Izabel watched as the landscape whizzed by. In ten minutes, she’d be pulling into Liverpool Lime Street.
She was early, way earlier than anyone expected her to be. When she’d finally gotten hold of Luke and floated her concert idea, it had been after midnight, and he’d been on the tour bus headed for Liverpool. On the bunk above Matt.
Matt, who’d told her he loved her.
And then he’d messaged to confirm he meant it.
Now, thanks to Luke’s invitation to join them for her birthday, she was twenty minutes away from Matt’s orbit, if you included the cab she intended to take to the hotel.
She’d told Luke, and Matt, she’d be there by three, but her plan to meet Gemma had been cancelled when Gemma had called her with an upset stomach. Instead of the bottomless Prosecco brunch, she’d grabbed a baguette at Victoria station for the train ride. She glanced down at her phone and saw it wasn’t even noon. Nerves got the better of her and she called Matt.
“Hey, sweetheart.” His voice sounded rough, filled with gravel and a splash of Jack Daniels. It was ridiculous how much it made her melt.
“Hey. I…couldn’t wait. My train gets there in like ten minutes. Can we see each other somehow?”
“Babe. I’ll come get you at the station. Wait. No. Luke’ll think that weird. Hang on, what time is it?”
“About fifteen minutes to twelve.”
“We’re meant to meet for lunch at twelve. Why don’t I make like I’m heading out with the guys, then, as they leave the building, I’ll say something came up I have to go deal with? I’ll message you when they’ve gone and send you my room number.”
“Perfect. I’ll tell you once I’m here.”
There was a pause. “I can’t fuckin’ wait to hold you, Iz.”
His words chased away the flicker of guilt she felt, sneaking around behind her brother. After all, it was his stupid archaic and eternally patriarchal rule that had them hiding from him. “I can’t wait for you to hold me, either.”
It was eight minutes before Matt called her to tell them he’d gone up to his room to wait for her. She’d travelled light, a small overnight bag with a couple of changes of clothes. The band were playing two nights in Liverpool, Stryker’s hometown, before moving onto Manchester. And Iz planned to see both gigs and travel home with them on the bus.
She carried her tote and bag up to room 943 and knocked on the door.
When Matt opened it, shirtless, joggers sitting so deliciously low on his hips she knew he wasn’t wearing underwear, he didn’t even bother to greet her. He simply cupped her face and kissed her like he needed her to stay alive, and her body lit up like a firework in response. She dropped her bags as Matt tried to kick the door shut. Her coat dropped to the floor.
“I missed you,” Matt groaned in-between kisses and thrusts of his tongue. His hands were everywhere, it was impossible to keep up. Gripping her hip, cupping her breast so firmly her core clenched in response as she let out a gasp.
“Sorry, did I hurt you?” he asked.
“No. The opposite. Keep going. Please.”
Matt grinned. “My pleasure. I want you naked, and then I’m going to take my fill of you.”
Izabel pulled her black blouse over her head revealing new underwear she’d bought specially for him. “You said black lace, right.”
Matt stepped back to look at her, his gazed focused on her breasts, his own chest revealing he was breathing hard. “Fuck me, Iz. Your tits look so fucking good.”
Izabel bit down on her lip at the hunger in his eyes.
“Lose everything except the underwear.”
She followed his instructions as Matt pulled the elastic of his joggers out a little. The head of his thick erection was visible. “I had thoughts of how I was going to seduce you, Matt. But they’ve gone straight out of the window. I just need you in me.”
“Thank fuck,” Matt growled and dived on her, pushing her down onto the bed with a whoosh. “Every night I’ve jerked off in some hotel bed to thoughts of you and me together. The way you feel beneath me, on top of me. The way you ride me. And now I get to do it.”
Ruthlessly, he tugged the cup of her bra down and sucked her nipple into his mouth. It stung, a good pain she felt right between her legs. “Ah,” she cried out, threading her fingers into her hands, tugging it hard.
“Yeah, sweetheart. Pull it.”
She did as he asked, and his mouth popped off her nipple. He repeated the action with her other breast, only this time, he slid his fingers down her stomach to her clit.
“Have I ever told you I love how wet you get for me?”
Izabel wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his mouth back down onto hers.
It was wet, messy, their teeth banged into one another. His hands slipped into her underwear, his finger seeking her centre. On a gasp, she opened her legs wider to let him in.
Unable to grasp how she was only seconds away from coming all over his hands, she grabbed his wrist.
“No,’ he said, shaking his hand free. “Let me finish you. Let me watch you get off, because once I get in you, I’m not going to be able to wait for you.”
He slid his hand back between her legs, kissing her as he thrust into her, until she was a mass of sensation.
“Give it to me, Iz.”
“Matt,” she cried out on a gasp, letting go and coming around him.
“Jesus Christ, you’re fucking beautiful,” he growled against her ear.
He reached for one of the condoms she hadn’t noticed were on the bed and pushed his joggers low enough to pull it on. “Flip for me, sweetheart,” he said, tugging her toward the end of the bed as she did as he asked. Her legs dangled off the edge. Matt ran his hand down her spine, over her arse.
“Can’t believe I get to do this,” he muttered sweetly as he slid into her.
His body pressed down over her, pinning her to the blanket. She grinned into the bed covers. This was what turned Matt Palmer on. Having her trapped beneath him. First against the shower wall, and here on the bed.
“Jesus, Iz.”
He thrusts quickly gained traction. Faster and harder. There was no escaping the feeling of Matt all over and in her body. When he slid a hand beneath her, seeking her clit, she gasped.
She’d no idea if she would come again, but she loved him for thinking she might.
Matt pulled out of her and slammed home, his action jerking her clit against Matt’s fingers, the pressure almost unbearable.
“Keep doing that,” she cried out.
“This,” he said, exaggerating the action. “You going to come for me again. Soak me like you did my fingers. I love when you squeeze me, Iz. Feels like nothing else on the planet. Come on, sweetheart. I’m. Really. Close.”
His breath was uncoordinated, like her own. Gasping for oxygen.
“Ah,” Matt groaned as he lifted off her, giving him the freedom to simply take her. “Izabel. Yeah.”
He let out a loud groan. She could feel him pulsing deep inside her. The contractions and the pressure on her clit sending her over the edge to join him.
Matt slumped back down over her. “Fucking hell, Bryson. I think I just passed out from an orgasm.”
Izabel began to chuckle beneath him. It was such a stupid thing to say after something so mind-blowing, but maybe that was the point.
He began to kiss her. Innocent pecks along her shoulder, her neck, behind her ear. His hand edged out from beneath her and he gripped the edge of the condom as he slid out of her. “Couldn’t even wait to get my joggers off,” he muttered, before flopping on the bed.
He pulled the condom off, put a knot in it, and placed it with the wrapper. “Come here,” he said.
Izabel crawled up the bed into Matt’s arms. They lay in silence, the frenetic energy of a few minutes ago dissipating as his heartbeat slowed. “I really missed you,” Matt said quietly, kissing the top of her head.
“Yeah, I missed you too.”
Matt leaned up on one elbow and brushed her hair behind her ear. “I thought it would be good between us. But every time it gets better.”
He kissed her, this time lazily, one of those kisses you see in movies, and Izabel closed her eyes and allowed herself to simply enjoy it.
“Happy birthday, sweetheart.”
Izabel grinned. “What a great birthday present.”
Matt jumped up and went to the bedside table and pulled out a bag. “Here’s your real one.”
Izabel’s heart squeezed at the thought he’d actually bought her something. In the bag was a small black jewellery box, and in the box was a beautiful pendant. Suspended inside a thick ring of rose gold it was a glass bead. “It’s gorgeous.”
“Watch this.” Matt closed the curtains and reached for his phone and the necklace. Once near the wall, he turned the flashlight on and held it to the glass bead. Words appeared on the wall in different languages, but the three she noticed in English made her heart soar.
I love you.
“You do?” she asked, needing to hear him say it for real.
He turned the flashlight off and opened the heavy drapes. “Yeah, Izabel. I do. And while we figure this out, I wanted you to have something to remind you of it every day, without anyone knowing what it meant.”
“I love it. It’s really thoughtful.” She lifted her hair out of the way so he could put it on. When he was done, she turned to face him. “And I love you, too.”
This time she kissed him.
“How is the planning going for the concert?” he asked.
Izabel flopped back down onto the bed. “It’s about seventy billion lists right now. I have a lot of emails out this morning and on the train. Maybe all of them will disappear into the void.”
“Or maybe they’ll all be opened by generous people who want to do the right thing.”
Izabel rolled onto her side and fiddled with her necklace. “I hope so. I don’t want this to be a flop before I even started.”
Matt tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You’re not this project. If it flops, it’s not a reflection on you as a person. It’s just a project that couldn’t get off the ground. But I think it’s going to take off. And we can definitely help anchor the project because all of this,” he gestured around the room. “There are really positive signs of this success sticking for us.”
Izabel threw her arms around his neck. “I’m so proud of you. I know how much you doubted it.”
“Thanks. It still feels too good to be true. Sales are steadily increasing. And social media engagement has sky-rocketed beyond anything we can keep up with.”
Izabel grinned. “This is such a good day, Matt. I’m glad I get to share it with you.”
Matt glanced at his watch. “As much as I’m glad you’re here to spend it with, I think we should probably get you dressed and down into the lobby where you can message Luke and tell him you’re here.”
She burrowed closer against him. “Do I have to?”
Matt rubbed his hand along her back. “If you don’t want Luke, or Jase, to walk out on the tour before your gig, or we all get paid, we’re going to have to.”
She bit back the urge to complain and climbed off the bed and went to the bathroom to clean up.
When she came back out, Matt had tugged on a T-shirt and trainers, and she began to pull her clothes back on.
“You’d better cover up that underwear real quick,” Matt said. “I think you in that was more than my sex-starved body could deal with.”
She shimmied her jeans up over her butt while Matt grabbed her blouse from the floor and straightened it out. When she was ready, he placed it over her head, helping her slip her arms into the sleeves before smoothing it down over her torso.
“If I’m a bit distant around you later, you know it’s only to avoid suspicion, right?”
Izabel bit back her disappointment. “I know. It just would be…I don’t know. Pretty damn awesome to stand at the side of the stage as your girlfriend instead of Luke’s sister.”
Matt placed his hands on her shoulders. “It’s going to be hard to keep my distance.”
“Yeah.”
It was going to be impossible.
The backstage area of the gig was chaotic. Large black boxes on wheels, cables, people in every type of dress from suits to ripped up T-shirts and micro-skirts. A roaring noise from the arena as impatient fans waited for the band to hit the stage.
She straightened her slouchy off the shoulder dress and boots, biting back a smile at Matt’s reaction to her outfit earlier. The text message the followed had been explicit.
I’m going to fuck you in those boots.
She couldn’t wait.
It had been hard to not hang around him too much. In fact, it was hard to know how much too much was. She just knew that the man who had complete faith in her ability to organise the concert had given her the confidence boost she’s needed to walk a little taller.
He’d given her the faith in herself that she could indeed pull it off.
And that confidence was a great feeling.
“Are you working on Monday before the gig in Manchester?” Luke asked her as he got ready to head on stage.
“Yeah. I’m supposed to be at the yoga studio for the day, then head to the shelter for a couple of hours before the gig to plan the fundraiser. I need to start approaching bands with the idea of the concert, with a follow up when the date is confirmed. And there’s the invite list. I’ve started a list of wealthy donors, celebrities, and footballers in Manchester. I’m hopeful we get a venue big enough so we could also do some general admission tickets and—”
“It’s just I’m all out of clean stuff, so I wondered if you could do some laundry for me, and then if I give you some cash, could you do a shop?”
Urgh. She didn’t have time.
Say it. Just say you’re too busy.
“Could you just do an online order or something? I wasn’t going to go home between leaving work and going to the concert.”
“If I ordered stuff, someone still has to be home before it’s delivered and then put it away. I’d really appreciate if you could be flexible.”
Urgh.
“Let’s get a load in when we get home after the gig on Sunday night, pop it in the drier in the morning. And I’ll pop to the store before I got to work to pick up the basics it doesn’t take too long,” she said, mentally berating herself. She owed him. While she contributed to food and what bills she could, he was bearing the weight of rent and insurance.
“You’re the best.” He went to hug her, but whatever he saw stopped him in his tracks.
“Iz. A fucking love bite. How old are you? Who did that?”
Izabel pulled her dress higher up her shoulder. She’d thought it was faint after she’d applied some concealer over it. “I’m twenty-six, and it’s none of your business who did it.”
Luke raised his hands in surrender. “Fine. But tell the fucking vampire to keep his teeth to himself.”
Ben tapped Luke on the shoulder. “Come on, we’ve got to go. Nice necklace, Izabel.”
Izabel reached for it and smiled. “Thanks, Ben.” As she touched it, happiness at how personal the gift was rippled through her. Luke had told her he fully intended to pay for the hotel room he’d booked for her for the night. She’d got a text from her mum and an email with a gift card in it which was about as personal as a car wreck.
But the necklace was…special. Made her feel cared about.
Jase walked by with Alex, giving her a chin tip.
Matt was last to head to the stage. He slipped his hand into hers and led her along. She tried to shake his hand loose, but he held tight. “They aren’t looking at us, Iz. No-one is.”
Her heart beat a little faster, remembering the feeling after Luke had nearly caught them. She understood a little of what Matt meant.
“Stay stage right so you’re near me. I want to know you’re right there even if I can’t play directly to you.”
Izabel bit down on her lip. She’d be the last to admit it, but she kind of liked it when Matt was decisive. Perhaps it was because she wasn’t. But there was something utterly capable about him. And maybe he wouldn’t want to hear it, but she found him just as attractive with paint splattered hair and dirty fingernails from a hard day’s work as she did in his black shirt and dark jeans with a guitar over his shoulder.
Whichever version of Matt she ended up with in the future, she’d love him just the same. Because what he did for her, the way he made her feel capable too, was independent of what he did for a living.
“I’m looking forward to showing you just how much I loved your performance tonight, later,” she whispered.
Matt glanced down at her and grinned. “As long as you leave the boots on.”
“Obviously.”
“Wait a second before coming up,” Matt said, before stepping ahead of her.
Ignoring the flip her stomach did when she was reminded of their secrecy, she did as he asked before taking the last few steps to the stage. She glanced toward the moving, surging crowd of people. Faces blurring into darkness, lights shining towards the band.
She could feel the energy of it push against her chest before a single note was played. But as Luke settled himself into his drum kit and, after a nod from Matt, crashing his sticks down, the roar became a pressure she could barely breath through. The wood beneath her feet vibrated. Matt’s lips were so close to the microphone as he harmonised with Jase, they almost brushed it.
They were all so fluid. Alex practically danced as he played the music. Ben bounced on his toes. Jase stood with his arms wide open as he leaned into the microphone. And her brother made the weird drummer faces she’d always teased him about.
But Matt. He tapped his foot to the rhythm as he played. A steady anchor to the band who looked like they were fit to vibrate right off the stage.
The audience screamed for more. Louder than she’d ever heard them.
She thought back to the small gig she’d gone to with Gemma. They’d been good. But this was something else. It was if their confidence inflated to the roar of the crowd.
“They’re good, aren’t they?” the voice said from behind her. Niles, the lead singer from Stryker stepped to her side.
“Hey. Yes. They’re amazing,” Izabel yelled over the wall of sound. “Thank you for asking them to join you.”
“Are you with them?” Niles asked.
Izabel grinned. “Luke is my brother. You really think they are good?”
Niles crossed his arms across his chest. “Not as good as we are,” he said, with laughter in his voice. He leaned closer to her ear. “But yeah, they’re really good. Matt and Luke write all their material, right.”
“They’ve worked hard.”
“We’ve all had to. That’s why they deserve it.”
Matt glanced over then did a double take. He raised an eyebrow, and it took Izabel a moment to realise what it must look like to him, with Niles all in her space while they yelled at each other. Jealousy wasn’t a particularly attractive trait, but the little flutter of it Matt was obviously experiencing bizarrely made her feel better given the number of screaming women on the front row.
Instead of stepping away. She winked.
Matt shook his head and smiled before turning back to the stage.
“Later, Luke’s sister,” Niles said, before jogging back down the steps.
It was a solid hour later before the band wrapped up their set and they bounded off stage. Their energy was so palpable, Izabel felt as though it would take nothing to reach out and touch it.
Ben and Jase came down the steps first. Ben high-fived her while Jase ignored her completely. While it was for the best, her heart hurt. It was as much her fault as it was his.
Luke came off next and threw a sweaty arm over her shoulder. “What did you think?”
“I think you’re gross,” she said, slipping from beneath his arm. “And you guys were made for arenas. It was incredible to watch how the crowd responded.”
“It’s fucking wild. To be up there. And to think, for a while, I was starting to think we’d never make it.”
“You were?” she asked, watching the steps as she followed him.
“Yeah. It was Matt. He just wouldn’t let us give up. And now we get to do this. I’m just going to grab a clean T-shirt, then we can go get a drink or something. I’m starving.”
“I’ll be here,” she said.
Waiting.
But for an altogether different reason to her brother.
“Follow me,” Matt whispered in her ear.
She glanced over her shoulder and saw him disappear down a corridor off the side of the stage. Luke had gone in the completely opposite direction. It would be wise to stay exactly where she was. But knowing Matt was only steps away overruled her best judgement.
As she stepped around the corner, Matt gripped her arm and pulled her close. “Kiss me, Iz.”
How could she not do what he said when his voice was so damn commanding. Their lips met, a collision of flesh and tongue. Who knew kisses could be so utterly debilitating? Rational thought, that Luke could find them, completely escaped her as he pulled her against him. His hand slid from her cheek to the back of her neck, clutching her hair.
Holding her close.
“Shit, Iz. I want you,” he muttered as his lips traced a trail along her jaw, down the side of her neck.
“Matt,” she gasped through the onslaught.
But he didn’t stop. He gripped her hip, squeezing tight, as he backed her against the wall. And God, when his hard dick lined up against the ache in her clit, she groaned. But bit down on her lip and pushed him gently away.
“Matt,” she tried again.
He stepped away immediately and placed his hands on his head as he blew out a breath. “Fuck me. Sorry, Iz. I guess you watching me cranked me up so high I forgot where we were.”
As he closed the gap between them again and ran his thumb along her lower lip. “I definitely have a shy exhibitionist kink or something because I find myself ready to completely override any kind of common sense when it comes to you and possibly getting caught. Like, I really don’t want to get caught.”
“Maybe when people know about us, we can test out whether it was a risk thing or a real thing.”
“I love the idea. You know, I keep debating telling people now. But then I think back to Luke. When we were in London, he…”
“He what?”
Matt shook his head. “He just told me some shit, about how much the band meant to him and stuff.”
“He said the same to me when he came off stage just then.”
“Fuck. I’m a dick, Iz. It’s so fucking unfair of me to do this to you both. Hiding you. Lying to him. I love you both, but you wouldn’t think so by the way I’m handling this. I just don’t know what to do for the best, Iz. It’s making me feel ill.”
She cupped his face. “Matt. You aren’t a dick. I get it. I can’t say I like being a secret, but I get it. You’ve been waiting for this one chance. And Luke has always made it very clear he doesn’t want me mixed up in his business with the band. You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. But you aren’t evil because of it. Didn’t you say something similar to me?”
“Pretty sure we never had a conversation you being a dick or evil.”
Izabel smiled and stoked his cheek. “You told me if the charity concert flopped, it was not a reflection on me as a person.”
Matt nipped the tip of her finger. “Pretty sure this is nothing like that.”
“Okay. So it’s a stretch. But you’re trying to do the right thing. For the band and for Luke. And that means doing something hard in your personal life.”
“I hope you like doing my hard things.”
“I’m serious,” she said, even as she grinned.
“So am I.” He gripped her hip and pulled her against him.
“We aren’t thinking about that right now. Let me finish my point.”
Matt threw his palms up in surrender. “I’m sorry. Go ahead.”
“Well, I guess I just see it as kind of the same thing. You want all of this to be successful, and you’ve come up with the best way of managing you can think of. And sure, it’s got implications. But you aren’t deliberately trying to be a bad person.”
“I love you.” Matt said, placing a soft kiss on her lips. “And one day, we’ll be in our own place, with band and career success, and our family will know, and it will be perfect.”
“I love you, too. And it’s also perfect now. With your creaky bed which forces us to get creative when we have sex, and your narrow bathtub we have to squeeze close to each other in, and arena hallway kisses that test your exhibitionism. It’s all its own kind of perfection.”
“Did anybody see, Iz?” Luke’s words carried toward her.
“Go.” Matt looked in the direction of his voice and pressed a quick kiss on her lips. “I’ll message you later to carry on this conversation,” he said, before disappearing down the hall.
And the suddenness of his absence ripped a tear through her happiness.
Matt yawned and stretched his hands over his head. The clock told him it was nine in the morning after the concert, but it felt like five minutes since Izabel had crept out of his bed a little after four. He tried to persuade her to stay, to sleep in his arms, where he liked her, but she’d been reluctant. She’d been doing the thinking for both of them when she reminded him the rest of the band were dotted around the hotel and could see her walking the halls in the clothes she’d worn the previous evening.
Although, hell, Izabel, in the slouchy off the shoulder dress and thigh high boots with a stiletto heel, had been a walking wet dream. Watching her get dressed, pulling the boots over her thighs had got him all riled up again.
Just like it had while he’d been on stage as he’d watched Niles, get close to Izabel off stage. He’d wondered just how far he’d let Niles get before he’d marched over there and decked the fucker.
The last thing they needed was to get kicked off the tour because he’d beat up the main act’s lead singer.
But there had been something about Izabel being there, watching them. He’d realised what he’d been missing. Someone to play for.
The band were leaving at eleven for Manchester, leaving him enough time for a shower and some breakfast.
Someone hammered on the door too heavily for it to be Izabel.
He rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of joggers. Through the peephole, he saw Ben looking windswept in his coat, carrying two brown paper bags from Costa.
Matt dragged the door open. “Morning,” he said, his voice rough as fuck.
“I brought you breakfast. Figured we haven’t spent much time together given we haven’t shared rooms on this trip.”
Matt rubbed a hand over his face and stepped out of the way as Ben stepped inside. “Cheers, mate,” Matt said, as he grabbed a T-shirt from his bag and pulled it over his head. “I was just thinking about food. I’m starving.”
“You should have come with us for a kebab after the gig.”
Matt grimaced. “Glad I didn’t. Too much to do and I was tired.”
“Not very rock ’n’ roll of you, Matt.”
He laughed as Ben handed him his breakfast sandwich. Bacon, eggs, sausage, and three sachets of HP sauce, just as he liked it. “God, this smells so good.” Once the brown sauce had been smeared all over the bun, he took a huge bite.
“Got you a double espresso. And two croissants if you’re still hungry.”
Matt took a sip of the piping hot coffee and winced as it burned the tip of his tongue. “What did you get up to last night?”
“Stuck around with Chaya to watch Stryker, then we went for a walk around the city for a bit. Ended up at a kebab place and brought them back here to eat. Wasn’t sure a kebab would work with Sukkot?”
“Sukkot?”
“Honestly, mate, not entirely sure. Sort of like a harvest. But Chaya’s dad has this sukkah, like this glamping set-up, in the back garden they’re meant to eat in. Anyway, Chaya’s feeling remorse for breaking Shabbat yesterday.”
“Oh, the no electrical devices thing on Saturdays.” Chaya’s religious rules were almost as baffling as Ben and Chaya’s friendship. They were pretty much like an old married couple, except they’d never even kissed, and Ben clearly didn’t have a problem hooking up with other women.
“Yeah. Anyway, took her some breakfast, said I’d give her space to sit with her bible for a bit, and thought I’d come eat with you.”
“Can I ask you a personal question? Did Chaya sleep with you?”
Ben pulled a face as if he’d just asked the dumbest question in the world. “Nah. The couch in my room was a pull out.”
“How long have you known each other?”
“Fourteen years since I found her.”
Found her. It was such a funny term for what happened. “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t gone messing around in that warehouse?”
Ben ran his hand over his face. “It’s only since I became an adult I’ve had nightmares about it. As a kid, seeing her tied up felt like something out of a movie. Like being one of those kids in the Goonies or something. Now I’m older, I see her in that chair, crying, and I realised what Trevor Foster could have done to her. Scares the fucking shit out of me.”
Matt couldn’t help but think finding Chaya after she’d been abducted by a neighbour had left an irrevocable mark on both of their hearts. Chaya only ever felt safe with Ben, and Ben felt an unprecedented need to protect Chaya. As a pair, they were impenetrable, and Matt wondered what would happen when one of them found the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. He didn’t know how he’d feel if Izabel had a male best friend who shared every facet of her life, including bedrooms.
Jealous.
Yeah, that’s what he’d feel.
Matt finished his breakfast sandwich before crushing the wrapper into a ball and lobbing it at the bin. He missed and Ben picked it up and dropped it into the bin. He looked twice at the bin then raised an eyebrow in Matt’s direction and then laughed. “You know, Alex is obsessed with the idea you have some chick in the wings. I called bullshit. Three condom wrappers and a lame excuse of leaving early last night because you had a ton of work to do says he might be onto something.”
Matt’s stomach tightened. He didn’t want to lie to Ben, but he had no choice. “Just a woman I’ve been chatting with.” It wasn’t an outright lie. He’d been chatting with Izabel, a lot.
“Did a lot more than chat by the looks of things.”
Matt shrugged. “It’s not like I’m doing this every night.”
Ben grinned. “Listen, I’m not judging. Chaya wasn’t here, might have done the same thing.”
Matt reached for the coffee Ben had placed on the desk and accidentally knocked over the glass of water Izabel had left there. “Fuck me,” he muttered and lifted his laptop off the desk.
“I’ve got it,” Ben said, dashing into the bathroom. He returned with a towel and began to move the papers out of the way, drying as he went.
Matt put the laptop on the bed. When he turned, Ben had Izabel’s necklace hanging from his finger. “Please tell me it’s not Izabel you’re fucking.”
Somewhere between lack of sleep and shock and fear of what would happen next, Matt couldn’t even find a lie.
“She was wearing this last night. I thought it was really unusual. She’s the chick you’ve been chatting with?”
Matt took a deep breath. “Ben, it’s way more complex than chatting.” He grabbed his coffee and dropped down onto the bed.
“That’s why you kept staring at her when she was talking with Niles.”
“Ben, please.”
“Are you fucking brainless?” Ben glared at him, Iz’s necklace still in his hand.
“Obviously.”
“How long?”
“A month. Physically. Nearly a decade, mentally.”
Ben slumped down into the desk chair. “Fuck me, Matt.”
Matt sipped on his coffee. It was finally cool enough to drink, and he really needed some caffeine. “Yep.”
Ben studied the necklace in his palm. “This from you?” he asked.
“Birthday present.”
“I’m guessing Luke doesn’t know.”
“I still have my balls and the band is intact, so that would be a negative on Luke.”
Ben leaned forward and rubbed a hand over his face. “What are you going to do?”
Matt leaned back on the bed and rested his coffee cup on his stomach. “I was hoping we’d ride this wave of success we’ve been having, get us to a more secure position. Then tell Luke.”
“You honestly think where the band is at will make a difference in how he takes this. You know how he was after Jase.”
Unable to get comfortable, Matt sat up again. “Do you know how I was after Jase? It fucking broke me. All these years I’d been carrying a torch for Iz, torn between my feelings for her and my promise to my best friend, and Jase just blows the fucking doors off. And I couldn’t say a word.”
“I had no idea, Matt.”
“Yeah, well. No-one did. Not even Izabel.”
“Why didn’t you try and talk with Luke about it? You two spend so much time together.”
“When was I supposed to tell him? We were mates. He told us to stay away from his sister. I valued his fucking friendship.”
Ben scoffed. “Not so much now then, eh, mate? He’ll kill you.”
“Fucking cheery thought.”
“Alex seems to think it was more than a one-night thing for Jase. Like not that he slept with her more than once. But that he fancied her for ages, too.”
Matt chugged the rest of his coffee. “Something Izabel said would concur with that.”
Silence fell between them. The radiator in the room clanged. A door in the hallway slammed shut. A child ran down the corridor laughing. Life going on as usual while his own world fell like it was crashing down.
“You won’t tell Luke or Jase, will you?” Matt asked eventually.
“Ah, don’t put me in the middle.”
“I’m not asking you to take sides. I’m just asking you to keep this to yourself until I figure out what the hell I’m going to do.”
Ben held the chain out towards Matt and dropped it into his palm. “I don’t think you don’t know what to do. I think you know and are scared of the outcome. The band will implode. Jase and or Luke will quit.”
Matt groaned. “You think I don’t know, Ben? I live with it every day.”
Ben stood. “Is she worth it?”
Is she worth it?
The way she always asked him how his day went? The way she slid him handwritten notes beneath his door when she left for work, the way she held him and listened to him as he talked and ranted and played. The way the darkest room was illuminated by her very presence, the way he could feel the living vibration of her when they lay next to each other in bed. The way she held him and sucked him and made love with him and fucked him.
“For a million reasons I’m not ready to share, she is.”
Ben sighed. “Fine. I’ll not tell Luke. For now.”
Matt stood and squeezed Ben’s shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position.”
“Yeah, well, just don’t leave me hanging here. It’ll only be worse the longer this goes on. You need to tell him, Matt.”
Matt nodded.
But as the door clicked shut, he realised he was no closer to figuring out how.