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I’d never been to a baby shower before, but I guessed by the looks on my friends’ faces that this wasn’t what they’d been expecting. Mariang had picked out my silver silk dress that fell like a waterfall over my belly and hung to my knees, hugging my breasts in a way that actually made me feel like a woman instead of a giant anamorphous blob. I mean, at least now I was a dead sexy anamorphous blob, for sure.
Mariang had rented a room in a banquet hall. There were long silver tapestries, an overlarge lavender bow on the backs of each chair, and long pearl-colored taper candles that made the afternoon luncheon feel like a cozy evening affair. Mariang had thought of everything, including playing “The Way You Look Tonight”, which I’d once told Mariang Von had sung to me while we danced together. It was the sweetest and most horrible thing, and I loved her for the effort. I loved her for a lot of reasons, and this shower was just one of them. I’d resisted for too long the idea of even being pregnant, but she’d been patient, helping me pick out all the things I needed to prepare myself for a life with two.
Though my friends were more the beer and poker type, they dressed up for the occasion, and in the midst of the hugs and kisses and shocked well-wishes, I realized that this baby was the occasion. I was having a baby, and that was a happy thing, no matter how it came to be.
Darius showed up, which I couldn’t believe. He came in with two nicely wrapped gifts in his hands and a self-protective vibe to his stiff shoulders. He’d been one of us, once upon a time. When he’d fallen into his older brother’s business, the distance had been inevitable, since none of us approved of Judge’s illegal and often deadly antics.
I watched the tension build as Darius stood awkwardly in the doorway. The flight or muscle through it debate was plain on his face. I decided I had enough factions of my life that were separate. Setting the tone for my friends, I walked up to Darius and wrapped my arms around him, smiling softly as he melted in my embrace. “Thanks, Bait. Congratulations, kid. Judge sends his love.”
I kissed Darius’ freshly shaved ebony cheek, still holding onto him. “Thank you for coming. I know we’re not your favorite people in the world. It means a lot.”
“It’s time, I think.” Darius jerked his head toward the door he’d just come in through. “Judge is out front. He doesn’t want to come inside, but he asked me to send you out to see him for a minute.”
“Sure. Come on in. Say hi to everyone.” I raised my voice to my friends, who weren’t quite sure what to do with the unexpected guest they had all once loved. “Guys, Darius needs a beer. Jordan, will you get him something good?”
“Sure thing, Bait. Hey, Nefarious,” Jordan jabbed with an edge to the lighthearted smile on his face.
I kept my arm around Darius and ushered him into the room. “Now, now. In here he’s just good old Darius.”
Ollie moved forward and gave Darius a one-armed dude hug, enforcing my rule that we would all be cool on my baby’s special day. “Good to see you, man.” With Ollie on my side, the others quickly fell in line. In the next second, Darius had a smile on his face, a beer in his hand, and too many hugs to choose from. It was the old crew back together, minus Allie.
I moved toward the entrance, wondering what Judge could possibly want to see me for. Boston moved to open the door for me, watching but maintaining his distance, waiting while I walked out into the sunshine. I strolled down the entryway toward Judge’s silver BMW, bracing myself against the winter chill. Big Mike was his driver, and he regarded me with a curt nod to his head. The back door opened, revealing Judge in pressed gray pants, a light lavender dress shirt and a blue tie. He had always been a sharp dresser, having an eye for details. He stepped out of the car when I refused to climb in; I knew Boston would throw a fit if I disappeared in the backseat of Judge’s vehicle. “Congratulations are in order, I hear.” His words were kind, but his dark eyes and clenched jaw were holding back a storm.
“Thank you. You’re welcome to come in. You can even bring Big Mike, if you like.” I leaned down to speak into the car. “You feeling hungry, Michael? There’s plenty of food inside.”
Judge answered for Big Mike, as he always did. “No, thank you. We’re fine out here.”
“Okay.” I rested my hands on my belly awkwardly. The silk of my dress felt like frozen water, transformed by the iciness of the moderate breeze that chilled me. My coat was somewhere in the building, so I hoped Judge would come out with whatever he wanted to say quick.
I stood facing Judge, unwilling to shrink beneath his scrutiny. It’s like he showed up just to make a point that he wasn’t going to come to my baby shower. I hadn’t been in charge of the invitations, so I could only guess Judge’s presence was Ollie’s doing, trying to get us to put the past behind us. “So, how’s business? Help any old ladies across the street lately?”
Judge pointed a mocha-colored finger at my belly in dismay. “Who did this to you?”
My smile tightened. “No one you know.”
“Don’t play games. What’s his name?”
“What do you care?”
“Just tell me Ollie’s broken his legs so I can sleep better at night.”
I blinked up at him in confusion. “You showed up just to tell me you’re mad?”
“I showed up because I had to see for myself. This,” he said with disdain, jabbing his finger at my belly again, “wasn’t supposed to happen to you. You’re the one who was supposed to make something of herself.”
My head started to swivel with attitude, and I began talking animatedly with my hands, riled up after the first few verbal punches. “I’m sorry, am I dead? No. There’s still plenty of time for me to make something of myself.”
“This isn’t what I wanted for you. Who did this?”
“Why do you care?” I repeated, confused.
“Because you’re my sister! Or you were before I...” He shook his head, his midnight eyes filled with palpable heaviness. “I’m so disappointed in you.”
Anger rose up in me like a kraken just waiting for the right trigger to set its tentacles of torment loose. In an act of indignant rage, my hand flew out and smacked Judge across the face. Big Mike got out of the car, but otherwise didn’t intervene. Judge’s nostrils flared dangerously, and I knew I’d traipsed over deadly ground. To be fair, so had he.
My voice was low and lethal as I fumed at the man I’d regarded as a secondary older brother, back when I’d been young and foolish enough to trust his kindness. “How dare you. I don’t care about meeting your expectations. You lost every good thing in my eyes when you turned us away all those years ago. You think you’re disappointed in me? Get used to that feeling, Judge. I’ve been disappointed in you for sixteen years.” I stabbed my finger to his chest, which was letting him off easy from the right hook I wanted to clock him with. “You don’t get to care about me or my baby. You don’t get to put standards on me that you don’t even hold yourself to.”
“I made something of myself!” he roared, finally letting the cracks in his armor show. “You don’t get to look down your nose at me just because you don’t like how I got here.”
I didn’t shiver from the cold weather, no; it was the arctic chill between us that had finally built to an avalanche we were both ready to bury each other under. When Judge opened his mouth to defend himself further, I threw my shaking hands up between us, trembling at the showdown that had been years in the making. “I can’t do this right now. I’m having a baby, Judge. A baby. You get that, right? You took yourself out of my life years ago. You don’t get to make demands on my choices now.”
Judge’s defiance was firmly in place, his clenched jaw making his whole face taut with barely controlled fury. “Who did this to you?”
“I did,” I answered with sad eyes. I tried to anchor us so we didn’t destroy what was left of the diminishing goodness I knew we both had buried deep. “I did this to me. I thought I had a handle on my life, but I let things get out of control. I’m dealing, though, so you should either support me or get out.”
His fist tightened. “That’s nothing like you. You never let things get out of control. Control is your touchstone. You’re like me.”
I blinked up at him, confused at the declaration. “I am?”
Judge’s eyes softened infinitesimally. Had I not known him for ages, I might not have noticed. “Always have been. Why do you think neither of us ever wins when we go head to head?”
I pursed my lips, weighing his words and wondering at the truth of them. “Well, I don’t want to be that way, always fighting for the upper hand. Some things can’t be controlled, no matter how hard you try. I want to get my life in order. I have to do right by this baby, Judge. Disappointment that I am to you, I can’t afford to let my daughter down. She’s the one who matters now. Not me, and not you.”
“See that you don’t disappoint her, then. Shouldering the shame of letting a little girl down? It’s a slow death.” He shook his head, saying so many things with his eyes, his body and his voice that confused me. “That hard look in your eyes has been killing me for years. I know it’s me who put that there.”
Ollie trotted out to us, a friendly expression forcing itself to overshadow the volatile one lurking beneath. He extended his hand to Judge, who shook it with that same firm look to him that told me he wasn’t dropping this anytime soon. “Hey, Judge. You coming in?”
“Judge was just stopping by to tell me what a disappointment I am for throwing my life away, getting knocked up. He’s not allowed in. In fact, he was just leaving.”
Ollie’s jaw tightened, and the two men exchanged nods of understanding that, though they respected each other, distance was the best thing for all involved. “Come on in, kiddo. We were just about to get started when we realized we’d lost the guest of honor.” Ollie held onto my shaking hand and glanced up with a warning at Judge. “Look, October’s been through enough. You’ll do well not to put unnecessary stress on my sister. What’s done is done, and you won’t look down your nose at her about it.”
Judge stepped back, gripping the handle on his car door. “Expect a gift when the baby comes. You won’t be hearing from me before then.”
My anger came back unfettered. “You can expect your gift sent back to you in ashes! I won’t have your pity gifts. I don’t need your disapproval, and my daughter doesn’t need your charity.”
Judge shut himself in his car and left with a respectful nod to Ollie before Big Mike drove off.