God will take you to Plan Z and then say,
“Where’s the rest of your alphabet?”
We can’t halt or even slow the aging process for our parents or grandparents.
I paused after writing those words. They stood so starkly against the white of the computer-page background.
We can’t stop this from happening.
But that doesn’t mean we are helpless to make an impact on these years and our loved ones’ comfort. A wise, studied, informed, compassionate child is a gift to an aging parent, no matter what diseases or disorders complicate the scene.
As my mother aged and I attempted to meet her physical and emotional needs, a single sentence replayed in my mind: How would I want to be treated if I were the aging mother and my daughter or sons were caring for me?
Rachael Wonderlin, who has a masters’ degree in gerontology, considered the same question when she wrote “16 Things I Would Want if I Got Dementia” (alzheimersreadingroom.com; July 30, 2016). It is easy to see how her points would matter to an aging parent even if dementia were not an issue. Briefly, she says:
•I would want friends and family to embrace my reality. Let me believe whatever I believe.
•Talk to me like an adult, not a child.
•Take the time to figure out why I’m agitated.
•Treat me the way you would want to be treated.
•Don’t talk about me as if I’m not in the room.
•Don’t feel guilty if you cannot care for me 24/7.
•Don’t act frustrated if I mix up names, events, or places.
•Don’t exclude me from parties and family gatherings.
•Know that I still like hugs and handshakes.
•Remember that I am still the person you know and love.
The Alzheimer’s Care Resource Center in Florida adds some guidelines for keeping relationships in good repair when parents are well into the aging process or battling dementia. This counsel aligns with the growing but hard-to-swallow wisdom that tells us to avoid correcting what we see as “mistakes” in our aging parents. It won’t help to try to correct them if their minds aren’t functioning as they once did and logic is no longer strong. It won’t make a difference later. In the long run, it doesn’t matter. But the attempt at correction is certain to add to the parent’s level of frustration—and the caregiver’s as well.
In its “Alzheimer’s Communication” poster, the Resource Center says:
•Never argue. Instead, agree.
•Never reason. Instead, divert.
•Never shame. Instead, distract.
•Never lecture. Instead, reassure.
•Never say, “Remember?” Instead, reminisce.
•Never say, “I told you.” Instead, repeat and regroup.
•Never say, “You can’t.” Instead, let them do what they can.
•Never condescend. Instead, encourage.
Note how many of those points coincide with what God advises in His Word.
“Love covers a multitude of sins,” says 1 Peter 4:8 (NLT).
“Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others]” (1 Peter 4:8 AMP).
“Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ” (Ephesians 4:32 CEB).
“The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20 ESV).
What other practical ideas will help us love our aging parents well, even when dementia gets in the way—as it will for one in nine Americans over age sixty-five and one-third of Americans over the age of eighty-five, according to the Alzheimer’s Association?
“My dad was a hunter, a fisherman, and a trapper,” Sheila says. “That’s where his heart was. When he was overcome with cancer, he was in the hospital way down at the end of the wing. We visited him regularly, but there were times when no one could be there with him. So we bought him a CD of lake sounds.
“He was hard of hearing from working in the mill. One day we got off the elevator in the middle of the floor and heard lake loons, as clear as anything. It didn’t dawn on us until we started walking that the loons were coming from Dad’s room. He had turned up the CD so he could hear it. He’d always had a great sense of humor, but this time he was not trying to be funny. A little loony, maybe.”
Another friend of mine said, “One of my brothers brought a painting of an elderly man praying at the dining table to the assisted-living center so Mom would see something familiar when she opened her eyes. We filled her room with cards and plants and family.”
“We tapped into what Dad could remember,” yet another friend told me. “He couldn’t recall what year it was or his own age, but he remembered every word of his favorite songs from the 1940s. So we kept that music playing in his room. It calmed him and lit his eyes with recognition that only kicked in when the music played.”
“Music imprints itself in the brain deeper than any other human experience. . . . Music brings back the feeling of life when nothing else can,” observed neurologist Dr. Oliver Sacks.
Carrie tells how the gift of music eased the emotional pain of watching her grandmother approaching her final days. “One day we were sitting with her while she was getting anxious. My mom (her daughter) suggested we sing some hymns. No matter what Alzheimer’s took away from my Sunday-school-teacher grandmother, it couldn’t take away ‘Jesus Loves Me.’ Grandmother sang every word—with gusto.
“At the end, as we sang the final notes of the Bible tells me so, she added ‘PERIOD.’ Emphatically. Such a tender touch from God for all of us.
“We even sang ‘Jesus Loves Me’ at her funeral. Our music minister made sure we all added ‘PERIOD’ at the end.”
Creator God,
For whom inventing worms that make silk
And bee regurgitation that becomes sweet honey
And foxgloves that
Provide medicine
That regulates
A human heartbeat
Were no great challenge,
Feed me ideas
Daily
For how I can make a difference
In my parents’ lives.