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Renee
After I dropped Danielle and Peaches off, I went over and hung out with Kayla until Tommy called and said he had “put fear in that nigga’s heart.” Knowing Tommy, he made Leroy shit his pants again. I was cracking up and tried to give Kayla the details, but she put her hands over her ears and refused to hear anything else after I mentioned that big-ass diaper. I don’t know how she can sit back and feel sorry for him after everything he has done to her, but Kayla has a forgiving soul just like Big Mama. Nevertheless, Kayla did agree to view part of the tape when the copies are made. I was relieved to hear that she’d had the locks changed. We played a couple of hands of Uno, then I headed over to drop the tape off. After shooting the bull with Tommy and his boy Pooky, I headed to the hotel. The day had worn me out.
When I got back to my room, I glanced down at my cell phone and realized I had one missed call. I turned up my nose when I read the name displayed: Paul Perry.
I dropped my keys and phone on the dresser, then removed my shoes and lay back on the bed. I wasn’t sleepy. Not yet My mind was racing with too many thoughts. As much as I tried to clear my head, Paul was still on my mind. His call reminded me that staying with John wasn’t the only thing Lisa had asked me to do.
I remember staring out the window of her room, hoping to hold it together while pleading with my sister not to ask that one thing of me.
“Renee, you’ve got to make peace with him so you can move on with your life.”
Her words still echo in my mind. I remember telling her she was wrong. Paul no longer had a hold on me. But she didn’t believe me. In a weak voice, Lisa told me only hours before surgery I had to find a way to forgive our stepfather.
To me, forgiving him was like saying it was okay for the way he had treated me, as if it was no big deal. But that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t as simple as someone stepping on my feet or forgetting to send me a Christmas card and then saying I’m sorry. It just wasn’t going to be that easy to forgive. What I had experienced, what I had felt—it took years to get there.
As a child, I was blamed for everything. That was pretty much the way it was, growing up with him. Lisa was his favorite and my brother, his only biological child, could do no wrong. I never knew my real father. He was murdered when I was very young. My mother was rarely home and when she was, she was always on the phone or too busy to care. She was mentally ill even then, but I was too young to understand. Besides, Mama was so pretty no one wanted to admit something was wrong with her, including Big Mama. Then she started drinking and picked up the crack habit and there was nothing we could do for her then. I haven’t seen her in years. I love her and think about her often, but I just don’t have room for any more heartaches in my life.
It was bad enough I grew up with a mother with a habit and a mental thing going on. Bernice had an excuse. She was sick and there was nothing she could do for me but go get help, which she had tried countless times and failed. But Paul, my stepfather— that’s a different story. He didn’t have an excuse for turning his back on me. It was as if the day he divorced my mother, I was no longer his problem.
It’s funny how I’ve suppressed so many things about my past and still can’t remember, but there are certain things you never forget. It’s sad. It really is, and when I sit back, thinking about it, even now I want to cry. Those should have been the best years of my life. Instead, they’re too painful to even think about. Growing up with not one but two dysfunctional parents is something no child should have to endure.
I remember when my parents were still married. Mom was working at the hospital—I can’t remember doing what. So, after Paul got home from his accounting job, he was stuck watching the three of us. Bedtime was at eight o’clock. Even if the sun was still out, we had to bathe and get in the bed. Lisa and I shared a room, so we’d slide into our matching twin-size beds and talk until we both drifted off to a better world in our dreams. On one particular night, I remember Paul was working late—it was tax season, and everybody was trying to make that paper. Mama had to leave for work early, so she had put us to bed and left around seven.
Paul was due to get home before eight. I remember being asleep, dead to the world, when I felt someone yank me out of the bed. I startled to bright lights and Paul standing all up in my face, screaming and yelling. My heart was hammering in my chest. I was about nine at the time, half-asleep and scared out of my wits because I had no idea why he was yelling at me. All I did was lie there and think, what did I do this time?
It took a while, but I finally realized Paul was yelling at me because he had locked himself out the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking at the door. Can you believe that shit? It was my fault. It was the dead of winter. Realizing he didn’t have his keys, he started banging on the door, but no one came. After a while, he went to one of the neighbors to use their phone. A long time had passed before Lisa heard the phone, got up, and answered it. She went down and let him in. Next thing I know, he’s screaming and hollering at me. Not my brother, who was still sleeping peacefully in the other room. Just me. Come on. I was a little girl. And what I couldn’t understand was how the hell it was my fault he locked himself out and I didn’t hear him banging at the door. To this day, I haven’t forgotten that night or the way he treated me, and I never will because I’ve never slept that hard again. I’m too afraid.
The last time I saw Paul was at Lisa’s funeral. Afterwards, we had a big dinner at the church we attended with Big Mama while she was alive. I was joking with John about Deacon Davis falling asleep during the funeral and how loud he was snoring before his wife shrugged him with her elbow. I mentioned that he sounded a lot like my husband. Then my stepfather had the nerve to get all in my Kool-Aid.
“I know that’s not my daughter talking about the way someone snores.”
I rolled my eyes and John laughed. “The way Renee says it, she doesn’t snore.”
“That girl could keep Snow White awake.” Paul chuckled, rumbling his big belly. “I remember one time I was locked out.” He turned to me, eyes dancing with amusement “You remember that time I worked late and couldn’t get in?”
How could I forget, I wanted to tell him. It was one of the most traumatic times of my childhood, I wanted to scream. Instead I sat back and listened as he told John the story. I wanted so badly to yell at him about how he had made me feel. But I didn’t because it was Lisa’s funeral and it would have broken her heart. She wanted so badly for me and Paul to make peace and get along. But it isn’t that simple. I just can’t forgive him for turning his back on me. He chose to be my father, not the other way around. I didn’t ask him to put his name on my birth certificate, and yet, he wasn’t there when I needed him.
A tear slid from my eye down to the pillow as I remembered Bernice walking out on us and coming home to find that disconnection notice on the door. Paul drove down from Chicago to pick up Lisa and my brother but not me. I wasn’t welcome in his house. I was barely seventeen, but it didn’t matter. He took them and left me behind. I had no choice but to move in with Mario’s crazy, young ass. Here I was, going to high school and working two part-time jobs. No more running track. No more hanging out with friends and being a teenager. Instead I was cooking, cleaning, and washing Mario’s dirty drawers. My senior year was a nightmare. He used to knock me up the right and left sides of my head because I wanted to still be a child and hang out with friends and make my own decisions, but he was so possessive and crazy, all I could do was obey his rules. But what could I have done? I had nowhere else to go and was too ashamed to complain. In the meantime, I tried to maintain my relationship with Lisa and Andre, but Paul refused to let me call his house. I rarely got to see them, yet Lisa wanted me to make peace with Paul because now he’s going to church and a changed man. Well, if he’d changed that much, then he would have picked up the phone by now and apologized for not being a father when I needed him.
I rolled over on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling. I don’t know why I let him still get to me. All I know is I’ll never treat my kids that way. I try to give Tamara and Quinton everything I never had growing up—adequate clothing, family time together, and love. Lots of unconditional love.
I think about Andre and the way he blames our mother for ruining his life. He thinks Paul is pitiful, but my brother doesn’t hold anything against him. Andre and I have never been close. He calls every once in a while, and I remember to send him a Christmas card, but other than that neither of us have made much of an effort to be closer. Now that Lisa’s gone, you would think we’d cling to one another, but that’s not the case. The only people I have in my life are John, the kids, and my friends. For someone who everyone thinks has it all, my life is pretty pathetic.
Chapter 18
Danielle
Danielle pulled into her driveway. For once, all of the lights were off, and everything was quiet. With Ron out of her life and Portia gone for two weeks, her house would be exactly the same way she left it. This morning, she’d put Portia on a plane to Memphis to visit her oldest sister, Constance. She’d been visiting her aunt every summer since she was five, and even though she was pregnant, she still insisted on going. On the ride to the airport, they had discussed the baby and her decision to keep it. Although the last thing she wanted to be doing was raising another baby, Danielle was strongly against abortions. Nope. She might as well get ready to take on the role of grandmother while Portia finished high school. While driving, she had wanted to call her sister and give her a heads-up, but Portia objected, insisting on telling her auntie herself.
Danielle climbed out of her car, feeling like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She knew that the very second Portia told her aunt she was pregnant, Constance would blow her top and was going to be calling her just so she could chew her out. Constance believed since she had successfully raised three girls without a man, her younger sister could at least manage to do the same with just one.
Her stomach grumbled and Danielle placed a palm across it. No more tacos for her. She still couldn’t believe she’d come barging out of the closet, rushing to use the toilet while Reverend Brown was getting his poopy diaper changed. She smiled despite the pain in her stomach. She had seen some wild, kinky stuff in her life, but that one took the cake. She and Renee would be laughing about that for a long time.
After entering the house, she went to the kitchen and removed a bottle of milk of magnesia from the refrigerator and took a swallow. While leaning against the counter, she remembered the look on Reverend Brown’s face when they stumbled out of that closet. Laughing, she took another swallow. The moment was priceless. She knew it was wrong, but she actually felt good about what they had done to Leroy. He deserved it. Tommy was certain to have that tape circulated in no time.
Her doorbell rang. She put the bottle back in the refrigerator and went to the door. It was Calvin. “Hey.”
“Hey, yourself. I was in the neighborhood and saw your car, so I thought I’d stop and see how you were doing.”
Stepping aside, Danielle gestured for him to come in. “I was just getting ready to curl up on the couch. So, come on in and make yourself at home while I go and change into something a little more comfortable.” The jeans she was wearing were too tight for comfort around her belly. Danielle went to her room, her heart beating a mile a minute. Despite the fact Calvin used to date Renee, she wanted him, and she wanted him bad, and maybe part of that was because she knew her relationship with Ron was over.
After taking a quick shower, she slipped into a pair of cotton low ride shorts and a wifebeater. She generously spread scented mango lotion on her legs and arms, then walked back into the living room, where Calvin was laughing at something on television. Whatever the program was, it was quickly forgotten when he spotted her coming down the hall.
“You smell good,” he commented as she flopped down on the couch beside him.
“Thanks.” Danielle curled her legs beneath her and pretended to be watching television, all the time aware that he was staring at her.
“If I’m not mistaken, I think I saw someone driving your car this afternoon. A woman?”
She groaned. “Yep. That’s Ron’s mama. I saw her, too.”
His brow rose curiously. “And you’re okay with that?”
“No,” she began around a heavy sigh, “but I just don’t feel like dealing with them right now. I’ve got too many other things on my mind.”
“Anything I can help you with?” Calvin patted his thighs and signaled for her to drape her legs over them. She did and he reached for her feet and began to massage them.
“Portia’s pregnant,” she announced with an exaggerated sigh.
“What?” He stalled from massaging before starting again. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, so am I.”
“Who’s the father?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think she knows, which is sad. She wants to keep the baby.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t believe in abortions, so I’m okay with that.”
“Good. Neither do I.”
“Between my mother and me, we can help her take care of the baby so she can graduate from high school.”
“That’s going to mean a lot to her. She might not realize it now, but she will eventually.”
Danielle nodded and pushed a strand of hair out of her face. “I want her to have a chance out here. You can’t do much of nothin’ without a high-school diploma, even working at McDonald’s.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I really want her to go to college, but that’s only if she still wants to go.”
“What’s her father saying about this?”
Danielle looked him straight in the eyes. “He’s pissed off and blamin’ everything on me, like I can watch her every hour of the day. When I told him, she decided to keep the baby, he wasn’t too happy about the idea. The thought of teen pregnancy is embarrassing to him. Anyway, after he got done screaming, he agreed to help.”
“I can’t blame him,” he commented while stroking his chin. “If she was my daughter, I’d be upset and looking for the mothafucka responsible.”'
“That’s exactly what he said.”
“Can you blame the man?”
Danielle thought about it a moment. “No,” she finally admitted. “I don’t blame him at all.”
“So now that I’m here, what can I do to make you feel better?”
“Just keep doing what you’re doing.”
He kneaded the balls of her feet. Danielle leaned back against the cushions of the couch and got comfortable. “Mmm, you’ve got skills.”
“That’s not all I have.”
She chuckled softly and closed her eyes.
“You know I like you, right?”
Danielle nodded. Yes, I know.”
“How do you feel about me?”
She opened her eyes and looked over at him. His Adam’s apple was moving up and down while he waited for her answer. “I like you even though you used to mess with my girl.”
“That was over ten years ago. Renee wasn’t thinking about me then and she definitely ain’t thinking about me now.”
True. She couldn’t resist a smile. Renee had probably screwed three dozen men since her relationship with Calvin. “She could care less.”
She didn’t miss the hint of excitement that lit his eyes as he said, “Good, then that means we don’t have anything to worry about. I’m not gonna lie. I like you, Danielle. I want this to be more than a sexual thing between us.”
“So, do I, but I’m just getting out of a bad relationship and need a little time to get my head on right.”
“Okay. But don’t keep me waiting too long.”
Danielle settled back on the couch again. “I won’t,” she said with a smile.
“Good. In the meantime, let me give you something to think about.” He slid from beneath her legs, then lowered on top of her and crushed his mouth to hers. Danielle wrapped her arms around him and gave in to the moment, enjoying the kiss. Finally, Calvin came up for air and stared down at her. “I can get used to this.”
So can I.
