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Danny was so happy to have Boston in the mansion, he started smiling at least three times a day, which honestly looked like it might hurt his facial muscles that were so prone to grumpy old mannish scowling. Boston spent a good chunk of time firing questions at Mason and Danny. They were mostly concerning me and the details of the job.
I made myself scarce for that one, hiding in the bedroom so I could read my book. I wished I could see Finn, to lounge around with him and let him read the more complicated passages to me, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair to him. Despite not being in love with him, I did possess a great deal of love for him. It just wasn’t enough, and certainly not the right kind of love needed to sustain things. Also, I knew I was pretty well beyond salvageable by this point. Finn deserved a woman who had a shot at a normal life. That ship had sailed for me long ago.
I read to the baby aloud in the bedroom I shared with Mason, praying the baby wouldn’t care that I read slow and choppy, stumbling over words and butchering pronunciations while I translated on the fly. Occasionally my hand would migrate down to rub my belly. In the quiet of the bedroom, I let myself feel a connection to the baby – however weak and unsteady that bond might be. It was something, and after months of trying to mute any and all emotions so I didn’t break down sobbing every day, the small something was actually a very big thing.
When Ollie came back from his uneventful jaunt with Lang and Kabayo to deliver a chunk of the remaining sagrado stone to Hayop, I could tell something was on his mind. He loosened the collar of his dress shirt and took his time removing his shoes. He sat on the edge of the bed next to where I sat propped against the headboard in a mass of pillows, steeling himself to say his piece. “October, I think it’s time you moved on. This, what you’re doing? It’s not healthy. It’s been months. If Von was coming back, he would’ve done it already. I don’t mind staying here, but it’s not our house. Maybe something familiar would help you feel better – a little more yourself.”
I rested my book on my chest. “Whatever you want is fine,” I sighed, not caring one way or the other. Either way, I’d still be up a creek. “Clear it with Ezra and the guys, and I’ll start packing.”
“That’s it? No fight? Now I really know something’s wrong. I want you to start up with your shrink again.”
I rolled my eyes. “Seriously? Everything that’s wrong has the flavor of centaurs and monsters about it. I can’t actually talk about anything to outsiders.”
Ollie let out a dejected sigh that I’d raised a valid point. “Fair enough. I guess I didn’t think that one through. What about me? You’ve always been able to talk to me.”
I blinked at Ollie, wondering when it was that I stopped wanting to tell my big brother every little detail. “You’ve got enough on your plate. You just lost your mama.”
Ollie gave me a hard look. “So did you.”
I waited a few beats, but guessed it was time for therapy to be in session. “It’s kind of too sad, right? I mean, she was just starting to be a person. And she stole the stone to save me from having to go there. I don’t remember her doing anything for me that wasn’t selfish. Then she does, and she dies? She doesn’t even die as the person she was deep inside. She died all poisoned up by the stone.” I shook my head. “It’s too sad or something.”
Ollie nodded slowly, fiddling with a thread on his khakis. His hair was the same color as mine, only he’d recently washed his. I hadn’t showered in two days. Bathing was the one time I couldn’t hide my belly from myself, so I avoided it until the last moment. Given my usual proclivity for cleanliness, that was a sure sign that I wasn’t myself.
Ollie cleared his throat. “She definitely was the Bev you know toward the end. Slapped me across the face when I told her to let me take the stone so she could have a break. She told me I was always ruining things, taking her stuff away. Then a swarm of Manas attacked. We split up: me, Alton and Graham with the stone, and Bev and Kabayo heading in the opposite direction. We made it to the well and dropped the part of the stone in, but when we got back?” Ollie shook his head. “Last thing my mama ever said to me was that I always ruin things.” He postured and looked at me, his resolve plain on his face. “I won’t let that be true. You’re not ruined, but you’re acting like you are. It’s selfish, carrying on with this permanent sadness like you are. It’s time to get in the shower, get dressed in real clothes and face your life.”
My upper lip curled. “Are you friggin’ kidding me with this, Reese? Selfish? I’ve given everything up for everyone else’s plans. What about my plans? What about what I want? Now I’ve got a baby I didn’t even help make. You get that, right? This isn’t just a bump in the road, this is a twenty-year commitment, at minimum. Then you have the nerve to come into my room and call me selfish? Tell me, how long is acceptable to mourn the loss of the woman who hated me? How long is it okay to feel scared that I’m pregnant with no plan? How long can I be sad while I’m still working, still performing, still interacting? What’s acceptable to you, Sergeant?”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Chill out.”
“How did you mean it? Where do you get off, calling me selfish? Are you the king of dealing with things? I haven’t heard you talking to Gabby lately. Are you set on still keeping her on hold for all of eternity? How’s that working out for you?”
Ollie stood. “You’re in a mood. I shouldn’t’ve tried.”
“Wow, that was the quickest therapy session I’ve ever been to. Hope you don’t charge by the minute, Doctor.”
“For the record, you’re talking to me like this. I didn’t do anything to deserve this from you. It’s Von you’re mad at, not me.”
“Being mad at you works just fine.”
Ollie gave me a look that tugged at my conscience, reminding me that he’d just lost his mama, too. He was going through the crap of it, but was more worried about me. Or more likely, he was occupying his mind with my demons so he didn’t have to deal with his own. My mouth opened to apologize, to invite him back so he could pretend to fix me, but he was already out the door. If it would give him a reprieve from his pain, I’d play shrink with him. Though everything else felt upside down, Ollie was my constant, and I was treating him like he could be thrown away.
My heart sank, and just as my feet hit the carpet to go get him, he burst back in through the door, his scowl in place and temper flaring. “You don’t get to push me away,” he commanded. “Do that to everyone else, but I’ve earned the right to be intrusive.” He motioned to the air between us. “There doesn’t get to be space between us. We hold our chins up and lie to everyone else, but not each other.”
Our hug was a crash of emotions, making me feel the sting of life anew. “I know. I’m sorry, Ollie. I’m all turned around.”
He went from lion to puppy in my arms, melting into the hug he needed to get, every bit as much as he needed to give it. “Then we’ll fix it, okay? But we’ll fix it together. No more of this shutting the door on everyone. I know it sucks, but I’m right here.”
“Please don’t leave me,” I gusted out in a desperate prayer, clinging to my brother like he was my life raft. “Don’t give up on me. It’s just taking longer than usual to process.”
Ollie held me tight. “Oh, kid. You’re going to have to work a lot harder to get rid of me. I’m permanent. It’s you and me till the end, got it?”
I nodded, but couldn’t let him go just yet. I didn’t want to be so lost. Ollie grounded me to the earth, keeping me from drifting. After several months of drifting, I decided it was about time to stand up again. “What’s first on the agenda, Doc?” I asked in a playful tone. The levity sounded off on my lips, but I went with it, as it was a hair better than total despondency.
“I think we should go pick out a crib.”
My spirits deflated. “I don’t want to do baby stuff. I thought you meant normal fun stuff.”
“I’m the doctor, and I think it’s time you came to terms with the baby in your belly. We’re all excited about it, but we’re afraid to even smile at you. You wouldn’t believe the nutso stuff Mariang’s been planning for you and the baby.” He kissed the top of my head. “Hop in the shower, and I’ll make you some lunch. We don’t have to get a crib today, but it’s coming, kiddo. Deal with it.”
I held him tight when he tried to let go. Though I knew I was being childish, Ollie was the perfect person to let my guard down around. He melted, his whole body softening when I silently admitted that no matter how old I got, I still needed my big brother to put my puzzles back together when they got all wrecked.