The Two Most Important Days

Daily Practices for a More Purposeful You

The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny—it is the light that guides your way.

—HERACLITUS

FOCUS ON FRIENDSHIPS FOR GREATER LONGEVITY

Growing old together with kindred spirits is one of the most enriching experiences available to human beings. Not only do intimacy and friendship boost happy feelings, but keeping good company can even delay that big solo adventure into the unknown.

Since the 1960s, isolation has been proven to increase the pace of mental decay in old age.1 Marjorie Lowenthal spearheaded research into the relationship of friendship to longevity and health. Her early work focused on the assumption that living alone can aggravate—or even cause—mental disorders in the elderly. She found that residents of assisted-living homes had worse mental clarity and other problems when they lived in extreme isolation. More recently, people have examined the correlation of friendship with health, longevity, education, adaptation, child-rearing, and business success, to name a few areas of study.

It has long been known there is tremendous benefit to having close friends, but now it even appears that friendships can delay death. According to a study published in 2012, loneliness is a serious health risk factor for those over age sixty. Carla Perissinotto and her peers at the University of California–San Francisco set out to determine if despair or solitude had a measurable influence on function decline and life span.2 The mean age of the subjects was seventy-one, and they invited a pool of 1,604 elderly volunteers to respond.

Beginning in 2002, they asked a series of questions to establish a baseline. Participants were asked if they felt left out, if they felt isolated, and finally, if they lacked companionship. More than 43 percent of the participants stated that they often felt lonely or did not engage in companionship activities.

Over the next six years at two-year intervals, scientists evaluated the research participants. They measured time to death as a primary outcome. They also measured changes in stair climbing, mobility, upper-extremity tasks, and general activities of daily living. Those who saw themselves as lonely individuals experienced pronounced decline in daily function and were 8 percent more likely to experience an early demise than their chummy peers.

Dr. Perissinotto’s research shines a light on the role sadness and isolation can play in an older person’s health, but even being young doesn’t mean you’re immune. Chronic loneliness appears to lead to high blood pressure, diminished immune response, coronary artery disease, depression, insomnia, and dementia.

Sound bad? We do know that one the greatest advantages of having friends is the contentment and support you feel knowing that they are there to support, encourage, and love you. Friendship makes you happy, and happy people make friends, and they make good friends. People are drawn to those who exude positive emotion. Much of the experimental research is limited by this basic tango: it is unclear whether the beneficial effects of friendship stem from the friendship itself or the happy feelings associated with it.3

Happiness has long been confirmed to produce a wide array of physiological and psychological benefits, from lower stress to enhanced mood.4 Likewise, since research on the subject only began in the 1960s, there has only been a small number of generations that have been studied. But what feels certain from studying existing data is that isolation is powerfully linked to increased incidence of debilitating psychiatric conditions.

The value of friendship can’t be overstated, but making friends is sometimes easier said than done. In assisted-living conditions, it can be quite difficult to meet new people and to replace friends who have passed or drifted away. Also, don’t think that because you are married or living with others that you are immune to loneliness. Over 60 percent of lonely people in one study were actually married, indicating that loneliness and being alone are two very different things. Finding and nurturing deep friendships is central to your health. What is even more vital is finding friendships with those who are kindred spirits—friends with whom you have shared understanding and perspectives.

Considering those individuals with whom you share the most precious thing in your life—time—is a way to ensure you have a broad perspective and are enriched by the strengths and experiences of others. Mull over these possible approaches.

Surround yourself with a cadre of friends who broaden your horizons, sharpen your intellect, and make you smile. You will find as you are enriched that you are also enriching them—and you are all smiling.

Seize the day! There’s no better way to do this than by celebrating the moments of your life, both big and small. For instance, have an indoor picnic by the fire with you partner while the snow falls in December. Celebrate your friend’s promotion by toasting her with champagne. If your son is recognized by his teacher for standing up for another student who was being bullied, surprise him by organizing a sleepover with his closest friends.

Don’t be insular. Avoid spending time only with like kind. Seek out friends in other professions, of different ages, and those with varying religious beliefs. For example, a friendship that pairs an atheist with a believer can enrich both parties—they may each discover they have shared values and prod each other to see the world from a different vantage point.

James Rohn has elegantly articulated that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Think about this, and think about who are those five people in your life at this moment. Reflecting on this will give you insight and enable you to consider if these individuals reflect your core values.

Being with someone elderly if you are young will give you greater historical perspective and also provide you with a long view of life. There’s benefit to the elderly as well. They can enjoy the fresh spirit, curiosity, and vitality of those who are relatively new to the world—and most importantly, children will alleviate the isolation that many seniors experience. Anna Kudak, coauthor of What Happy Women Do, said, “Friendships with older and younger people help broaden your perspective, which in turn allows you to have compassion and empathy in your day-to-day life.”5

Hold those close who have a loving and giving spirit. Negativity can breed negativity whereas those who exude positivity and good cheer can’t help but influence all those around them in the best possible way.

“A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, and it sparks extraordinary results,” as Wade Boggs said.

Remember, optimism and sunny dispositions are contagious.

PRACTICE FORGIVENESS

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

—MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

It is important to understand that forgiveness does not erase the past, but it brings solace in the present and can surely bring forth joy in the future. Forgiveness is central to successfully navigating life’s troubles. It is fundamental to spiritual growth, and it is absolutely essential to happiness.

If one thing is certain, it’s that painful experiences are a part of life. Importantly, forgiveness is the precursor to change and growth, offering a new perspective from which to view you the world. As Rumi wrote, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

Pain can’t be avoided, but how it affects your life in the aftermath of the experience is entirely up to you; it’s a personal decision. When a person hurts you, whether it’s a minor offense or a horrifying calamity, the event itself passes immediately. What remains with you is simply a thought or a feeling—a lingering memory of the hurt.

When your neighbor accidentally cuts down one of your shade trees, the offense itself happens quickly. It is the memory that loiters and is obtrusive. It is the carried grudge that poisons your mind and your neighborhood association meetings and stops you from wanting to see your neighbors in the future.

The offense you experience certainly damages your relationships with those who have offended you, but the lingering pain is the grudge itself that you carry with you and that you nurse by continually or repeatedly revisiting it.

Everett Worthington studies the effects of forgiveness and what he calls unforgiveness—the amount of grudge, bitterness, and resentment we hang on to over days, months, or even years. In his experiments, he asks participants to recount a specific personal offense. In these subjects, their blood pressure rises and their heart rates increase. Stress levels rise while the story is being told. Over time, these biological markers of rancor decrease to normal. However, some people return to a normal state much faster than others, indicating that there is a biological predisposition to people’s ability to forgive.

Whether because of a unique genetic nervous system structure or due to social upbringing, there are definite psychological and physiological differences in letting go of bitterness and grudges. Worthington mentions that many tend to ruminate upon grievances, trotting them out to repeatedly mull them over occasionally. This practice serves to keep the pain on our minds and in our hearts.

In fact, memory is central to prolonging pain from a slight or tragedy. Beirut is a place that has known excessive war, death, and conquest over the centuries. Archaeological digs uncover layer after layer of history that tells a story of strife and that points to a legacy of grief, dating back from ancient Rome to the crusades and modern-day acts of terrorism. The pain lingering from these tragedies is carried from generation to generation through actions and observations.

To ameliorate this legacy burden of pain in the center of the war-torn city, Alexandra Asseily is overseeing the construction of the Garden of Forgiveness. It is called Solidere, and it will become a place where the people of Lebanon can come and let go of ages of hurt. It is a central site of healing.6

Letting go is important to good mental health, and it is the responsibility of the offended person to actively forgive. In the Jewish religion, if a man offends someone, the offender must ask for forgiveness. If he is not forgiven, he must later ask again. If forgiveness is withheld three times, it is then the offended person’s responsibility to bear the blame for any remaining rancor. The initial offense may have caused some amount of damage, but it is the lingering, dwelling grudge that causes even more. If a person makes a conscious decision to inflict hurt upon himself by nursing hatred over an offense, the guilt no longer lies with the offender.7

Forgiving isn’t an easy process. It takes preparation, patience, and more practice. Wayne Dyer championed the field of forgiveness for many decades. He says forgiving yourself is the most important thing, and it can often be instrumental in forgiving others.8

As an example, you have a favorite apple tree that sparked fond memories of your childhood—and your neighbor cut it down. For as long as you can remember, each summer your father would plant an apple tree. Those summer days were occasions of joy and family connectedness. Unfortunately, one especially beautiful tree—a favorite of yours—began to lean over your neighbor’s house. You think he should let it go because he enjoys its beauty, and it also poses no harm, but he sees it differently. He complains frequently and quite vocally until you eventually consent to let him cut it down.

Now you’re upset for two reasons—at him for being so persistent and at yourself for not holding your ground. You feel you gave in too easily, whereas you could have held out for many years. Letting go of your guilt isn’t easy either, especially with the pleasant memories of your father planting the tree and your swinging from it throughout your youth. You feel like you’ve let your father down as well. It’s also difficult to forgive your neighbor for creating the situation.

So how do you forgive both yourself and him? How do you move on?

The founder of Tiny Buddha says you first must forgive yourself and release yourself from the painful story.9

It may sound easier said than done. Here are the steps.

1. Move on. Remember that the offense is in the past, and it can only affect your happiness if you carry it forward.

2. Shift your focus from blame to understanding. Allow the full range of feelings—from pain to understanding to positivity—to permeate you, but do not judge them. Do not judge anyone. Simply feel what you wish to feel. Dyer says, “Shift your mental energy to allowing yourself to be with whatever you’re feeling—let the experience be, without blaming others for your feelings.”10

3. Avoid telling others what to do or how to react to the incident. This will make forgiveness less necessary, as people will not offend you with falling short of your expectations. Remember that people are perfectly capable of making their own decisions, and if they offend you, it may be because you have made yourself into an easily offended person.

4. Be like water. Do not dominate or try to change the people around you. Try to flow around the stones, bend with the wind, and roll with the punches. Accept that humans are flawed, and we will inevitably hurt each other, even by accident.

5. Take responsibility for your part in the offense. This will keep you from further victimizing yourself. If you had a hand in the offense—even minor—forgive yourself. If you truly did not have a hand in the offense, take responsibility for letting it go.

6. Be kind instead of right. A Chinese proverb says if you’re going to pursue revenge, you’d better dig two graves. In other words, if you choose to carry resentment about something a person has done or said, and if you act on that resentment in any way, you will not be righting the wrong; you will simply double the amount of resentment stemming from the offense. Kindness is an active choice that relegates the hurt to the rearview mirror—it is simply behind both of you.

7. Think like a social creature. Remind yourself of how much forgiveness would mean to you if it were you who made the mistake. Putting yourself in the shoes of the person who hurt you can go a long way toward aiding understanding. Did you ever have a fender bender and feel angry because a distracted driver has damaged your car? As a result, you will now have to deal with tedious paperwork and time spent on car repairs. Consider that this individual may have life pressures you know nothing about. Can you find empathy in your heart for this individual? Consider what a precious gift this is for both that person and yourself.

As Rumi wrote, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

8. Don’t look for occasions to be offended. If you look for offense, you will always find it. Ever gotten mad at a dog over something? When the dog chews your slipper, it may irritate you, but you don’t take it personally. You are likely only offended by a sense of premeditated harm or a personal offense. It is helpful to assume the best of people. Don’t assume they are acting out of malice. Often they have personal motivators that are unrelated to you. Most people are not consciously trying to harm others with words and actions, and this is especially true for those you love.

Send love. No matter what, love will always feel better than hate. If you decide to love the person you are harboring a grudge against, it will lighten your own heart and the hearts of those around you. After all, isn’t removing the hurt exactly what you want? Who wants to relive the slight over and over? Giving and receiving love is a cleansing process that reduces stress and eliminates resentment. It is difficult to be angry with someone while thinking loving thoughts about them. And you will relieve the pressure on others who are affected by choosing to let go. This is a gift to yourself, the offender, and others who share in the pain.

Forgiveness is for you, not them. It is your life that you are trying to improve with forgiveness. It is your life that will be lightened with love. The weight of rancor is yours alone to carry or you can simply choose to put it down.

But why should you love a person who has wronged you? Here’s the most important reason: forgiveness is for you, not them. It is your life that you are trying to improve with forgiveness. It is your life that will be lightened with love. The weight of rancor is yours alone to carry—or you can simply choose to put it down.

Remember, as Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “Compassion is a verb.”

LISTEN TO MUSIC

Bob Marley said it best: “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”

Music has been common to all cultures, in every part of the world, throughout all time. There is even some evidence in the form of primitive flutes found in ancient archaeological sites that music may have preceded language. Music is a boon to mood and serves as a tool for productivity, whether we are revving up for a football game, celebrating joy at a wedding, or getting in the zone at the gym.

Imagine a single experience that can lift you up, tear you down, energize you, calm you, anger you, make you weep with joy, put you to sleep, and wake you up. Music does all of this. It is an amazing product of human intelligence, and in it is reflected everything that makes us human: every emotion, every dream, every fear, from our flutist ancient ancestors to our lullaby-listening infants. Music taps into the whole brain and carries with it the power of the whole human experience.

When we listen to music, a variety of effects cascade along the beat of our daily life. Stress is immediately reduced, moods change, work becomes more focused, sleep comes without a fight. What’s more exciting is that we can track the benefits of music and apply them to our life at will once we know how. Let’s look at several of the benefits of music and how to use them to our best advantage.

Stress Reduction and Relaxation

The potent effect of music is the ability to enable us to instantly relax and de-stress. Researchers at the University of Missouri found that listening to music when angry or depressed provides immediate relief.11 Low-tempo, mellow music is an obvious choice, but it turns out that if you listen to music you enjoy, it will help no matter what the tempo. Individuals respond differently to different kinds of music, and what sounds aggressive and harsh to one person may sound energizing and empowering to another.

It has also been found that patients who listened to music prior to an operation had lower stress levels than when taking antianxiety medication. Music prevents stress-related increases in heart rate, blood pressure, and cortisol levels prior to surgery. Another study revealed that music helped heart surgery patients to recover with significantly less morphine to manage pain. The study found that music and morphine can do the very same thing.

A Dose of Music

Music’s ability to produce calming, euphoric effects is rooted in the biology of the brain. When a person listens to music, the whole brain is engaged. Areas dedicated to language, long-term memory, and short-term memory are stimulated. When we listen to music that we really like or that gives us the chills, the neurochemical dopamine is released.

Music and morphine work the same way because they both introduce this “feel good” neurotransmitter into your brain’s striatum. The striatum is an area that responds to rewarding stimuli, like food and sex. This is likely why people list music in the top-five things that are pleasurable.12

The effect of music is well documented. It produces a chemical jolt on the brain. That means that since the whole brain is engaged when grooving, real changes can be made to your brain’s abilities and general balance. Choosing what music to listen to can impact how you feel. It can relax you for an operation, and it can get you ready for your day.

Focus, Energize, Hit the Zone

Teresa Amabile, a Harvard Business School professor, and an independent researcher named Steven Kramer proposed to The New York Times that employees are far more likely to have new ideas on days when they feel happier. Conventional wisdom suggests that pressure enhances performance, but real-time data show that workers perform better when they are happily engaged in what they do.

So are happy workers more productive, more imaginative, and more motivated? With music dumping dopamine in the “chocolate and sex” center of your brain, it seems to follow that music at work is a good idea. But why wait until you get to work?

The commute can be a hard time of the day, whether you struggle in traffic or ride public transit. Studies have indicated that eliminating a long commute can make employees as happy as a $40,000 raise. If a commute is long, then spending that time listening to music will boost happiness to the tune of a few thousand dollars, at least.

Lose Weight, the Musical

It is probably no surprise that music helps with working out and losing weight. Who doesn’t grab an iPod or crank up the stereo when it’s time to exercise? Research shows that folks who combine music with a good diet and exercise get more out of their efforts than those who only diet and exercise.

This could be because it is just plain easier to exercise with musical accompaniment. Humans get energized when listening to music, particularly up-tempo and peppy music. Beethoven’s “Für Elise” is not going to do the job when practicing your powerlifting; however, songs with a rhythm between 120 and 140 beats per minute (BPM) will make you push harder. Think about how a polka or rock and roll gets you moving.

On top of driving you with a bouncing beat, music helps in fitness training by distracting you from the physical pain of the exertion or inspiring you to push yourself as hard as you can to achieve your dreams. Ever heard the Rocky training anthem “Gonna Fly Now” in your head while you work out and strive to get Stallone’s abs? It works better than you may think. In fact, music can be used to help create any mood. Not just the mood for running up stairs.

Mood Management

Using music to your advantage can become a part of your daily life. The benefits to mind and body can be harnessed with some study and thought and a willingness to let tunes change your ’tude. A playlist can be created for every type of mood you wish to boost, from sleepiness to happiness. The place to start is a checklist. The next time you hear a song that gives you that shiver down your spine or an adrenaline rush, take a moment to reflect. In the book Your Playlist Can Change Your Life: 10 Proven Ways Your Favorite Music Can Revolutionize Your Health, Memory, Organization, Alertness, and More, the authors make a few suggestions on how to apply music to your life in a practical way. They suggest answering the following questions using a five-star rating system, just like the ones on iTunes and other music media players.

◆ How relaxed does this song make me feel?

◆ How happy does this song make me feel?

◆ How energized does this song make me feel?

◆ How motivated and inspired does this song make me feel?

◆ How focused do I feel when I listen to this song?

When we listen to music a variety of effects cascade along the beat of our daily life. Stress is immediately reduced, moods change, work becomes more focused, sleep comes without a fight. What’s more exciting is that we can track the benefits of music and apply them to our life at will, once we know how. Let’s look at several of the benefits of music, and how to use them to our best advantage.

Once you have gathered some answers about your own tastes and what drives you toward certain moods, you can assemble playlists for each occasion. Try to make several playlists, for different goals, such as “Rocky champ workout” or “lonely without chocolate at bedtime.”

Best Music for the Big Happy

The number-one most-sought-after mood is happiness, so what does the research show regarding music that boosts happiness? This is the most studied emotional impact of music. Jack Lewis, a neuroscientist studying music’s effect on happiness, discovered that consonant, upbeat music in a major key is most effective.13

Consonance is the quality of notes matching each other. Cultural differences can change what people consider consonant, but if you grew up exposed to Western culture, for example, then fast-paced, predictable melodies in a major key are the choice for you if you want to boost your happiness.

According to research, pop music is a good choice for increasing your happiness quotient, especially if the songs are familiar. Familiar songs give us an extra boost, as the dopamine infusion of happy music combines with feel-good chemicals produced by pleasant memories. We all get a lift out of listening to the same song that played when we first learned to drive or had our first kiss. Music engages the memory sections of the brain quite heavily, so find songs that hit you hard, until you feel no pain.

Lewis compiled a list of Songs by Science. The songs listed below are scientifically proven to make you feel chipper.

◆ Prince—“Sexy Dancer”

◆ B. B. King—“Let the Good Times Roll”

◆ The Beach Boys—“Surfin’ USA”

◆ Curtis Mayfield—“Victory”

◆ Bob Marley—“Three Little Birds”

◆ Muddy Waters—“Got My Mojo Workin’”

◆ Boney M.—“Sunny”

◆ The Darkness—“I Believe in a Thing Called Love”

◆ Scissor Sisters—“Take Your Mama”

◆ OutKast—“Hey Ya!”

◆ The Futureheads—“Acapella”

◆ Daft Punk—“Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”

◆ M People—“Movin’ on Up”

◆ Tchaikovsky—1812 Overture

An entertaining work exercise is to ask your office colleagues what music makes them happy and create a playlist with all of these songs. You will notice the immediate joyful effect it has on your coworkers.

The Mind-Body Connection

To get the most out of musical medicine, there needs to be a certain level of commitment to the idea of grooving or rocking out. The mind must be willing for the body to hear the music.

A study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology found that those participants who were given happy music to listen to and instructions to try to feel happier fared better than those who were only given happy music, without instruction.

This attention to one’s own mind and body is termed mindfulness, and it is the pathway to success in mood management. A strong connection to our emotional core allows music to bring forth what we most desire—joyfulness.

Humans are hardwired for empathy, and our emotions are mirrored in the emotions of other listeners. Lewis discovered this truth as well when he found that acapella music created a strong sense of bonding and happiness. He said, “Music is so ingrained into humans that it doesn’t need instruments to have an effect on us. When we hear emotion in a human voice our brains are tuned to feel some of this emotion ourselves.”

We react to the emotions in the human voices of the singers whether or not they are accompanied by instruments. In an acapella song, we bond with the artists. Even a song in another language can evoke empathetic responses. “La Llorona” from the movie Frida is a song that conveys its emotional gravity whether you speak Spanish or not and whether you see the video or not. Chills abound as an old woman sings a despairing song of a murdering ghost-mother, even if one does not know of the Hispanic urban legend about La Llorona.

Tips to Enhance Your Day with Music

Matching the music to the setting is important for it to be effective. Armed with assorted playlists, any day can be highlighted with golden melodies if properly selected. Check out this list of tips for picking the right anthem for your day.

◆ Wake up to whatever gives you musical energy. Upbeat music can get you up faster, but gentle and calming music can keep you from worrying about an upcoming stressful meeting.

◆ At work, what you listen to depends on what you are doing:

− If your work involves numbers or attention to detail, listen to classical music.

− Listen to pop music if your work involves data entry.

− If your work involves solving equations, listen to ambient music.

− If you need to problem-solve at work, listen to dance music.14

◆ At the gym, push the tempo up to 120 BPM or more.

◆ Sing along, hum, or just snap your fingers. Playing music hits the right spots too.

◆ Bedtime beats should be at around 60 BPM and include some nostalgia.

◆ Pick songs you know and like throughout your day. Pleasure centers light up when you get those chills. However, research participants who did not choose the music they were listening to did not get the same pleasure effects and pleasure center stimulation.15

◆ That said, for overall general pleasure, don’t forget the delight of hearing an old song you had forgotten about or a new one that tears your heart out.

Get a Move On!

James Brown was an energetic performer, and the effect of his contagious energy was never more evident than when he yowled, “I feel good!” Ecstatically singing and dancing brought Mr. Brown health, wealth, and happiness. He sang, “I feel good! I knew that I would!” Get up and move to it and you, too, can feel good!

At the Beckman Institute in Illinois, scientists are currently studying the positive impact of movement and energy.16 Mood is boosted, of course, through the innate opioid release commonly known as “runner’s high.” But running isn’t the only way to move, of course, and runner’s high isn’t the only benefit of exercise. Vascular health is improved, which means improved circulation to the brain.

When exercising, neurotropic chemicals get squeezed into your system, including brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), a neuron cell growth stimulator. On top of that, your brain gets better nutrition as glucose and lipid metabolism are cranked up to power your joyous exercise. The brain gets the same boost as your heart, so don’t forget to exercise before putting on your thinking cap.

Luckily, vigorous movement gets your brain, as well as your body, in shape. Over time, with exercise, thinking gets easier, just like that uphill section of your daily run challenges the body to get stronger.

In 2014, researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana–Champaign linked physical activity with increased white matter of the brain.17 White matter comprises the portion of our brains that carries signals across clusters of cell bodies (gray matter), like superhighways. A strong, tight white matter network means faster processing speeds and excellent memory and retrieval.

Studies show that physical exertion improved these biological structures of the brain, creating denser microfiber arrangements in young and old participants. That’s right, jogging can tone your abs and your cerebrum simultaneously.18

Why white matter adores exercise is unclear, but one possibility is improved cardiovascular flow. White matter is mainly composed of lipid tissue (fat). Capillaries run through these long, fat-sheathed connections, allowing blood to flow and new vessels and sheaths to be formed. When the blood gets pumping during exercise, the very essence of life courses through your brain.

There are dozens of ways to get some physical exercise each day. Listening to “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John is a good start, in fact. Dance is the happiest form of fitness. There is a reason people go out to dance at clubs when they want to let off steam at the end of the week. Grooving has been a stress reliever for humanity since the days of celebrating mammoth hunts with a victory dance.

A group of Swedish researchers studied 112 teenage girls who struggled with pain, stress, anxiety, and depression. The girls were divided into a dance class group and a control group. Those in the dance class reported a mood boost and better sustained mental health, even up to eight months after the classes ended.19

Other researchers at the University of Derby in their own study on the sexy-happy effects of salsa lessons cite the endorphin release from exercise as the cause of these improvements. In addition to the good old runner’s high, there is the added element of social interaction, a thing we humans crave.

Learning to dance and feeling confident while dancing, just like learning any new skill, increases self-confidence as well—something that is essential to everyone, not just teenage girls. Not to be out-boogied by the Swedes or the English, German scientists examined twenty-two tango dancers to see how their stress levels compared to the more lead-footed population.20 The sultry and complicated footwork gave the participants confidence and significantly lowered depression and cortisol, a stress hormone. Testosterone levels and feelings of sexy, relaxed empowerment were high, which is only to be expected after learning to dance.

Dana Santas is a pro athlete yoga instructor who developed Radius Yoga Conditioning, a style of yoga designed to help athletes move, breathe, and better focus. She has been helping professional sports teams such as the Atlanta Braves and the Orlando Magic to perform to the best of their ability—both on and off the field. To her, confident health is as easy as one, two, three. She has developed a short yoga routine intended to quickly boost happiness, based on three versions of the warrior pose. Holding these poses for just five breaths on each side takes about two minutes altogether, and the impact is felt immediately.

Science has shown that we can efficiently reverse the physiological response to emotional stimuli by consciously altering our postures and thoughts. Just a few minutes of deep breathing will stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for lowering cortisol, blood pressure, and heart rate. With this in mind, Santas developed an effective yoga routine to spark serenity. Her routine is based on poses, breathing, and meditation.

Diaphragmatic breathing is essential to relaxation. To practice, simply inhale deeply and focus on expanding your lower ribs without arching your back. Then slowly exhale, pushing all the air out from the deepest corners of your lungs. Do this for ninety seconds and you’re on your way.

A wonderful side effect of this breathing routine is that it intensifies your awareness of the moment. It is surprisingly difficult to worry about unpaid bills and other daily concerns while concentrating on your breathing. Focus all your attention on the flow of air moving through your nose, throat, and chest. How does it feel when your lungs are filled? Can you expand yourself even more with the next breath? Try relaxing your eyelids while breathing, or feel the gentle breath across your lips as you exhale through your mouth.

This sets the stage for yoga poses that are described below.21 Warrior is an open-body pose, which a 2010 Harvard study showed was responsible for increasing testosterone, bringing feelings of confidence and self-assuredness, and reducing cortisol, all leading to a stress-free state of power-bliss.

Warrior one

From standing, step back into a lunge but drop your back heel and point your toes out 45 degrees. Keep your back leg straight with your forward knee flexed above your ankle. Lift your arms overhead, shoulder-distance apart. Hold for five long, deep breaths. Repeat on the other side.

Warrior two

Step your right leg back, as though you are coming into a lunge position, but drop the right heel and point the toes out to almost 90 degrees. Keep your right leg straight with your left knee bent to align above your ankle. With your shoulders aligned above your hips, reach your right arm back and left arm forward with your palms down. Look past your front hand and take five long, deep breaths. Repeat on the other side.

Warrior three

Shift your weight into your right leg and begin to take weight off your left leg. Exhale fully to drop your rib cage and have better access to core muscles to help stabilize you. When you feel steady, reach your arms forward and left leg back along a horizontal line. Try to hold it for two or three breaths. Repeat on the other side.

There is also a body of intriguing scientific evidence indicating that couples who sweat together, stay together. Working out together will not only improve the efficiency of your workout but there’s this wonderful bonus—it’s a way to further your bond.22 After all, exercising together can make your hearts flutter. The effects of working out—sweating, heavy breathing, flushed skin—are also the hallmarks of physical love and can be used to trigger or strengthen physical attraction to your partner. Of course, the physiological benefits of exercise, like muscle tone and endurance, also add to the desirability quotient in the bedroom.

Since the 1960s, it has been known that just having someone present when you work out will increase your probability of finishing it. However, don’t turn your workout buddy into your coach. This may threaten to stress your relationship and hinder progress. It is important to consider that your workout buddy doesn’t have to live in the same city. He or she can live hundreds of miles away, and you can plan an exercise routine together and have a daily check-in.

The shared experience is a great source of validation, and if you’re a runner, sharing a runner’s high is a powerful bonding experience. Jointly exercising also invokes the innate benefits of mimicry and mirroring. Nonverbal matching behaviors create a subconscious bond that can be the foundation of meaningful relationships.23

Some tips to get you moving and keep you there include the following:

◆ Find an exercise buddy. Even if you can’t make it to the gym together, find someone you can count on to keep you on task. They can live halfway across the country, so long as they are committed to moving to feel good. Tell them your exercise plans and have them check up on you! And you do the same for them.

◆ Have your doctor write an exercise prescription. Refills are infinite. It will get you out of your office or cubicle and maybe even out of the building for a bit. You might want to wave your scrip at the boss as you head for the sunshine.

◆ Track your success. Get a Fitbit or similar wearable device to provide yourself with feedback on your hard work. Sure, rock-hard abs and accelerated thinking are great, but where is the pie chart? Fitbit has an excellent app that tracks your goals, gives you pats on the back (we all love that!), and tells your friends (see “Find an exercise buddy” above).

◆ Take a yoga class. Doing yoga with a friend is terrific, and classes or a regular meet-up can give you all the benefits of an exercise buddy combined with education on self-improvement and social rewards! For an all-around mind-body boost, it is hard to beat yoga with a group of friends.

◆ Avoid a sedentary lifestyle. In studies at the Beckman Institute, the quantity or intensity of exercise has been shown to be unimportant to the neurological outcomes. It was simply doing physical activity that was positively correlated with white matter strength. Just get up and move a little each hour. The Fitbit has an alarm for that too. So does your phone.

◆ Sing in the shower. Just do it! It makes you feel good. But don’t dance. Too slippery.

MEDITATION

Your beliefs become your thoughts,

Your thoughts become your words,

Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,

Your values become your destiny.

—MAHATMA GANDHI

Meditation and Children

Meditation is truly for everyone, regardless of age. The benefits to adults have been well documented, but did you know that children can also reap the tremendous rewards of meditation?

Nothing makes this point as well on one study in particular that used meditation to address issues of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which has become a common malady in children throughout the world. That represents a whole lot of little guys and girls. When children affected by ADHD learned to practice meditation, they demonstrated fewer symptoms of the disorder and experienced a reduction or elimination of the ADHD medication.

Bess O’Connor of the Chopra Center suggests there are many ways to encourage children to practice mindfulness. More than working to have them mind what you say, they can be taught to mind what they are saying—and feeling too. The key is to work with your children to help them understand their feelings and behaviors so that they can have the wonderful enlightenment that comes with a regular practice of meditation—they can control their thoughts, which then control behavior.

O’Connor recommends that the best place to begin is—you be the change. Kids model their behavior after their parents, and if they see you taking time to calm yourself, it will be a learned behavior for them. Practicing silence and voluntary time-outs are rudimentary forms of meditation. These basic practices bring attention to the absence of motion and lay the groundwork for more advanced self-control. Try playing “the quiet game,” which, for all its ridicule in popular cinema, is, in fact, more difficult than its name implies. It has the benefit of also working for adults because being in a state of quiet can be a challenge for many adults. Try it with your children and see that it will clear your mind of your to-do list and calendar.

To encourage your children to begin this practice, consider guided meditation apps and wearable devices to appeal to their enjoyment of bright colors and flashing lights. The animations found on apps combine healthy meditative activities with screen time.

One simple exercise is to ask your children to pretend they are breathing in the scent of a flower and use their exhaled breath to pretend they are blowing out a candle. You will be surprised how quickly this engages them.

Another exercise is to ask your children to gaze into the flame of a candle or at a lava lamp. The fire and the swirling colors will hold his or her attention long enough to make the transition to tranquility.

One other practice is to have your children lie flat and then instruct them to focus on various parts of their bodies, unwinding the muscles one body part at a time. Start with the toes and work up to the top of the head. Give them something to imagine, such as ants marching along or magic dust sprinkled on their limbs, to relax them.

Meditation and You

Now that you understand the benefits of meditation for children, here’s how you can begin your own meditative practice. Find the meditation that’s right for you. All the wisdom traditions have espoused the benefits of meditation throughout the ages, and they all have myriad benefits.24 One particular meditation may suit you the best.

You should meditate at least once a day, and if you don’t have time to do that, you should meditate twice a day.

1. Buddhist Meditation

Zen meditation, known as zazen, is a technique based on the spiritual techniques of ancient Buddhist monks. Peace is achieved by concentrating on breathing or by simply practicing effortless presence—the art of just being.25

2. Vipassana

Another Buddhist meditation technique, known as Vipassana, traces its roots back to sixth-century India. Vipassana means to see things as they really are. It is often referred to as insight meditation. It is practiced through self-observation by focusing on the deep connection between mind and body.

3. Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the art of being aware of the present moment through nonjudgmental observation of your thoughts and feelings, your breath, or bodily sensation. Active practice looks much like Vipassana, from which it takes its origins. However, mindfulness is considered more a philosophy to be continually practiced than a discrete activity to calm oneself.26

4. Loving-Kindness

Loving-kindness meditation is a way to increase compassion. It is essentially a method to cultivate love for yourself and others. It increases serenity by decreasing hostility and resentment. The language of loving-kindness involves silently repeating these words:

May I be filled with loving-kindness.

May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be at ease and happy.

The practices involve four steps. First, direct these words to yourself. Second, direct them to a loved one. Third, direct them to someone about whom you are neutral. Fourth, and perhaps most important, direct them toward someone who has hurt you and to whom you are feeling resentful.

5. Transcendental Meditation

Transcendental meditation, or TM, is an ancient technique from India. It is an effortless meditation that is practiced twice daily for fifteen to twenty minutes. It allows your body to settle into a deep state of relaxation while the mind remains alert. TM allows for the powerful release of accumulated stress and returns you to a state of wholeness, wellness, and happiness.

6. Taoist Meditation

Taoist meditation is associated with ancient Chinese philosophy and the religion of Taoism. The practice is designed to create, manipulate, and circulate internal energy. The techniques involve concentration, insight, and visualization. Using silent focus, usually on breathing, a state of clarity and calmness are achieved, leading to intuitive insights.27

7. Christian Meditation

Christian prayer is a scientifically proven and highly effective method of meditation. Some regard prayer as slightly different from other forms of medication in that it is directed outward, whereas many forms of meditation are directed inward—however, the outcomes may be similar. Both prayer and meditation fall under the category of contemplative practices. Contemplative prayer is the repetition of chants or thoughts, often using an instrument such as the rosary. It promotes a feeling of calm and focuses the mind, setting the stage for a more powerful connection to God or self. The beads of the rosary are used to count off repetitions. Catholics are not alone in using beads as part of their daily devotions. Prayer beads are also common in Hinduism (Japa Mala beads), Sikhism, Buddhism, and Islam.28

8. Guided Meditations

Guided meditation is a technique where a teacher, therapist, or smartphone speaks to you and gently guides you through a relaxing series of visualizations. Some focus on breathing and use imagery, while others focus on the sounds of nature, such as those made by crickets, waves, or the wind. Myriad forms of these guided tours to tranquility can be found everywhere, from psychiatrist offices to your smartphone and Fitbit stores. Also, guided meditations are found on podcasts featuring motivational speakers, therapists, and yogis.29

Many of these meditations involve breathing, but all of them have the benefit of slowing your breath and increasing your essential life force. Practicing any form of meditation will ultimately breathe new life into you, rekindle your spirit, and bring you closer to achieving your life purpose.

You may think you don’t have time to cram meditation into your busy life, but there is a wise adage for you to ponder: you should meditate at least once a day, and if you don’t have time to do that, you should meditate twice a day.