A Partial Beginner’s Guide to The Lucy Temerlin Home for Broken Shapeshifters
Kuzhali Manickavel
1. Avoid any corridor infested with thunderstorms. ‘Corridor infested with thunderstorms’ does not mean a couple of thunderstorms above your head and the opportunity to be in the rain while also being in a corridor. It means a corridor that is rightly or wrongly, bristling with thunderstorms that are piled on top of thunderstorms. Some of them are extremely old, some of them are twisted together either because they are fighting or making love, and at least four of them are not thunderstorms at all but no one knows what else to call them. Do not try to find these thunderstorms for the purpose of documentation. Do not form ‘stormwatch’ groups. The thunderstorms are not there for scientific/humanitarian/aesthetic/research purposes. They are there because no one knows how to get rid of them. If, for whatever reason, you feel invincible, heartbroken or just young and full of life, do not seek out any corridor infested with thunderstorms because it will not turn out the way you think it will. If however you encounter one of these corridors by accident, then that’s too bad.
2. Cultivate a garden. You can buy seeds or steal them from plants. Cordon off a part of your floor or your windowsill and say, ‘this is my garden’ to anyone who will listen. Do not cordon off a part of your floor or your windowsill, say ‘this is my garden’ and not cultivate a garden. Don’t be like that. Plant things which are useful but are not vegetables. You can make rows if you are into that sort of thing. If your entire garden dies, remember that it is simply the circle of life, the wheel of fortune, the leap of faith and the band of hope. Do not plant teeth, childhood mementos or dead pets.
3. Endeavour to inculcate change in various facets of your life. For instance, try to change your clothes regularly, especially your underwear. Change your toothbrush and bedsheets. Sometimes it can be nice to rearrange the furniture in your room or wear colourful, fun accessories on your clothes. Cutting your hair is another fun change you can try.
4. Don’t wake anything that is sleeping. The 7th floor in particular is notorious for harbouring a plethora of sleeping things. You may say how will I know if something is sleeping? This place is fucking bananas. How will I know if something is sleeping or killing itself or being a chair? This is a good question.
5. Do not allow other people to create metaphors for your life. For instance, if a motherfucker tries to take your hand and say you are like a circle, you are like a prayer that is never answered, you are like my friend in rehab who never gets better, you are like a wave, an agoraphobic, you are just like me. If a motherfucker has the audacity to say all this and try to touch you, tell them they have to take you home now because it’s finally finally happening oh my god. Tell them you are a vegetarian but you eat eggs, chicken and fish on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and on weekends. Tell them this is not going to be easy but it is going to be amazing.
6. During your first year, you will hear many different stories about SheetalJain, who didn’t even go here but anyway. Please remember the following facts when encountering any of these aforementioned stories. SheetalJain went into the bathroom on a Sunday afternoon, presumably to wash her hair. She flushed the toilet and turned on the tap. When they broke the door down later that night, they found
—one pile of her clothes thrown over the shower rod
—one pile of clothes on the floor
—fingernails, presumably hers, scattered beside the sink
—2 teeth, also presumably hers, in the drain
—a scrap of paper beside the toilet with the words “What to say about me???? I’m just ME!!!! Sheetal. Simple cool girl who loves to just enjoy life.”
It is perfectly acceptable to write fan fiction, poetry and dramatic monologues about SheetalJain. It is also acceptable to describe yourself as a simple cool girl who loves to just enjoy life. Do not try to find SheetalJain. She didn’t even go here.
7. Visit the Tropicool IcyLand Urban Indian Slum, even though the board of administrators will not encourage this because the board of administrators are a bunch of classist fucks. Do not visit the slum like, bai everyone I’m going to visit the slum now. Do not wear a hat, do not carry your own water and when you are there, do not distribute promises of jobs or social media coverage in exchange for souvenirs of that sweet, sweet slum life. Visit quietly and honestly. Wear sensible shoes. Take the bus. Don’t be an asshole.