What if I’d been the first to walk outside? I kept asking myself. What would have gone through my mind while I was bleeding out in the snow?
I wondered if Albert’s life had flashed before his eyes and whether he’d seen a white light. I wondered if he’d been in pain, or if, at the moment of death, he’d felt numb.
I didn’t want to think about it. But I couldn’t focus on anything else.
Around midnight I got a text from Jessica.
Meet me after work?
I texted back: Ok.
It was too late to pretend I wasn’t into her. The kiss at the club had given me away. And the truth was, I didn’t want to be alone. I needed some Jessica right now.
At 2:05, Jessica left the club in a faux-fur coat and leather boots. She saw me on the sidewalk and gave me a hug that warmed me through our coats.
“There’s a place around the corner,” she said, hooking her arm through mine. I didn’t know if she was worried about slipping on the ice or if she wanted to be close to me, but I liked it either way.
Jessica took me to a Middle-Eastern diner. Huge hunks of chicken and beef rotated on spits behind the counter, filling the air with the mouthwatering smells of spicy meat. The place was empty except for a group of old Arab guys sitting at the counter, chatting with the owner. We ordered hot chocolates and sat down.
“I heard what happened today,” she said. “Are you okay?”
I hesitated. Was this why she’d wanted to meet with me—to get the gory details? But no, that wasn’t Jessica.
“I’m fine.”
“Must’ve been scary. Anyone could’ve gotten hit.”
“I know.”
She obviously expected me to say something more, something deep, but I didn’t know what that was.
“I’m surprised you got back into the game after juvie,” she said after a moment.
There it was. The question nobody had dared to ask. Jessica was even bolder than I’d thought. She must’ve been nervous, though—her napkin was torn to pieces in front of her.
I played it cool. “Nobody wants to hire you out of juvie. Anyway, this is a temporary thing.”
“My boss is looking for another coat check person. I could ask him for you.”
“Thanks, but don’t worry about it.”
Jessica didn’t want me selling drugs. That made me respect her even more. But I wondered why she’d bothered with me in the first place.
I changed the topic. “So how’d you end up working at Chaos?”
“My friend Natalie works there, so she got me an interview.”
I raised an eyebrow teasingly. “How does an interview work? You put on a tight skirt and heels and walk with a tray?”
“Ha-ha. The tips are amazing. I had to work at Wendy’s five nights a week to make the same money I make Friday and Saturday nights. And if I wasn’t already working there, I’d be trying to find a way in.”
“I don’t blame you. I’m just worried you’ll slip on all those guys’ drool.”
“Very funny,” she said, fighting a smile.
Warmth spread through my chest, and it wasn’t the hot drink. Jessica was achingly sweet. The memory of our kiss filled my mind. I zoned out for a few seconds, reliving every hot moment, then started listening to her again. She was saying how much she loved my music.
“I’m going to make it my career,” I told her. “Me and a friend are planning to start up a record label.”
“That’s exciting. I wish I could be involved somehow.”
“Do you sing?”
“Very badly.”
“You can dance in one of our videos, then. I know you can dance.”
She fluttered her lashes downward, and I bet she was thinking back to Smalls’s party, where we’d gotten so close there wasn’t a breath of space between us. I wished we could be that close right now.
“If you liked my dancing so much, you should’ve called me.”
Did she have to put me on the spot like that? She knew I was interested. I wouldn’t be here at two thirty in the morning if I wasn’t.
“I’ve been focused on the streets. Lot of shit going down.”
Her eyes went big. “Oh.” She was thinking about Albert’s murder, of course. She must’ve heard about Rico’s murder too. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that’s why you didn’t call.” She looked worried. About me.
“Don’t be sorry. You hungry? I’m thinking about a chicken shawarma.”
I went up to the counter to get the food. When I came back, I made sure we stayed on safe topics. School. Filimino’s grading methods. Gossip—that was Jessica’s territory. But instead of trash-talking people, she managed to make excuses for them, no matter what they were into. The girl didn’t have a mean bone in her body. I guess I should be glad; if she were more judgmental, she wouldn’t be hanging with me.
By the time she suggested we leave, the sky was lightening. I wasn’t even tired. Being with Jessica made my blood buzz. We headed outside and hailed a cab.
In the backseat, the tension between us was electric. We sat right against each other, and she laid her head on my shoulder. When she looked up at me, I couldn’t resist kissing her. She cupped the back of my head and kissed me back. Her kiss was slow and sensual. There was no staying away from Jessica. No pretending I was indifferent. I wanted her more than I’d wanted any girl.
I knew that I was lost. And it was the best place I’d ever been.
Lost
That girl is a rocket ship
She blasts you up so high
Flash of brilliance in the sky
For that girl you’d do anything
Everything
Anything
For that girl you’d do anything
Even give your life.