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I slept next to Boston, and by “slept” I mean I closed my eyes and touched my toes to Boston’s leg so he could pull in his sleep, while Von fidgeted on the squeaky cot. It took me until the sun rose to actually drift off.
Philip came to me in my dream, though I almost wished he hadn’t. He brought that same shriveled weed for me to eat, acting like it was some grand present I had yet to understand the significance of. I ate it to be polite while we sat at a table at a café in Paris, staring at the beauty of a bridge I’d researched once upon a time when I’d thought about things like vacations and fun. It was an old structure made of stone, surrounded by sporadic bursts of nature. Philip and I sipped tea and watched the ducks swim in the river while we caught up. “How’s work?” I asked nonchalantly. Philip was a manager, and we sometimes chatted about his job.
He touched his pressed collar and sat back in his chair with his ankle crossed over his knee, the slight breeze ruffling his white-blond hair. “Better than usual. Got a few new employees that are looking promising. The training’s taking a little longer than I would like, but it is what it is.”
“Anything I can help with?”
Philip turned his head to look at me with a mixture of satisfaction and supreme accomplishment. “Just keep our baby safe. That’s what you can do for me.”
“On it, chief.” In my dream, the baby was Philip’s. He had no problem owning up to it, and claimed both September and me easily. As the days progressed, he grew more and more protective of us, which I guess was what my subconscious craved.
“Are you still at Ezra’s?”
I sipped my tea, which tasted like honey and lavender. “Nope. Had a bit of a run-in with one of my favorite Matruculans.”
Philip froze, his teacup midway to his mouth. “The baby, is she safe?”
I nodded. “Of course. We got out before anything too terrible happened. But we’re staying in a hotel until Mason calms down enough to go back to Terraway. It was the plan all along. He thought he’d last a little longer, but it’s time. It’s no big deal. I’m fine.” I didn’t mention my leg. I didn’t want to talk about that. I cleared my throat. “Von’s back.”
Philip gripped his teacup harder than the delicate vessel was meant to be held. “It’s not his baby, October. She’s mine. No matter what you think, she’s mine. You and September are both mine.”
I chuckled at his sudden upset. “Oh sweetie, most days I’m barely mine. Can’t exactly give myself away if I don’t have me. But no, Von and I aren’t getting back together. It’s me and September, and that’s the tune of that sad song.”
He set his cup down and reached his hand out to lace his fingers through mine. I was so normal in my dreams – I didn’t even itch to wash my hands. “I want you to deliver the stone next, not Ollie.”
“Ollie finished up with Hayop not too long ago. We’ve got only Sombi left. You know I can’t exactly go into a land full of zombies in my condition. Plus, I’m doing well. I haven’t been scratching my hands up so much. Aside from the crippling depression, I’m much better off, now that I don’t have the stone near me.”
“Where’s the stone now?”
I shrugged. “Ezra won’t tell me. He put it somewhere only he knows so no one can torture Ollie or me for information.”
Philip’s shoulders deflated. “I guess that makes sense. Ezra thinks of everything.”
“That’s the thing about dads, I hear.”
We watched the ducks while holding hands for a while, leaning into each other and enjoying the boring couple stuff I didn’t get much of. Everything was always so harrowing. Philip sat where I put him and was the comfort I needed to get through the night.
In the morning, I laid in bed until I could no longer pretend to be asleep anymore. Boston was in the shower, and Von sat next to where I lay. “What do you want for breakfast?” Von asked, kissing my cheek to rouse me.
“I usually don’t eat until like, ten o’clock. My stomach’s too uneasy before then.”
“Did you have much morning sickness?”
I nodded. “Buckets of it. I haven’t puked in a few weeks, though. Just general queasiness.”
“How do you do it? You say vile words like ‘puke’, but I only want you more.”
“It’s a gift. Wait till I start throwing around words like ‘placenta’ and ‘mucus plug’. I’m absolutely ravishing.”
“I have no doubt.” His hand draped over my hip and squeezed. “I was thinking next weekend for the wedding.”
My nose scrunched. “You know about Danny and Mariang? Their official wedding’s not until after the baby comes. Mariang wanted a flower girl.” I frowned, wondering if her own pregnancy might move things up.
Von gaped at me. “Boy, did I sure miss a lot. I didn’t know they were engaged. She finally caved, did she?”
“Yeah. They’re technically married, actually. Went to Justice of the Peace not too long ago. They’re keeping it secret, though, so Terraway can have their big to-do to celebrate.”
Von guffawed. “Are you having a laugh? They got married, and I missed it?”
“When it dawned on them that Mariang wasn’t going to die anytime soon after the healing waters did their magic on her, Danny didn’t waste a minute. Like, literally not a minute after he put it all together. It was sweet. Got down on one knee and everything.”
Von smiled, the edges of his eyes crinkling in that way I always found cute. “Good for him. She could do better, though.”
“I think I said something similar in my congratulations toast.”
“I wasn’t talking about them, though. I was talking about us getting hitched next weekend.” He pulled a cinnamon stick from off the nightstand and started chewing on the end of it.
“Hitched to what?”
“Married,” he said slowly, as if I was stupid.
My mouth fell open in shock as I sat up. “Are you high? We’re not getting married. We’re not even dating!”
“Yet,” Von countered, unperturbed. “We’re not dating yet. It’s inevitable, don’t you think? We’re already head over heels for each other. We were together before our little strawberry came along. It just makes sense.”
I tried not to soften when he referred to our daughter as a strawberry.
Our daughter.
I straightened, my chin in the air as I fought for composure. “Hello, you couldn’t even call me your girlfriend before. Try choking on the word ‘wife’. We’re not getting married.”
“That was the idiot version of Von. I’m going to have a baby with you soon, so I’m all grown up now.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“That’s a pretty impressive growth spurt. Forgive me for not trusting it.”
“Forgiven. Now when are we going on a date? I assume you’ll want your shoes for that?”
“We’re not dating. I’m not dating anyone. Not you, not Finn, not Truck Stop Bubba. I’m a mama only right now. That’s enough to take up all my Friday nights.”
“What about this Friday night?”
My head swiveled with too much attitude. “All the Friday nights until the end of time are booked. You had over a year to ask me out for any of those Fridays, and you couldn’t be bothered.”
“Playing stubborn, are we? Very well. I can wait it out while you pretend you’re still furious, as if you have a leg to stand on.”
I guffawed, leaning against the headboard to gape at him. “You’re saying I shouldn’t be mad that I told you I didn’t cheat on you, and you left anyways?”
“Think it through,” he began, chewing on the stick as he held it like a cigar. “Do you know of any other virgin pregnancies? I mean, I assume it’s not a deity growing in your womb. I had very reasonable doubt. Add to that you kissing Finn, of all people.”
I didn’t have a solid enough argument, so I changed the subject. “Why are you chewing on that?”
Von pulled it out to show it to me. “Cinnamon stick. Almost as good as the real thing.”
I rolled my eyes. “You can go outside and smoke. I’m not stopping you.”
“I told you, I gave it up. Even if you were carrying Bubba’s baby, I was working my way up to coming back, but I knew I couldn’t if I didn’t get myself together first. So I quit smoking and found a more reliable blood provider.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“You’re a dork if you think that’s all it takes.”
“Oh, you love it.” He took the stick out of his mouth and held it out to me, as if to offer me a smoke. “Try it. It’s not bad.”
“No, thanks. I’m trying to quit. I try not to put things that have been in other guys’ mouths into mine.”
“I hardly think that matters when it’s me. You’ve sucked on my tongue on more than one occasion.”
“Gross! Don’t say it like that.”
“Like what? Like I didn’t make you melt for me? Like we didn’t make that baby in our minds over and over again? It’s only a matter of time. Though, you’re right. Next weekend might be problematic for a wedding, especially if we want Mason there.”
“Oh, you’re hopeless.”
“Actually, I’m hopeful. Quite the distinction.”
Despite my aversion to him sliding back into my life too seamlessly, I gave in to a small smile. “I missed this. Us. The back and forth. You were my favorite friend before it got all tangled.”
Von put his stick on the nightstand, got comfortable in the bed and sunk down next to me, inviting me into the haven. He slid under the covers and pulled the comforter up over our heads, like we were children hiding in a fort. “Don’t you know? Untangling damsels from life’s snares just so happens to be my specialty.”
“Oh, Von. You’re the snare. You’re always the thing that gets me twisted.”
“Then why are you resisting me?” Von pulled me closer so September was smooshed between us. His nose brushed lightly across mine. His cinnamon breath that had no hint of cigar to it sweetened the air in our fort, leaving me a puddle of malleable clay that begged for his hands to shape me.
“Von?”
“Tell me you don’t want me.”
How I desperately wanted Von. How I wanted to kiss him and make a perfect mess of the sheets. How I wanted to do what we’d done in our dreams together right here on the bed. “You know I want you,” I breathed, and then rolled onto my back to break our closeness. “You should also know that’s not enough. You split on me. And Danny was right – which you know I hate saying.”
“What did my petulant little brother say this time?”
“He said you ran out on your responsibility even if the baby hadn’t been yours. Your duty’s to Terraway, and you screwed Mason over by ditching us. You have a job, Von. Mason bit me because he was pulling for two by himself. He got too hungry. It was too much to ask of him in the first place, and you didn’t actually even ask him. You just left him with all the work. That’s on you. This bite on my leg? It’s on you. I reaped through morning sickness, through Bev dying, through swollen ankles, through everything because it’s my job. It was every bit as much your job too, and you decided the whole thing was an option you could elect not to show up for.” I chewed on my lower lip, swinging the final punch. “You left me with a Matruculan, knowing I was pregnant. You didn’t care if I died, Von.”
Von pulled the covers down and sat up, frowning. “You’re not serious.”
“I had to give up my whole life for Terraway. I can’t even live in my own house! You think it’s rough to have to stay with a woman you assume cheated on you? It’s even harder to carry a baby by yourself, still work a normal day, and have nothing in your life that’s actually yours.” I shook my head. “I have to get my life together. September needs me to be on my top game. I can’t do that with a guy who doesn’t understand the job. We’re feeding starving nations, Von. You cared about your drama more than you cared about people starving to death when you ran out on me.”
Von’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kicking me out? I come back, and you kick me out?”
“Of course I’m not kicking you out, you drama queen. But we’re not getting back together. Not until I have some reassurance that you won’t ditch September again. I meant what I said; you can be as involved as you want – with the baby. But you and I are coworkers.”
“So that’s the size of it? After everything we’ve been through – just friends?”
“After everything you put me through, yes. That’s the size of it. You’re lucky we’re friends. I wouldn’t turn your nose up at my friendship. I’m an excellent friend.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, looking confused, like he’d suddenly taken a wrong turn and couldn’t get back home. Boy, did I know that feeling. “You’re serious, aren’t you.”
“Very. Date whoever you want, but I’d still appreciate it if you stopped sleeping with my friends. It kind of makes me the pathetic joke on my own turf. Not only could I not keep the father of my baby around even after I got knocked up, but I also couldn’t satisfy him. Now he’s out populating the planet with the nearest piece.” I mimed stabbing myself in the heart. “Hurts on a level I can’t really take right now. Friend-to-friend and all.”
Von nodded, though his eyes were a million miles away. “Sure. I can stay away from your mates. Wasn’t planning on going back to Katrina anyway. That last one was a drunken mistake.”
When Boston got out of the bathroom, I took my turn in the shower, using the steady sound of the water to muffle my pathetic tears that couldn’t be helped. Did I want to be with Von? Of course. I wanted to be with the loyal, fun one who got me and loved me even after knowing my quirks. The one who made fun of my scar in public and treated me like a stranger? The one who ditched me when things got super dark? Him, not so much. What would happen one day when September threw a fit and he decided he just couldn’t take it? He’d leave all over again, and I couldn’t afford to be hurt or surprised anymore.
My shower took longer than usual because my tears had no self-control, shameless as they fell faster than the water could sweep them away. Mason was gone, and Von was back.
For now.