When we left Mr. Grieves’ place, Lexi dropped Farah off at home and then swung me by Echo Bridge. Ted had called, slurry and sweet after his father had let him have some of the good Scotch, and begged me to meet him, even though he was too drunk to pick me up in the car. Echo Bridge was a short walk from Ted’s house, but it was a much farther from mine, and I only agreed to meet him after he promised to take the shortcut across the public golf course and walk me home. Cutting across the course saved fifteen minutes, but it was pitch dark at night.
“I’ve always thought Echo Bridge was creepy,” Lexi said in the car. “Even before Hugh.”
“Really?” I asked. “I always liked it. I remember the first time my dad took me there, and we stood underneath and yelled our names and counted how many echoes we could hear. I always won. I think the record was something like fourteen. That’s kind of amazing, that a stone arch made for another purpose entirely can bounce your voice back fourteen times.”
“Well, yes, the ancient Romans were great architects, there’s no arguing with that. But do you know the story of the nymph Echo?” asked Lexi. I was beginning to suspect that her grandfather had read Greek mythology to her as a child before bedtime. I wondered if she ever heard of the Brothers Grimm.
“She was a great talker,” I said. “And she’d distract the queen of the gods while Zeus was chasing after other nymphs, so the queen cursed her so she could only repeat the voices of others. Then she fell in love with Narcissus.”
“Right. And he’s a vain bastard who thinks he’s too good for her,” Lexi went on. “So in some of the myths, Echo pines away until the only thing left is her voice. But in other stories, Echo swears off men forever, and then Pan falls in love with her.”
“Isn’t Pan the same as Hermes?” I asked. “Or Dionysus?”
“My grandfather would fall over dead if you ever said that to him. No, they were different. Some myths have Hermes as Pan’s father, but according to others, Pan is much older. He shows up in the beliefs of many different cultures around the world. He’s a satyr and kind of a badass but also kind of a lech, and he’s always trying to get various nymphs in bed. When Echo rejects him, he inspires a herd of shepherds to rip her to shreds—that’s where the word ‘panic’ comes from—and the only thing left is her voice, still cursed to repeat the living.” Lexi flicked a cigarette out the window.
“That is pretty grim,” I admitted. I wondered if this was what I’d think of every time I heard an echo now, as Lexi obviously did.
“Yeah. But nobody gets off lightly in ancient Greece. Nemesis always balances the scales. She makes Narcissus fall in love with his own reflection, and he kills himself when he realizes he can’t screw himself.”
“I don’t remember that part,” I said.
“I’m paraphrasing.”
“So was Nemesis a goddess or what?”
“She’s the personification of retribution and, like, karmic balance. She’s my favorite. Orpheus wrote a pretty great hymn for her: ‘To every mortal is thy influence known, and men beneath thy righteous bondage groan; for every thought within the mind concealed is to thy sight perspicuously revealed.’”
Lexi left me on the far side of the bridge from where Ted and I parked during school, in Aqueduct Park. It was easier to get down to the bridge at night through the park, though still creepy: the moon was nearly full, and the jungle gym cast strange, sharp shadows on the sand while the swings waved eerily in a slight breeze. Lexi’s story was, appropriately, echoing in my mind, and I couldn’t help but imagine a herd of evil Pan-goats with glowing eyes appearing over a small rise of land in the park. I would never admit it, but I’d been a little afraid of the dark since I was small. My mind couldn’t help but scroll through all the possible things that might be waiting to jump out and grab me: men with knives, ghosts in white dresses with holes for eyes, Hugh Marsden. I dug my hands into my pockets and hurried down to the bridge. The Big Dipper spread across the sky between the skeletal fingers of the bare trees rising up on both banks. I could see a figure with its back to me, leaning against the railing and looking down to the water. I hoped it was Ted, and of course it was. Belknap was generally free of murderous drifters and vengeful ghosts. Though it was not entirely free of rapists.
“Hey, babe.” Ted held out his arms, wrapping me in a hug as I stepped into them. “Have fun tonight?”
Ted seemed to have assumed I’d been with some of the usual girls, Melissa and Hilary or Selena, Marian, and Lindsay. I didn’t correct him, and I hoped he wouldn’t ask directly or bring it up in front of them.
“Sure,” I said. “What about you? Big dinner with Tom and Dad, huh?”
“Yeah,” Ted rubbed his head. “Tomorrow morning might be a little rough. We’re leaving for the Berkshires at seven.”
I snuggled closer into him. “Maybe you should be at home in bed, then.”
“But I wanted to see you,” Ted nuzzled my hair while he reached behind him and picked up a blanket that was folded over the railing. “I know we can’t spend the whole night together, but I thought maybe we could, you know…”
I didn’t let go of him, but I tilted my head back and looked him in the eye. “You thought we could make love on a blanket in the woods?” I felt a rush of emotions: panic, shame, and disappointment—disappointment with Ted, who’d basically booty-called me, and who’d never suggested fooling around outside before (usually we were at least in the Rover), but more with myself. I was ashamed that I let Hugh affect me like this, but I wasn’t ready to have sex with Ted again. Certainly not on the aqueduct, where Hugh had held Lexi down.
Deep down, I was afraid to say no. Maybe a tiny part of me wondered if Ted wouldn’t take no for an answer. A bigger part of me worried that he’d feel like we were moving backwards and would get bored or frustrated and break up with me before I managed to get my head right again.
“Well, I was kind of thinking of the platform down by the water.” Ted looked at me and tried to make a cute face. “We can hear each other’s echoes!”
I knew he was trying to be sweet, but my stomach turned a little. Sex noise echoes were not something I wanted to hear at the moment, especially after the nasty little kissing noises we’d heard from Hugh’s car on Farah’s computer.
“Um, Ted,” I said. I tried hard to smile naturally. “As much as I love you, you know how I feel about the great outdoors. Plus, it’s kind of cold.”
“I know,” Ted looked sad. “I should have brought two blankets. But I can keep you warm, Court.” He pulled me in for a kiss.
“Ted,” I said more firmly. I made a show of checking the time on my cell phone. “I only have, like, ten minutes before I need to start walking home if I’m going to make it by midnight.” Never had I been so grateful to have a curfew.
“Ten minutes is enough,” said Ted, smiling down at me.
“Not for me.” I put my hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Listen, babe. I know it’s been a little while, and I’m sorry about that. But I really don’t want to have sex out in the open like this. Remember what you said about Revelry? Doing something special afterwards?”
“Yeah. It’s Family Weekend at Dartmouth, so Mom and Dad will be gone. Do you think you’ll be able to spend the night?”
“Sure. I’ll just tell my parents I’m staying at Melissa’s.” I was relieved. Rivalry Revelry was a week away; if I couldn’t work through my issues by then, I’d hold my nose and jump.
“But that’s so far away.” Ted gave me a squeeze and pouted like a little kid. I knew it was a result of being the baby of his family, but it got me every time. He was adorable. I wanted so badly to be able to take his hand and walk down those steps, to put my arms around his neck and hear the river lap at the stone pilasters. In that moment, pressed against Ted’s wool coat, I would have given anything I had to be innocent again—to not know the feel of Hugh Marsden’s hands, the secrets in Lexi’s wide hazel eyes, the things Mr. Grieves was capable of with a keyboard. To be able to cut out the past few weeks like old film on the editing room floor, and go back to being the girl I was before.
But there are no retakes in real life, so the reel just kept rolling, and I couldn’t have sex with Ted any more than I could erase the things I knew. So I said, “You know what they say: the best things come to those who wait,” like I was delivering a line in a trashy teen sex comedy, and kissed him deep and soft. Then I made him walk me home.