She spent all night curled up in a chair, a woollen blanket around her shoulders, watching over Keller as he slept, trying to interpret the lines on his face, fearing that his chest might stop rising and falling.
All night, watching and thinking, listening to the wind, listening to the silence turning into the sweet music of the dawn.
The first rays of the sun. The snow dripping. The timber breathing and creaking.
Marlene continued to brood even after Simon Keller had woken with a coughing fit and a moan, and she had changed the dressing on his face.
She kept thinking as she prepared his poppy infusion, while he looked on with pained, watchful eyes, as she listened to his instructions on how, what and how much to feed the pigs, and as she made Lissy’s meal. Separately, since Lissy was fussy. And always hungry.
She continued to ponder as she poured the slop into the trough, illuminated by the oil lamp, as she changed the water, as Kurt and the Doctor squabbled over a half-rotting potato peeling, and as she put on the steel glove and opened the little door in the grille, absent-mindedly, even though Keller had told her to be careful with the sow.
Very careful, Marlene.
“Of course. Lissy is fierce.”
“No,” he had said. “She’s not fierce. Lissy is hungry. That’s different. You will be careful, won’t you?”
“Don’t worry.”
But Lissy, perhaps intimidated by her presence, hid in the shadows the whole time. Marlene only managed to get a glimpse of her crest and white stripes.
She did not call to her. She had other things on her mind.
She thought about it for a long time and reached a decision after Keller had dozed off for a second time, as she gazed at the outline of the mountains beyond the windowpane, seeing her own reflection in their quartz silence.
Those edges, those depths of light and dark, removed all doubt.
She suddenly felt something she had not experienced for years. Peace.
Reaching a decision made her feel light with relief. She would tell the truth, no matter how unpleasant, and risk showing Simon Keller who she really was.
But not right away.
First, Keller had to get better and rebuild his strength. It would be cruel to offload this burden, too, on his weakened shoulders. She would wait for him to recover, then tell him the truth. Only then would she decide on her next move. Where to go. What to do. Marlene looked up at the sky.
No clouds.
The maso was beautiful. She understood why Keller was so proud of it. She herself was not a Keller, and yet she felt safe between its walls.
It was a place of peace.