Viktor was livid. His fear and anger tangled in a chaotic mess, and he wasn’t sure what he was capable of just then. All he could do was take it one step at a time. They arrived back at his home, and Viktor carried an unconscious Jin into the house and to the guest bedroom, then set him gently on the bed. Pan hid the car in the garage. It was astonishing such a fierce storm could be controlled by such a slight man.
Viktor went to his own room and quickly dried himself before pulling on some pants and a shirt. He winced and grunted as his body protested every movement. His neck was his sorest point, and he gently touched it, remembering the terrifying sensation of being choked. Along with the red bruises on his neck, there was a massive bruise forming on his ribs from where Kirk had kicked him, but it only hurt when he moved. Or breathed. He grimaced. Mostly he was stiff and sore over his entire body. He took some aspirin and hoped that helped. His hawk ruffled his feathers and clicked his beak in rage, but Viktor felt the exhaustion. There would be no revenge anytime soon.
Pan hobbled in not long after and immediately went to Jin. Viktor was silent as Pan cared for Jin, and a surge of jealousy rose up to tangle with the fear and the anger. He clenched his fists and wanted to punch the wall. Pan had controlled his hawk like a fucking puppet. He wanted answers. He wanted them now.
Pan finally straightened from the bed, and with a sigh, he turned and met Viktor’s gaze. Then, to Viktor’s shock, Pan’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he collapsed. Frozen for only a moment, Viktor dropped next to Pan and pulled him into his arms.
“Pan? Pan, wake up! Klyanus’ Bogom.” Viktor patted Pan’s cheek, but nothing worked. Somehow Pan had managed to control himself long enough to take care of Jin. Then he simply succumbed to exhaustion.
Viktor pressed his face into Pan’s hair and took a deep breath, rocking them both. He murmured words in Russian, not really knowing or caring what he said. His heart contracted with emotion, and it was a relief to hear Pan’s breathing and feel his chest move.
The scene vividly returned to his mind, and he allowed it. He let himself relive it all: the terror, the shock, the thirst for revenge. He hoped he’d killed that fucking knight. He also remembered his pride and awe at the agents’ courage, and the sheer power emanating from both of them was humbling. It had been nearly impossible to navigate that storm as a hawk, and he was forced to shift a block away and then run to the battle.
Taking a deep breath, he lifted Pan into his arms and carried him to his bedroom. Then he cared for him because what else could he do?
Without a qualm, Viktor stripped Pan naked—though it took some time to remove the Kevlar vest—and dried him off before treating the damage to his face. The nasty bruise on his nose spread to his eyes, darkening the skin around them. Shaking his head, admiring Pan’s courage even though he was still pissed, Viktor kept his touch gentle and steady. He was such a beautiful man, and despite the situation, Viktor found pleasure in gazing at his body. After doing all he could, Viktor covered Pan with a blanket before stepping back. He wanted to hold him badly. But wouldn’t that make matters worse? He couldn’t have Pan. Even after brutally learning what Pan’s ability was, he still wanted him. Wasn’t that amazing?
True mate. Could it be more than a fairy tale? But would it end any better than it had for his parents?
“Should I fight for you?” he asked softly.
Pan began to stir. A low moan escaped him. Viktor grabbed a packet of aspirin out of his first aid kit and quickly went into the bathroom and filled a glass of water. He returned and sat on the edge of the bed. When Pan opened his eyes—focused, lucid eyes—he handed them over. Pan swallowed the pills and sipped the water without a word, then took careful breaths. He stared at the ceiling, and Viktor couldn’t resist grabbing his hand. Pan tightened his grip instantly.
“Will you be all right?” Viktor asked.
Pan closed his eyes and swallowed. “Yeah.” His voice was a croak. He cleared his throat.
“You can control animals.”
Pan winced. He took a deep breath and turned his head. Opening his eyes, he looked straight into Viktor’s. “Yes.”
“You used your power on me.”
Pan winced again. “Yes.”
Viktor knew his scowl was fierce. Pan pulled his hand free and rubbed both his temples.
“God, my head.”
Doubting the pain was fake, Viktor managed to put a cap on his temper—for now—and grabbed an ice pack from the first aid kit. He activated it before giving it to Pan, who promptly pressed it against his face. There was a moment of silence between them before Viktor finally gave in to his desire. He scooted over to sit next to Pan on the bed and pulled him into his arms, wrapping the blanket tighter around him. Pan resisted for a split second before he literally crawled into Viktor’s lap and pressed his face against Viktor’s chest. Surprised by the sudden vulnerability, Viktor wrapped his arms tightly around him. It would seem even the strong, vibrant Pan needed comfort now and again. It eased some of the tension in Viktor’s shoulders.
“I’m sorry, Viktor,” Pan said. Still holding the ice pack to his face, Pan gripped Viktor’s shirt with his other hand. “I am so sorry I used my power on you. But you had to be safe. It was the only way to make sure you were safe.”
Wasn’t it interesting how those words were so similar to the ones he’d said to Natasha? But despite the warmth that filled his heart at Pan’s protectiveness, Viktor didn’t lighten his tone.
“Do not do it again.”
Pan fell silent.
Taking a deep breath for control, Viktor gently cupped Pan’s chin and raised his head. It wrenched his gut to realize Pan had unshed tears in his bruised eyes. But he wouldn’t let them dissuade him.
“Swear to me,” Viktor said firmly. “You will never use your power on me again.”
Pan visibly struggled against his tears and seemed to win in the end. He sniffed hard and nodded, lowering the ice pack. “I swear to you, Viktor, I will never use my ability on you again.”
A large chunk of his tension simply vanished. Pan was a man of his word. The truth shone in those lovely chocolate eyes. His hawk cooed in satisfaction and, astonishingly, forgiveness. Never, not with anyone, had his hawk ever forgiven so quickly.
He adjusted his grip to cup Pan’s cheek. “Thank you.”
Pan shook his head wearily before pressing it against Viktor’s chest again.
“Don’t thank me.”
Viktor frowned in confusion. He gently took Pan’s hand, the one that held the ice pack, and lifted it, returning it to his face. Then he set his cheek on Pan’s head and found quiet pleasure in holding him. They were alive. Thank Phoenix.
Pan was relieved that Viktor appeared to be okay. He had bruising around his neck and certainly some more on his body, but nothing appeared broken. He was probably sore as hell, though. For a terrifying moment during the battle, Pan had wondered if he would lose his Russian hawk. And what a beautiful hawk he was! Rich, tawny brown-and-white feathers covered a large body with wicked black talons and a sharp gray beak. Keen blue eyes marked him as different from ordinary hawks and lent him an air of mystery.
But now he was in Viktor’s arms and didn’t want to leave. He found too much pleasure in being held, and he couldn’t for the life of him pull away. He wanted comfort. He needed it. And dammit, Viktor was right here, and his arms acted like a protective barrier. And despite what Pan had done, Viktor wanted to hold and comfort him. Sometimes Pan just wanted to be weak. He wanted someone else to take the driver’s seat. He would never admit it to anyone.
He was ashamed. Horribly ashamed. He deserved his throbbing face and black eyes. The Agency had taught him better than this. His past mistakes should have taught him. He had no right to use his ability on Viktor. But he had anyway. It seemed justified at the time. But it was never justified. Usurping the will of another, even a simple animal, was never justified. They were the ones to pay the price. How many of the rats and dogs were dead because they were weapons in this war? What happened to that dog Kirk threw against the house? And those who survived would never be the same. A small moan escaped him. Viktor stroked his back.
Could all bird shifters enter the minds of others? He didn’t resent the act in the least. It was astonishing and harmless… unlike his own ability. Despite his mental barriers that blocked unwanted intrusion, Viktor had slipped in as naturally as if he’d been doing it for years. That puzzled Pan and sent a shiver down his spine at the possible meaning. He shook away the sensation.
Pan sighed deeply and adjusted the ice pack. He’d invaded Viktor’s mind and violated him unforgivably. The need to share, to tell Viktor something only Jin and Captain Odin knew, rose up so profoundly he didn’t fight it. Couldn’t.
“I was thirteen when my ability manifested,” he said quietly. Viktor paused his hand for a moment before continuing to stroke. Pan kept his eyes closed.
“My father died when I was six. My mother raised me on her own. We had a dog. A good dog. She was a collie and her name was Sofia. She was my best friend. I would have taken her to school if I could have. When I realized I could control her, well, everything changed. Not for the better.”
Pan knew to his core Viktor wouldn’t think him weak if he burrowed deeper into his arms, pressed tighter against his chest. Viktor kissed the top of his head. Pan knew he was losing the battle over his emotions and could actually feel them deepening dangerously for Viktor. The strength of Viktor, both physical and mental, and his compassion and acceptance—even his temper—it was an irresistible mix.
“My mother had a brother. When I was eleven, he….” Pan struggled and took a shaky breath. Using his ability often left him shaky, and combining that with dark memories made everything worse. “He… touched me. In a way he shouldn’t have.”
Viktor’s heart rate sped up under Pan’s ear, and Viktor clenched his hands into fists.
“He was my mom’s favorite babysitter.” Pan couldn’t keep the bitterness from his tone. “He threatened me to keep quiet. He used fear and shame to keep my mouth shut. I did, mostly. But I tried to tell my mom a few times. She never listened. She claimed I was making trouble, rebelling, or some denial shit like that. Anyway, when I was thirteen and realized I could control Sofia, I made sure he never touched me again.”
Pan opened his eyes and stared at the wall.
“But I learned early on what the consequences of my powers could be. My mother put Sofia down despite my protests. I hated my mother so much. I loathed her. I wanted to sic an animal on her too. But I just ran away. I lived on the streets, using animals for my own gain. Got into trouble, got out of it. I was a mess, Viktor. A hateful, damaged little bastard.”
Pan took a cleansing breath. “But the Agency found me. Somehow they found me. I was sixteen. They trained me and gave me a purpose. But I had, um, you could say ‘intimacy issues.’ They had me see one of their shrinks. It didn’t take her long to figure out my problem.”
“What did she do?” Viktor asked softly.
Pan smirked. “Seduced me.”
Viktor jerked. “What?”
Pan tilted his head back and looked at Viktor. He removed the ice pack. “She became my friend, Viktor. And she showed me the beauty of sex. She showed me, better than words could say, that what my uncle did was perverted and cruel. It wasn’t the wonderful intimacy sex can give when done right. Then it was like I was free. Set loose from some bond I didn’t realize imprisoned me. I realized how much I loved sex and wanted it as often and frequently as possible. If a consenting adult was willing, then I was ready.”
Viktor watched him with an expression Pan couldn’t decipher, but Viktor never loosened his hold on Pan, nor did Pan feel any tension in his muscles.
“Then you are… what is word? Bisexual?”
Pan chuckled. “I guess, if you want to label me. I like all the colors of the fucking rainbow. Men and women along the entire spectrum, and a few fellow agents now and then… but I won’t get into that. I think the term is pansexual.” He cupped Viktor’s chin, bristles scraping his skin. “The point is the Agency saved my life. They saved my heart.”
Viktor covered Pan’s hand, and his expression seemed almost sorrowful. “But a heart you cannot give another.”
Pan’s stomach tightened. “Yeah. That’s the rub.”
Viktor leaned down and kissed him. Pan was thrilled Viktor could still touch him after knowing what he’d done and what had been done to him. But he was also devastated he would have to give up this easy intimacy, this sense of safety he’d come to enjoy.
Pan let the kiss continue, unable to pull away. The kiss smoldered instead of sparked; it comforted even as it slowly aroused. It was connection, the intimacy Pan spoke of. His cock stirred, and it hit him there was only a thin blanket covering him, a flimsy enough barrier. It would be so easy to… but no. Even though Pan wanted more and he was sure Viktor wanted more, he resisted the desire.
Viktor eventually pulled back, the kiss ending naturally, sweetly.
“I am glad you told me.” Viktor stroked his thumb along Pan’s jaw. “You trust me. I trust you. And I admire you.”
“Feeling’s mutual.” Pan closed his eyes, suddenly exhausted. Viktor began to rock him gently.
“Go to sleep,” he said, his voice barely more than a deep rumble Pan mostly felt instead of heard.
Pan snuggled in and dropped into sleep between one heartbeat and the next.
Viktor held Pan until he was fully asleep. Then he checked on Jin, who also seemed to sleep naturally. Only then did he get himself some coffee with vodka—damn the time of day—and sat down at his computer. He’d received a curt email from Ivan to let him know Glory’s flight was delayed due to weather. She might have a private jet but was still beholden to flight regulations. Viktor admitted, if only to himself, he’d feel a lot better if she were here.
Then he simply sat at his computer, thinking. The truth had come to him during that fight when he thought he’d die, when he thought Pan would die. When he entered Pan’s mind and spoke to him. The entry was simple. Natural. It was the confirmation he needed but was afraid to get. True mate. He would protect Pan, no matter if he wanted it or not. He couldn’t lose Pan because, in that moment when he tried to crush the life out of that knight, he admitted to himself he wanted a second chance. He wanted more with Pan. More than a weekend of sex, he wanted a relationship, a nest, a mate. It surprised him considerably to realize the direction of his desire. Despite the tragedy of his parents’ relationship, he hoped it would be different with Pan. Now that he knew Pan was his true mate, the desire was impossible to resist.
His hawk couldn’t agree more. In fact, it chided him for taking so long to understand the obvious.
Yes, he was scared. Not just of the idea of commitment, but of Pan’s answer, of Pan’s own desires. Just because he wanted Pan didn’t mean Pan wanted him. It didn’t mean he wanted a commitment. Should Viktor fight for him? Was this long-lasting attraction one-sided? And what of the Agency? If given the choice, what would Pan choose? The Agency meant so much to him. Viktor sighed heavily. Only one thing was for sure: If he was going to pursue a relationship with Pan, they both had to survive this battle first.
He called Natasha. She claimed they were well and incredibly bored. He doubted that. They were alone in a cabin in the woods, and they were seventeen years old. He rubbed the bridge of his nose to keep vulgar thoughts from his mind. He simply told her to do her fucking homework.
It was late afternoon when Jin poked his head into the kitchen where Viktor stood staring out his window. He had a nice view of the Portland skyline, and the skies were a happy blue with puffy white clouds.
Viktor looked over and smiled. “Good afternoon.”
Jin offered a small smile, the most expression he’d ever shown in Viktor’s presence. “Good afternoon.”
He gestured to the coffee, and Viktor nodded. Jin poured himself a cup.
“Creamer? Sugar?” Viktor gestured to the containers. He didn’t take such additives in his coffee, but Natasha did. She loved her creamer and apparently so did Jin.
“You are well?”
“Relatively.” Jin sipped his coffee.
“You both passed out.”
“Our abilities often drain us,” Jin said softly, also staring out the window. “But when they are needed, they can turn the tide in a battle.”
Jin seemed to be in a talkative mood. Viktor suspected this was a rare occurrence.
“You control storms.”
“Yes.”
“Pan controls animals.”
Jin eyed him. “Yes. He told you?”
“Da.”
“He told you everything?”
The emphasis was there, and Viktor met his gaze. He’d tried hard not to think of Pan’s uncle, the monster who abused an innocent child. He wanted to kill him, to gouge his eyes out with his talons. But it was pointless to want revenge when the perpetrator was already dead. He doubted Pan would keep his past from Jin since the trust was obvious between the two of them. He resented the germ of jealousy.
“Da.”
Jin nodded and looked back out the window. The silence stretched until Viktor simply blurted, “You love him.”
Jin slowly looked at him, dark eyes and expression unreadable. “Yes,” he said. Then his lips twitched before he smiled. That act transformed his face into a thing of beauty. “He is my brother. My irritating, infuriating brother who I often wish to strangle. I trust him as I trust no other. He has my back, and I have his. We have been partners for five years. Yes, I love him.”
Viktor felt ashamed. He murmured an apology.
Expression turning sympathetic, Jin stepped closer and lightly touched Viktor’s arm with a delicate hand.
“Listen to me, Viktor Orlov. Listen well. Pan is an agent. His life is not his own. We are soldiers in a war that grows deadlier with each passing day. You have just witnessed a small part of that. Agents need to be focused, ruthless, and yes, reckless. We can’t have relationships and families as others might. We don’t have freedom that way.” He paused and stepped back. “Attachments are dangerous. A devastated soldier is no good to us.”
Viktor frowned heavily. “That is cold.”
Jin shrugged. “That is war. We all signed up with open eyes.”
Viktor looked at his hands.
“I see what you feel for him,” Jin said. “It’s obvious to anyone with eyes. I caution you against making designs on him. He’s not free. And if you pursue him, it will distract him. Distractions lead to death. Or worse.”
Viktor struggled to digest Jin’s words. He hadn’t been certain Jin was capable of so many words strung together. Jin’s reasonable, factual tone was hard to argue against, no matter how much he wished to. He wanted Pan. He wanted to nest with him, and the realization that was impossible…. It hurt. It hurt a lot.
“I’m sorry,” Jin whispered. Viktor got the impression he meant it. “I know why you care for him. He has a big heart. And I know why he cares for you. It is for the same reason.”
Viktor snorted, his chest tight. His body was still one big bruise from that morning. By Phoenix, had it really only been that morning?
“I have been told I have a cold heart.” He thought of Natasha’s harsh words during one of their more abusive bouts.
“You were told wrong,” Jin said. “I know cold hearts, and I know warm ones. Trust me.”
Viktor looked up and stared. Then he smiled as the realization came. “I do trust you. You are odd, but I trust you.”
The grin came swiftly and then was gone. But it had been there, as had the humor in those black eyes. Though now his face was blank again, and he inclined his head.
“I will check on Pan.” He set his mug on the counter before leaving the room. Viktor turned back to the window. But he wasn’t looking outside. He was looking inward.
There was so much more to Pan than Viktor could ever have guessed. Pan was beautiful—his heart, mind, and body were works of art. Viktor and his hawk were in complete agreement. But if he wanted Pan, then Pan would have to leave the Agency, wouldn’t he? He’d have to choose. Now that Viktor knew the depth of Pan’s love for that organization, how long would it take for Pan to resent Viktor for making him choose?
Sighing deeply, his heart hurting, Viktor walked outside. The crisp afternoon air settled around him but gave him no comfort. He’d fallen in love with Agent Pan. From the moment Pan stepped back into his life, he’d been on a steady downward spiral. It shouldn’t have surprised him. But it did irritate him that Pan would never be his.
His hawk rebelled, screeching and flapping his wings angrily. Viktor scowled, his body tensing, his skin rippling. He argued silently with his hawk. Pan was it. If he couldn’t have Pan, there would be no other, and he would live the rest of his life lonely and cold.
Viktor closed his eyes tightly and lost the battle against hot, angry tears.