Caregiving and loneliness
share an excess of common ground.
An infrequently referenced story in the Bible illustrates that caring about and for the elderly in their last years is not for the faint of heart. The custom embedded in the story may seem curious to modern minds, especially for those unfamiliar with the culture of biblical times.
First Kings 1:1–4 (CEB) tells us that King David had grown old. Old-old. Very old. Feeble. Weak. Close to death. “His servants covered him with blankets, but he couldn’t stay warm. They said to him, ‘Allow us to find a young woman for our master the king. She will serve the king and take care of him by lying beside our master the king and keeping him warm.’ ”
That’s the curiosity, although later in that chapter the biblical text makes it clear that the concept was purely for comfort and not for physical intimacy. Some commentators suggest that David’s physicians thought the young woman’s vitality might revive him as she served her role as practical nurse and, well, human blanket.
Next comes the part with which we can better identify: “So [the servants] looked in every corner of Israel until they found Abishag from Shunem” (verse 3).
They looked everywhere. In every corner. They searched diligently to find someone fitting for this assignment, someone both caring and willing to make the sacrifices that were asked of the young woman.
Caregiving is a hard, consuming, isolating assignment, even with the most pleasant parent and for those in the most loving of relationships. Caregiving takes a toll, whether the caregiving is from a distance or in-home, full-time or part-time. As if the heart is ever off duty.
Caregiving has traditionally been handled by women, but more men are assuming that responsibility. “As illnesses progress in loved ones, family caregivers become increasingly responsible for hands-on care, such as assisting with bathing and hygiene, as well as cooking, cleaning, and managing bills,” says Karla Washington, assistant professor with the University of Missouri’s department of family and community medicine.
“This extra load of responsibility can cause serious stress in a caretaker’s life,” Washington added. Researchers found that of the 280 family caregivers studied, women “had much lower self-esteem, less family support, and more harmful consequences in terms of their health and schedules than men.”
A study published by JAMA [Journal of American Medical Association] Internal Medicine concluded that “caregivers who provided substantial medical help were more likely to report emotional, financial, and physical difficulties than those who provided no medical help. Additionally, they were more than five times more likely to report having trouble making time for enjoyable activities and three times more likely to report worse job productivity.”
Job productivity. Yes. A majority of those heavily involved in caregiving also hold jobs.
Joyce says, “When my parents considered moving to Mississippi, it was with the thought of taking care of their own parents as they grew older. We had no idea my mother would need our tender, loving care.
“She had severe headaches for several months before finally going to the doctor. They discovered a brain tumor. Following surgery, she returned home and was progressing well.
“But she began to experience the same symptoms again. Another brain tumor and another surgery. Both tumors, she was told, were benign.
“As she was recovering in the hospital,” Joyce said, “her hip began to hurt. She was diagnosed with bone cancer. I cannot tell you how the mental, physical, and emotional toll affected all of us.
“Through the process you learn, you pray, and you hope. My dad was very gracious and tender toward my mother. We faced it together. We gathered around her bed and prayed with her with tears. Our lives were changed, but our faith was not.”
“So many treated me like some kind of saint because I wanted to help care for my mother. I did it because it was the right thing to do! The fact that she was so precious made things easier,” said one loving daughter.
“Hospice folks told me I would be the winner out of this whole ordeal, and they were right. The Lord taught us all so much about each other, about trusting Him, and the importance of making the most of each day.
“This has been the hardest year of my life, but I would not have traded the opportunity to be there for my mother.”
If we stew because we have no help but we haven’t asked for help—from family members, friends, our church, or the community—or described how isolated we feel in caring for our parent, then we’ve skipped a vital communication step.
If we’ve asked repeatedly and received no response, rather than letting the lack of response ratchet up our stress level, it’s time to turn to other resources.
As unsettling as it might feel initially, adult children of aging parents who search out a support group, inperson or online, find others with similar concerns who can offer understanding, ideas, and a reminder that they’re not alone.
Every caregiver needs a listening ear. It might be a spouse, a friend, or, if necessary, a counselor. Some advisors add that the listening ear doesn’t necessarily have to be of the human variety. (And by that, I mean a pet. Aliens make poor listeners. Or so I’ve heard.)
One of God’s most oft-repeated comforts for His children has direct application for adult children caring tirelessly for aging parents: “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10 NLT).
The feeling that we are alone is an inaccuracy. He is there with us in the middle of it all.
With me even here, Lord?
When I have to turn my eyes away
Because my parents’ hands tremble
And I know they will not stop?
With me even here, Lord?
When he can’t remember how to swallow
And I’m coaching my father
In a task he cannot master?
With me even here, Lord?
When my mother tells me
She wishes she’d been able
To have children?
With me even here, Lord?
When I’m performing tasks
Better suited to a newborn
Than a parent?
Even here?
“Lo, I am with you always”
(Matthew 28:20 NASB).