Monday morning. I’d hoped school would be a distraction from my thoughts, but no such luck. By the time I showed up to Filimino’s class, I was ready to get lost in the beats. I rapped inside my head:
You can’t wash off the ugly
The stain of this game
You carry it with you
You’ll never be the same
It’s a disease inside you
Taking over your being
You see all these people
Go from normal to fiends.
Ricky tapped me on the shoulder, killing my flow. “I’ve been working on some new lyrics,” he said.
Great. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with him right now, but I didn’t have a choice. “What kind of beat do you need?”
“Anything. I’ll make it work.”
“Okay.” I put on a generic beat. “Go for it, then.”
As usual, Ricky waited too many beats before starting. Just when I was getting really annoyed, he went, “Greatness is the aim/When you get into the game/The deals get done/The money, you get some/People running scared/But the kingpin has a plan/He rules over the streets/Don’t mess with Diamond Man.”
He looked at me for approval.
What was he trying to do, rap like a gangster? He had no clue what Tony was made of. No clue about the game.
“What do you think?” he asked eagerly.
“I think you should rap about what you know. About your life. Not this gangster shit.”
His face fell. “My life’s too boring to rap about. But I could rap about yours.”
I gritted my teeth, telling myself to be patient with the kid. There was a time when I’d been just like him—innocent, stupid. A time when I’d thought working for Diamond Tony meant a chance at an exciting life.
“Your life is boring? Well, I spent two years in juvie. Now, that’s so boring you want to blow your brains out.”
“Yeah, but . . .”
“But what?”
“Now you’re back in the game, right?”
I loomed over him. “You keep asking questions like that and people will start talking about you. Thinking maybe you’re a snitch or something. And you know what the Diamond Man does to snitches?”
Ricky swallowed and bent his head. I’d finally gotten through to the kid.
* * *
At lunch I stayed in the music room. That’s where Jessica found me.
“I thought you weren’t at school today. I was really worried.” She wrapped herself around me.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve found you.”
“You okay?”
I wasn’t sure I knew the answer.
“Did the Vet come back?” she asked in a whisper, though we were alone in the room.
“Yeah. I told him that if he didn’t back off, I’d tell Tony he gave me fake money. He got spooked.”
“So he’s going to leave you alone?”
I nodded.
“Thank God.” She sighed with relief and hugged me.
I was tempted to tell her the truth, to get the ugliness off my chest. But I couldn’t do that to her.
I squeezed Jessica tight. She was like an anchor keeping me grounded. How the hell had everything gotten so out of control?