Fergus: I’ll pick you up at six. Bring your appetite. xx
I’ve read Fergus’s last text at least a dozen times since he sent it a few hours ago, but that doesn’t stop me from reading it again. He helped me run my errands this morning before dropping me off at home with a promise to text when he knew what time he’d pick me up tonight. It’s five o’clock now, and I’m ready to go. One of the super fun things about my anxiety is that I’m always ready for things way ahead of time. My brain comes up with a million and one things that could happen to delay me: I could get a phone call, I could slip in the shower, the jeans I chose might suddenly not fit even though they fit perfectly last week. Welcome to Anxietyville, population: Me. Even when I’m fully aware of the fact I’m being irrational, I can’t control it.
I turn my phone over and over in my hand. All I want is to call one of my friends and have them give me a pep talk. Evie and Stella are out on dates tonight, though, and Hollie is thousands of kilometers away, not to mention it’s 10 p.m. in London and she’s likely either out with Spencer or maybe even in bed for the night since she mentioned the jet lag was hitting her hard.
My phone buzzes in my hand, startling me. I let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob when I see Hollie’s message on the screen.
My Spidey senses are tingling. Is everything okay?
The four of us have often joked about being telepathically linked. I suppose it’s only natural since we’ve known each other our whole lives. We’ve even experienced that strange phenomenon of synced periods over the years.
Me: I feel like Stella would make a Star Wars joke right now, something about the Force being strong with this one. Your Best Friend Powers still work from almost six thousand kilometers away.
Seconds after the little Read check mark appears, my phone rings with a video chat request.
“You must have something better to do than talk to me at ten o’clock on a Friday night while you’re in London with your hot new boyfriend,” I say.
“What can I say, I’m needy and I missed your face.” Hollie squints at the screen. “Your face looks extra good tonight. What’s the occasion?”
I laugh. Hollie hasn’t even been gone for a week, but seeing her and hearing her voice makes me realize how much I miss her. How much I depend on her, how often we talk throughout a normal day. “Fergus has one last surprise for me to help with my birthday bucket list.”
“Ahh, and you’re nervous.” She phrases it as a statement rather than a question. “Hang on.” I have a sudden view of the ceiling in whatever room Hollie is in as she speaks to Spencer. I hear him murmur, “Of course; give Louisa my love,” and then Hollie is on the move, the camera jostling all over the place. A door closes and a second later, she flops onto a bed and pops back on screen. “Okay. How can I help put you at ease?”
“Can we…can we talk about sex?”
From the way Hollie bites her lip, I can tell she’s trying not to laugh. I can’t say I blame her.
“Sex,” she says. “Yes, of course we can talk about that. What about it?”
The air rushes out of me. My cheeks are hot, even though I know I don’t need to be embarrassed with Hollie. “Okay, so you know how years ago I told you how I wondered if I was demisexual because I never really had crushes and didn’t feel physically attracted to people? Well…that changed when I met Fergus, and my feelings for him run the gamut from emotional to physical.”
“And I’m guessing that scares you,” Hollie says.
“Terrifies me. I have no idea what to do with all these feelings.” I think back to Fergus saying my softness was my superpower, but there’s nothing soft about the way I’m feeling now. It’s all jumbled and confusing and foreign. “Fergus and I actually talked about a lot of things last night, things I’ve only ever shared with you and Dr. Woo. He knows I’m inexperienced when it comes to dating and…and sex.”
Hollie nods her head slowly. I know her well enough to know she’s choosing her next words carefully. Her eyes light up suddenly and she makes a small humming sound. “Remember how we used to sneak some of your parents’ old records, and Meatloaf’s Bat Out of Hell was one of our favorites? We were obsessed with ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light’, do you remember that?”
I sputter out a laugh. Of all the things I imagined Hollie saying, that was not among them. “My dad was so mad when he heard us singing that song. We had no clue what the lyrics meant, but he didn’t care. He locked that record away, and I never saw it again.”
“I still feel all tingly and nostalgic when I hear that song. Still know all the lyrics too, just like I’m sure you do.” We both dissolve into laughter, which feels so good. Hollie is the first to sober. “Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering what my point is.”
I make a quiet hum of ascent, and she gives me a wry smile.
“Sex is so prevalent in society—we see it from the time we’re old enough to turn on the TV, and before we’re old enough to understand the lyrics of songs. We have ideas about it drilled into us, like that you’re a prude if you don’t have sex and you’re promiscuous if you do. People will always have opinions, but they don’t matter. Nobody has lived your life, nobody has experienced the things you have. You have to do what works for you. What feels right. It doesn’t matter what other people think, and it’s none of their business anyway.”
I’m silent for a moment as I mull over her words. Before I can say anything, she speaks again. “Let me ask you this: sex aside, do you want to be with Fergus? Can you see yourself having a relationship with him?”
“Yes.” The word comes out on a rush of air.
“Then you need to open your heart and let love in. I know it’s scary, but I promise you it’s worth it. I wouldn’t be sitting in this apartment in London right now if I hadn’t followed my heart. I know it’s not exactly the same for you, and the sex stuff adds an extra layer of anxiety, but Louisa…Fergus is head over heels for you. You’ve been avoiding that fact and your own feelings for weeks, but you can’t deny it anymore. I think it’s time you face your feelings head on.”
“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” I ask.
Hollie’s earnest expression is replaced by a bright smile. “Every day, but I never get tired of hearing it. I love you too, Lulu. Go have an amazing night. Feel the fear and do it anyway.”
She’s right. I know she is, and yet that doesn’t stop my heart from racing or my stomach from rolling. Or those niggly little gremlins in my brain. But it’s time to face those things head on too. To feel the fear and do it anyway.