We’ve still only got half a kitchen but the new cooker is in. Come for dinner at seven.
It was typical of Zinnia that an invitation was phrased as an instruction but Lily decided to accept the olive branch. Thank you. I’m dog-sitting for a couple of days though. OK to bring him? He’s at least as well behaved as me.
No prob, bring him, Zinnia replied.
A light-up reindeer pranced on the porch of the neat, ex-council semi-detached house Zinnia lived in with her boyfriend George. The narrow street was crowded with cars but Lily found a place to park. As it was still only five to seven she used the time to listen to a voicemail that had come in while she’d been driving from Middledip to Huntingdon. Her heart put in an extra beat when she heard Isaac’s voice. ‘Hi, it’s me. When you pick up this message, can you please get in contact? I’m back at the pub.’ Her heart skipped again. Had Hayley’s friends returned to look after her?
Isaac’s warm, even voice went on. ‘Tubb said I could bring Hayley back here so she’s got someone nearby to help when she needs it.’ Oh.
A hesitation, then he said, ‘She’s in the other guest accommodation.’ The last few words were rushed, uncertain.
He’d installed Hayley at The Three Fishes and he sounded weird about it. Defensive. Lily’s heart slowed to a dragging, sinking rhythm, a heart she’d apparently opened up to him in one night of sex, fast and hard or slow and languorous, waking each other for more. Pathways of kisses, stroking fingers, hard flesh in soft.
There would be no more now. It would feel as if she was doing something wrong because he was, on some basis, involved with Hayley again. She sighed.
They had to make contact because of Doggo and the stuff he’d left behind in Switzerland but it was a relief when he didn’t answer his phone. She left a message, carefully pragmatic and bland.
From the back seat, Doggo whined as if to say that the car had stopped and so it was now Lily’s duty to take him somewhere fun. Smiling at his quivering tail and flattened ears Lily got him out, waited while he cocked his leg on Zinnia’s gate post then said, ‘C’mon then. Let’s see what kind of mood she’s in. I hope it’s not a difficult one because I could actually do with a hug.’
Zinnia and George did welcome Lily with literally open arms, taking it in turns to pull her in for the hugs she’d wished for. George was the strong, silent type, both good qualities for Zinnia’s boyfriend, but he opened up enough to say, ‘I’m really glad you’ve shown up because your sister’s moping for you.’
‘I am,’ Zinnia confirmed, making a faux sad face with big eyes and a quivering lip. Then she hugged Lily again, causing Doggo to try and shove in for his share of fuss.
They went into the kitchen to gaze at the half-stripped, half-burnt surroundings, the new range cooker representing progress. Zinnia went into great detail about how the finished result would look while George nodded along, simultaneously checking on the lasagne in the oven and ripping open bags of salad from the fridge, which had survived the fire. Smoke had damaged other parts of the house but those walls had already been painted.
It was an atmosphere so much like the one Lily was used to with her sister, before the existence of her half-brothers intervened, that her heart blossomed. She felt … she felt safe again with Zinnia. It was such a relief that her knees actually wobbled.
A dodgy moment arose when Zinnia caught sight of Lily’s left hand, currently turning brown. ‘Oh, Lileeee,’ she keened, eyes horrified. ‘Just look at that! Poor you. I’m so sorry; you know I’m sorry, don’t you? I absolutely didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I can’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me for a while. You must hate me.’ And she burst into tears.
Lily got emotional too, hugging Zinnia anew. ‘I knew it was an accident but I needed time to get over things. I’m sorry I went silent on you.’ George and Doggo both hovered wearing matching anxious expressions.
Finally, Zinnia blew her nose and recovered herself in time to lay the table. ‘I want to hear all about your Swiss trip. How did you get on with Garrick?’ She said his name with an air of determination, as if she’d made up her mind to accept his place in Lily’s world.
Lily pulled out a chair and sat down with a sigh. ‘Disaster,’ she admitted.
Dipping garlic bread dispiritedly into the lasagne she recounted the calamitous evening and her stupidity in never considering that Tubb might not have told Garrick about their father’s affair. ‘So that’s that,’ she ended bleakly. ‘I’m going to stay at The Three Fishes in the short term unless someone says I can’t. But I’m obviously not welcome in the family.’
Zinnia looked poised to cry again. ‘I’m so sorry it went so crap. Those idiots! They need to get over their own shallow egos and be thankful they have such a wonderful person as a sister.’
That made Lily laugh. ‘Zin! It’s not long since you were hating them from a distance and setting me ultimatums.’
Zinnia looked abashed. ‘Yes, but I’m viewing things differently.’ She glanced at George. Colour flooded her face. ‘I’ve been wanting to tell you something but I didn’t want to do it over the phone when you were angry with me.’ She sucked in a breath. ‘We’re having a baby.’
Lily dropped her fork, splashing the tablecloth with red dots of tomato herb sauce. ‘That’s fantastic! Huge congratulations!’ She jumped from her seat, almost tripping in her haste to dish out hugs, laughing at Doggo dancing around and trying to join in their excitement with his big, deep, ‘WOAH! WOAH!’ Zinnia hugged Lily back, gladly and hard. ‘I never want to be not-friends with you again. I’m probably looking at things with baby-goggles on but I think I have a bit more insight into what a blood tie means now. I’m sad and upset that your brothers acted like arses.’
‘Me, too.’ Lead settled in Lily’s stomach. ‘Have you seen much of the mums? What do they think about the baby?’
Zinnia looked even sadder. ‘They’re happy, I think, but focused on their own crap. I’ve more or less been told to leave them to sort themselves out.’
‘Same here but it seems all wrong for them to be apart. I know their relationship has had its volatile moments but I thought they’d always stick it out.’ Lily heaved a sigh. Life seemed tough at the moment.
Despite what she’d been told, when Wednesday passed with no word from her mum, on Thursday morning Lily decided to drive to Peterborough and call in on Roma in an ‘I was passing and it seemed wrong not to’ way. They could enjoy the news about the baby together. ‘And,’ she told Doggo, who was riding like royalty in the front of her car again, ‘I can tell her what happened with Tubb and Garrick and be a bit pathetic. You’re allowed to do that with your mum.’
She pulled up in the drive, got Doggo out and let him sniff, then went in through the back door as usual. ‘Hello, Mum?’ she shouted as she kicked off her boots. To her surprise, it was Patsie’s voice that answered, ‘In the living room, darling.’
Patsie? Lily felt a stirring of hope as she walked up the quarry-stone passage, Doggo’s nails clicking. She found her mothers seated on the sofa but not close to one another. It was as if they’d left room for another person between them, symbolically enough. Doggo, after a quick sniff of hands, took possession of the rug in front of the wood-burning stove with a contented sigh.
Roma hugged Lily. ‘Hello, gorgeous.’ She sounded tired but otherwise composed.
Patsie hugged Lily too, just as always. ‘Glad you’re here. We were talking about you …’ She glanced at Roma.
Knees suddenly weak, Lily sat down on the armchair. ‘What?’
Patsie looked as if she were about to address a client, clasping her hands in her lap on her smart smoke-grey dress. Roma looked as if she was about to go out for coffee with boho friends, her stripy blue jeans tight and her flowery pink shirt loose. Roma cleared her throat. ‘Have you heard Zinnia’s news?’
Lily smiled properly for the first time since walking into the house. ‘Yes! Isn’t it fantastic? Are you guys pleased?’
‘We’re thrilled,’ Patsie said, a smile breaking over her face. She paused, looking at Roma again.
Roma fidgeted. ‘Now we know we’re going to be grandmothers it’s given us a new sense of what’s important.’ She carefully didn’t look at Patsie. ‘Lily, would you be OK if we weren’t around for Christmas? Someone at Patsie’s work has a cottage we can use. We thought it might be a good time to see if there’s anything to be rescued. Zinnia’s going to George’s parents’ for Christmas though, so we’re a bit worried it will leave you high and dry.’ Her eyes were apprehensive.
‘You go if you want to,’ Lily said immediately, finding herself beaming that her parents might not be splitting up after all. Thinking of them apart, of Roma being sad and left behind, made her feel as if she’d eaten a bowl of cold jelly in one gulp. ‘I’ll help at the pub with Christmas lunch anyway. It’ll be nice to spend Christmas in the village.’
Both Roma and Patsie looked relieved and almost immediately Patsie rose. ‘I’ve got a client meeting at four so I’ll leave you to chat. Maybe we can all go out for a pre-Christmas dinner? I’ll ask Zinnia and George.’ She blew kisses, which Lily supposed obviated the necessity of kissing her kind-of estranged/kind-of thinking of getting back together lover – or not – in front of Lily, before hurrying out.
Roma sighed as soon as they heard the door close behind Patsie. ‘Thank you for understanding. It’s been—’ she scrabbled for a tissue ‘—really tough. I thought she’d gone for good but then we went out for a glass of wine and she said she’d broken things off with “the other woman”.’ She made air quotes with her fingers before blowing her nose. ‘I demanded to know why she’d felt the need for her, what she had that I didn’t, why it had somehow been important enough to split us up but now apparently wasn’t important enough to pursue. We had a blazing row in the middle of a pub, swearing at each other like sailors. I thought that was it forever.’ She gulped, pressing a finger and thumb against each eyelid.
‘Then she rang and said she was missing me and could we talk. So we’re talking, but real life’s getting in the way. I’ve got two assignments before Christmas and she’s got court dates and stuff. And I don’t know if I can get over that other woman. She has pointed out the irony, as I expected her to get over my fling with Marvin.’
Lily shifted to the sofa to thread her arms around her mother. ‘I’m sorry it’s so painful, Mum, but I think talking is the right thing.’ Hot tears welled in her eyes. She wouldn’t burden Roma with what had happened with her brothers after all and she didn’t want her sussing out that if Lily’s job at The Three Fishes evaporated she’d have nowhere to go on Christmas Day.
‘It’s stopped raining. Fancy a walk?’ she suggested instead. ‘We could go to Ferry Meadows and have a late lunch at the garden centre.’
Roma sniffed. ‘That would be perfect!’ and when Lily picked up the dog lead Doggo switched from profoundly asleep to on his feet with a shake and a wag, and they got their coats and set out.
When Lily eventually got home in the late afternoon, the apartment felt quiet and it was dark and gloomy outside. She checked her email but neither of her London Book Fair clients had got back to her. She’d just risen from the table when Doggo suddenly flung himself at the French doors with a wildly beating tail, ‘WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, hnuh hnuh WOAH,’ almost giving Lily a heart attack.
Then she saw Isaac standing on the other side of the glass smiling uncertainly and her heart began beating again with a thump.
Slowly, she clicked the unlock mechanism. Isaac slid the pane of glass aside and stepped inside. ‘I came to see you this morning but you weren’t here.’ He crouched to fuss Doggo, who was whirling on the spot with joy, butting Isaac’s hands as if frightened he’d forget how to use them to stroke dogs. Isaac’s brown eyes never left Lily’s.
It felt to Lily as if she were falling, falling, falling, leaving her stomach behind. Isaac was obviously unsure of his welcome. It made two of them. Lily wanted to throw herself on him with every bit as much enthusiasm as Doggo had. But she couldn’t.
Roma’s broken-hearted sobbing about ‘the other woman’ jumped into her mind. She sort of felt like the other woman herself. ‘So, Hayley’s moved in with you at the pub,’ she said, as Isaac ended his Doggo love-fest and rose to face her. ‘That sounds sensible. You’ll be on the premises to satisfy the licence and can work in between seeing to her needs. You’ll only ever be a staircase away.’
He took a step towards her. ‘She hasn’t moved in with me.’ Another step, until he could take her hands.
Lily stepped back, pulling her fingers away and putting them over her mouth. ‘Don’t kiss me while you’re living with Hayley. It feels wrong.’
His dark brows snapped down above his nose. ‘She’s in the other guest accommodation; we’re not living together. She’s in trouble; she’s got no one. I’ve been put on the spot.’
‘That she’s in a room next to yours is too fine a distinction for me to be good with. She can’t live alone, I take it?’ She was pretty sure she knew that but wanted to hear it from him.
He made an impatient movement. ‘She’s only eight days post-op. She can’t move her arm above her head, can’t pull herself up or push herself up, can’t just hop into the shower—’ He stopped, as if seeing the misstep he was about to make.
Remembering the feel of his fingers in her wet hair, Lily had to suppress a shiver of longing. ‘So you’re helping her with her personal needs,’ she finished for him. ‘You’re being intimate with her. I know you feel you’ve got to. In fact, I even admire you for it because it can’t be an easy situation. But for anything to be going on between us at the same time—’ she made a to-and-fro motion between them ‘—is too weird. Wrong. Awkward.’ She met his frustrated gaze for a long moment.
Then, in case her own eyes betrayed her sorrow and longing, she turned away. ‘I’ve got your case and backpack here. Let me just get Doggo’s stuff together. I’ll bet Hayley’s longing to see him again.’
After a long, silent moment, he said, ‘I’d like to lie about that so you’d keep him a bit longer and I’d have excuses to see you, but you’re right. A Doggo hug is just what Hayley needs.’
Her heart clenched like a fist with long, scratchy fingernails.
‘Lily—’ he hesitated ‘—you and I, we haven’t done anything wrong. I’m not “with” Hayley any more than I was before. She just needs help. If she wasn’t my ex or if she was a bloke you’d have no trouble with this.’
‘But she is your ex and she isn’t a bloke,’ she pointed out.
Silently, she helped him cart Doggo’s dog cave into his car, which, unlike hers, was big enough to take it, and shove his luggage onto the back seat. Lastly, she gave Doggo’s lead back to Isaac, careful not to touch him. Then she squatted down to give Doggo a big hug. ‘Thank you for your company,’ she said formally, half-blinded with tears. ‘See you Friday at work, Isaac. I’m sorry our time was cut short.’ And she jumped up and ran down the path at the side of Carola’s house.
Soon she was safely shut in her apartment. She closed the blinds over the French doors and switched the TV on, turning the volume up loud.