both crack up with laughter and spend the rest of the lunch chatting about much less serious things. I compliment her dress and she offers to take me shopping. We manage to avoid anything about my love life until she leaves me with some parting words on our way out the door.

“Watch your back, Cyn,” she says, and the hairs on my arms stand up. “You should assume you are being followed everywhere. We both know the people behind this website are idiots, but they could still do some damage to your life and business.”

“Yeah, my only laugh about all of it has been all of their stupid typos,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.

“I find that angry people don’t always have the best grasp on grammar,” she agrees. “But seriously, I will always defend you, but this could get ugly.”

I nod and walk to my car, unable to shake the feeling that she’s absolutely right.

*

WITH HOW WELL my lunch with Jess went, I feel a bit better about meeting with Eric tonight. He’s coming over to see me so we can chat and even though I know I owe him some very real apologies, I realize he might owe me a couple as well. I don’t need him to by any means, but I feel slightly better knowing we both took some missteps.

When I hear a knock on my door, I yell for him to come in while I finish making dinner. I look over my shoulder to see Eric smiling at me and I’m even more relaxed. He looks ready to forgive me. Or maybe he just loves the sight of a woman cooking.

“You look beautiful even while you cook,” he says.

“That’s just your stomach talking,” I say, finishing up and heading to the sink to wash my hands.

“I’m so sorry.” He joins me at the sink. “It wasn’t fair for me to judge you when I basically spent our whole time apart with someone I have feelings for. I never should have asked you to abandon your plan.”

“But you did, and I agreed. So, I should have kept my word. I’m so sorry, Eric.”

“So now what do we do?” he asks.

“We eat dinner,” I say. “And maybe talk a bit, openly and honestly, about what we want.”

And that’s just what we do. I tell Eric about my pro/con list with him and Carter.

“How’d I do?” he asks.

“Just fine,” I say. “The cons were mostly logistics. I’m just not sure I could move to London. Well, I’m sure I can’t right now.”

He nods, looking sad, but I know he understands. Just like it would have been hard for him to stay here long-term, it would be as tough for me to uproot my life for him when I’m not even halfway through the year.

“I’ll give you the same space Carter did, then,” he says, sounding resolute. “Let’s see how we feel at the end of the year.”

“Deal,” I say. “Thank you for being so understanding.”

“Must be my princely nature. We royals are known for our magnanimity.”

“Pretty much every movie I’ve seen about the monarchy would suggest otherwise,” I laugh.

“Well, we can’t all be winners.” He smiles.

“When are you heading back to London?”

“Tomorrow, actually. We’ve already been pretty busy in the lab and I keep getting angry messages from Allen about how I’ve abandoned him or something.”

“Then I guess we should make tonight count.” I stand up and walk toward my bedroom.

Eric, not being stupid and being very much male, jumps up to follow me and chases me down the hallway. We land on my bed in a heap and start kissing furiously. There’s a different feel to our connection though, and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m sad that he’s leaving or a bit unsure of why he came back in the first place.

I feel hot, wet tears on my face before I realize I’m crying. Eric seems emotional too.

“I felt so sure when we talked yesterday that I could leave you again easily,” he says, pulling away from me. “But holding you again like this makes me want to tell Allen to piss off.”

“I know what you mean,” I say, swiping my fingers over my cheeks. “I can’t put it into words on any list, but I feel it deep inside me. This is just so right.”

“Speaking of feeling things deep inside you,” he quips, breaking the tension. “Sorry, sorry—I had to say it.”

I laugh and roll over on top of him where I feel exactly what he’d like to put deep inside me. We rock back and forth a few times, still completely clothed, then Eric rolls me over so that I’m on my back. We both do the awkward undressing thing where we’re still kinda laying down next to each other, but it gets the job done and soon we’re both naked, eager, and likely still emotional.

“I love you,” he says, entering me slowly. I shed another few tears, realizing this is the first time we’re having sex since saying those words to each other.

I want to say it back, but I instead pretend to be too caught up in the moment to speak. If I really loved him, wouldn’t I have been willing to go to London for him? Love should be unconditional, and I feel like I’ve thrown the condition of only being able to love him if he stays here onto our fate. Does that negate how I feel? Can my heart really love two people at the same time?

I try to focus on Eric, who is very much focused on our lovemaking. And it does feel wonderful to be literally connected to him like this. I turn off my brain for a minute and just let myself enjoy the feeling of him. It’s not our greatest time in bed, but he seems satisfied enough and I can’t help but smile as he kisses me before getting out of bed.

We decide to curl up in bed together to watch a movie before falling asleep in each other’s arms. I opt for La La Land, hoping the ending will be a subtle clue for him about how I feel, but Eric falls asleep before I can tell him cinematically what I know in my heart to be true.

That wasn’t love we were making; that was saying goodbye.