Jacob
Something is definitely wrong.
She has not looked me in the eye for the past hour.
I follow Brian Haley outside where the vet is just driving up in his truck. I’m glad he’s finally here. I just want to get Raj away from this place—find out what is up with her—the sooner the better.
“Call me Rob,” the vet introduces himself.
He’s a younger guy, but doesn’t seem to be lacking for confidence. He casually takes charge, ordering Haley and me to tie up both horses. Moon, inside the corral, while I lead Buck around the outside, tying him up so the horses’ heads are together but the fence separates their bodies.
The filly is surprisingly relaxed as Rob thoroughly examines her. At some point Raj comes outside, walks up to the corral, but stays on the other side of Buck, and watches what the vet is doing.
Sometime later he asks Haley to lead Arion’s Moon around the corral, while he observes. Then he instructs the trainer to bring her into the stable so he can take some X-rays. He goes to his truck and pulls a large, silver, oversized suitcase from the back and carries it inside.
When they disappear inside, I lean over Buck’s shoulder and glance at Rajani.
“Talk to me.”
She keeps her eyes averted and shakes her head.
“Not now.”
She pushes away from the enclosure and begins to walk past the stables to where a path leads into the trees beyond. I don’t know whether I should go after her or whether it’s better to leave her alone. Probably the latter, but it may not be safe having her traipse around here by herself. I’m about to follow her when Oliver Doyle comes walking from the direction of the house. I hadn’t even realized he was missing.
“Where is everyone?” he wants to know.
“Taking X-rays of the horse in the stable, and Ms. Baqri went for a walk.”
He pulls up a carefully manicured eyebrow. “A walk?” Then he looks around. “Where did she go?”
I point in the direction she disappeared, and he immediately rushes after her. They return a few minutes later, at the same time the stable doors open and the trainer leads the horse back outside. The vet is right behind him and leaves his suitcase next to his truck before walking in this direction.
“Give me a minute to review these X-rays,” he addresses me. “But everything else so far looks good.”
“I’ll go wait in the truck,” Raj announces, after Rob returns to his vehicle.
I watch her go, knowing we’ll have an interesting drive back to Four Oaks. The one good thing is she’ll be stuck in the truck with me. If this is coming to a head, I’ll at least have an opportunity to explain.
I hope.
Half an hour later, we make our way down the long driveway, Buck and Arion’s Moon in the trailer we’re pulling. Raj is silent beside me, and I don’t have the heart to say anything. I’d do anything to avoid the conversation I know is inevitable, so like a coward I keep my mouth shut.
It’s not until we pass through Russell Springs, she breaks the silence.
“Wheeler was at the lodge.”
It takes me a second to realize what she’s saying, and when it hits, I almost swerve off the road.
“What? You saw him?”
“Heard him talking to someone. He was in an office all the way down the hall at the other side of the house.”
“Jesus, tell me you weren’t snooping around.”
She finally darts me a glance, an impassive look on her face.
“Okay. Then I won’t.”
The knuckles of my hands on the wheel turn white, I’m squeezing so damn hard. The thought of her poking around with Wheeler in the house sends chills down my spine.
“Who was he talking to?”
“He was talking to Brian Haley.” She pauses for a moment before she adds, “About you.”
Oh shit.
“At first, I wondered why you wouldn’t have mentioned knowing Haley before. Then it occurred to me you seemed as taken aback as I was, which would imply you didn’t know him. Which was underlined when I heard Haley say he doubted you were actually Hamish Adrian.”
“Onyx…”
She shakes her head sharply.
“No. I’m not done, Ha—” She waves her hand in front of her face. “I don’t even know what to call you.”
She turns to me with tears in her eyes, and I immediately look for a place to pull off.
“I don’t want you to stop,” she says, guessing my intentions. “Keep driving.”
“Okay.”
I don’t say anything else, giving her a chance to finish what she wants to say. She seems to need to compose herself, making me feel even more like a fucking bastard than I already do, but I wait while she stares out of the window.
“I would’ve slept with you last night. Jesus…I kissed you. Do you know how messed up that is?” she finally shares.
“Raj…”
She twists in her seat to look at me.
“I struggled. I was torn, being drawn to you felt like a betrayal.” She barks out a harsh laugh. “And all the time I was being betrayed. How’s that for irony?”
“Rajani…I never meant—”
“Who is Hamish Adrian, Jacob?” she interrupts me.
There’s a rest stop coming up and I turn off the highway and find a quiet spot at the back of the parking lot. Then I undo my seat belt and shift in my seat so we’re face-to-face.
“Hamish Adrian is a horse trainer in Ontario, Canada, who was injured in a barn fire a couple of years ago. He’s also a good friend and brother-in-arms, who gave me permission to use his identity in an important case.”
“Glad to know you didn’t lie about everything,” she scoffs.
“That kiss wasn’t a lie. The way I feel about you isn’t a lie. What I told you about Bernice wasn’t a lie, although she’s not my landlady, but manages my house. And for the record, I absolutely hated every lie I did tell you.”
She huffs.
“Then why the subterfuge? For more than three years you’ve been hiding behind technology. But you can show yourself pretending to be someone else? I don’t get it. I really don’t.”
And I don’t know how to explain it to her. Not yet. Not until the job is done.
“It was the only way I could get close to you. The only way for me to protect you.”
“Then why assign me this job in the first place?”
She throws her hands up in frustration and turns away from me, aiming her eyes out the window, mumbling.
“Jesus, this is crazy, I feel like I’ve been betrayed by two of you.”
Onyx
“I assigned it to you because you were the best possible choice for this particular job.”
In other words, he doesn’t care to explain. A managerial brush-off if ever I heard one.
I have so many questions, I don’t even know where to start.
Actually, I do.
“Would you drive, please? We’re wasting time sitting on the side of the road.”
Just take me home, where I can hide out with my thoughts.
I feel his eyes on me before he finally pulls out of the parking lot.
“How do you know so much?” I finally ask, adding, “About us, I mean: Kate, Janey, and me. Where do you get your information? Why hire us specifically? Did you live at Transition House? Did you know someone there?”
I snap my head around at him when he doesn’t answer. His eyes are fixed forward and his jaw is clenched. When he glances over at me, I recognize regret in his eyes. I don’t want to see it, I’m too angry right now, but it’s there.
“I promise you, all those questions I will answer…after we find a way to take down Wheeler.”
“Why not now?” I persist.
He shakes his head. “There’s a good reason for that, trust me.”
I bark out a harsh laugh.
“Trust you? That’s rich.”
I focus on the landscape whizzing by outside the truck, nurturing my anger so I don’t break down and cry. At least he has the sense to stay quiet as well.
I’m overwhelmed with thoughts and conflicting emotions. How is it possible I am so angry and still feel a sense of relief? Don’t get me wrong, the betrayal cuts deep, but I’m starting to understand how it’s possible I fell for someone I thought was a stranger as fast as I did. I already knew and was drawn to him; I just wasn’t aware of it.
“What about the scars?” I suddenly wonder out loud. “If you weren’t in that barn fire, how did you get your burns?”
When I turn my head, I just catch him touching a hand to his face.
“Fifteen years ago, my unit was part of a convoy in Afghanistan when we were attacked. Hamish and I were lucky. The two of us ended up in a military hospital in Germany.”
My hand is pressed against my chest. There is so much more in that response than a simple answer. I’m still trying to come up with something appropriate to say, when he offers more information.
“It’s where I met Bernie. She was an army nurse, close to retirement, and spent a lot of dark nights next to my bed. We stayed in touch and she’s had my back ever since.”
Again, I’m learning a lot more about Jacob than I ever have, and my anger fades under a wave of empathy.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” I state softly.
“I’m not telling you this for pity,” he returns immediately, sounding annoyed.
“Who said anything about pity?” I fire back. “I’m expressing empathy for someone I care about. That’s not pity.”
Silence returns, each of us lost in our own thoughts, but this time it’s him speaking first.
“You care about me? Still?”
I glare at him.
“Really? I’m too pissed to answer that right now.”
This time, neither of us says anything until we pull into the driveway to the farm.
“Can you drop me off?” I ask him.
“Sure.”
He brings the truck to a halt when we get to the house. I’m in the process of getting out when his voice stops me.
“I realize this may be too big an ask, but I hope you can keep this to yourself for now.”
I turn around.
“Why?”
“I don’t want to distract the team. I can’t risk anything impacting the investigation. We need everyone sharp.”
I want to argue. I want to lash out, but knowing my sisters of the heart, they would be upset, not only on their own behalf but on mine as well. It’s quite possible it would affect their focus.
“Fine,” I reluctantly agree, getting out of the truck.
“Thank you. And, Rajani?”
I pause with the door in my hand and glance at him.
“I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Not that it makes a difference, but I fully intended to tell you everything once Wheeler was taken care of.”
He’s right, at this moment it doesn’t change anything, but I actually do believe him. That doesn’t stop me from being hurt and feeling like a fool.
He leans his upper body over the center console. “And for the record, I was awake all last night imagining you right there in bed with me.”
I’m not going to pretend his words don’t have an impact. The blush burning my cheeks would make a liar out of me. Still, I shut the door and walk toward the house, hearing the truck begin to roll toward the stables behind me.
Once inside, I head straight for my en suite bathroom and run myself a bath. While it fills, I go pour myself a generous glass of wine and set it on the edge of the tub while I strip. Then I add bath oil to the water and get in, grabbing my glass as I lean back.
Funny, I’m usually the one my friends come to for a friendly ear, but now I could use one, I’m not able to call on them. Unfortunately, it leaves me alone with my thoughts and a host of emotions, making me vulnerable to memories I normally keep carefully contained.
I close my eyes against the burning, but it’s useless, the tears fall anyway. It’s as if old trauma and buried grief create a painful vacuum in my chest. Before I have a chance to stop myself, I begin sobbing uncontrollably.
The lid on my vault of memories seems to have come off and there doesn’t seem to be any way to hold the flow back, so I just let them come.
I’m seventeen again, full of hope one moment and paralyzed by terror the next. We were defenseless, our hands tied with the threat of harm to those we cared about. Puppets for him to play out his sick, perverted fantasies.
I remember Nathan whispering to me urgently, telling me to look in his eyes to the exclusion of anything else happening. I held his steady gaze, his face impassive but pain undeniable in his eyes at the ultimate violation.
We’d held out, vowing to wait until after we were free. What should have been a pure and special experience was defiled by David Wheeler. Then with my eyes still holding Nathan’s, he was pulled off me and told by Wheeler if he resisted that I would pay the price. He told me if I caused any more trouble, I’d only make life harder for the younger girls.
As Nathan pulled up his pants, he promised me he’d find a way to come for me and the girls, before walking outside as Wheeler ordered. I got off the kitchen table and watched through the window over the sink, as Nathan was forced into the trunk of a car. I hung on to his promise after the car drove off, and cleaned myself up as best I could at the kitchen sink. Then I went back upstairs to the dorm room where I’d left Kate and Janey sleeping, my heart cracked and my dreams squashed.
Three days later, during mealtime, Dr. Sladky announced Nathan had died in an unfortunate accident.
My hope died right along with him.