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Ollie was squeezing one hand while Ezra held the other. Mariang pointed at the screen with so much glee, I didn’t know how my confusion would ever catch up. “Show me again?” I asked the ultrasound technician.
“Right here,” she pointed to a spot on the screen using her mouse.
“One more time?”
She explained the body parts adequately, but I asked over and over until Ollie’s grin started to fade. “Here, let me print it out for you,” the tech in scrubs offered.
I didn’t know what to feel or how to react. I don’t even know that I was fully processing any of it. I mean, just a baby existing in my uterus was a big enough blast to my sanity. “You’re sure? You’re sure it’s a girl? Show me again, please.”
The tech was patient, which was to her credit, as I knew I was being annoying. I couldn’t help it. The second she opened her mouth to announce the baby’s sex, I couldn’t hear anything else. It was like cotton and white noise filled my ears, clouding out common sense and ordinary words.
It was then it started to hit me afresh that I was having a baby, and this was all real. “Ollie? Ollie?” I squeezed my brother’s hand, terrified and confused. My breath came in too shallow for comfort, making me give in to the early stages of a panic attack. “Ollie?”
He rubbed my arm after the medical professional wiped the clear jelly off my stomach so I could pull my shirt back down over the bump. The swell of my belly had been impossible to hide for a while now. “You’re having a girl! That’s exciting,” my brother said, informing me of the emotion I was supposed to be feeling, trying to bring me up to speed. Ollie and Ezra sat me up, and while Ezra was overjoyed, Ollie understood me better than anyone. He knew I was silently freaking out. He sat at the foot of the hospital bed and stared me down. “This is a good thing, kid. You can do this. Remember: keep your chin up, take it slow.”
I shook my head, feeling like I was twelve years old. “I can’t do this!” I whispered, the muscles in my fingers going numb from gripping the edge of the bed. “It’s getting real now. A baby girl? Me? I’m... I don’t know how to be a mama. I’ve never changed a diaper before! What do I do if the baby never learns to crawl? What if she takes one look at me and never stops screaming? What happens if I...” I tried to catch my breath, but it came to me in syncopated pants that did me no good at all. “I can’t do this!”
Ollie cupped my face in his hands to focus me. “Look at me. You can do anything! Allie and I didn’t know what the heck we were doing raising you, but we figured it out. For a long time, there wasn’t even room for you to puzzle out how to crawl, but somehow you learned. Somehow you turned out perfect. I’m telling you, if Allie and I could take care of a baby before we hit our teens, you can do it now. I’ve seen you take on a challenge. There’s nothing you can’t figure out. All this takes is a little research.” He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arm around me. He turned us so our legs were dangling off the side of the bed. “I’m here. I’ll be right by your side for the whole thing.”
A tear dripped down my cheek. I’d been crying so often; I didn’t even have the decency to be embarrassed about it anymore. “I don’t even have a crib, Ollie. A good mama would already have a crib. She’d already have a plan. I don’t have a plan. I’ve been too selfish, thinking about me in all this. My life, my plans.” I looked up at my brother, eyes wide. “Ollie, there’s going to be a baby soon! We need to get organized. I need a car seat and diapers and clothes for her.” I touched my belly, feeling suddenly protective of what was inside. “A little girl.”
Ollie rested his cheek atop my head. “My little girl’s having a little girl. Man, I’m old.”
I snorted through a laugh that I desperately needed. “Will you help me figure this out?”
“You’re about to be real sorry you asked me that. You thought I was bossy before? Don’t unleash me. Don’t tell me you need help making plans. That’s only like, my favorite thing in the world. Give me a legal pad. Set me loose, kid.”
Mariang sat down on my other side, holding my hand and grinning at Ollie. “It’s not too late to revisit the idea of a baby shower.”