Christmas morning was snowy. It was a pretty scene, even in Jane-Finch, like one of those snow globes. I spent the morning on the floor with Kiki, who went wild over the music set. I accompanied him on the keyboard while he pounded on the drum and sang words I couldn’t figure out. He had natural rhythm.
It was my first Christmas with him, and I ended up singing songs I thought I’d forgotten the words to. Whenever I thought of all the important things I’d missed by being in juvie, it tore me up. Kiki’s first smiles, first steps, first words. I wasn’t his dad, but I was the closest thing he’d have to one.
Christmas in juvie was the shittiest time of year. The little plastic tree in the cafeteria made us all feel worse. The only good thing was that White Chris and I had been inspired to write a rap called “White Chris-mas,” about a guy who broke out of juvie on Christmas Eve, then set the place on fire. It was going to be our first single, and hopefully it would blow up.
Mom made French toast, our Christmas tradition. She used thick Texas toast and sprinkled it with cinnamon and icing sugar. Kiki made a mess of himself, getting food all over his face and hair, but that was part of the fun. When Kiki was done eating, he reached out to me with powdery hands, and even though I knew it would get my shirt dirty, I lifted him out of his booster seat. We went to the sink and washed up, then got down on the floor again to play with his new toys.
That afternoon, Jessica stopped by. When I opened the door, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. I might’ve enjoyed it if Mom and Tasha weren’t watching. They’d already met Jessica a few times, but I still wasn’t comfortable with them all in the same room.
“Jessi!” Kiki ran to her, and she scooped him up. He nuzzled her neck and started playing with her hair like a new toy. He’d been hooked on her instantly, and I couldn’t blame him. She looked good, smelled good, and gave lots of hugs.
“Easy, Kiki, you’re messing up her hair,” I said.
“It’s okay,” Jessica said. “You’ll have to help me brush it, right, Kiki?”
“Brush, brush!” He smoothed her hair.
We all laughed. I loved seeing Jessica with Kiki, seeing how good she treated him.
“Have you eaten, Jessica?” Mom asked. “I made a ton of French toast this morning.”
“Thanks, but I’m stuffed.” Jessica put a hand over her stomach. “We just had brunch. And I’ll be expected to eat again in a few hours.”
“You’re probably thirsty, then,” Mom said, and Jessica agreed to some juice. Mom obviously wanted to impress her. She saw how sophisticated Jessica was, and I could tell she was proud that I was with her. Tasha just looked bored. No one I could bring home would ever impress her, because she’d wonder what they saw in me.
Jessica took a present from her bag. “I have a gift for you.”
Kiki’s eyes lit up. “Toys!”
She helped him with the shiny red wrapping paper, revealing a package of fifteen Matchbox cars. Kiki squealed and struggled to tear the package open until Mom intervened with scissors.
As Kiki played with his cars, my mom chatted with Jessica. More like, Mom pelted her with questions, some of them too personal.
“So, Jessica, Darren hasn’t told me much about your family. What do your parents do?”
I wanted to throw one of Kiki’s cars at her. Mom was all about status, and she was way too obvious about it.
“My mom’s a personal support worker, and she’s going to night school for social work. Dad’s the executive chef at Luigi’s.”
“Wow. Executive chef.” Mom was really impressed. “You must eat well at your place.”
“Well, when he’s home, the last thing he wants to do is cook. My mom does most of it. She’s pretty good, though.”
Mom’s questions went on, but Jessica answered cheerfully. It was a relief when Kiki went for his nap and Jessica and I finally got the chance to be alone. In my bedroom, we put on some music.
“Sorry about my mom,” I said, lying down on the bed. “She doesn’t know when to quit.”
Jessica cuddled in to me. “She wants to make sure I’m good enough for her son.”
“Nah, she’s just trying to figure out why you’re bothering with me.”
“No way. Your mom adores you. I can tell.”
“What about Tasha—she adore me too?”
She paused. “Your sister’s more reserved than your mom.”
“Nice of you to put it that way. I’d call her cold.”
“Now, Kiki, in my opinion, is the cutest kid ever. He has your wicked smile.”
“You think I have a wicked smile?”
“Oh yeah? You like a dangerous guy?”
“Not really. But you’re not a dangerous guy, deep down.”
I wasn’t sure what to think of that. What I was doing these days was dangerous. “You’re not going to tell me I’m a good guy, are you? That’s the kiss of death.”
She giggled. “You’re definitely not good.” Her lips touched mine, then softly opened.
We kissed for a while, but Jessica refused to fool around in case Mom came knocking. I told her that my mom wouldn’t walk in, but Jessica was too shy about it. She had no clue what she did to me, how much she made me want her. Eventually, Jessica put a hand on my chest and gently pushed me away. She was quiet for a while.
“I was really scared yesterday,” she said.
I’d been hoping she wouldn’t bring it up. “Yeah. It was weird.”
“Weird?” She eased out of my arms. “Is that how you’d put it?”
“Weird. Tense. Look, Jessica, I hated that we were in that situation. I couldn’t have predicted it.”
“There’s no way we’re taking Kendra out with us again,” she said.
“You’re right.”
“She knows about you now.”
“I figured.”
“She thinks I’m a hypocrite for being with a dealer. I’ve always told her to stay away from—”
“Guys like me,” I said wearily. “It’s good advice.” So why aren’t you taking it?
“Yeah, well, it’s meaningless now. She was going to tell my parents, you know.”
“You talked her out of it?”
Jessica nodded. “I said if she did, I’d tell them that I caught her cutting school.”
“I’m sorry.” And I was. I hated that I’d caused these problems between Jessica and her sister. But I was glad her parents hadn’t found out about me. I wanted a future with Jessica when my mission was done.
“I don’t see why you have to do it,” she said. “I mean, there are people who hate you, who maybe even want to kill you, just because of who you work for.”
“Stop, Jessica. You know the deal with me. You’ve always known it. If you’re not comfortable, you’re not locked into this.”
“I know, but . . .” She sounded defeated. “I know. It just doesn’t fit, Darren. You’re not one of them. You have so much talent. You don’t need them.”
“I need you.” Maybe it sounded dumb, but it was true. With Jessica by my side, I felt like Superman. I could do anything.
I kissed her again. She melted in to me, her arguments falling away. Part of me wished she was stronger, that she could get up and walk out of here. It was the smart thing to do. But she couldn’t do that. And I couldn’t either.
* * *
At some point we both fell asleep, because it was after five when I opened my eyes. I sensed Jessica was awake too.
“When do you have to be home for dinner?”
“I have to be at my aunt’s at six.” She groaned. “I should leave now.” But she didn’t move from my arms. “I’m dreading it.”
“Why?”
“It’s our first Christmas without my cousin Valerie.”
I’d heard about what happened to Valerie Mays. She was a senior at our school who’d died in a car accident a few months back. She used to hang out with Jessica. I hadn’t realized they were related.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“It’s okay. It’s just that my family . . . it’s like there’s this black cloud.”
“Must be hard losing someone so close.”
She was silent for a moment. “My family says it was her time, that God meant for her to go when she did. They think that if it wasn’t a car accident, it would’ve been something else. But I don’t think it was fate. Valerie had so much more to do. So many plans.”
“It’s easier for people to believe in fate. If you think it’s all planned out ahead of time, then you don’t have to wonder if you could’ve changed it.”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know.” I thought about it. If fate did exist, then for some reason my dad had been assigned a tragic one. I hoped it wouldn’t be the same for me. “I’d like to think we make our own.”
White Chris-mas
They called him White Chris
Though his skin was so black
Some other inmates
They went on the attack
Time for a prison break
That’s how it’s got to go
Christmas Eve was the day
Bare feet in the snow
He slips past the guards
Mom’s gift around his neck
A pendant of St. Michael
White Chris he will protect
A canister is hid
Put there by a friend
Then a lighter is lit
The flames spread like fear
The flames burn like tears
The walls of juvie burn
The flames of wasted years.
White Chris sits on a hill
Watches the fiery sight
“Merry Chris-mas to all
And to all a good night.”