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After about a week of getting out of the house and owning up to the fact that I was pregnant – which as it turns out, wasn’t the end of anyone’s world – I started to feel a little better. Add that to the fact that I now had two Pullers, my morning sickness seemed to have passed, and I was feeling a little more myself. Mariang talked me into a day of shopping for the baby after I categorically refused to have a baby shower.
“Who would even come? You’re my closest girlfriend. Probably my only girlfriend at this point. I haven’t seen the regular crew in months.”
Mariang frowned back at me from her place in the passenger’s seat. “You have a whole group of friends. Gabby and all of them? Don’t you think they’d like to get you presents? Celebrate the baby a bit?”
Ezra’s SUV was the only car that could carry all of us, but when the confession eked out of my mouth, I wished there was a bit more space. Like, a whole planet or something that kept the conversation concealed from the entire household. “I sort of haven’t told anyone yet.”
Mariang gaped at me, Danny shook his head, Mason frowned at me and Boston hissed his disapproval. Ezra spoke up from the backseat. “You’re running out of time, darling. We’re on our way to find out the sex of the baby. Don’t you think they’d like to know?”
“Oh, probably. But Von was sleeping with my friend Katrina, who doesn’t know we got together. She doesn’t take kindly to people playing with her old toys, even after she’s tired of them. Plus, I don’t really know how to explain my life to them. What?” I said of the accusatory looks. “Ollie said I could tell them when I was ready.”
“And when would that be? When the baby starts Kindergarten?” Mason took my phone out of my messenger bag and handed it to me. “Start dialing.”
“So I can get the pity looks from everyone? So they can know I’ve got no job, a baby and no father of the baby?”
Danny, of all people, took it upon himself to school me. “You have to start acknowledging this baby. Your mum treated you like she never wanted you, and now you’re about to go do the same thing? Be smarter than this.”
Ezra and I both glowered at Danny, who was unapologetic. “Be sensitive, Danny,” Ezra warned.
“What? Someone had to say it. Von’s a waste. Big deal. It’s nothing I didn’t tell you from the start. But I won’t sit back and have this one turn out with issues like yours. Not on my watch.”
Boston snarled at his brother. “Jeez, Danny. Ease up. You’ll stop running Von down in front of me. This is how you’ve been talking about him since you moved out here? It stops today. Sure, about the leaving October thing, Von’s a wanker. But everything else? Von doesn’t care how you talk about him, but I do. And running him down in front of the baby? That’s not happening anymore.” Boston laced his moderately stubby fingers through mine. No matter how many times he did that, it never got less confusing. Boston had been such a pervy tool before Bishop died. Now he was humble, somber. He was nice, if not a little spaced out. Invasion of the d-bag snatchers, for sure. His kindness was unnerving, though his loyalty to Von was good to see.
Danny grumbled, “What do you want me to do? It’s nothing you’re not all thinking, but you’re too chicken to say to her. You all treat her like she’s ill or something. I’ve got news for you, kid: Von’s not coming back. This torch you’re carrying for him? Get over it. Believe it or not, the world still spins without Von as the center.”
I didn’t mean to snap back, but it just sort of came out like a punch. “I haven’t dreamwalked in a week, you jag. I’m not naïve, and I’m not carrying a torch for him. I’m making peace with signing over my life to this baby. Forgive me for not being jolly about the whole thing just yet.”
With the absence of dreamwalking came the return of Philip, who was oddly protective of me and the baby. I guess that’s what my subconscious wanted – a great guy who loved me and the baby, no matter what. Philip brought me presents and held me while I cried out my fears. When he’d brought me a black leather container the size of a shoe box with a green weed inside of it for me to eat, I knew my imagination had gone weird. I’d choked it down to be polite, but after that I asked that he bring me flowers instead.
Maybe that’s high maintenance, but you know, he’s fake, so I figure I’m alright asking for what I want.
Danny’s voice lowered. “We don’t need you to be jolly. We just need history not to repeat itself.”
Mason put his arm around me, clutching me while Boston leaned forward and punched his brother in the arm. “She’s been doing better. Don’t push it, you lousy tosser.”
I hated that I needed to hear what Danny said. He was a jackweed, but he was right. This was exactly what happened to Bev. She fell for a man who left her a pregnant single mother. I wrecked my mama’s life, and I carried that weight around with me in an emotional knapsack to hit men with when they got too close.
I wouldn’t do that to my kid. My kid wouldn’t be better off without me, like how I’d been with Bev. My kid wouldn’t have to leave just to be safe. I would make sure the baby had everything he or she needed. “Maybe I should get a crib?” I suggested, uncertain. “Babies need cribs, right?”
Mariang turned to me with an excited grin. “A crib is a great start. How about a bassinet too, so the baby can sleep next to you for the first few months, but still be in its own space?”
“Is that a thing? Don’t they just sleep in a crib once they come home from the hospital?” It began to dawn on me that a baby was coming, and I had no idea what to do with it.
Mariang was too excited at the prospect of shopping for baby stuff to care about the details. “Now I’m really excited. Once we find out the sex of the baby, we can pick out colors. Pink for a girl, blue for a boy. Or green. You like green, yeah? It would certainly match your bedroom. What do you think?”
I was reticent to voice any opinion, lest it be the wrong one and reveal that I had no idea what I was doing. “Um, that’s fine.”
Mason cuddled me into his nook, knowing me better than most. “You can pick whatever color you want.” He’d been extra gentle with me, growing sweeter the more pregnant I looked. Today I was wearing a form-fitting black stretchy dress shirt with maternity jeans. For some reason this made his hand migrate to my stomach whenever he got the chance, rubbing it like a crystal ball. The only time his hand left me was when Boston took a tentative turn. It was sweet, but a little claustrophobic at times. I was getting better at letting people touch me, though it felt more like baptism by fire at this point.
“I kind of like green and purple. Can the baby have that?”
Mariang nodded so enthusiastically, her eyes seemed to rattle around in her head. “Yes, of course! We’ll go shopping right after your appointment. It’s done. It’s decided.”
“That’s fine.” I squeezed Boston’s hand reassuringly as he let slip a labored sigh. He’d been subjected to no end of baby nonsense and hadn’t complained once. He seemed to like the baby itself, but none of the additional frills. We were actually on the same page about that.
Danny pulled into the hospital’s parking lot, honking once when he saw Ollie. My hopeful look to find my brother died in a low curse when I saw him waiting at the door with Gabby. She stood next to him, a mix of emotions on her face. I frowned at Mariang. “You knew about this, didn’t you.”
Mariang shrugged guiltily. “Maybe a little. Ollie told me this morning.”
“Yet another thing that wasn’t my choice,” I muttered under my breath.